Your eyes are not deceiving you, that's right, this is *another* update. I know there have been a ton lately, and I appreciate everyone's comments (including those of you who are worried about being over-indulged right now with this fic!) I know I am guilty of doing that at the moment, because I am working my butt off to try and get this ready for a certain day...but just hang in there everyone! Stick with me, it will be good (I hope!)
So all that being said, if you haven't had the chance to read chapters 19 *and* 20, both of which were posted within the past 30 hours of this one, I hope you will read them too!
Also, it should be noted that this *may* be the last chapter where this story keeps it's T rating. Yes, that's right something "M" related may be happening in the next chapter or two (I know *gasp* BEFORE THE WEDDING?) So just be aware! BUT I PROMISE TO GIVE FAIR WARNING beforehand, and I hope that you all will continue to read this story, even if M-rated stuff isn't your cup of tea.
OK! Long A/N, enough of that. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR STICKING WITH ME! I hope you enjoy!
Chapter Twenty-One
Dearest Gwen,
It's finally happening! It's finally happening! TOM AND I ARE GOING TO BE MARRIED!
Saturday, the seventh of June, that's just over three weeks away! Oh Gwen…I…I can't stop smiling! I…I'm just so, so happy! FINALLY! After all this time…we finally have a date, we finally know when it will be!
Oh my dearest friend, I do hope you and Edward can come? Please? And the children? Oh please, Gwen, please say you will? I'm inviting everyone! I've written to my family, to everyone back at Downton; if they could, I would love for everyone to be there—Carson, Mrs. Hughes, Mrs. Patmore, Daisy, all of the hall boys and kitchen maids, EVEN O'Brien! (Though I imagine she will come anyway, to help Mama). BUT YES! I want everyone to be there, to share in my joy as I finally, FINALLY, marry the man I love! Oh Gwen…was this how you felt as your wedding to Edward drew closer and closer? I mean…it's strange, because just a few days ago, I wasn't sure when exactly Tom and I would be married; originally the priest from his church refused, but apparently he's had a change of heart, and this past Sunday, the banns were finally read for the first time, and…well, as I've said, WE HAVE A DATE!
So please, please come. It would be such a wonderful honor to have all of you there…
Oh Gwen…I…I'm just so giddy! I can't stop smiling or giggling or…skipping, even! Yes, I do think I have skipped quite a bit since Father Stephen visited us and told us he would do it. I'm both so eager and…as odd as it sounds, rather terrified by it all, but (again, as odd as it sounds), terrified in the very best way! AND THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO! So much to plan and make ready. We still need to find a place to live, but I know that will come, I have every faith, and then there's my dress—OH GWEN, I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU ABOUT MY DRESS!
Do you remember my tea gown? The one I wore at the garden party, the day you got the job? Of course you remember that day, but anyway, that dress—that is going to be my wedding dress!
…
…
…Do you think it will do?
…
I only ask because…well…well I showed it to Tom's mother today; she asked me what I was going to do about a wedding dress and before I could say anything, one of Tom's sisters piped up and said that I had a dress already, to which Mrs. Branson gasped and "demanded" to see it, so I went to fetch it, and…and…
…
Well…she put on a smile, but…but I cannot deny that it did look rather…forced.
…
I know that Tom's sisters weren't exactly…"impressed"…by it when I first showed it to them (I revealed the dress to them a week before), but they are much younger, and so in their minds, a wedding dress needs to look a certain way, and…well…I know my tea gown doesn't look like a "typical" dress a bride would wear, but…well, I'm trying to be economical; why spend money on a new dress, one that is only meant to be worn for this one occasion, when something like my tea gown will suffice?
…
…
Alright, no doubt you're rolling your eyes at me. Yes, yes, this is the same person who once said, "Is there anything more exciting than a new frock?" And…alright, I will admit, I have seen some lovely gowns—there's a dressmaker's shop not so far from here; I passed it over a week ago—and have passed it multiple times since, I will admit, and yes, there are some gorgeous gowns on display in its window, but…well as I said, I simply can't go and spend money on something like that. Papa did give us some money, but…but really, that needs to be saved for something much more important, and I will not ask him to send me more just so I can buy a new gown (EVEN if it's for my wedding), and I certainly will not allow Tom and his family to lend me money for such a thing, so…so my tea gown will have to do.
…Which is fine! COMPLETELY FINE! In fact, I want to, I want to wear my tea gown, because that was the day when…when Tom and I first held hands.
…
Alright, yes, he held my hand when he would help me in and out of the car before then, of course, but…but that day was different, that day we were both just…just so happy for you, Gwen, and so proud! And I remember grinning and beaming and feeling so many wonderful emotions, even as Mrs. Hughes scolded us, I couldn't help myself, I reached out and…and found Tom's hand and grasped it tightly, my fingers interlacing with his.
…
I don't think either of us had touched each other like that before. I'm very certain we hadn't.
