See Author's Note (Chapter one)

But thinking isn't one of my strength if Jane is somehow attached to my body and afterwards I wouldn't dare to regret any of it. Scientifically considered I am sure I worked every calorie down that night. I was not even that sore after our first weekend together.

Mistakes are all belonging to me, I can't blame JTam on that, sorry ;)

Maura's POV

I got caught up with my past today. Jane and I went for a run in the park. It was warm, we were both still on call this Sunday and we needed to catch up with our workout for the marathon.

Just as we stopped to stretch and were talking delighted about what the spring brought out in nature and humans, our phones went off.

I wish I could be back in bed with Jane this morning and start the whole day over.

She is disappointed with me and I don't know if it is because I never talked about Garrett or the fact that she was showed off and realized that the worlds we grew up are so wildly diverged that it seems impossible to cross this distance.

I am not good with things like that. Anytime I opened my mouth to make it better I only made it worse. Yes, I grew up in a world of money and prestige, of parties and gala's, of obligations and arrangements. There are parts of my upbringing in this world I like and there are parts I would rather deny. I am not ashamed to be raised with more money than necessary, this way I could make it work to get the best qualifications. But… I would renounce everything for her.

It was wrong to keep my past with Garrett a secret. I know that, I really do. I understand her. I had no time to tell her the whole story on the way from the crime scene to the Fairfield's. I couldn't discuss our private life in the backseat of an unmarked car with Frost driving.

I wish I could undo this whole day.

I don't like 'what if's', but it's all I can think of. What if it was the other way around? What if Jane would tell me on a crime scene 'Hey, I was about to marry the brother of our victim.'

Okay I didn't say it that way, but I am sure it doesn't matter how I would have said it. The only thing that matter is what she said to me and her words seem to burn every cell of my brain.

"Wow Maura! Didn't you have time between work, meals and every days sex to tell me you were about to marry?"

After that sentence she was all 'Detective Rizzoli', more than ever before. She was hurt. She was sassy and protesting and arrogant and defiant. Macho behaviour and I can't even be angry about that.

There was no time to calm the waves until it got worse. I was a part of this family in the past, apart from all the problems I had with them and apart from my break up with Garrett and me cancelling our engagement I felt terrible for them, even if family means something really different for them than for Rizzoli members.

I know Jane and I should have known that it would trigger her behaviour even further. It feels like I am standing in a gigantic sand trap and there is no way out of it.

I touch the cold sheets beside me, anything smells like her. This day should have ended up so differently.

I woke up with the sun crawling out of her nights rest. I was, like every morning, in Jane's strong arms and her hot skin against my back screams 'home' in any possible languages.

It was late yesterday night and she was so fast asleep she didn't notice as I freed myself. After I silenced my screaming bladder she was laid on her back and I took the opportunity and crawled under the comforter between her legs.

I laid my left cheek on her right thigh. The tip of my nose scooting up and down the very thin strip of raven black hairs. She told me once she likes it and I like it too. Although the place where my nose was, wasn't maybe so innocent and what I was about to do even lesser, but this motion was. It is a display of affection, of closeness. There is nothing sexual about it and everything about love.

Midway through my very slow performance of a cunnilingus she woke and as she picked up the comforter to look at me with lifted eyebrows. I met her eyes and grinned a 'mission accomplished' into her face.

I never finished was I had started. Not for the lack of desire to do so but she pulled me up to her and we kissed for half an hour. We had planned to extent our run today, only slightly more than eight weeks left until Boston Marathon. We had planned a lot of things for today and for a lot of other days.

Probably never going to happen.

I insulted her. 'I'm sorry I couldn't stand there and just let you badger his family.' Badger! Badger? I always adored the way she works. I don't know where this came from.

The last words I said to her before she left were even much worse. 'As a medical examiner, it is my job to determine the cause and the manner of death, so I'll tell you whether there's a case here or not.'

I should eat crow. I should drive over to her apartment and beg on my knees for her to forgive me. It is not my pride stopping me. I have no pride when it comes to Jane, it is fear. Fear I screwed it up. I am afraid she will break up with me if I give her the chance to do so.

She even took Jo home with her before I came back from work. This could end really badly. I can't stop my tears from falling. I don't even have anyone to talk about my misery. No one knows about me and Jane, about the shift of things between us.

