Hello again! Two updates for you all today. I hope you all enjoy, please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)
*Just a warning there is a lot do with suicide in this chapter so if there's a possibility you could be triggered in some way please please don't read. You are all truly amazing people, please always remember that!* X
That's what's in me – Chapter twenty-one
He sat in the back of the ambulance, the sound of the siren overhead drowning out the talk between Dixie and Iain that they had tried to get Cal involved in numerous amounts of times but he was too busy focusing on keeping calm. He knew throwing himself into work probably wasn't the smartest of ideas but he was willing to prove to everyone and more so himself, that he was ready to be back. He found himself fiddling with the packet of tablets in his pocket again, thinking whether or not now was the time to take one of his 'just in case' ones but then he figured nothing has actually happened yet, he was just getting himself worked up, his thoughts weren't too bad at the moment. He just knew he and Ethan would have ended up having another argument if he stayed in the ED, and he really didn't want that, neither of them did.
"Oh great what's this?" He heard Dixie sigh as the ambulance came to a stop and the siren shut off, "I thought we were called out to the RTA?" she asked.
"No we got called out to here instead, apparently we were needed for a 'precaution'" Iain told her, "Looks like we're going to be waiting around a while" he sighed as he rested his head back.
"Why?" Cal called from the back.
"It's nothing love, how about I take you back to the ED? I think Ethan might've been right, I don't think you're up for this today sometimes it's best to start off slow to getting back into the swing of things..." she replied sincerely.
Iain looked at stunned "Jesus I might have a kid if it gets you this much special treatment" he laughed unknowingly, Dixie shot him a snarl to shut him up. Iain knew nothing about Cal's depression.
"I think you're right Dixie, after this call I think I'll stick to cubicles" Cal replied responsibly. He wasn't up for this and he didn't want to put other people's lives in danger because of it, Dixie nodded understandingly and opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by Iain who gasped loudly.
"Oh thought she jumped then, that's a long drop though, is there even any point of us being here? Once she hits that water surely she's a goner?" he spat out.
"What's going on?" Cal asked confused as he stood up to take a look.
"Cal-" Dixie warned but was cut off by Iain who spoke out excitedly, "Suicidal girl on the bridge, been threatening to jump for the last thirty minutes-"
His words hit him so hard. He slumped back down in his chair and pulled out his tablets frantically, swallowing them with a bottle of water he held in his shaking hands. He never thought he would face something so close to home, he thought at the most he would have a few drunken patients shouting abuse, never did he think he would be faced with this. He closed his eyes and desperately tried to rid his thoughts from his mind, he just hoped his medication would kick in soon.
"Are you okay?" Dixie asked concerned but Cal didn't reply. She knew about Cal's dark thoughts, she was there when they had the argument and Cal told his younger brother that some days he wishes he didn't wake up, it wouldn't surprise her if he had considered committing suicide before, giving how severe his depression was.
"Right I think we'll get you back to the ED kiddo, you can relax a bit more back there" she decided.
Cal nodded slowly in reply.
"What? Why? Come on Dix this is the most interesting call out we've had in weeks let's not wreck it eh?" Iain urged her.
But Dixie ignored him, having Caleb's safety as her priority, "Backup needed for 3006, we need to get back to the ED ASAP" she spoke down her radio.
"Am I missing something?" Iain asked confused as he shot a glance back at Cal who was sat holding his head in his hands.
"Shut it Iain" Dixie warned.
"Backup is on its way for 3006" a woman's voice replied on the radio.
"Right, cheers" Dixie replied, "don't worry Cal we'll be back before you know-" she paused suddenly as she turned to find Cal wasn't there, "Cal?" she called.
Iain then turned back, "where's Cal?" he asked confused.
They then turned to face forward and watched as Cal pushed through the crowd of watching people and ducked underneath the police tape they had put around the area to stop people getting in. The police called for him to get back but he didn't listen he stopped beside the girl.
