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Derek's Point of View
It's hard to believe that it has been a week since we left LA. It's even harder to believe that I haven't left Seattle Grace since we got back. I've been on hand to help with consults when they were needed but I haven't seen the inside of an OR since I operated in LA. There's no way I could and the last thing I felt comfortable doing was leaving Meredith's side. She needed me whether she was sleeping or not. Besides, I want to be the first person she sees when she wakes up. I know that's selfish but I can't help it.
As much as we all hoped and prayed for her to wake up before today, I am glad she hasn't because I don't want her to feel that pain. I don't want her to have to fight for each and every breath. It scares me that they still have to keep her on the ventilator but I know it is in her best interest for now. It was a risk to bring her back to Seattle, especially since she wasn't considered stable and looking back, I know I should have waited but at the time, I couldn't and I wouldn't have anyone give me 'the speech' on waiting. It's one, as a surgeon, I have given so many times and one which I will probably still continue to give. However, I'll be aware of exactly how the other person Is feeling because when it comes to someone you love, patience isn't something you have a lot of when you feel time is running out.
Everyone has been great since the moment we arrived back. Izzie, Alex, Cristina and George visit every morning before rounds, they have their lunch with us and they stop by before they go home. There have been a couple of nights where Cristina has stayed on to talk about a cool surgery she performed that day. Richard and Adele have dropped by every morning as well. Richard has been popping in, in the afternoon with coffee for him and I. He'll stay for about half an hour before he gets back to running the hospital. My sisters have been perfect at flying back and forth between States and are constantly on the phone to Mom, Amelia or Mark for updates. Mark drops in every spare moment he has. Amelia and Mom take it in shifts to be here too. They're staying at mine, keeping everything in order for when I eventually brave the journey home. And as for everyone else, they pop in now and again, making sure I don't need anything and that Meredith is stable and doing as okay as can be given the circumstances.
There hasn't been one person who hasn't told me to go home and get some rest but with everyone popping in and out of Meredith's room, I have to stay so I can have some private time with her. It's not that I don't appreciate what everyone is doing and I completely understand them all wanting to spend time with her but my moments alone with her are my favourite. I like to think that she can hear me; that is why I talk to her about anything and everything. I tell her what has happened over the past year. I tell her about the guilt I feel for not talking to Mom for two months but how we have managed to sort that out. I made a confession and told her what I did to Rachel that night in the restaurant and how she wouldn't have to worry about her being in our lives anymore. I talk to her about stupid stuff too. Like how Mark's jokes are beginning to really annoy me more than usual or how I wish the nurses would stop gossiping about the fact I talk to her. They seem to forget that I can hear them when I sneak out of Meredith's bed in the I.C.U to go to the bathroom. I also tell her about her mom. I wish I could tell Ellis that she is okay but according to Mom, she hasn't had one lucid moment since we came back from LA. The nurses have been really good though and they have promised to call if she does so that mom or I can head over there to tell her the good news. It would be fantastic if she became lucid after Meredith's surgery so that we could tell her that she is awake and well on the way to making a full recovery.
Today, Teddy is going to operate. And the nerves I felt a week ago are back in full force. The idea of Teddy having to cut Meredith open again makes me sick and angry. How could she have been so stupid, as to walk out of this hospital over a year ago when Teddy had only operated on her chest hours prior to her leaving? She put herself at risk by doing that. However, the rational part of me knows, at that point, she didn't care what happened to her. She was hurt. She was heartbroken and she clearly had no real clue as to what she was doing….or did she?
Mark keeps telling me that I need to stop torturing myself. I'll find out the answers when Meredith wakes up and when she is ready to tell me. He emphasizes that point repeatedly. I'll have to make sure not to push her and allow her to come to me. When did Mark become such a whizz at Psychology?
"Meredith," I sigh, squeezing her limp hand. Every time I do that though, I instantly become aware just how skinny she is. I mean she was always skinny but she has lost too much weight and the dieticians have labelled her malnourished simply because she hasn't had regular nutrition. It hits me every time I walk into this room. It hits me every time I take her hand in mine because I'm terrified to even squeeze it slightly in case I break any bones. Addison broke two of her ribs when performing CPR last week. Her weight makes surgery an even bigger risk because if she ends up with an infection, she has no more weight to lose and no energy to fight it off.