I called them my friends into her face. Friends! I don't have any friends beside Jane. There is no one coming over to tell me everything will be fine, to tell me to fight for my love. No one will hold my hands and wipe my tears.

I got myself up, walking over to the guestroom upstairs. I can't stand the memories the bedroom holds right now, even the guestroom downstairs smells like her. I never changed the bedclothes after our last sleepover as 'only' friends in there.

I got no sleep all night long. I watched the red digits change, minute by minute.

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The first time I could lose my thoughts for some seconds was when Korsak came down into the morgue. He is like a father to Jane and he loves her to no end. He may be sometimes as worldly innocent as Jane is but he has a really good heart.

And he has a good insight into human nature too. He caught me trying to fool him. I don't know if he senses something between me and Jane, more than friendship. I am not the expert for human interactivities. He called me out on our behaviour and after he explained me that it was much simpler than I thought it was, I am feeling even guiltier.

I let her down. The one which should never doubt her, let her down. Korsak came down an hour later and told me how the Fairfield's lawyer had threatened Jane. I had the faint feeling this wasn't going to work for me.

Well, here we go Dr. Isles. Jane came down bringing me a bar of chocolate with gold flakes in it and all I have to ask is if she's making fun of me.

I don't know if she was there to really talk to me about our situation but I blew it up before there was any chance.

Again she leaves with words full of pain. "I… I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm not even sure whose side you're on."

This is obviously my clue. It didn't really matter I was once engaged and it didn't also matter any longer that I didn't told her. Maybe she was hurt about this but then it was all about loyalty.

I have to take my courage in both hands and drove over to see Garrett. There will be a lot of things to explain to Jane, later. If she will listen to me but this was my only chance to show her that I really have her back and I got the name of Adam's mistress.

Next time we met was on Adam's boat and I had to watch with my own eyes what she hates so much about privileged people and how easy it was for people of my upbringing to bend the law.

But Jane wouldn't be Jane if she would let someone impress her with money or status.

How much must it had cost her to strike her colours and admit she was obviously wrong, even more to voice it in front of all of us. But alone the first sight proved me to be the one who was wrong and after a short reconstruction in my head I called it a murder.

Back in the lap she was distant but my beloved Jane was already scratching underneath her shield, it was the way she talked to me and I was suddenly sure we would survive this. And as she asked me to get a drink with her I was eased enough to make fun about her gold flakes.

"So? You want to tell me what happened with Garrett?" she asks and tried to sound casually.

"Yes, but not here," I grab into my purse and pull out the envelope which was delivered to my office this morning. "I have a present for you."

She snorted. "Apology or bribe," she used both words that I named her chocolate.

"I wasn't gonna go, but you want access to my deluxe friends and I want you to be my guest."

She snorted again. "Won't I embarrass you?" Her question was more playful than serious and so was my answer.

"Probably. But haven't I embarrassed you before?"

She shakes her head. "No." Then she smiled. "More than half a dozen times," she added before she read the next part on the invitation.

"Cocktail dress required. Can't I just go like this?" She asked seriously even if she knows my answer.

We are back. And I hope without any serious damage. "If you're going to embarrass me, at least do it in the proper clothes. Come on."

I watched her disrobe, we set for a blue dress. I would have rather seen her in a red one but considering the occasion blue was more appropriate. Before she could lift up the dress to try it I took all steps that were needed to press me up to her. I slid my hands around her, resting on her abs, kissing the space between her shoulder blades.

"I am sorry."

"It's okay Maura."

"No it isn't."

"Can we do this later?"

"Talking?" I asked her, licking over the same space I kissed before and earn a half playful 'Rizzoli-death-glare' in the mirror.

"Okay, okay." I took a step back. "I missed you last night."

"Yes that is very obvious" she answered turning around.

"It shouldn't sound that way, I …," She kissed me before I could finish my sentence.

"I missed you too. Let's get ready I have an appointment with my new fancy friends," she laughed.

I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She is such a natural beauty and in a dress every curve of her is more conscious to me than ever. I can't help my self to think of all the times I draw along any of it with my tongue or fingertips.

Yes, Jane Rizzoli wouldn't be who she is if she did for once anything you told her.

