October 25, 2007

It has been a few days since I have been able to write in this journal, but I wanted to catch up while Noah is taking a nap. It has been very busy here, and I have a lot to say. Hopefully my words will make some semblance of sense this time. Noah seems to think that I am getting better and I think I will take his word for that. He has never had a reason to lie to me, and he proved that he trusted me when he told me about his suicide attempt.

I felt really sad for him when I heard about that, and I didn't even let it register at first. The thought of a world without Noah is just too much to even fathom. Noah's reaction to the kids playing basketball was scary too. I think that if he could have he would have gotten out of the chair and fought those guys. IT would have been his way of fighting the prejudice, and the horrible words…he wasn't able to do that with his father. His father just said things, and assaulted him with them; I really think he was brave to have gone through it. Noah is a lot stronger than he gives himself credit for, I guess he is more like me than I originally thought. I mean our situations are nowhere near similar but in a lot of ways they are exactly the same. It's crazy when you think about it that way. Both of us were struggling for acceptance in our lives, and neither of us felt like we were getting it. I at least had it a little easier…or so I thought. I wonder if my biological father hates me as much as Noah's dad seems to hate him. Is hate too strong of a word? Damian used to say all the time that he loves me and he wants what's best for me. I don't think I believe him anymore, just like I know Noah doesn't believe his dad, who I bet told him the same thing.

I got off topic there, but it was still kind of relevant. I'm glad that Noah is alive, I'm glad that he moved to Oakdale and I'm glad that I got to meet him. He has truly been my life saver and if I am reading the signals right I think I mean a lot to him too. That just seems so strange and scary to me sometimes. And I know I use the word scary a lot…it's the only way I can think to explain just what I am feeling all the time. There is an obscene amount of fear and most of it is centered around my heart. I don't want to get hurt, and I feel like if I let my guard down too far that is exactly what is going to happen. The other side of that is that I don't truly think that Noah would hurt me. It's so confusing, and I wish there was someone I could talk to about it. I could probably talk to Noah, but for some reason that scares me too. I don't know how he would react. I don't know if he would think I was reading into things or if I am indeed doing just that. I think I am at least at a place where I realize that my feelings are okay. It is okay for me to be gay…and I'm good with that. I will tell my dad, and maybe it will be just like last time, and we can have a do over. He's the only parent I know for certain loves me, and I lost a year with him. I can't bear to lose any more time.

Luke stopped his train of thought and looked over at his sleeping best friend. It was just early evening, but the day's events had been draining for Noah, so Holden and Luke had insisted that he rest in bed, and Luke was keeping him company while Holden made dinner. Luke was happy to see that Noah seemed to be sleeping contentedly and he turned his attention back to his journal entry.

I wonder sometimes when Noah tells me I am getting better how he really knows that? What I mean is that how would Noah know what better is for me when he didn't know me before I came back from being away. I just reread that sentence and I don't think it makes sense, but it's the only way to describe what I am feeling. It's like being told you look like someone only to find out that the person has never seen your supposed lookalike. Does that make sense? I don't know I'll try to explain it better.

I'm just really worried about being okay, and what that will mean for me and Noah. He sees me one way, but I know I am drastically different from the way I was before last year. What if Noah doesn't like that me? What if I have to try hard to be who Noah likes because if I don't, and If I become the old me then Noah won't like me anymore. I'm making molehills into mountains I guess but…I can't help it. What if the person I was is horrible to him. He says that nothing will change how he feels but does he really know that? It's easy to say, but theory doesn't always work in practice right? I'm not even sure my parents liked the old me. I mean…if they did then why am I this messed up in the first place? Why was I sent away because I like boys?

IT was a question he often asked himself, but he never voiced it out loud. Looking at it now he frowned and fought the urge to cross it all out. He took great care in not destroying the book that Noah so lovingly gave him. This was a place for reflection, and even if it seemed wrong once he said it, these were his thoughts…his feelings and he couldn't be afraid of them.

I think the hardest thing will be somehow dealing with my mother and Damian. Noah and Dad don't talk about it much, but I know it has to be weighing heavily on their minds. I think about my parents a lot, but I don't say anything, especially to Noah because I don't want him to worry about me.

At some point they will find us, and I only hope that when they do I'll be ready to tell them to go away. I just don't understand the why. Why does it seem like the only people who put me first are the ones I don't share biology with?