"Teddy and one of her Cardio fellows are going to come in here in a few minutes to take you to the OR," I begin to say, doing my best to control my emotions and remain as calm as possible. "Mom, Mark and Amelia are waiting for me in the relative's room. They're going to sit with me while we wait for news on how everything is going. Cristina has decided to teach the interns in the skills lab today…I know," I sigh. "It's weird, right? The idea of her taking time to teach interns instead of hiding out in the OR," I chuckle, as I lean forward to kiss her, white, cold cheek. "Don't you dare leave me again," I whisper in warning. "Meredith…you…I….you and I need to have time together. This can't be it. What we had can't be it. I'm not saying that I didn't love having you as my best friend. I'm not saying that I'm not grateful for what we had but it isn't enough Meredith. We need more. We deserve more," I whisper pleadingly. "You-can't-leave-me."
"Do you hear me?" I whisper in her ear.
"Derek…" I hear from the doorway. I turn my stiff, sore neck to see Teddy and Owen standing in the doorway.
"The OR is prepped and ready," Teddy smiles. "I've got an intern coming into the OR with us so they can come out and give you an update every hour," she assures me.
"You okay Derek?" Owen asks quietly, grabbing Meredith's chart from the slot beside the door.
"Yeah," I sigh. "How's Cristina doing?"
"Oh, you know," he shrugs, non-committedly. "She's being Cristina."
"She's basically doing what Meredith does in a crisis and is pretending everything is okay and that she is fine?" I ask with a small smile.
"Yeah," he laughs, handing the chart to Teddy.
"Would you like another moment alone with her Derek, before we take her in?" Teddy asks softly, looking at me with a look mixed with sorrow, pity and friendliness. Kind of like the look everyone has given me since we got back from LA.
"No, no," I shake my head. "I've said all I need to say," I admit, looking directly at Meredith while I sense Owen and Teddy watching me closely.
"I will do my very best work in there Derek," Teddy assures me, stepping forward to place her hand on my shoulder and giving it a friendly squeeze. Glancing up from my seat, I can see that she is being genuine and she's not being a typical cocky surgeon about it. "I promise."
"Thank you," I sigh, feeling the dread sink in once again right in the pit of my stomach, slowly overtaking my entire body. They have to take her from me. She has to go and I have to wait. Once again I have to wait. "Okay, you can take her," I whisper, staring at her underweight figure instead of the two surgeons in the room.
"Are you sure?" Owen asks me, pulling up the bar, on the bed, on his side, in order for him to steer it.
"I'm sure," I whisper, holding back my tears. "I can't say goodbye again so please, just go," I plead.
"Okay," Owen whispers, as Teddy steps in front of my chair to pull up the bar on this side and help Owen guide her out of the room.
"I promise someone will be out every hour Derek," she assures me. "You have my word."
And with that, they were gone, wheeling the woman I love down the hallway towards the elevator to take her to the OR.
"I love you Meredith Grey," I whisper into the empty room. I only hope I get the chance to tell her in person.
Cristina's Point of View
Interns.
Stupid bloody interns.
I would love nothing more than to be in the OR right now but instinct is telling me to be available just in case I am needed to help with Meredith. Frankly, I should be the one operating on her, not Teddy but thanks to the stupid rules about operating on friends and family, I'm not allowed too.
Stupid logic.
Stupid rules.
I would love to know who made the rules because they are stupid and if Meredith were awake then she would agree with me too. I know she would want me operating on her. Of course she would. Who wouldn't want the best?
"Dr Yang?" I hear a voice question me, causing me to turn from the charts I had been filling at the nurses desk, to face a rather nervous looking Thatcher Grey with a woman on either side of him.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I snarl.
Okay, I'm a bitch but who cares? Meredith certainly doesn't care and I know one thing for sure – he can't be here when she wakes up.
"Cristina…" the old man stutters, looking sad. Oh no, he can't seriously think that I'm going to fall for that? Can he?
"Look," I start firmly, glancing between the three of them. "Today is an incredibly difficult day for my family so I think it would be best if you all went home."
"And come back tomorrow?" the young woman asks hopefully. She is way too perky for my liking.
"No," I snap. "You don't come back. You leave Meredith and this family alone."
"We just want to help," The older woman pleads and I can only assume that she is the mug who's married to the idiot.
"Help?" I question. "You seriously want to help? Then leave," I insist. "You're no good here. Meredith needs her family around her. She needs the people who love her, around her."
"That's not fair!" The younger woman cries, looking stricken with what I've just said. Ironically, I see the pain in her eyes that I once saw in Meredith's when she came back from the one and only visit she made to her father in twenty years.
"Fair?" I question, clenching my fists in anger. I can't hit her but I want to. "None of this is fair!" I seethe, not caring that everyone was turning to watch what was going on. "Meredith is lying on an OR table fighting for her life right now! You three never bothered to help when she went missing over a year ago and now you show up as if you actually care!"