I explained her how to use her fish knife and she just speared it into her Branzino. Oh dear. I was in shock for a second but after that I felt the urge just to laugh heartily. I didn't.

As we were about to leave we caught Sumner and Adam's wife kissing in the hallway and after another half an hour watching Jane and Colburn colliding heads we arrived at Jane's apartment.

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With a glass of wine for me and a beer for Jane we end up onto the sofa. I am sitting upright, my legs curled up beside me, her head onto my lap. I play left handed with her locks.

"I am sorry I didn't tell you."

Her eyes are searching mine. "You… I… I can't expect you to tell me about your past, maybe there is a lot I don't even want to know. But I thought, that if you where once about to marry someone, was something you would have told me."

"Yes I know. I know I should have told you and I really don't know why I didn't… Maybe I know… I thought about it once, to tell you I mean… but I was afraid of all the things that happened today."

I put my glass on the side table. "I was afraid to admit I once thought I loved someone. I was afraid you would cast doubts into my ability to read my feelings."

"Why should I do something like this? Do you think I was never in love or thought so? Was it serious between you two?"

"I thought so. I was twenty, everything felt serious. We could talk for hours and he was like me. Not much awkward as me, but insecure. He grew up with nannies and was neglected just like me. He and his father fought a lot."

Taking a deep breath.

"He was the first one who ever noticed me aside the visually or negative aspects. I lost my virginity to him. He was, retrospective, very tender but it wasn't what I had expected. I had read a lot about it and eavesdropped some conversation from other girls. It hurts a lot and it took me four month to do it again. He was patient, he never pushed me."

I took another sip of my wine.

"The second time was less painful but I wasn't with him, too afraid it would be like the first time. The third time was much more relaxed. One evening he proposed to me and I accepted, I don't know why after all. He had given himself a lot of liquid courage, it was the fourth time we had sex and I cried the whole time underneath him."

Another deep breath.

"He didn't harm me physically but emotionally. He wasn't as tender as before, he tried but his consumed mount of alcohol was blurring his vision and his senses. I tried to slow him down, he started to whisper. First they were nice words. How beautiful I was and how much he loved me, but as he started to claim me, to tell me I was his and I never had to do anything but being his wife and mother of his children it thunderstruck me.

I didn't want to be 'Misses Garrett Fairfield'. I was my whole life Constance and Richard Isles little daughter. I wanted to be someone on my own. I wanted to be someone other people remembering my name for me, not because I am from a wealthy family nor married into one.

The next morning I gave his ring back and broke off with him. He apologised hundreds of times and I wasn't really angry with him. I was more relieved than hurt. I liked him, maybe I even loved him but I didn't love him enough to spend my life that way."

Jane caresses my cheek and I smile to her. The whole story was in the past for me and nothing more than a story anymore.

"It took me whole four years to have sex again. The memory of our last night frightened me a long time. I never want to feel that helpless again. He didn't want to hurt me he just didn't sense it anymore."

Jane tries to say something but I motion for her that I am not done.

"Let me do this Jane, please. There is another man I should mention. Dr. Ian Faulkner. I met him when I worked in Africa. I know all of this must sound silly to you, but I thought for a long time he was the love of my life. He was a hero for me. He spends his whole life in humility for all those people. He wasn't working in the same place I was working, but we met often while organizing transports of relief supplies or other required things. We talked a lot and one night we ended up having sex.

I was blinded by him for a long time and we ended up having sex often. After I returned back from Africa he showed up two times on my doorstep. Well… let me say it like it was, he fucked me, took the supplies I bought for him and was back in Africa before I even knew what had happened. And if it wasn't for meeting you two weeks after his last 'visit' I would have let him do it next time again. Because I thought I could call myself happy to get some of his limited time."

I took another sip of my wine. "So, that's the sad fairytale of the love life of Dr. Maura Isles."

"I don't…"

"Don't. I let anything of this behind me."

I wake up to Jo Friday barking. Maybe she's moping for being shut out of the bedroom. I am laying face down on Jane's back. We have twenty minutes until the alarm goes off. I close my eyes again being much too grateful to feel Jane underneath me.

As much thrilling as last night was, I would rather be ten years without sex, than one night without Jane by my side ever again.

I am about to doze off again as I hear a sound that should alarm me and I am just able to check mentally that my bottom is covered before the bedroom door opens and Jane's mother shows up in the threshold.

