A/N: Two things:
1) Sorry for the delay. The computers here in Poland are very old and won't read my flash drive. I had to type all this into the doc. box from my laptop, and this was the first chance I had. Please excuse any mistakes. I won't be able to update til I go home, which will be Aug. 15, maybe the 14 if my hotel at the airport has internet. I'm sorry for the delays, but there's nothing I can do.
2) This chapter is dark. As Ron Moore likes to say on podcasts, this is a dark show. The next few chapters will be dark, though not in ways, I hope, you'll be expecting. Please trust me when I say there will be a happy ending...Eventually.
Thanks for all the reviews and support. I hope this works.
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"It's ok Starbuck, we're almost there," a comforting voice said above her. Kara could feel the sway of the gurney, and could tell that she was being wheeled down a corridor at great speed. Groggily, she opened her eyes.
"Athena?" she asked.
Sharon stilled for a moment, her face twisting with disgust, then said, "We're just about there Starbuck."
The corridor was bright- too bright for Galactica. Had they taken her to a different ship? What could have happened? "Where are we?" she asked. "Where are we going?"
"You'll see."
Something in her voice, her demeamor, caused Kara's focus to sharpen. This Sharon wheeling her down the hall looked harder; her hair was shorter; and she was dressed in decidedly civilian clothes. Panic swelled in her chest. "You're not Sharon."
The other woman looked at her pointedly. "I am Sharon."
"No. You're not our Sharon."
"I used to be your Sharon," she spat. "Before that bitch replaced me."
But Kara wasn't listening. She was too busy fighting against both her restraints and whatever drug they were forcing through her IV. The gurney started tipping.
A door opened and Simon rushed out. "I told you to give her 25ccs!"
"I did!" the Eight hissed. "She's not responding."
Upon seeing Simon Kara redoubled her efforts- but all in vain. From the pocket of his lab coat Simon withdrew a syringe and without warning injected her. Kara gave one last primal scream before everything went black.
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Someone was stroking her hair.
That was the first conscious thought she had in what seemed like days. The soft caress brought her senses slowly back to life.
"Hello there Kara. I'm glad you woke up; I was scared you'd miss the whole thing."
With much effort she opened her eyes. Leoben was staring at her from a seated position near her head, his hand gently stroking her hairline. Her first instinct was to move- to run, to thrash, to punch. But all she could do was turn her neck.
As if senseng her frustration, Leoben gave her a small shake of his head. "Don't try to move; you'll only upset yourself."
"You're a bastard," she managed to croak.
"I told you to leave her asleep," Simon said, entering the room and settling himself down at the end of her bed. As he did Kara finally noticed her feet were in the stirrups. "This is a complicated enough procedure without her causing trouble."
"She won't be any trouble, will you, Kara?" She flinched at his voie; it was the same one he'd used during her long months of New Caprican captivity. "Besides, every mother should witness her child's conception."
"What are you talking about?"
Leoben took her hand in his. Whatever drug they had given her had rendered her immoblie, but she could still feel the tingles of his skin against hers. "We're going to have a baby, Kara. We're going to make Kacey all over again."
"Kacey wasn't real!"
"But this one will be. Half you, half me. Half human, half Cylon. The best parts of God's creations."
"The best parts of you are battery powered."
Leoben grinned. "I hope it gets its temperament from me. I'm not sure this basestar can handle two Starbucks."
"If you think for one frakkin' second that I'm going to let you anywhere near me..."
"You already have. Oh Kara, did you really think...?" He shook his head. "Have I ever forced myself on you? I could have, you know that, but I remain form in the belief that one day you will come to me on your own."
"Then how the frak..." But Kara didn't finish the sentence. She didn't need to. The horrible realization hit her as she watched Simon do his work at the end of the bed.
Speaking low into her ear, Leoben confirmed her suspicions. "We've had your eggs in cold storage for over two years now. There was talk of using a surrogate, but I wouldn't allow it. Any child of yours would be special, and you deserved to carry it, to bring it to life, to feel it grow inside you." He gently kissed her brow. "And then we'll be a family."
He might have continued talking in his smooth, soothing voice, but Kara didn't hear a word of it. All she could do was stare at the ceiling as the Cylons violated her body once again, fighting in vain against the drugs pumping through her system. When Simon was finished, Leoben increased the IV drip.
Blackness engulfed her once again.
