WOW, life has been busy, and then I hit a major writer's block, and life got busy again, and yeah, enough about my sad-sap-story. I'm back, and I have a new chapter for you, I hope you will enjoy it!
And if you didn't see it, I have written a reaction fic to the episode New New York, called New New Beginnings.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything you might recognize.
Kurt hates to admit it, but he is a curious creature.
Ever after the prefect-initiated meeting with Dave and Sebastian, Kurt has been unable to stop thinking about the two boys as a couple. He wonders how they work, what kind of relationship they have, how they affect each other. It's obvious that Dave has changed, and Kurt wants to know to which extent. And he wants to know how he managed to come so far.
Because seeing Dave with Sebastian, even for just half an hour, has sown a tiny grain of hope in Kurt. When someone like Dave can change that much, shouldn't it also be possible for Kurt to get rid of the demons still holding him back?
He spoke the truth – he doesn't imagine sitting down with Dave in rocking chairs with hot chocolate, knitting equipment and a nice chat about coming to terms with your conflicting feelings and unexpected sexuality. But if he could just see the boyfriends interact more, maybe it would give him some answers, give him some ideas. Just observing them, like a well-dressed spy from afar.
That's how he decides to join the Christmas Formal. He has to be there for half an hour, singing with the Warblers, so the night is ruined anyway. He might just as well spend the rest of the evening there.
He hasn't had a reason to use a suit – or any other nice clothes – in ages, and he knows he's had a minor growth spurt during this year. So it's pointless to pick up anything from Lima. He doesn't have the money to just buy a new outfit either, and most certainly not something he probably won't wear again. But Jeff has mentioned more than once how Nick's mom loves fashion, and drowns his son in more clothes than he can wear. Kurt doesn't feel entirely comfortable asking Nick this favour, but desperate times call for desperate measures. At least that's what he tells himself, while inhaling deeply before raising his fist to knock.
"Hi Kurt!" Jeff beams, and Kurt has to double check that he knocked on the right door. His confusion is easily dissolved, though, when Nick shows up, embracing his boyfriend from behind.
"Hey Kurt," Nick smiles, "come in."
"Thank you," Kurt exhales. He doesn't understand why this should be so difficult, but it is. Asking someone for help doesn't come easily to him.
The boys encourage him to sit down, and he picks an office chair over the messy bed. He blushes, wondering if he interrupted something, and Wes' words about tying a tie to the doorknob rings in his head.
"Wazzup?" Nick grins, nodding at him.
"I want to attend the Christmas Formal," Kurt states, and with some encouraging prodding, he explains his fashion emergency.
"Oh my God," Nick squeals, jumping up. "I think Mom would love to adopt you. She'll be so happy to know some of the clothes can come to use. Here, let's see what I have, I swear she ignores the fact that Dalton has its own uniform," Nick rambles, and hurries over to his wardrobe. "There is a limit to how many date outfits I need with Jeff," he rolls his eyes with a smile.
"Clothes are so overrated," Jeff giggles, and Nick winks saucily at him. Kurt clears his throat pointedly.
"Right," Nick laughs, "what size are you? And which colour palette did you envision?"
Blaine wipes his face with the towel, already longing for a hot shower back in his room after working out with the punching bag. Unable to see where he's going, he bumps into someone, and apologizes frantically while squatting to pick up the garment bag the other person dropped. When he looks up, he can't help the ridiculous grin that instantly blooms across his face.
"Hi…" he murmurs softly.
"Hey there," Kurt murmurs back, smiling crookedly, and twisting one foot coyly on the smooth marble floor.
"Fancy seeing you here," Blaine flirts back.
"Hmm, yes," Kurt smirks, "I come here for all the cute boys," he looks at Blaine through his eyelashes. Blaine can't help himself, and leans in to kiss his boyfriend, but is careful to not touch him with his sweaty clothes and body. Kurt doesn't have the same concerns, though, and pulls him flush against his body to deepen the kiss.
"Are you okay?" Kurt asks as he leans back, resting a hand on Blaine's hip.