"Stay back or I'll jump, I swear to God I'll jump" the girl demanded as tears streamed down her face. She was such a beautiful girl, tall, slim, she had long brown hair that flowed in the wind as it blew against her and a beanie on her head. It was so hard to believe that such a beautiful young girl could get themselves in a situation like this but it just hit home to Cal how depression can effect absolutely anybody, including himself. Although she was stood on the edge of a bridge, sobbing her heart out with mascara tracing her cheeks, Cal could still imagine what her carefree smile would look like, this all felt so wrong...
Cal watched her warily and took a step back, "please don't do this" he begged.
"Just leave me alone!" She screamed back.
Cal shook his head and grabbed hold of her hand, "not going to happen" he replied causing her to tear her eyes from the water below and look up at him, he looked deep into her eyes, "what's your name?" He asked.
"Kayleigh" she replied as she looked back down at the water and took a step to the left, away from Cal.
"Hi Kayleigh, I'm Caleb but you can call me Cal" he spoke softly, "how old are you?" He asked, as he noticed just how young she looked.
"Nineteen" she sniffed in reply.
"God you're so young..." he sighed sadly, "look, Kayleigh, just think about your future, think happy thoughts try and rid your mind of the dark ones...there are endless possibilities out there, don't throw it all away" he told her, quoting the words Ben once told him though he knew from experience it was easier said than done.
"I can't, I try and I try but I can't stay here anymore, there isn't one thought in my head that is telling me not to jump off this bridge" she cried.
"Well there must be one of you would've done it already" he replied. It pained him to say the next part, "look, I know what you're going through-"
She cut him off, "oh because you're a doctor you suddenly know me?! No fuck you, I'm sick of doctors telling me they understand when they don't!" She screamed as she moved even more away from him.
"Kayleigh just hear me out yeah?" he pleaded, "Okay I'm a doctor but I'm also depressed. I got diagnosed not long ago but apparently I've had it nearly all my life just something dramatic in my life recently triggered it off and I started getting dark thoughts, thinking 'what's the point in trying? Why should I wake up and face each day when I know I'm nothing more than a waste of space that would be better off for everyone if was just gone?' So many times I've thought about killing myself, I've even planned it out even down to the suicide letter I would leave to my brother, he's the only family I have left, well, except my daughter. He told me the other day that I was brave, but I'm not brave, I'm a coward, if I was brave I could put my plans to practise and kill myself but I can't even bring myself to do that..." He paused to compose himself as talking about his thoughts caused them the run hauntingly through his mind, Kayleigh turned to look at him.
"You actually do understand don't you?" She asked amazed.
Cal nodded sadly, "it's my first day back at work today" he told her, "There are ways forward Kayleigh it's not all a big downwards spiral. I thought there was no way out and I would spend my days getting drunk but then I got help, I have a councillor and I'm on medication which seriously helps-" she cut him off.
"What changed?" She asked.
"What? He asked confused.
"What made you get help instead of ending it?" She asked.
"Well, I had a little girl come into my life which made me see that I'm not a waste of space because she needs me" he told her.
"What's her name?" She asked.
"Tobi" he smiled wondrously, "Tobi Matilda Knight, her middle name is after my mum who died last year...God she would've loved to meet her" he smiled sadly.
"See you have a reason to live Cal, I don't" she replied as she looked back down at the water.
"Yeah to be honest, when I was nineteen neither did I, I had no commitments, yeah I had family but come on...what teenager gets on with their family?" He chuckled slightly, "but one day that changed, I never in a million years thought I'd be a dad" he reasoned, "each day brings a new challenge but you've got to face it" he told her.
She continued to look down at the water below, "listen, are you going to get back over the right side of this bridge?" He asked as he examined how she stood.
She thought for a moment before she spoke out, "No" she whimpered in reply.
"Right then, I'll join you" he smiled and climbed over.
"Cal!" He heard Dixie's concerned voice scream.
"What are you doing?!" Kayleigh snapped as she watched him climb over.
"Being brave" he replied, "you know, a year ago, in this very spot I saved a girl's life" he told her.
"Do you make a habit of waiting around to stop suicidal people from ending their lives? Surely there must be a better way for you to pass time, watch a movie? Play some golf?" Kayleigh joked sarcastically.