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The next time she woke up she felt remarkably clear-headed, as if she had slept until her body was no longer remotely tired- as if she had slept before the worlds ended in mushroom-shaped clouds. She stretched, expecting to feel the thin sheets of her bunk rub against her. Instead, the sheets felt smooth, cool, and of a quality she was not accustomed to. The bed, she found, was almost twice the size of her bunk.
"Good morning, Kara." He was sitting in a chair across from the bed, hands folded calmly in his lap. "I brought you some food; I know you must be quite hungry. Liquid nutrients can only do so much, after all." He motioned to the tray beside him. "Steak. Just the way you like it."
Those few words sent a shiver down her spine. The room, the bed- all of it was familiar now. "You brought me back."
"Yes and no." Leoben stood and sat on the bed; Kara instinctually moved away. "I arranged to have this room set up like this; I thought it would be a comfort to you, to see something familiar. But we are still on the basestar." He pushed the tray of food towards her. "You really should eat something."
Kara eyed the food; the steak had already been cut up into small bite-sized pieces. "Learned your lesson, huh?" she asked with much more bravado that she actually felt.
Leoben was not fooled, and simply smiled at her indulgently. "You know from experience how fruitless that is. I'm simply trying to make this easier, on all of us."
"If that's the case, then why am I even awake?"
"We started weaning you off them yesterday afternoon. We didn't want to shock your system, after you had been on them for so long. You see, Kara," he moved closer, speaking in an intimate voice. "Simon brought us some very good news yesterday. The procedure worked. You're three weeks pregnant."
The words hung in the air for a moment, growing larger with each passing second. Then she started moving with a speed learned from hard military training. Kara grabbed the edge of the tray and swung it, connecting hard with Leoben's face. In the same movement she bolted herself out of the bed, running barefoot towards the door. The bars from the New Caprica holding cell were no longer there.
They'd been replaced by a Centurian.
"He won't hurt you." She turned to Leoben leaning against the bed frame, his face bright pink from where she'd hit him.
"Then how's he going to stop me from leaving?"
Leoben waved his hand. "Why don't you find out."
She looked back at the Cylon guard. His red eye slid from side to side, but he didn't move. He simply remained in the doorway, completely blocking her only exit. Slowly, Kara stepped back towards the bed.
"You made the right choice," Leoben said. "Now, why don't you clean up while I make you something else. Perhaps a salad?" He took her silence to mean yes. He approached her carefully, then reached out to touch her stomach. Kara simply stood there, staring straight ahead. "I know this is a surprise, but I hope you'll soon be as happy about this as I am. Life is God's greatest miracle."
He left her standing in the middle of the room. When he returned fifteen minutes later, she had made the bed, cleaned up the spilt food and dressed herself.
Though light-years away, it seemed as though she'd returned to New Caprica.
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For the next four weeks, Kara was as docile as a kitten. She ate when Leoben brought her food, slept when the lights in the room dimmed, and allowed them to run various tests and sonograms. Through it all, she never said a word.
In her head, though, she was not quite so quiet. Her inner voice raged at every movement, screamed every time Leoben touched her. She studied the habits of the other Cylons, memorized the route to Simon's lab, made a mental count of every chrome and human Cylon she saw. She was getting out of there, and she was getting rid of the monster in her belly.
And not necessarily in that order.
Finallyshe realized it was useless. There were too many Cylons. Even though they wouldn't hurt her, there was no way they would let her off the basestar. She was much too valuable to them, especially now.
There was only one way to escape.
She'd have to kill herself.
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She found the shard under the bed, the only piece of porcelain plate that she hadn't cleaned up. It was sharp, but not enough. It would take time.
Saying a prayer to the Gods, she started cutting into her wrist.
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It was an Eight who found her.
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This time she woke up in a hospital bed, a deep pit in her stomach. She had failed.
"How could you do it Kara?"
She didn't answer, but simply stared at the ceiling. After a while Leoben left, but not before giving her a look full of pain and hurt. Ir was the first time she'd seen him show such an emotion.
Kara couldn't help but smile to herself. Not a total failure, then.
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She returned to the apartment two days later. In her absence a large mirror had been constructed. They weren't taking aby chances.
For five days and nights she saw no sign of Leoben. Her food was delivered by Simon or Sharon. Her plates and utensils were made of plastic, and after she was finished eating they were collected. Still Kara said nothing.
On the sixth day she woke to find him sitting once again in the chair.
"We need to talk."
Kara simply stared at him.