But on that day, in that dress, we did. We held hands, our fingers weaving together, our palms…kissing, if I may be so bold to say. And I just remember feeling such a wonderful tingling warmth spread from my hand to my wrist and up my arm and throughout my body…
And then…and then he looked at me, right after you walked away, his eyes…his eyes so beautiful, the green so clear in the blue, and his voice soft, but there was a deep timbre to it, and to this day I remember how my heart quickened at the sound…and he murmured…"I don't suppose…"
…And I honestly don't know what he was going to say, because Mrs. Hughes interrupted us at that moment, telling me that Mama was "asking for me", but…but I think my heart knew then, even if my mind didn't, that I was in love with him. And so that is why I want to wear that dress, that is why I think that dress would be perfect as my wedding dress (that, and the fact that it's the closest thing I have that's white!) But you do think it's appropriate, don't you? I mean, like I said, I know it's not the most "traditional" thing for a bride to wear, but I do think it's lovely and Tom will like it, I'm sure…
…
…
Anyway, after I showed it to Mrs. Branson, I asked her if she would help me in…well, in letting it out. It's rather…tight, I must confess. I haven't really worn it since that day. Not many instances where it was proper or appropriate (which no doubt sounds odd, coming from me), but the point is, it's too tight at the waist and hips and the stitches need to be let out so I can fit into it again. And, well, since I'm still learning when it comes to sewing and mending (I have finally mastered the ability to sew on a proper button!), I had to swallow my pride and ask my future mother-in-law for some help. And, despite her obvious misgivings about the dress when I first showed it to her, she did smile and take it and say that yes, she would fix it for me, so there you have it.
I suppose I'm spoiling a few things now, telling you about my gown. But that's alright! It will be my "something old"—and I do still need a veil, so I will spend a little money on that, I think, which will be my "something new", and…well, I'm sure I can borrow something from Mary or Edith, or perhaps even Mama or Granny, and as for blue…well, I haven't quite thought of that yet (though my first thought was my "harem pants", as Tom calls them), but I don't quite see how I can wear that as well as my tea gown, but I'll think of something! Perhaps some blue flowers for my bouquet? Yes…yes, actually, now that I think about that, I do like that idea…oh gracious, what shall be in my bouquet? I haven't even thought about that! And the service! We haven't discussed it in any great detail, but Tom was saying the other night that despite what perhaps members of his family may think, he will advise Father Stephen to not do a full "mass" for the wedding, simply because only half of the people there will be able to participate (and Lord knows both Papa and Granny will be livid enough when they see that it's taking place in a Catholic church). Oh Gwen, do you see what I mean? SO MANY THINGS TO PLAN AND DO! But yes, yes, I am excited if you couldn't tell, and I can't wait!
Oh there is so much to share Gwen, so much! I have a job now! Last week, when I went to the Temple Street Children's Hospital to interview, I met a nun—yes, I didn't miswrite that, a nun—who also happens to be a midwife, named Sister Claire. It was so fortunate that we met, because Tom's sister Kathleen went into labor this past Friday, and it was absolute madness—a riot had broken out several streets away, and the soldiers were holding people back, but both Sister Claire and I managed to get to Kathleen's flat, and she was in labor and her husband had gone to fetch help but couldn't get back because of the barricade and…well, long story short, Sister Claire and I had to help deliver Kathleen's baby.
And a fine, handsome fellow he is! Declan Patrick O'Hara is his name, Declan after Tom's father, and Patrick…well, at first I assumed it was because Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland, but then I learned that it was because…because Sean and Kathleen wanted to…to…
…
Oh forgive me Gwen, I do not mean to make the ink run, but I still get emotional when I think about it…
…
Sean and Kathleen chose "Patrick" because…because it's the masculine version of "Patricia"…my middle name.
They wanted to show their gratitude for…for the help I could provide, though really, Sister Claire deserves all their thanks, Lord knows what would have happened if she hadn't been there! But…but I am deeply honored and humbled by their kindness, and…well, it was because of this that Sister Claire revealed that she was looking for a nurse to assist her, so…there you have it! I have a job, as an assistant midwife, and I hope to begin taking more courses this summer as well! Expand my education and experience as a nurse, and…well…who knows? Maybe I'll like being a midwife? Maybe I'll decide to remain one? We'll see, but…but it's a job, Gwen! A JOB! I finally, FINALLY, have a job!
…Though as happy as I am for this to be true, I'm still more excited, I cannot deny, for my wedding!
Which…well…which does lead me to a few questions…
…And yes, Gwen, I do mean those sorts of questions.
…
Alright, I'll just come out and say it.