I know I veered off course again. Noah says it's because I have a lot to say and my brain is working overtime. I think Noah knows my brain better than I do sometimes. Right now I'm wondering about that old saying; you know, blood is thicker than water. I think there must be exceptions; either that or Noah and I both have strange parents.

Noah is starting to wake up so I'm going to put this away. I will be back, and I'll stay on track next time.

October 27, 2007(almost midnight)

Dinner was nice. Dad made real mashed potatoes and meat loaf. There was spinach too but I didn't really feel like eating any, so I let Noah have it. He needs to keep up his strength anyway if he's going to get better. I really want him to be able to walk again. I can tell that he is really uncomfortable in the wheelchair and he hates relying on others to do things for him. Personally I like waiting on him hand and foot, but I selfishly miss him doing things for me too. I know that's probably wrong, and I will never tell him that…though that's silly since he'll read it in here.

Anyway, Noah misses his legs and I can't say that I blame him. I think back to when I was in the hospital and I was pretty much confined to a bed. I couldn't do anything for myself, and while the reasons were considerably different the end result was the same. I was a little stir crazy and Noah is too even if he tries to grin and bear it. I hope his ribs heal completely too. I still can't believe he got hit with that car. I wish I knew why he was running from Aaron, but I guess I will never find out. Maybe I should ask him?

I guess it's really not important in the long scheme of things. What is important is that he is going to be okay, and soon he will be able to walk again and do all the things he was doing before. I want that for him just as much as he does. I want him to feel like himself so that he won't be scared of things that I know he's scared of. Yeah, I know that doesn't make sense but it does to me. I could probably explain it to Noah if he asked. I just get the feeling that there are things that Noah needs to do here…like there is more to the reason why we're in Georgia than just because Noah wanted to protect me. I think he came here to deal with some of his own personal demons. Maybe, just maybe I can help him out with that like he's helping me. I know I would like to, and I hope I can. He said I was a big help to him last time…and he said he couldn't bear to lose me. But were they just words or did he mean them? Do I really mean that much to him? I feel so bad for doubting him, but I think he understands that I doubt everything right about now. It is a wonder sometimes that I remember who I am. And to be honest I'm not really sure who Luke Snyder is anymore.

Is that sad? Shouldn't I know me? And if I don't then how do I find out who that person was? And in finding out who he is, who Luke is will I somehow have to become that person again? Or maybe, just maybe the idea is for me to recreate myself and…I'm not making sense again.

Luke sighed and read over the entry, wishing he could wake Noah up to talk to him. He had many thoughts running through his brain at the moment, and he needed to talk them out. But Noah was sleeping and he needed his rest. It didn't matter at this point that his best friend would wake up if he needed him to, Luke was determined that Noah would get the sleep he needed. With his mind made up he slipped out of bed and placed his journal on the table. He took one last glance at Noah, fixing his blanket and making sure he was comfortable before leaving his side.

He was glad to see that his Dad's door wasn't locked and he peeked in like a little kid who was afraid of waking his parents. The light from the hall hit the bed, and he could see clearly that his dad was sleeping. A frown alighted his lips as he wondered if this was a good idea or not. Should he wait until the morning? Should he just go back to Noah and ask him? He could remember going to his dad many times in the middle of the night when he was younger…and there had been many times over the past year that he wanted to do just that…

He closed his eyes willing the bad thoughts to disappear as he pushed forward. He wanted to cry out when his foot made contact with something sharp and he fell to his knees no longer able to walk on it. He crawled over to the bed and stood as straight as he could on his knees, his hand reaching out to shake his dad awake.

"Wake up, Dad. Please, wake up." He didn't realize he was crying until he felt the tears on his cheeks. His foot hurt and he suddenly felt like he was five.

Holden turned towards the voice and opened his eyes, his features already showing his concern. His sleepy mind saw a young boy with tear tracks on his cheeks, his brown eyes stricken with pain and a little fear. "Luke?" he said reaching out to touch the boy's shoulder. "What's wrong? Why are you so sad Buddy?"

"Because Noah's asleep and I came in here to talk to you, and I hurt my foot…I'm sorry Dad."

"Sorry for what," Holden asked as he became more coherent. He was speaking to Luke, but his son was far from a little kid, despite his current state of distress.

