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It was a quiet drive through Nakano, with the thick traffic and the bright lights glinting through the tinted windows. They'd shrugged off their coats as the heating filling the car with warmth. There were audible scoffs at displays of poor driving and nervous glances in between the rear view mirror when Toshiro wasn't focused driving and Karin wasn't focused playing with her phone. From the corner of her eye, she watched him, biting down on the inside of her cheek.
Hitsugaya driving was distracting in and of itself - he was long and lean, stretched out against the drivers seat as his eyes trained ahead, glinting against the city lights. The cigarette in between his lips drew her into the clench of his jaw.
Karin remembered the night of her little slip up at Uryuu's birthday, when he drove her home in a much different car. A sleek, two seater sports car, something expensive and foreign. With her blood racing and her skin burning with something close to shame, she'd ignored their proximity in favor of bossing him around. Her hands shook, her expression was distinctly skittish, and she kept recrossing her legs every three minutes. Give me this, get me that, take me home. As long as he hadn't looked too close...
Now, so acutely aware of the space between their bodies, her phone clenched tightly inside a fist, reality escaped her.
Her head still hurt with his words.
You shouldn't be defending me, he said, sounding like he'd lived his life a hundred times over, too weary to put into words.
Not over something so...I was an alcoholic, and I didn't give enough of a shit about it until I started hurting myself, he said, laying his past at her feet to trample over, as if resigned to a horrible fate.
You're allowed your secrets, he said, stern and angry. Unapologetic.
An angry, cynical smile pulled at Karin's lips as she clicked off her phone. She ran a hand through her hair, shaking it out and letting it fall over her shoulder as she stared at the endless traffic before them. Too much, too soon - they were sharing secrets like third graders, from some imaginary weight they were bound to honesty. The prospect was frightening, having to reveal her own past, but he'd said it like he need a long nap and a Xanax.
They hadn't even kissed yet, and she was already jumping to the gun in defending his past of alcoholism. It was strange to Karin. The relief remained steady, because no matter what, she did not want to blame him for past mistakes she had no part in.
And Rukia was wrong, so fucking wrong for telling her. That was not a curiosity to satiate. She had no right to divulge secrets that should have been told to her on Toshiro's terms.
What if she ended up hating him for it? Disgusted? Not wanting a man who would bring her back to where she'd began in the first place?
"Why are you making that face?" Toshiro said gruffly, breaking the silence. She started, head whirling to meet his eyes, but they were trained firmly on the road before them.
Her mouth gaped open as she thought of a suitable lie, then cursed aloud at the truth of it. "I left my bathroom light on," Karin muttered.
A real, clumsy smile slipped onto his face. "Idiot."
"Keep talking or you get smacked."
"I'm driving. You can't assault the designated driver."
Karin cackled, pointing at the window, filled with bumper-to-bumper traffic. It made him grimace unknowingly. "I could kill you right now and still have the time to dump your body in the back seat before this traffic even budges," she reasoned, crossing her arms. "So keep your trap shut, Jiichan."
"If I was your grandfather, I'd disown you in three seconds flat," Toshiro scoffed, rolling his eyes. He still hadn't looked at her. "Don't claim me."
"I'm not claiming you," Karin huffed, offended at the notion. "I'm insulting you."
"You're claiming me. And I refuse to be claimed."
"Like a wild fucking animal. Right."
"Exactly. Look at your claws."
Karin flexed her hands out in front of her, acrylic nails relatively short and rounded. She'd gotten her nails done the day before with her sister, as she practiced reciting her presentation for class. Her nails were glossy, sharp, and blood red. And...decidedly vicious-looking.
"Aw. You notice all the little things, don't you?" Karin mocked, her voice sugary sweet. She saw his pinched, annoyed expression as he scowled. She reached over and took the cigarette dangling from between his lips with pinched fingers, twisting around between her fingers when she leaned back. It made his scowl deepen. "You know, we shouldn't be fighting. We should be a united front against Ichi-nii and Rukia-nee."
"We're not going to survive anyway," Hitsugaya said sardonically, sliding his eyes towards his captive cancer stick before focusing on the road again. "You know that."
Karin shrugged, looking out the window as her fingers busied themselves. There was anxiety, dread so thick and so heavy clawing out her throat, she might have made him pull over just to have a screaming match with herself. But that was easily ignored if she talked, planned. "Well, yeah. But if we just have to agree to not say anything incriminating. Be strategically defensive," she said, reasoning as if she were heading into war.
"Being defensive means that you have something to hide," he said sagely. Through the rear view mirror, he watched her pop the cigarette onto her mouth, teasingly rolling it between her lips.
"Some things are worth hiding," she replied - much more softly than she wanted, words half muttered.