Last night, Tom and I were…well, it was a beautiful evening and we decided to take advantage of the warm weather and go for a stroll, and we eventually made it back to our park and settled ourselves under our tree (Tom likes it call it "our" tree, even though for the longest time, it was uniquely his own secret place) and…well, there was no one else around, so we started kissing…and…well, our kissing grew, and became very passionate…and…and I moaned as Tom's lips sucked onto mine, and he groaned at the noise, and I continued to kiss him, my lips moving down his jaw, to his throat, his neck…and eventually to his ear, and…well I remember how he had done this to my ear once, where he kissed it and sucked the lobe between his lips and…God, the memory still makes my legs tremble. So…so I decided to do the same to him, and I wrapped my lips around his earlobe and tugged on it, my tongue flicking across it, and I even was so bold as to nip it, and he growled so loudly, I swear Gwen, it sent birds flying from the branches overhead! And…and his lower body, it thrust against mine, and…well, I've felt him do that in the past, and I…responded, grinding my hips and pelvis to match his movements, and…we were rocking together quite a bit, clinging to each other so tightly, and I gasped as…I swear Gwen, if we didn't have so many layers between us, I think we may have…
…
Well, it got to the point where Tom had to tear himself away, and…and he stumbled backwards, nearly falling, and he doubled-over and I thought he was in pain! I reached for him then, but he moved away, begging me not to touch him, to just "give him a moment" and…while he didn't say, I can only assume he was on the brink of…
Well…I don't know what exactly people call it, but I can only assume he was about to experience what is medically known as an…orgasm.
…
…
Oh Lord Gwen! I can't believe I just wrote that. Although I know you say I can come to you with any questions about…marriage, and I am glad, because quite frankly, it's hard to imagine asking Mama these things.
But…it did surprise me, just…seeing Tom suddenly become so…"fragile", in a sense. And…does it sound strange to say that…I felt rather "powerful"? I mean, I hope you don't mind me asking, but…do you ever feel that way, with Edward? It's just amazing to me, to see this powerful man suddenly become so weak, though I don't mean that badly, not at all! Just…I…I want to make him feel like that over and over. I want him to…to tremble in pleasure. I understand why Tom put some distance between us last night, but…but Lord, I hope that on our wedding night, he will not do that. That he will let me…"drive me over the edge". I want to do that for him, I want to be the cause for that! So Gwen…please…any advice you can offer on how to do just that, I would greatly appreciate!
…As I'm sure Tom would as well.
Oh Gwen, I'm so sorry if this feels rather awkward! I am sitting here giggling now (to calm my own nerves) but…well, I know that you and Tom are good friends too, so perhaps this is a little too strange to answer? If it is, I understand; I'm sure Susan can help me as well, both of you being married women who are madly in love with your husbands. But anything you can offer, anything at all, I will devour and study until the ink has been worn away!
…Oh, and…well, one more question.
…Did it hurt, your first time?
It's strange how I'm only asking this now, but perhaps it's because my wedding night has been set, that I am indulging myself these thoughts and imaginings, but please, can you answer that for me? Because I've heard different things, from some of the nurses with whom I worked alongside back at Downton. Some of them were talking about how the first time is horrible, that there's all this blood, and that it's very short—a few minutes and then it's over. Though I did think that whoever these men were, they were poor lovers indeed to not see to the comfort of their partners. And I can't imagine Tom being like that. However, at the same time, I would imagine that there might be some…discomfort…and perhaps even a little blood.
I just want to be prepared, not so much for myself, but for him. Because I know him, I know that if he thinks I'm experiencing the slightest amount of pain, he'll want to stop or he'll try to stop, and God knows I don't want him to!
…I didn't want him to stop last night, I confess.
…
It's getting harder, this waiting. Which is ironic, since the end is in sight, but perhaps that's why it feels so much harder? We're so close, but not just there, not yet.
It rather reminds me of how I went to Tom just before I said "yes", and he asked me if I had made my decision and I said, "Not quite, but almost…"
If this feeling I'm having right now is anything like what he was feeling then, then I am very sorry, because I feel like I may go mad!
Oh "soon" cannot come soon enough!
But I shall try to distract myself with getting ready for the wedding, as well as for our home. Tom has been most diligent in trying to find us a flat, and I have every faith that something will be found. Just as I have every faith that soon, soon he'll get something published!
Oh Gwen, he came so close! He wrote a wonderful article (so I thought, at least) about that riot I mentioned; he and his brother were very clever in climbing the roofs of several buildings, getting a look over the city and writing what he saw. He turned the article in and Mr. Quinn thought it was good, and complimented Tom on his "ingenuity" in scaling the rooftops, but he did not publish it.
I think I was more irate about the outcome than he was. Tom did say that at the time he was upset, but he's brushed it off, and mentioned how he did take pleasure in knowing that the man who was his partner on this assignment, and who refused to listen to Tom's advice on the article, also didn't have anything published—perhaps because he didn't get anything written! At least Tom did that! But Mr. Quinn did promise Tom more opportunities to go and research and interview, and that…when the time was right, he would publish something. So for that, I am happy, as is Tom. And that's what's important.
Oh gracious Gwen, this letter is becoming a novel it seems! I shall stop so I can post it first thing tomorrow. But I do hope you and Edward and the twins can come! And I look forward to hearing your reply; I think I'll be taking a permanent residence at the letter box over the next week as I wait to hear back from everyone! But yes…yes, it is finally happening!
I am to be Mrs. Sybil Branson. Oh Gwen, I can't wait!
In deep friendship,
—Sybil