"For not being strong enough to stop crying."

Holden sat up in bed and pulled his son up off the floor. Once he had Luke settled on the bed he examined his injured foot and left Luke's side to get a first aid kit. "It's a splinter," he explained as he sterilized a needle. "It's in there pretty deep so I'm going to need this to get it out, okay? It's only going to hurt for a minute."

"Do you have to?" Luke asked wiping his stray tears away as he eyed the needle skeptically.

"If we don't it could get infected…and your foot will fall off," Holden teased remembering the time he had to get a splinter out of Luke's hand when he was younger.

Luke's eyes widened just as he expected them to, and Holden used that moment of surprise to swiftly but effectively remove the splinter and cover the wound with antiseptic and a bandage. "That stings," Luke remarked as Holden patted his foot dry. "But at least I will be able to keep my foot."

"Yes you will," Holden laughed. "Now do you feel better?"

"My foot feels better, but I'm still super confused…are you sure it's okay that I woke you up?"

Holden nodded and squeezed his son's shoulder. "Its fine, Luke. Do you remember what we used to do after I fixed your booboos?"

"We had hot chocolate," Luke said a smile crossing his lips for the first time since he entered the room.

"Are you up for it?" Holden said allowing himself to smile.

Luke nodded and let his father pull him to his feet. He leaned on his dad as they headed for the kitchen and he sat at the table patiently while the proffered chocolate was prepared.

While he waited he wondered what he wanted to talk about most. He had a lot on his mind, and he was eager to talk to get his dad's opinion on it all. He just wasn't sure what to say or how to start. It had never been this hard to talk to his father before. He really did miss him.

"There you go," Holden's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. "Extra marshmallows just how you like it."

"Thanks Dad." Luke looked down at the floating marshmallows poking them with his spoon while Holden slid into the seat across from him. When he was younger he had been fascinated with how the little white puffs floated on the surface, and no matter how many times you poked them they just came back up. Once he had scalded his finger in a misguided attempt to drown one of the marshmallows.

"So are you going to tell me what's on your mind?" Holden asked once again pulling Luke out of his reverie. He looked up and immediately felt comfort in gentle blue eyes. He remembered in this moment why he had always found it easy to talk to his father, even when they were at odds with each other. He could do this…he just had to start somewhere.

"There's something I need to tell you, Dad," he said tracing the rim of his mug with his fingers. "I'm just not sure how to say it or if I should. And I don't want you to think I'm silly or anything like that."

"You know you can tell me anything, Luke."

"I know…and I never thank you for that enough." Luke frowned. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Holden asked taking a sip from his mug.

"For a lot of things," Luke said thoughtfully. "I haven't made things very easy for you since I came home…and I didn't trust you. I'm sorry I didn't, Dad…I just…it hurt a lot."

"I'm sure you felt betrayed," Holden acknowledged. "And you felt like there was no one in your corner."

"Yes…which is why I gravitated to Noah so quickly. He believed me; I needed someone to believe me."

"I believe you too, Luke."

"I know that now," Luke said softly. "I just want to make up for last year…I didn't mean to push mom down the stairs."

"It was an accident, Luke. I don't blame you for that."

"He said that you did. He told me you wanted to send me away because I hurt mom."

"He told me you wanted to go to rehab," Holden pointed out. "Was there another drinking episode I was not aware of?"

Luke shook his head and focused once more on his cooling chocolate. "After the DUI I just wanted to be the son you could be proud of. I'm sorry I messed up so much, and I didn't want to do it anymore. And then Mom fell down the stairs…but I didn't mean for that to happen either, Dad. I just didn't want her to send me away. And then you said you wanted me to go and I saw the paper with your signature and I just…I thought you didn't love me anymore."

Holden's expression was grim and he didn't know how to respond to his sons' confession. He knew what he wanted to say; he had all the words waiting on the tip of his tongue. But he didn't think any of them were appropriate…not at this very second. His son needed a platform; he needed to talk and that was what Holden needed to give him. They could deal with the other stuff later…they could talk about the consequences tomorrow…tonight was about Luke and what he needed to say.

Luke took a long drink of his chocolate and licked his lips as he placed the mug on the table. He loved the way his father made hot chocolate. He had missed the conversation that came along with the chocolate as well. It felt nice…right to be back in this place with a man he respected more than anything else.