"Playing golf, now that sounds like suicide within itself" Cal joked causing Kayleigh to laugh slightly, "actually I was on call with the paramedics, like I am today, it was my first day on the job and a limo was hanging over the edge of the bridge, right here." He told her.
"What did you do?" she asked intrigued.
"I had to climb into the limo that was half off the bridge and perform a medical procedure on the girl or she would die, all whilst trying to balance in the back of this limo...she lived, of course, she had me looking after her" he concluded smugly.
"You've got a big head" she stated.
"True" he agreed, "you know it's actually quite a nice view up here...considering" he spoke as he scanned around him, "long drop too" he added as he looked down, "right then, shall we get this over with?" He asked as he leaned forward causing everyone surrounding them and Kayleigh to scream.
"Cal don't!" She screamed as she looked away, "please just get back over the bridge" she begged.
"Why should I?" He shrugged.
"Because you've got a whole life to live, you've got a family and a job and people who love you, please don't end that here, grow old and die when you're ready, naturally, I know life seems bad now but it'll get better" she pleaded.
"Tell that to yourself too Kayleigh because the exact same thing relates to you, except your life is more exciting than mine, mine is already pretty much laid out for me whereas yours? You can do whatever and go wherever the hell you want with it, it's completely yours and you're only nineteen? Pfft that's pretty much a blank canvas, god if only I could go back to when I was nineteen..." He shook his head as he looked back down at the water.
"Please just get back over the bridge Cal" she sighed deeply.
"If you go, I go" he replied determined.
"I agree with your brother" she told him.
"What?" He asked confused as he looked at her.
"I think you're brave, I'm the coward. You fight your demons everyday but me? I'm taking the chicken's way out and ending my life, at least you're trying" she told him.
"Yeah well maybe I'm sick of trying" he muttered as he leaned his body forward once more causing everyone to scream again.
"Please stop it Cal! You've got a daughter" She cried.
"She's not even mine" he scoffed as tears built in his eyes.
"What?" She asked confused.
"Nothing, it's complicated" he whimpered as his tears now poured down his cheeks.
"Why are you doing this? You don't even know me" she asked.
"Because you've just given me the boost I needed" Cal as he looked up at her with tear-filled eyes.
"Look Cal if I get back over this bridge and will you get back over with me?" She asked.
He paused for a moment before he spoke, "Yes" he replied as he looked up at her.
"But promise me one thing; you'll help me get help because I want to be brave like you, I can't do this alone" she cried.
"Okay" he promised her and she began to climb back over, he helped steady her with one hand, keeping a tight grasp on the rail behind him with the other.
"You're a wonderful person Caleb" she told him sincerely.
"I'm also a really good lair" he replied as he watched her feet hit the ground.
"What?" She asked confused.
"I was never going to climb back over Kayleigh" he told her and turned back to look at the water below.
"What?! Cal climb over!" she shouted but he didn't budge, "Cal!" She screamed she tried to climb back over but the police ran at her and dragged her back, "you promised you'd help me get help!" He sobbed as she fought the police.
"Ask for Ben Harding" he told her, keeping his promise, and looked back down at the water "another life saved on this bridge" he whispered to himself.
Back at the ED...
"Hey get a look at that, there's a suicidal girl on a bridge, I've been watching it for the past twenty minutes, apparently a man from the crowd is with her now" Noel explained as everyone stood around reception to watch the news on the TV.
"So sad" Ethan sighed as he looked down at the notes he had in his hand and began to write. He instantly thought of Cal knowing that person on the bridge was probably going through the same thing as him; luckily Cal was getting the help he needed.
"Turn that up a second Noel..." Zoe spoke as she spotted something, Noel turned up the TV.
"...is-is that Cal?" She asked in shock, Ethan's eyes shot back up to the TV instantly.
"The man who has joined the girl on the bridge is reportedly a doctor from Holby City hospital, he was first thought to have been talking her down but as he completed that and the girl was taken to safety he has stayed on the wrong side of the bridge..."
Noel muted the TV once more as everyone looked back in shock to comfort Ethan but he was already gone, his notes and pen on the floor where he previously stood.