"Yeah, why?"
"You've been working out," Kurt shrugs. "I know it's your stress reliever," he states, and rubs a thumb under Blaine's moist t-shirt. Blaine leans into the touch.
"I'm fine," Blaine smiles, feeling giddy from Kurt's concern. "I just needed to move after sitting too much with the books."
"I know the feeling," Kurt sighs. "I went to the park earlier to clear my head."
"Did you see Inferno?" Blaine teases, knowing his boyfriend will never admit how much he likes that dog.
"He happened to be there, yes," Kurt says haughtily, and curls his fingers around the hem of Blaine's t-shirt to pull him closer.
"So what's in the garment bag?" Blaine finally asks, unable to reign in on his curiosity any longer.
Kurt seems to be steeling himself, straightening his shoulders before answering.
"It's a suit I'm borrowing from Nick. It needs minor adjustments, and I haven't found a tie yet, but it's my outfit for the Christmas Formal."
"You're… You're going to the Formal?" Blaine says shakily, surprised and a little disappointed, although he can't quite explain why.
"Yes," Kurt says, nodding with determination.
"Without me?" Blaine hears himself asking, and the jealous devil is roaring in his chest.
"I didn't expect you'd want to go. Not after…" he trails off awkwardly.
Blaine blinks, and licks his lips. No, Kurt is right, Blaine wouldn't want to attend anything resembling a school dance, not after… But what kind of boyfriend, what kind of man, would he be, if he let Kurt go alone, on his own, without someone to look out for him? Blaine doesn't trust Dave Karofsky completely, and the thought of something happening… Blaine's already let down so many people in his life. He cannot do this to Kurt too.
"I have to be there for a while with the Warblers anyway. Might as well enjoy dressing up for a night and see what the fuss is all about," Blaine shrugs coolly, pretending his heart isn't beating faster than it did during his workout.
Kurt looks at him for what feels like the longest time.
"I guess you're right," he finally says. "But… Umm, we can't go together, I'm not… We…" Kurt gestures helplessly between them, unable to find the words, but that's okay, Blaine understands. Kurt isn't out to the entire school, and their relationship is known to an even smaller part of the student mass. Of course they won't go to the Christmas Formal together, as dates. Blaine is annoyed by how truly relieved that makes him feel.
Kurt quickly looks around them in the deserted corridor, and leans in to kiss him briefly.
"Love you," he murmurs, lips brushing against Blaine's. "Sweet dreams," he smiles, and disappears before Blaine can reply.
It should be weird that an all boys-school hosts a dance, and especially something as opulent and stylish as this Christmas Formal. But Jeff had explained to Kurt how their sister school was also invited, and most of the boys found their dates there. And then that all girls-school hosts the Spring Formal in return.
Kurt smiles to himself, leaning nonchalantly against the wall while nursing a glass of fruity punch – and it doesn't seem to be spiked, there are no Puck's at Dalton. Kurt's enjoyed watching Nick and Jeff goofing around on the dance floor, dancing an exaggerated tango and simply not give a damn about who watches and who judges. And to Kurt's surprise, he hasn't been able to see any hostile reactions. Sure, some of the boys have rolled their eyes at the couple's antics. But that's usual. And some of the girls giggled at their camp manners. But that's expected, when they play out a show and encourage being seen as entertainment. The teachers attending as chaperones haven't said anything to them, but tapped the shoulder of a girl using her date more as a strip pole than a gentleman dance partner.
"I found strawberry cheesecake, and thought of you," Blaine greets him, offering a plate with a generous slice. Kurt doesn't even pretend to consider if he should, because it's cheesecake. Of course he should. So he places his punch on the floor, hoping nobody will knock it over and stain his shoes.
Blaine stands with a respectable distance to him, and digs his own spoon into a slice of sinfully dark chocolate cake.
There's a timid voice deep inside Kurt who shouts how he wants to ask Blaine how the cake tastes, and encourage him to feed him a spoonful, before giving him a bite of his own cake while looking suggestively at him, leaning in to kiss cream away from the corner of his mouth, and then…
Kurt sighs sadly, but he just can't.