What are we even hiding in the first place? Who are we hiding from? Karin asked herself, borderline angry. She sighed sharply through her nose. What do I have that's worth hiding right now? What do I even want from this?
As she realized she had no immediate answer to her questions, they lapsed into silence again.
When they finally got to Kozue - the restaurant in question where they would march into battle - they were on the very outskirts of Tokyo, with the stars fully coming out from the darkness of the night sky. The pale light hazed over the street as they pulled in to the very front, half squinting in the darkness of the night. As Toshiro pulled into the valet, he groaned aloud at the small group of people milling about outside the front. He pulled the key from the ignition and grasped it in a tightly clenched fist.
"Fucking photographers," Toshiro spat, his jaw locking lividly. Karin blinked, unbuckling herself from her car and stretching out of her seat to see the small group of people.
"Can't be more than a dozen," Karin said, words still garbled. She shrugged. "Well be fine."
He huffed, as if he didn't quite believe her, but he was unbuckling himself from his own seat and shrugging on his jacket. She did the same with her coat and grabbed her clutch, slapping her thigh with it.
"Let us march forward, captain," Karin announced, mockingly somber. She even saluted. He sneered.
"Captain? As if. I'd be...I'd be a general. A king," he said haughtily, somewhat teasing. Before she could correct him - as if he would be a king, the arrogant son of a bitch - he was already unlocking the door to the car and slipping out.
Patiently, she waited, watching him round about the car, and watching the small group of paparazzi beginning to flock towards them. Hitsugaya paid them no mind as he got to Karin's door and opened it for her. The shock of cold air hit her thoroughly, a slap in the face as her body acclimated by the sudden freezing winds again. He held out his hand for her, and she took it, squeezing hard.
Cameras flashed pervasively, with shouts and the convergence of a crowd, but she held his hand in her own for a moment longer before stepping out of the car. Her heels felt so useless at that moment; it would have been worth pissing Rukia off if she wore boots or sneakers. What stability would you find with unnaturally shaped footwear? She felt unbalanced. Leaning all her weight onto Toshiro, she found solid ground once more.
He hadn't let go of her hand to close the door behind her, but he did when he reached up to take the cigarette from her mouth.
"You got lipstick all over it," Toshiro muttered, twisting it within his own fingers and pressing his fingers into the plum stains. It made her smirk for a fleeting second, leaving her imprint in that way.
As he turned, towards the valet that he tossed his keys towards, and through the crowd. She followed closely behind, the urge to latch onto the back of his jacket making her fingers twitch. The grip on her clutch turned deathly.
"Hitsugaya-san!" one photographer shouted - or maybe a reporter? "For what reason are you out this evening?"
"Kurosaki-san!" another one shouted. A camera flashed dangerously close to her face. "Look here!"
"Karin-chan! Are the two of you on a date?"
"Do not address me informally!" Karin seethed, waving her hand away at the young woman that had gotten incredibly close - the eagerness in her dark eyes started to fade when their gazes met. She'd paused altogether, beginning to loose Toshiro in his fast-paced stride "I am not your friend."
The reporter - with her auburn hair tied up into a large bun, her heavy parka, her little notepad clutched inside of her hands - became suddenly small and meek, shying away from Karin as the crowd converged further.
A hand shot out to snatch her by the crook of her elbow and dragged her forward. Karin stumbled, nearly falling, cursing lowly as she attempted to regain her balance. Toshiro dragged her forward until she found her own stride and kept along with him. She didn't see his face, just focused on putting one foot in front of the other.
"That was unnecessary."
Karin looked at him as she stumbled along, breathing unevenly and glaring hot enough to singe a hole through his skull. He was calm and cool as ever, if not a bit agitated. But she was smart; Karin fully looped his arm through her own and swallowed down an angry curse.
"They," she spat, waving an arm behind her, gesturing towards the eager mob, "are unnecessary."
Hitsugaya's lips thinned out into a line, but he didn't comment further.
It didn't feel like a victory to her, but she would take it.
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"Eat it."
"I'm not eating it."
"You're going to eat it."
"Bite me."
"Don't get kinky in public, Rukia," Ichigo groaned. "Just eat it."
"You stupid-!"
The dark haired woman reached under the table and did something
They were seated quickly and quietly - a droll waiter took their coats and lead them away to a large booth in the back of the restaurant at the name "Kurosaki". Karin caught her brother's mop of strawberry blonde hair across the room within moments, and it made her smile wryly, unconsciously picking up her pace.
Maybe she did miss him.
Kozue was an expensive sushi restaurant; the windows were high and overlooking Tokyo's skyline, the tables were made of lush dark wood that matched the floors, and the low lighting made a haze of yellow throughout the room. She'd been here several times before, for dinner parties and the odd Kurosaki family get together that involved too much sake and too much laughter.