"Do you remember the first time we met?" Of course you do, you must. My mission had been to find you, to give you a message. But I also needed to see you for myself. I knew you were special Kara. I knew I needed to find you, that our fates were destined to intertwine. I thought I was to be your guide, nothing more. But then," he cocked his head to the side and his eyes took on a far away gaze. "but then you out your hand on the glass. And you looked at me- really looked at me. That was when I fell in love wit you. Everything I have done since then has been for you. All I want is for you to love me."
Silence hung heavy in the room. Leoben waited for her to speak, but Kara just continued to stare. After close to an hour, he finally stood to leave.
"You're a machine. You can't know what love is."
"Your friend does."
"Sharon isn't like you."
"Isn't she? She didn't love Agathon. She had a mission. That's why she slept with him."
"But it's not why she stayed with him." Now Kara was standing, her voice growing stronger. All the rage she had kept locked inside her started spilling out. "She loves Helo. Everything she's done has been for him. You- You say you love me, bat all this," she waved her arms around the room. "All this is for you."
"I want you with me. One day you will want to be with me too."
"I will never want to be with you! I thought I made that perfectly clear on New Caprica!"
"You said you loved me, you'll say it again."
"The only time I'll ever say those words is right before I gut you again."
Leoben shook his head and spoke like he was explaining the painfully obvious to a small child. "You will say it, and mean it. You'll see, once our child is born-"
"I don't want this thing!!" she screamed. "I want it out of me!"
"That's your mother talking."
That stopped Kara as effectively as if he'd slapped her. Her mask slipped and she sank down onto the bed. Leoben saw the reaction and sat down beside, taking her hand in his. "I'm sorry, Kara, but your mother filled you with hate and fear of becoming a mother. But you'll see- once it's here you will love it. You won't be your mother. You'll be happy being a mother. That's all I want- for you to be happy."
She spoke in a soft but firm voice. "Will you let me get rid of the baby? Will you let me go home?"
"Kara, you know I won't."
"Then you don't want me to be happy." She looked him straight in the eye. "And you do not love me."
With that, she went back into her walking coma. She stared at the wall in silence until Leoben finally left.
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Kara Thrace was not maternal.
She'd never babysat the neighbors' kids. Hell, she'd never even pet-sat for a long weekend. She knew how to fix a fuel leak with only a rag and wrench, how to execute a triple Scorpian flip, and how to bluff her way out of a bad Triad hand.
But she knew nothing about children.
How the piece of information now swimming in her head got there, she didn't know. Maybe she'd heard it from Cally, back when she was in the early stages of her pregnancy. Maybe Helo had mentioned it during one of their talks when Sharon was still being held in the cell. However it came to be there, she knew it was true.
The first twelve weeks of pregnancy were the most dangerous. It was in those three months that the most could go wrong. It was in those eighty-four days that she was most likely to miscarry.
She prayed for it every night.
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At the beginning of the thirteenth week she stopped.
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At fifteen weeks her universe changed forever.
Three days before Simon had run, among other tests, an amniocentesis. Leoben had told her it was too early to know the sex, but they would be able to make sure the fetus was developing on schedule.
As if she cared.
She was prepared to tell him this again when he came after ,lunch, surely to report the results, but something in his face stopped her. He looked tired, battleworn. He sat on the bed, even though she was in the far corner of the room.
"There was a vote," he began in a hollow voice. "They've decided to terminate your pregnancy. Simon said we can try again in three months. There was only one dissenter."
Kara couldn't believe it. Eying him carefully, she asked, "Is this a trick?"
"No. The tests yielded some surprising results. The child is fully human."
Kara stared at him for a moment, unable to comprehend what he had just said. "I don't understand..."
"You were already pregnant. Recently. We believed that the implantation had worked, but really it was this first pregnancy which we registered."
Still she stared at him with a confused look on her face. Already pregnant? How was the possible? She hadn't even had sex since she and Anders called it quits six months ago, except-
Except for Lee.
Her breath stuck in her chest and the sound that escaped her lips was like a strangled gasp of a groan. It was Lee's. The baby- the baby she'd tried to kill, the one she'd prayed would die- it was theirs.
He legs could no longer support her and she felt herself slip to the floor. A voice in the back of her mind reminded her that this could be a trick, that Leoben could have told her this so she would want to have the child. But in heart, she knew. Her child was human.
He child was Lee's.
