"…perfect moment to tell you that, I-I love you"
Dean had replayed that same sentence over and over in his head for an entire week. It had been a week since their fight and ultimately their split. During the week, Castiel had neither answered his calls nor called him back only once to tell him he wouldn't be coming back and would ultimately have to quit. It broke Dean's heart and he could only accept it because no amount of begging and pleading was going to change what he had done. Lucas seemed to know and sense the change around him being very difficult with Dean by screaming in the middle of the night because of his teeth, refusing to sleep on time, and being moody. Dean knew he missed Castiel and could only comfort him the best he could.
Dean had also decided to take "sick leave" from work since he couldn't leave Lucas alone and though he was relieved he felt stuck.
"You look a mess"
Dean looked up from the couch to see Sam standing at the door holding Lucas close to him.
"Thanks, Samantha"
"No, I'm being serious, you have a beard which is growing things, you're being lazy, and you look…a mess" Sam said shaking his head. "You ruined this, Dean, and you are the only one who can fix this"
"I've tried!"
"Not hard enough! You called me four days ago and sounded like you were two seconds from having a mental breakdown dude. I came here, I dropped everything for you because you're my brother and I will always be here for you but you need to fix this. You are the one who lied and broke the trust, Cas, had in you"
Dean swallowed hard meeting his eyes and looked away towards the television. "He won't answer my calls, my texts, and I don't…I don't even know where this flat of his is because I've never been and I am not asking bloody Gabriel"
"Because he'll kill you"
"Yeah, Sam, he's already threatened me with my life so I'm not about to seek him out when I broke his baby brother's heart" he muttered tossing the remote to the side. "I don't know what else to do"
Sam looked at Lucas laying his head on his shoulder sucking his pacifier contently. "I think he's pissed at you as well"
"You think? He wants Cas and I can't get him" he said with a sigh. "It's like when mom used to go shopping and you flipped out every time"
"She's our mom and I was a clingy child if I remember rightly"
Dean smirked faintly running a hand into his hair. "I need coffee"
"Make me some too"
Dean set about his task while Sam watched with a sad frown. "I still don't understand how you could do it, Dean, why would you let this slip through your fingers for a girl you don't even want"
"Because I'm stupid and I let it fall apart around me" he said turning to face him. "I lied because in my mind I didn't want him to know because he hated her. I'm an idiot, I'm a complete…fucking…disaster and I've lost him over lies"
"Then it's up to you to fix it, to win him back, because he is the best thing that has happened to you apart from Lucas" Sam argued back. "You love him, I know you do"
Dean sipped his coffee with a nod. "And look what I did"
"So fix it"
"How?"
"Find him"
Gabriel folded his arm over his chest staring at Castiel strewn out on the couch watching a cartoon like a big kid. Castiel looked over to him with hooded eyes and away with a deep scowl.
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm here because you're utterly depressing bro and I'm getting a little sick of it"
"No one asked you to be here and certainly not me"
"Quit the attitude, Castiel, it doesn't suit you"
Castiel huffed turning over and facing his back to him. "I'm fine"
"You are far from fine and I wish you'd let me go around there and give him a piece of my mind" he said shaking his head. "That fucking dick"
"Because this is my mess, my relationship, and I'll sort it"
"Oh yeah I'm sure that's what you are doing, Cas, pray tell…when was the last time you spoke to Dean?"
"Go away, Gabe" Castiel said with a moan burying his head into the cushion.
"You drinking, eating takeaway, and sitting on this bloody couch is not helping you! Speak to him or let me, hey, let me call Balthazar…"
"No, Gabriel!"
"Then what are you going to do?"
"I don't know!" Castiel shouted turning towards him aggravated. "All I know I right now is I want you gone!"
Gabriel huffed shaking his head and turned heading to the door. The door slamming in his exit made Castiel flinch at the loud noise and he closed his eyes swallowing hard. He reached out grabbing his phone and flicking through his contacts till he reached Dean's number and hovered wondering whether or not to call him. The past week had been hard and he missed them both terribly it was beginning to hurt even more than Dean's betrayal. His thumb slipped from the green call button slowly and he tossed the phone to the side and moved instead to get a shower and a shave because Gabriel was right and he felt dirty.
Gabriel stormed down the street pulling out Anna's number and calling her.
"Hello, Gabriel" Anna said in a soft voice.
"Anna, I need you to get Dean Winchester's address"
"What am I? The mafia"
"I need it and I know you can get addresses since you've done it before" he argued back. "That sonofabitch hurt our brother, Anna, and no one hurts my family, no one"
"So macho of you, Gabriel, but I see your point so wait a minute" she said placing the phone down and putting him on speakerphone.
"So you going to beat him to a pulp"
"No, I'm going to speak to him since our brother likes fatty foods all of the sudden and generally being a depressed ass"
Anna chuckled typing away on her computer and hummed in approval. "4a Wickham Road"
"Thanks sis"
"Be gentle, Gabe, I don't think Castiel will take to kindly to the man he loves in a coma" she said and hung up on him.
Gabriel didn't waste any time as he headed to Wickham Road and hammered on the door till Sam opened confused and pissed.
"Oh hello" Gabriel murmured eyeing him up and down. "I do love a tall man"
"Who the hell are you?"
"Gabriel Milton" he said with a grin and turned to look at Dean stood in the hallway looking pale and slightly alarmed. "Don't worry gorgeous, I'm here to see your friend over there"
"Brother actually, I'm Sam"
"Well, Mr Gorgeous Face Sam, I need to see your brother for two seconds" he said brushing past him and heading to Dean who stepped back into the living room. "Aw, cute baby, I see why my baby brother is head over heels for you and your offspring there"
Sam glared at Gabriel and looked to Dean who scooped Lucas up holding him to his chest.