He can hear Blaine try to engage him in conversation, talking about some of the more well-dressed young men, and how good the band is, and how cool Sebastian's earlier solo with the Warblers was. Kurt tries to pay attention, but his focus is drawn to the dance floor, where Sebastian and Dave are seemingly easily dancing together. Sebastian whispers something in Dave's ear that makes the older boy blush, punch Sebastian's shoulder, laugh, and pull him closer.
The two boys arrived together, hand in hand. Dave had looked nervous, and Kurt could see how he was clutching Sebastian's hand like an anchor. He'd tried to circulate, but he kept hovering close to them, paying attention to their interaction. Sebastian had kept talking quietly to Dave, until he visibly deflated, and smiled sincerely. Then they'd taken the dance floor, and Kurt hadn't known Dave could dance like that. Maybe Sebastian was exceptionally good at leading, but it was obvious that Dave knew a thing or two. Kurt had smiled fondly, imagining the two boys practicing in secret.
"Blainey-boy, come dance with me!" Nick grins excited, sidestepping in front of them to the beat of the music.
Kurt comes back from his own head, and meets Blaine's eyes, searching him out for an opinion.
"Go," Kurt laughs sincerely. "Have fun, try not to have your toes broken," he adds, when Nick starts jumping and fist bumping the air.
Blaine smiles, and communicates so much with his eyes it makes Kurt choke. He'll probably never understand exactly how brave Blaine is for being here, but to Kurt he's the most courageous and amazing man. He's bold, he leaps to action, and refuses to let his past dictate him. Sure, he's out and open in school, but the way he's dancing so carefree and easily, and holy shit, who knew Blaine could dance like that? It shouldn't be a surprise, really, that he's been taking dance lessons, that little Lord Anderson was sent to dance school to be able to court the ladies later. But Kurt hasn't had the opportunity to see it before, while now he gets to enjoy the sight of Blaine leading Nick around in a quicker adaption of a waltz. It's obvious Nick hasn't entirely the same background, but he follows pretty well.
When the song comes to an end, Jeff sprints across the dance floor, playfully shoves his boyfriend away, and begs Blaine to dance with him. David is the next to ask for a dance, and Kurt is thoughtfully and absentmindedly sucking on the cake spoon, while he observes his more or less secret boyfriend dancing with boys and girls and boys again.
Kurt's eyes flitter from Blaine and any random dance partner, to Dave and Sebastian, to Nick and Jeff, to various couples made up of a boy and a girl. His pulse quickens. Nobody seems to care. This is just the way it is. Everybody already knew about Nick and Jeff. The way Sebastian and Dave are dancing, it shouldn't be any doubt that they are dating. They don't trade dance partners, and the way they look at each other... The way Dave unsuccessfully tries to dip Sebastian, and Sebastian pinches his lips between two fingers to end his rambling apology. The way Dave is resting a hand around Sebastian's neck. They look so comfortable. They look so at ease. Kurt is struggling to understand how Dave came so far, but can only acknowledge that the rascal Sebastian must have had some good influence on his former bully.
How weird the world has become.
Blaine is laughing, Kurt thinks he can almost hear the sound tickling his ears, and the girl he's dancing with is obviously hitting on him. When the song ends, he seems to be excusing himself, and is quickly caught by an enthusiastic Wes, who spins him around, and for once Blaine isn't leading man.
The entire night, Dave and Sebastian avoid Kurt, and for that he is grateful. He is doing okay, but he doesn't need to talk with them. He still needs to adjust after the mental what the fuck-whiplash thrown in his lap when he learned about their relationship. Maybe later. But for now, Kurt can manage co-existing in the same room without throwing cautious looks over his shoulder.
Oh, he's noticed Dave looking in his direction when he thinks Kurt isn't watching, just like Kurt has been trying to be stealthy in his observations of the couple. They have acknowledged each other, but not to the other, and Kurt is fine with that. Baby steps.