"I'm starting to understand the truth of that," Luke said his fingers once again tracing the rim of his mug. "There are so many webs," he whispered remembering the way Noah had explained it to him once. "IT's like a spider has been working behind the scenes waving a puzzle that has so many twists and turns, and so many lies. How do we even begin to find the truth?"

"We start the easy way."

"I don't think I know what that means, Dad."

"Sure you do," Holden encouraged. "The answer's right in front of you, Luke you just have to grasp it."

"Can you help me, Dad? I don't think I know how."

"Start by telling me your truth."

"I'm gay," Luke said as the light bulb went off in his head. A small smile crossed his lips but it was gone in an instant as his fear overtook him. HE swallowed and attempted to speak again. "I'm gay and I'm okay with that. I like who I am…I want to be me and I want you to love that I am me."

"I love you, Luke. I love all of you. You are my son and I wouldn't change that for anything."

"Even if I don't even know who I am anymore?" Luke asked curiously. "I mean…I can remember what our relationship was like when I was younger. I know you have always been there for me, and you were my biggest supporter when I came out last year, before things went wrong. But I can remember events but I don't recognize the person who lived through them. I feel like I have lost a part of myself and I don't know how to get it back. I feel so lost, Dad and I don't know what to do about it."

Luke was crying again, his silent tears sliding down his face as he looked at his father for the answers he craved. Holden placed a comforting hand on his son's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "First I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself" Holden advised. "There is no judgment here and you aren't on trial or some kind of timeline. I'm not expecting you to be anyone but who you are, Luke, and if it takes awhile for you to find who that is then that's okay. I'll love you regardless."

Luke was positive that Holden could never know how much those words truly meant to him. He was sure he would have to hear them again…many times but the fact of the matter was that he believed him. And that for him was the best progress of all. "Can we have some more hot chocolate?" he asked pushing his now empty mug over to his dad. "I think we're going to need it."

Holden smiled and ruffled his son's hair as he got up to make more chocolate. Luke started talking as soon as Holden returned to his seat. He talked about writing in his journal and trying to figure out how he felt about Lily and Damian. He didn't know if he was ready to see them, even though he knew they would find him at some point. Holden listened for the most part, offering encouragement only when Luke asked a direct question. He liked that Luke was starting to open up to him, even if it still wasn't as much as he talked to Noah.

"When do you think I'll be strong enough?" Luke asked seriously as he finished off his third cup of hot chocolate. Despite the sugar rush Holden could sense that Luke was getting tired, and it wouldn't be too long before he was ready to sleep. "I think I am supposed to help Noah with his stuff too, but I don't really know what it's all about really."

Holden hid a smile as he watched Luke tracing his cup absently. It was already starting, the switching of topics as Luke tried in vain to stay coherent enough to finish a thought. "I think helping Noah is a good idea, son. It will help you to feel important."

"Noah thinks I'm important," Luke yawned and shook his head in an attempt to stay alert. "I really like that you let Noah live with you guys, Dad. He's been such a big help to me."

"I think you're ready for bed, Champ."

"I'm not done talking though," Luke whined, and Holden hid a smile. "I wanted to talk about Noah; I don't know what to do about him."

"What do you mean," Holden asked curiously.

"I don't know," Luke shook his head again, looking down into his empty mug. "I'd be so lost without him, and I don't' want to make him go away. If I become myself again he might leave and I wouldn't want that to happen. I love him so much, and that scares me a lot."

"Luke…"

"I don't know if I'm supposed to but I do, and it's not wrong, Dad. Right…I mean I can be…I think Noah will want to go away and I don't want him to."

"And I think you won't remember any of this tomorrow, Buddy." Holden's expression was sympathetic as he watched his son nod off. He stood and helped his son out of his chair, practically carrying him to the room he shared with Noah.

"Dad," Luke called as Holden placed him in the bed.

"Yes, Bud?"

"Thanks for the chocolate and conversation. I love you."

Holden bent down to place a kiss on his son's forehead. "I love you too son, get some sleep." He ignored the moisture in his eyes as he covered Luke with a blanket and made sure Noah was comfortable as well. He wasn't surprised at all to see Luke scoot over as close to Noah as he could without hurting him. The scene made Holden smile, and it gave him a sense of peace. He had no doubt that his son was going to be okay.