It was also one of the few places that Yuzu would be fully pleased at; taking the girl out to eat was a nightmare, with her twitching nose and distinct eye for making even the waiters uncomfortable with her questions on the food preparation.
Culinary school had beaten the chef into her liberally, with a no nonsense attitude when it came to how her food was prepared. So with Kozue, Yuzu happily nibbled away at her favorite foods without a word of complaint. There was nothing but happiness surrounding their dinner tables.
The memories of it made her smile fade away easily.
Ichigo and Rukia saw them while them while they were busy staring down the menus and debating something - there was a heavy grin on the dark haired woman's face as she pointed to something with a long, finely manicured nail. Karin involuntarily smiled, excited through the fearfulness that clenched inside of her stomach.
The urge to reach over and squeeze Toshiro's hand bloodless hit her for the second time that night, and it angered her. It was stupid to fear her own family. It was stupid to be scared of having dinner with one of the most important people in her life. No matter how vulnerable and stripped down she felt right now, she at least owed her brother a visit. She knew that. She knew it.
But it became painfully hard to swallow when her brother cut Hitsugaya a look sharper than broken glass edges.
Thirty five minutes and two appetizers later, Karin sat sandwiched between the two, sipping on a tall glass of iced water with her sudden, self-imposed sobriety for the night ("What will you have to drink, Hitsugaya-san?" "Just water." "So will I." "Are you sure, Kurosaki-san? We have a new selection of red wine imported from Italy last week." "I. Will. Have. Water.") as she picked at her eel and shrimp tempura sushi. Ichigo busied himself with trying to get Rukia to taste his yellow tail hamachi sashimi. She wrinkled her nose delicately, cutting him a vicious glare as he held a large piece of fish against her glossed lips. Her attempts to dodge made Karin bite back her smile.
They were still painfully adorable.
Karin slid her gaze towards Toshiro, who was tapping his chopsticks sporadically against his own plate of tilapia and tuna roll, the muscles in his fingers and wrist looking entirely too tense. For moment, she watched, the tendons bouncing underneath his tan skin, equal parts worried and intrigued.
It took her a moment to realize she hadn't seen him with a cigarette all night.
"You're ridiculously tan," Karin blurted aloud, catching his attention. Her eyes traveled from his hand (which had immediately paused), along the length of his arm, and to then to his face.
A guarded, bemused expression greeted her. He raised a brow carefully. "You're ridiculously pale," Toshiro returned. Karin sighed, rolling his eyes as he dropped the chopsticks over the side of his plate. He picked up his own water to take a sip from.
"Oh, clever," Karin said dryly. "It's a year round thing."
"Is it?" Toshiro replied. "You must own too much sunscreen."
"Of course not. I take the sunburn like a grown woman."
He chuckled, setting down his water. Karin breathed, seeing him relax a bit more. She was entirely too tense herself. The conversation between the four of them had drifted into a bit of a beat-your-fist-against-your-chest ego match between Hitsugaya and Ichigo, however subtle.
"How's the promotional work for Twelve Bones going for you?" Ichigo asked Toshiro innocently, referring to the movie he'd just starred in. A gleam of something appeared inside of his amber eyes. Karin did not like it one bit. "Matsumoto still has you doing the rounds?"
Are you trying to make him sound like a dog? Karin spat internally
Toshiro leaned back in the booth's seat to tilt his head up at him, however slightly. The motion made her want to drag him by the ear into a proper sitting position. "It's going. The box office expectations are look better than the other premiers for New Years," he answered in a blank tone.
God fucking damn it, Karin thought to herself, locking her jaw as she looked down at her glass of water. I don't even want brandy anymore. I want vodka. I want a lot of vodka.
At the moment, Ichigo was elbows deep into the production work of a film - Seven Steps Ahead, directed by Rukia's brother Kuchiki Byakuya. Hundreds of million of yen was put into it, with a notably A-list cast and more than a few wealthy producers. It was set to release on New Years Eve.
Direct hit.
Ichigo gave a strained smile.
"You've got statistics now," he said in a dramatic voice, leaning forward and rolling his eyes. Rukia gave him a sharp eyed glare, but his gaze was trained solely on Hitsugaya. "Someone's been busy."
"I'm always busy."
"Maybe when you're being an actual adult."
"Coming from the man that has the disposition of a three year old."
"Stop it," Karin hissed, breaking the two from the mini spat. She didn't look up, focusing on gripping her glass of water in a non-hostile manner. "One more passive aggressive comment, and I'm taking a taxi home."
And if that didn't quiet them easily enough, then Rukia's hand against the back of Ichigo's head did.
The atmosphere was tense, but at least it was peaceful. Somewhat.
What else could she have hoped for?