"We do care," The older woman cries, grasping at her husband who seems too busy focusing on everyone around him instead of on what is happening with Meredith. "Oh, Cristina, I can't imagine how hard this is on…"
"Don't do that," I warn, pointing at her. "Don't patronise me."
"Cristina, we just want to know if she's okay," The younger woman pleads. "I want a chance to know my sister!" she shouts. "I know what my father did was terrible," she starts, taking a step forward, away from her father's side so she is merely a breath away from me. "I know that today must feel impossible for you and for Dr Shepherd but all we want to know is that she is okay and to see if there is anything we can do," she whispers.
"She will be fine," A voice whispers from behind me and I turn to see Derek staring Thatcher down. "And if you really want to help," he breathes, "then get him out of here because he doesn't belong here and he doesn't deserve to be here after the amount of tears he has caused Meredith to shred."
"Thatcher, maybe we should…" The older woman starts.
"Mom," the young woman whispers. "Why don't you take dad home?" she suggests, turning to face her mother who looks rather hurt, under the circumstances. I'm aware there is a lot of whispering and commotion going on around us but I can't care about that when they have the nerve to show up here as if they deserve to be here.
"Are you okay?" Derek whispers in my ear.
"Not really," I mutter, not bothering to take my eyes off the family exchange going on in front of us. "You?" I question.
"Not really," he sighs, and I can tell he's feeling the same weight on his shoulders that I feel on mine.
"When was the last time that Johnson was out with an update?" I ask, feeling my stomach fill with that stupid flip flop feeling that it had been doing all day, whenever I pictured Meredith lying helpless on the OR table.
"About thirty minutes ago," he breathes. "She's stable and all seems to be going well just now."
"Good," I murmur. "Good." If it was anyone else in the OR, I would be asking specifics. In fact, I would be demanding them but right now, I can't because it is too hard. What you don't know can't hurt you? Right?
"It shouldn't be too much longer now," he whispers and I can't tell whether he is trying to assure me or himself.
"No, it shouldn't," I whisper but that bad feeling I have doesn't seem to want to shift from my side. It's as if it's glued to me and no matter how many times I try to shake it off, It won't budge.
"It's okay mom," the younger woman assures. "I'm going to stay here. I'll keep you both posted."
"Hold on," I interrupt. "You are…"
"Shut up," she mutters under her breath. "You two go and I promise I'll call as soon as there is any news," she whispers, before giving her mother and father a kiss on the cheek and then we all stand still in shock as the older woman leads Thatcher around the corner towards the door to the stairs.
"You…"
"I'm staying," she breathes fiercely, turning to stare me down. Oh no, I'm not having that. "You may be able to insist that they leave but I'm not. I won't be bullied into leaving. I have never met Meredith. I only found out about her existence last year when she went missing and I'm telling you right now, no matter how hard you try, I am not going anywhere because I want to know she's okay! I want to know that there is still a chance for the two of us," she insists.
"You…" I start again.
"Cristina," Derek breathes, placing his hand on my shoulder. "She can stay," he whispers.
"What?" I ask with shock, turning to face him.
"Let her stay," he whispers, giving me a pointed look. This is one of those moments that I'm supposed to understand but can't. Meredith's normally here to decipher them for me. Damn her! She has to be on the bloody OR table when I need her here to help me.
"You can't be serious?" I ask him as he walks around the nurse's station towards an unsure looking Grey sister.
"Derek Shepherd," he whispers, holding out his hand as some kind of peace offering.
"Lexie Grey," she smiles, shaking his hand.
"I think I'm going to vomit," I mutter, before turning back to my charts at the station. I sense Derek giving me a disapproving look but I couldn't care less. Where does he get off, allowing a Grey sister to stay? That'll be another thing that Meredith will end up pissed off at him for. He always has to interfere. He can't help himself. It's like an illness.
"Are you and Meredith close?" Lexie asks in pathetic, sweet, innocent voice.
"You could say that," I hear Derek answer. I can't take this.
Before I even turn, I end up catching a glance of Carolyn Shepherd standing outside the conference room across from the nurse's station, with tears rolling down her cheeks as she looks between me and Derek.
"Carolyn?" I question, feeling my eyes burning.
I sense Derek turning to glance in the direction I am looking. "Mom?" I hear him question. I can feel his nerves as well as hear them in his voice.
"She's in recovery," Carolyn breathes, coming towards us. "She made it! She did it!"
"Oh Meredith," I cry and finally feel that sense of dread unglue itself from my side.
Meredith Grey, I hope you know I'll be kicking your ass for this when you wake up.