This was not supposed to happen!

I met her eyes and I can see the gears shifting. Jane. Maura. Naked. Bed. She just closes the door. There wasn't even time for me to panic.

"Baby. Get up, fast. Your mother."

"Nuuh, alarm… five minutes." Jane mumbles sleepily.

"No baby, your mother is here."

"What? Where?" She is suddenly fully awake.

"I am so sorry, she was in here. There was no time to stop what happened. I was half asleep myself and…"

"Stop Maura, don't freak out on me. I get that," she said while bouncing out of the bed. She put a pair of shorts and a shirt on and leans down to kiss me. "Get ready for work." She storms off towards her bedroom door.

I flinch as door and the frame meet hard. "Did anyone die? Is my house burning down? Are aliens destroying the world? No? Because there must be a very good reason for you to be here, Ma" I hear Jane hollering. "Using your keys-for-emergencies-only"

I can't hear what Angela answers but Jane isn't getting any quieter. "Well, that's what people do when they have sex."

"No we weren't drunk and this is none of your business and I wouldn't have to explain anything if you would for once in my damn life respect me and KNOCK."

However awkward this is, I have to go out there and face this whole situation. I put on some of Jane's clothes and move over to the other room.

Angela is standing in the kitchen, breakfast is ready and she smiles at me.

"Are you done shouting?" she asks Jane in a calm tone. "I want to apologise for walking in on you two. I made breakfast, have a nice day hope you are joining us on Sunday dinner as usual."

Angela walks over towards the door and takes her jacket. Jane and I look at each other in totally disbelieve.

"Wait…," Jane whispers, than a tick louder. "Is that all you have to say?"

Her mother turns around, watching us both. "Look Jane, you are both grown up women, what you did or do in there," she motions towards the bedroom. "Or anywhere else, isn't my business. All I want is no one of the both of you getting hurt and… if… if this between you two is just… casual, I hope it won't be affecting your friendship."

She baffles us both even more and turns around once more.

"Wait, Ma. You want some coffee?" She waved off. "No I already disturbed your privacy."

"No Angela. Please sit with us we need to get this out already."

She put her jacket back onto the hook and walks over. "So this isn't casual… is that what you are telling me?"

"No," we both answer at the same time.

She raises both of her hands in defence. "No offence girls, but in these days the world has changed a lot." She takes Jane's fingers into her hands, avoiding touching her palms. "Relax baby. Love has no gender. I am not that old and stupid, I thought you knew that. If you just had told me I wouldn't have set you up with guys. I am sorry, really."

Jane laughs. "Shut off, Ma. You shouldn't have set me up with anyone in the first place. I know that sounds silly but I am not gay. Although it doesn't matter whether gay or not. I love Maura and that just is it."

After breakfast Jane and I have to get ready and Angela is about to leave. "Wait Ma, why are you here, actually?"

"I just want to look if everything was fine here. You weren't here the last two times I was over so I brought my keys today. Have a nice day girls."

Jane looked at me as the door closed. "Well…"

"Yes, well…," is all I can answer.

It is really hard when realization hits you. I nearly married a man who murdered his own brother for money and I nearly let it destroy the best thing in my life and on top of that all I didn't fulfil my job very well.

I walk side by side with Jane up towards the pool. Same pace, same steps. Symbolising an unison. Garrett tried to use me for covering up his crime, used all the power of his name to inhibit Jane doing her job.

Jane is proud. Not for the fact that Garrett is a murder and she discovered it. She is proud for standing tall and tough against anything. Even against me. Garrett tries to pull the 'you know me' card on me and I can't suppress a bitterly laugh.

The only one I really know is Jane and I shouldn't have betrayed her loyalty.

She makes me try beer and what can I say… I wouldn't trade it for a good wine but there will be ways to enjoy one or two or more in the future, hopefully.

I take both of her hands in mine over the table. Our gaze locked. I know she sometimes thinks that she isn't worth to be with me because we grew up so differently.

"I don't really want to talk too much about the whole thing again but there is one thing you should never forget about me. All I ever need is you to love me."

So, next chapter is a huge leap in time, but you are not gonna miss something, trust me ;)

Thank you very much for your time, review would be awesome.

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