He'd talked with Christy about it, during their monthly therapy session the other day. Even if it was his decision to attend the Formal, it was still something he was nervous about. But she had helped him sort his thoughts and fears, and they had come up with a game plan. Being here is enough of a challenge, and nobody expects him to be the main attraction of the night. He's left his comfort zone just by being here, and for now that's good enough. He doesn't have to push himself so hard he ends up stumbling and falling on his face. If being in the room is challenging enough, he doesn't have to add his own expectations of dancing or talking with former enemies to the mix. Making progress doesn't mean he has to do it all at once, Christy had explained, and it made sense.
So Kurt tries to be satisfied with his contribution. He may be a wallflower, but he is here. He isn't hiding in his dorm, he didn't run as soon as the Warblers were done, he isn't avoiding people, and he isn't clinging to his friends for support. He's talked with boys he's seen in school but never really exchanged any words with. He's been flustered when a girl tried to hit on him, and had to explain to her that he was taken, even if he didn't specify gender or point out Blaine to her. He had just confirmed awkwardly when she asked if his date was out on the dance floor with someone else, and politely declined her generous offer of a harmless dance, no strings attached. Usually Kurt loves to dance, and it's something he misses from the old days with New Directions, but he doesn't want to draw more attention to himself than necessary. So he's sipping punch, nibbling the food decked out, chatting with acquaintances, his friends come by now and then to keep him company, and Blaine has been with him for the most of the evening in a very platonic manner.
"Boys and girls, it's time for the last song of the evening, so grab your date and get in the mood for a goodnight kiss, because we know nobody here is tacky enough to have rented a motel room," the lead singer of the band grins while he strums a nonsensical slow beat on his guitar.
Jeff smiles apologetically at Blaine, and leaves him on the dance floor in favour of Nick's waiting arms. Blaine smiles disarmingly, squeezing his shoulder, before looking lost around himself. Everyone around him is slow-dancing with someone, holding someone, and even if it's just for tonight there's so much care and love in the room.
Blaine's eyes land on Kurt, and his face lights up as he moves in his direction, leaving the dance floor. Kurt isn't the only one not dancing; other boys and girls without dates, or with not so successful dates, are either finishing the snack table, or getting ready to leave the premises.
There's an ache in Kurt's stomach worse than when he had appendicitis at 12, and it's difficult to breathe. Blaine is still crossing the dance floor, carefully navigating around the dancing couples.
Oh fuck it, Kurt thinks, just fuck it all and fuck all of them.
Without thinking, because thinking leads to evaluation and fear, he shoves his cutlery into the unsuspecting hands of the closest person, and walks briskly across the room, headed straight for Blaine.
"May I have this dance?" he rushes out before he can consider his actions.
It's such a cliché, how it feels as if the entire room has frozen in time while he waits for Blaine's answer, as if nothing and nobody around them are there and are aware.
"Yes!" Blaine beams, and the room comes into focus, the music plays on, and the couples around them continue to dance. "Yes, you may," he adds, and extends a hand to Kurt.
Without thinking, Kurt pulls him flush against his torso as if nobody is looking, but comes to himself, and looks at Blaine to see if it is okay.
"There you go all zig again," Blaine smiles in awe, and nestles his face in the crook of Kurt's neck. He tightens his arms around Blaine a little more, trying not to look at anyone in case they're looking at him.
"I love you so much," Blaine whispers. "I could buy the biggest thesaurus there is, and still it wouldn't contain the words I need to express how much I love you."
"Cheesy," Kurt retorts, "and I love you just as much. Plus one," he continues before Blaine can interject.
"I know," Blaine whispers, but it's still audible how choked he is. He lifts his head to meet Kurt's eyes. "This," he says, craning his head miniscule in a few directions to indicate the room and the people and the Formal, "cannot be anything but love. You are so…" Blaine shakes his head, a lone tear trickles along his jaw, and Kurt brushes it away. He then cups Blaine's face with both hands, leans in, and kisses him sweetly. He doesn't want anything around them to matter, just them.