"I tan easily," Toshiro said with a shrug, beginning to tap a the nail of his index finger against his glass of water. Karin sighed internally at the motion. "The last project I worked on was located in a beach town. I was in the sun for most of the day."
"Should have stayed for the winter," Karin said pointedly, scratching her chin. "It's freezing here."
"Spending winter abroad would be too good to be true. There's still a lot of promotional work to be done," he answered her.
They continued on speaking like that; muted voices trailing from different topics in an uncharacteristically cautious manner (at least for them), as Karin watched him twitch and fidget in a painfully uncomfortable manner. It was difficult, attempting to distract him. She just wanted to shove him out of the booth with a lit cigarette between his teeth, shooing him away, but pointing out his vulnerability in any manner made her uncomfortable.
He shouldn't have to hold back for her, for Ichigo, for Rukia, for whomever. He shouldn't have to bother. It made her angry to a point of nausea.
Why couldn't he be anxious because of her? That would have been much more entertaining.
And enjoyable for her ego.
"Your dress is lovely, Karin," Rukia said aloud, bringing her and Toshiro out of their bubble of conversation. The Kuchiki (soon to be Kurosaki) had successfully dodged the yellow tail and was now laying her chopsticks along her plate to reach for her bowl of miso soup.
"Don't compliment me," Karin said plainly. "Yuzu picked it up for me. I was working on a presentation and had no time."
"They work you like a dog at that school," Ichigo muttered, a full on pout gracing his features.
"That's no one's fault but my own, Ichi-nii," Karin returned. "You know I took on an extra class for this semester to catch up in my credits. Be happy that I'm actually passing everything."
Toshiro snorted. "You're excelling," he stated, rolling his eyes.
"You're damn right," Karin shot back - as if she was afraid to brag. "I'm getting my grade point average tattooed across my forehead before classes start next semester to assert dominance."
The three of them broke out into muted snickers, and Karin took a large bite of her sushi, smirking a bit at the relaxed atmosphere. They went about in that motion for a while, grilling her about what she'd been up to for school, and Ichigo especially if their father was pleased with it.
"He gets even crazier when I talk about school, Ichi-nii, and he doesn't even ask how I'm doing," Karin said, smiling ruefully at the thought of her terribly energetic father. "'What did you learn today?' That's all he wants to know."
"He's proud," Ichigo said.
"He should be," Toshiro added, his tone challenging.
Ichigo glared.
Karin rolled her eyes, knocking Hitsugaya with the side of her heel twice before recrossing her ankles. He gave her a look out of her corner of her eye, but she didn't meet it, instead choosing to take a long sip of her water.
"Come to the bathroom with me, Karin," Rukia said suddenly, already shuffling out of the booth.
Karin sighed, putting down the cold glass - she could have been more subtle than that. Much more subtle. Or maybe not address it at all and let them find something new to talk about. "You're capable of going alone," she mumbled.
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
Hitsugaya was smirking as he shifted out from his seat to make room for her to leave, and she followed, moving him none too kindly out of her way with a bump of her hips against his side. She didn't turn around to see if he stumbled, dutifully following Rukia as they made their way towards the restaurant's bathrooms.
"Try not to kill each other," Karin muttered.
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A/N: I'm so sorry for how late this update is! It should have been here in December, but it's been sitting unedited because of the craziness of this new year. And I'm sorry I didn't reply to some of your reviews sooner! I'[m mad at myself for that. I had some amazing conversations with you guys.
Everyone's shared so much, and some were curious about what I've been dealing with in regards to my last Author's Note. I used to use writing to get away from it, and focus on the things that I write, but now I really want to share this with you.
I had a condition called chondrolysis, which is the sporadic thinning of a joint's cartilage. I've had this issue within my right hip for YEARS, since I was twelve (I'll be eighteen at the end of March). It caused so many problems. I walked with a severe limp for a while, the range of motion for my hip was nearly nonexistant, the pain got horrific at some moments, worsening over the years. I was severely limited in what I could do. I wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy, quite frankly. And I hate a lot of people. The entire time, I'd been developing osteoarthritis, by constantly moving about at school and attempting to keep up with my very active friends. My parents ignored me wanting to go to the doctor in favor of ignoring the problem, since the pain only involved me, thinking that I was over exaggerating my condition/p[ain.
The daily wear and tear against such weak cartilage damaged the hip beyond repair. As of now, my only option of being pain free and becoming active again is a hip replacement. I learned at the beginning of January.
I'm still not quite over it. Especially after researching about how long the replacement joint lasts and recovery time, I felt ruined. I'm not sure what to do now.
But writing this, reading your reviews, and just talking with you all is therapy. I feel stronger. So thank you all for creating this space for me. I feel safe. I hope you do to. Thank you for the wonderful support. I love you all.