That broke Amelia's heart. She was completely out of line and she knew it. That was always the same; every time she feels cornered by someone, she just becomes an asshole, and say things she doesn't believe. She did it with her sisters, she did it Arizona and all they were trying to do was care about her.
She needed to apologize, she was feeling awful. The night seemed longer than usual. Amelia couldn't sleep thinking about the huge mess she did. When she decided to pick up her phone to text Arizona, she saw the several voicemails in it. When she listened to Arizona's and the "I love you" part, this part she wanted to hear for so long, she fell apart. She was so in love with her and right now she felt like she just ruined it, maybe for good.
In the morning, Maggie and Meredith were in the kitchen fixing up the breakfast for the kids, when Amelia arrived there.
"Mer, I'm leaving now, do you want me to take Zola to school?" – Maggie said, the minute she saw Amelia there.
"Maggie, please, I want to talk to you. Both of you. I'm really, really sorry about yesterday" – Amelia said, trying to convince her sister to stay.
"Ok. Apologies accepted. I have to leave" – Maggie said but Amelia insisted.
"Maggie, please, can you hear me for just a second? I'm a HUGE mess. I know it, you know it. Everybody knows it, and usually, I'm ok with that, I'm ok with everybody expecting me to fail, to show the world the mess I am. Somehow I feel different now, I really like Arizona, and I really like the person I am with her. So now I care. I don't want you to expect me to fail. And you guys, you made me strong every fucking day of my life. You made me believe in me. That's why the minute I realized that even for a quick moment you were expecting me to fail, I lost it. I really lost it. I said horrible things to both of you, and I don't believe in anything I said. I'm completely and honestly and deeply sorry" – Amelia opened up her heart to her sisters.
"You can't just do it, you know? Like, live your lonely life and let us be part of it whenever you want, shutting us out whenever you want, too. I already have three children to worry about, Amelia. I can't do this" – Meredith said, making Amelia's tears fall down from her eyes.
"I know, Mer. Don't you think I know that? The thing is: your kids are far more smart and brave than I am. I hide when I'm scared, I don't know how to ask for help." – Amelia said, crying.
"Why did you disappear yesterday?" – Maggie asked her, now feeling touched by her sister's confession.
"Because I saw myself in that patient all day. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw the old me, the addict me. I didn't know how to say that without making you two and Arizona feeling sorry for me, so I needed to be alone. But I didn't use anything, I didn't drink. I just sat alone and felt sorry for myself" – Amelia said, and Maggie hugged her.
"You need to ask for help, Amy. I've tried to talk to you all day because I was worried. I wasn't expecting you to fail, Mer wasn't expecting you to fail, but we know sometimes things can get too hard on us, and that's why we have each other" – Maggie said.
"Mer, can you please forgive me? I can't do this without you" – Amelia asked.
"No, you don't get to put me in that position, I'm not responsible for whatever you can or can't do. Don't do this, it's not fair!" – Meredith shouted.
"It isn't fair, I know that. That's why I'm asking you, because if you two turn your back on me, then I'm done. Nobody else cares about me and the person I'm in love with right now won't probably ever speak to me again. So that's it, my mom doesn't care, my other sisters don't care, they never did. I don't have anybody else in my life" – Amelia said, taking Meredith's hand.
"Do you promise not to disappear again? I mean, do you really promise me that?" – Meredith asked.
"I do. I promise you" – Amelia said and they hugged.
It was an emotional morning and Amelia knew that it was just the beginning. She still had no clue about how she was going to fix things with Arizona.
The three of them headed to the hospital and Amelia was crying silently all the way. She knew Arizona was disappointed and mad. It was not going to be easy to fix things and as they were getting closer to the hospital entrance, she was feeling more and more scared.
"She won't forgive me, will she? I mean, why the hell she would want to forgive someone who said those things to her?" – Amelia was thinking out loud, and Maggie took her hand.
"You'll never know if you don't try. And after all, you need to apologize to her, even if it's still too soon for her to forgive you." – Maggie said and they walked in.
Amelia changed into her scrubs and when she left the attending's room she spotted Arizona typing on her tablet, near the front desk.
"Hey, do you have a minute?" – Amelia asked, softly.
"I don't, actually" – Arizona answered, without looking into Amelia's eyes, and started to walk away.
"I'm sorry. I really am. I need to apologize to you" – Amelia said, but Arizona kept walking.
"Arizona, please, don't do this. Can you hear me for just a second?" – Amelia said and grabbed her arm.
Arizona turned around and slowly opened her eyes and stared into Amelia's. She could see a deep sadness in those eyes, and that broke her heart. But at the same time, she couldn't be the one who saves her, she didn't want this kind of relationship.
"Ok, I'm listening" – Arizona said.
"I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean any of those things I've said last night" – Amelia said.
"Were you drunk?" – Arizona asked.
"I wasn't. I wasn't high, either. I was just mad. That patient made me mad about myself and I took it all out on you" – Amelia explained.
"I asked you if you were ok and you told me to go away. How am I supposed to do that, Amy? I mean, teach me, because I can't play this game. You say you don't like to talk about your past but you clearly needed to talk about it, to vomit this in order to not going crazy, and instead, you push people away, you disappear, you say horrible things and then you come back and say it's this patient's fault?" – Arizona said, a little louder than she expected.
"I didn't mean it like that, it wasn't her fault, of course not. It was my fault, I saw myself on her and that made me sad, and scared. It doesn't justify the things I've said, I know that, but you have no idea what it's like to lose everything, Arizona. I've lost everything in my life: my health, my child, my boyfriend, my brother… I never got to say goodbye to him. I almost lost my career. I deal with losses in a messed way but it's how I can cope with it!" – Amelia shouted, emotional. She was fighting her tears back but it wasn't hard to see she was about to fall apart.
"I've lost all of that, too! My brother died and all I've got was a folded flag in my damn hands. I've lost my leg, I've lost my marriage, I miscarried a baby, too. My daughter lives across the country and I have to be satisfied with a facetime relationship for most of the year. I also thought about giving up medicine, I never thought I would stand again and do surgeries. I've lost a lot. And I was a jerk for too long. That's how I know what you're going through. I know, ok? I understand. But at some point of your life, you'll have to choose, either you ask for help and accept it, or you just live alone for the rest of your life. So, what's your choice, Amelia?" – Arizona said and before Amelia could answer, she left.