Around her Leoben continued talking. "I thought, given this, that you might still want to keep the baby. We could have raised it as our own and then tried again for our own in due time. But the others- they aren't as patient. They don't see the order of things as I do. They wanted results now. So they've ordered for its termination.
"I am sorry."
he was about to leave when Kara found her voice. "When?"
"Tomorrow afternoon. I'll bring you a good dinner later; you won't be able to eat until after the surgery."
The last words never registered. Tomorrow afternoon. One day.
One day to save her child.
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Leoben returned a few hours later with a tray of food to find her in the same position in whihc he'd left her- sitting agianst the wall, knees pulled up to her chest. Her head was bowed as if in prayer.
Silently he placed the tray on the table, regarding her. Without lifting her head, Kara spoke. "You don't have to let this happen."
"There was a vote. The decision has been made."
"But you don't agree with it."
"It doesn't matter if I agree with it."
"But you don't. And you'll let it happen anyways."
"There is nothing to be done."
"You have ships. Put me on one."
"That's impossible Kara."
There was a long pause.
"If I said I loved you, would you let me go?"
Leoben looked at her in surprise. "Would you mean it?"
Still Kara refused to return his gaze. "I would say it."
Leoben cocked his head. "I was right. You will be a good mother." Only then did she lift her head. "You see," he explained, "you said those words last to save Kacey. And now you're saying them to save this child- a child who, three hours ago, you were praying to lose."
"Three hours ago I thought it was yours."
"And whose is it now?" She refused to answer, but he knew anyways. "It's his, isn't it? The one you love, the one you hate. The one you save, the one you hurt. What would you do, if I took you back? Would you raise it with him? Would you be able to love him? Would you be able to stay faithful?"
"You shut the frak up."
Leoben nodded. "I knew it. you aren't ready."
"Well I guess that's your fault then, huh? I thought you said you were my guide."
"I am."
"Well, you aren't doing a very good job, are you? You, who swim in streams and see patterns. Maybe you're misreading you own destiny. Trying to play a role that's not meant for you."
Silence reigned for a handful of beats. Then, without a word, Leoben turned and walked out of the room.
Kara bowed her head again in prayer.
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At some point she fell asleep, head resting on her knees.
it was the pool of light that filtered in through the open door that awoke her. She turned to see Leoben enter. It must be time then.
kara jumped to her feet, ready to fight, kick and scream, but Leoben was on her with a speed she had never seen him use before, pinning her against the wall and covering her mouth with his hand.
"Not a word," he whispered tersely. "Do not make a sound." Something in his voice forced her to obey. "We're leaving. Now. Follow my instructions. Do not hesitate. Do not question me. Do you understand?"
She had a split second to decide- decide if it was a trick, decide if she could trust him.
She nodded.
"Good," he said. "Now move."
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He navigated them through the labyrinth of corridors, stopping every so often to listen at corners. After ten minutes they arrived at the docking port. A Heavy Raider was already powered up, humming softly. "Get on board."
Inside was the same mixture of technology and tissue that composed all Cylon transportation. Leoben nodded to a seat before sitting in the pilot's chair. The ramp had just closed when they hit open space.
Three dozen Raiders launched behind them, but Leoben must have already calculated the jump. Once they were in open space, Kara felt the familiar lurch that always accompanied an FTL jump.
Empty space surrounded them.
"We've been sending search parties to find the Fleet. We recently found a hint of a trail. It will take a while, but we'll find them."
"Nice to know."
"We as in you and I, Kara. I dumped that information before we left."
Kara's mouth dropped as she stared at him in shock. "Why?"
He swiveled to face her. "Because you were right. I am your guide.
"And we have work to do."
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They spent four weeks in space, jumping from one set of seemingly random coordinates to the next. Kara could make neither heads nor tails of it, but Leoben seemed to know exactly where to go.
In between jumps they worked.
She hadn't known what he meant by the "work that had to do," but she quickly found it amounted to basically very intense therapy sessions.
She'd resisted at first, refusing to talk when he asked her questions about her past. It turned out she didn't need to. Leoben knew it all anyways, recited it, recounted abuse after painful abuse. She would scream at him to stop, but he would simply wait for her to compose herself and then start again.
It wasn't until the fifth day that she spoke on her own.
He'd been recounting the day her mother broke her knuckles. He said it was her left hand. Before she could stop herself, she corrected him. "No. It was the right." She unconsciously ran her thumb over the long-healed breaks.
Leoben stopped his tale and waited for her to continue.
"She took my right hand, put it in the door jam, and slammed it."
"And how did it feel?"
She remembered the sensation as if it were yesterday. "It felt good. I felt alive."
"Pain makes you feel alive. It is the absence of pain that scares you. Pain is all you have know; it was how you were raised." She nodded. "Has there ever been a time when you were not in pain?"
Kara shrugged. it seemed everything in her life was rooted in pain. She had loved Zak, but he had died, and in his wake left an ache that had never really gone away. The Old Man had been her father, and now he couldn't even look at her.
"Think hard."
Kara closed her eyes. No pain, no pain.
This is stupid. This is stupid.
Lee's smile flashed in her mind.
That was it.
Colonial Day, over two years ago. The look on his face when he realized it was her in that dress. Gods, he looked so young, the bruises on his face only adding to his good looks. She'd felt hopeful that night, as if she'd been given a second chance at everything. At happiness.
But even that she had transformed into pain by night's end.
"Yes. But I ruined that too. I ruin everything I touch."
"Your mother told you that."
"Yes. Among other wonderful things."
"That you were a cancer." Kara nodded. "That you took her happiness and thus weren't allowed to have any yourself?" Again she nodded. "Is that how you will raise your own child?"
"What? No. No."
"How can you teach your child happiness if you have none yourself? If you think yourself unworthy? Does your child deserve happiness and love?"
"Of course it does!"
"Then why not you?"
With that he turned back to the nav system and began plotting their next jump. Kara was left to contemplate his question, staring into space as she gently stroked her stomach.
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She never came up with an answer.
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Slowly Leoben tore down the walls she had erected as a child. He made her question all she had been told. "Pain was forced upon you as a child. As an adult you continued with it because it was all you knew. But you can stop it. If you want, you can stop the pain."
And she believed him.
Believed in herself.
He was a Cylon. He had held her captive for months, tried to impregnate her. And yet he was also her inner voice. He was healing her.
She couldn't reconcile the two. Eventually she stopped trying.
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The came the day she'd been waiting for. one more jump to the Fleet. One more and she'd be home.
She hovered over his shoulder as he calculated the jump. "You're sure it's right?"
Leoben laughed. "I'm sure. Now sit down," his voice sobered. "We have to discuss some things. About your destiny.
"We can do that later. Was can talk on Galactica. Let's go now."
Leobe gave her a sad smile and took her hands in his. She didn't flinch; she had stopped that weeks ago. "Kara, I'm not going with you."
She pulled back. "What are you talking about? Of course you are. You have to!"
He shook his head. "I have the jump plotted. I'll show you how to execute it; it's quite easy. But before you go, you'll have to send me out the airlock."
"I won't do it."
"Yes you will."
"Why?" It came out more like a cry than she wanted.
"I have done what I needed to do, My destiny is complete. I've guided you back. The rest you will have to do on your own."
"And what's that?"
"Earth."
"What about Earth?"
"You have inside you the path to Earth. One day- I don't know when- but one day the path will present itself to you. And you will guide your people here."
"How will I know."
He smiled. "The stars in your eyes will guide you."
"That makes no sense."
"That's all I can tell you." He turned back to the console. "Now all you have to do to jump..."
"I'm not frakking airlocking you."
"Is push here and here, once. That will take you home."
"Did you hear me?"
He stood. "I did. I told you, long ago, that you would deliver my soul to God. That's what you're doing."
"you mean sending you back to resurrect."
"No. To God. I've been boxed. Three weeks ago. I felt it."
"So when you die..."
"There will be no coming back." He nodded. "But I'm ready. You helped me become ready. You were right when you said I was afraid my soul would not find God. I no longer am. I'm ready to go, to start the next part of my journey."
Four weeks ago she never would have believed she could say the words that came out of her mouth. "Will I ever see you again?"
"Would you want to?"
He'd taught her to be truthful with herself. Mixed with gratitude was still a healthy dose of fear and hate. She didn't answer.
Leoben seemed to understand. He leaned in close so he could whisper in her ear. "All this has happened before, and all this will happen again." he kissed her cheek, then turned to the airlock.
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"DRADIS Contact. Cylon Heavy Raider."
"Galactica/Athena, I have visual. Sir, it's trying to hail us. Colonial codes."
"Athena/Actual. Open a communication channel."
"...not fire. Repeat, this is Starbuck. Do not fire."