"Now, I'd like a little privacy so…" he said gesturing at Sam and Lucas. "Why don't you take your nephew and take a stroll outside"
"Dean…" Sam said with a shake of his head when he handed Lucas over.
"His coat and shoes are with the baby seat are in the hallway, Sam, just…please" he said staring at him with wide pleading eyes. "I'll be fine"
"If you hurt him…"
"Oh behave, this isn't an action film, kiddo, take the baby and get go" he said with a nod and a quick smile. Sam glared at him with a look that could kill armies before taking Lucas away and getting him ready.
"Who knew your brother was the good looking one" Gabriel said shoving his hands into his pockets and looking at Dean. "You look like complete shite and I'm not really surprised since my baby bro is in the same situation"
"Is he okay?" Dean murmured leaning against the wall.
"Give me your definition of okay?" Gabriel snapped and turned his head when the door went and Sam left with Lucas. "Oh look…we're all on our own"
"Does Cas know you're here?"
"Nope, he'd kill me if he knew I was here but since his depressed ass is stuck to that couch of his…I'm here" he said dropping down on the sofa and kicking his legs up on the coffee table. "So, Dean, are you going to sit down and tell me why you have been a complete fucking douche with my brother?"
"I never meant to lie…"
"Oh but you did, Dean, and he told me all the details…how you lied to him for weeks while you went out with that slut, text her while you were with him, and then kissed her!" he said with a loud laugh shaking his head. "I don't know what my brother sees in you…I really don't, I mean look at you!"
"You don't know anything" Dean snapped back clenching his fists together. "Yeah I lied but she kissed me and I shoved her away! I was wrong; I was so fucking wrong and believe me it keeps me awake at night because I don't know why I lied! I…"
"What, Dean?"
"I love him" he said with fierce determination. "I am so in love with him that it scares me even more than Lucas growing up at the speed of light"
"Then why aren't you out there fighting for him?"
"He won't let me…"
"Because he's angry with you, you stupid dick" Gabriel said through clenched teeth. "I would not be here if it wasn't for the fact that I know my brother loves you so fucking much that I have seen him cry more times this week than I have in my lifetime"
Dean swallowed hard averting his eyes and looking down at the floor.
"I have to answer calls from him drunk and crying about you! You of all people, he hates what you have done and he has called you every fucking name under that bloody sun in the sky that it's hilarious he can still love your self-hating ass!" he shouted standing up to look at him. "This is on you, Dean Winchester, and you have to fix this"
Dean struggled looking up and meeting his eyes. "What do I do then?"
"I'm not here to guide you, I'm here to knock sense into you and if it means I go in there and find a frying pan to beat that pretty head in…I will"
Dean supressed laughter and inhaled deeply looking up at the ceiling. "Do you think he'll take me back?"
"I don't know but I know you need to get around there and speak to him before I do some real damage to you and believe me when I say that Balthazar is out for your blood" he said with a small smirk. "It's only fortunate that the guy is still in Germany"
"I don't know where he is, I never went to the apartment"
Gabriel rolled his eyes grabbing a pen from the side and scribbling down an address.
"Go there and talk to him, I'll wait here till Mr Gorgeous Face Sam gets in and tell him where you are"
"You're a real dick you know that"
"Coming from the heart-breaking, cheating, backstabbing liar" he said with a small cold smile. "Go fix your shitty mess"
Dean snatched the piece of paper and headed out of the house. Gabriel sniffed glancing around and headed to the kitchen to get a drink and made himself at home. Dean walked down the roads till he reached the apartments and looked down at the number before moving in.
Castiel rubbed a towel through his hair and looked down at the black pyjama pants and too large t-shirt but it was comfortable. A knock startled him slightly and he walked over with a frown opening it up and staring at Dean in surprise.
"What the…" he said and instinct made him want to slam the door closed until Dean threw out his hand to stop him and barged in.
"Hey, Cas" he said closing the door behind him. "I had a visit from your brother"
Dean saw the realisation in Castiel's eyes as he looked away with a sigh. "I'll kill him"
"Please do before he kills me"
Castiel looked him up and down slowly. "Did he hurt you?"
"No" he said with a shake of his head. "I was ordered over here and I'm glad I did…we need to talk"
"We've already talked, Dean, I don't need another bunch of lies from you"
"I'm not here to lie, I'm here to talk" he said shoving his hands into his pockets. "We can't just…leave it like this. We need to sort this out"
"Sort what, Dean? Your lies or your cheating?"
"I never cheated! I did nothing with her that resulted in cheating, she kissed me and I'll even let you call her to fucking confirm it" he said with a huff. "I would never cheat on you…now the lying? I should have never done it but it's done and I can't take it back"
Castiel huffed out a fake laugh and held up his hands. "Fine, she kissed you and you shoved her away…do you want an award?"
"The attitude isn't cute, Cas"
"You sound like Gabriel" he muttered turning away and making a drink. "I have no attitude problem, Dean, this is just anger, anger I have yet to release"
"Then release it on me, Cas, I just want to sort this out"
Castiel sipped his drink and faced him with a small sad smile. "Sort it out? You lied to me for weeks, you lied so you could spend time with Imogen and I had no idea…I don't understand why you couldn't tell me the truth"
"You hate her and I knew you would have had a problem with it" Dean mumbled sitting down at the dining table. "I hid it from you and the only way I could do that was lying to you and I regret it so much, Cas, you have to believe me. I hated lying to you but I didn't stop and this is my lesson…I hate that I've lost you and I miss you so much, we both miss you"
Castiel averted his eyes away from you biting into his bottom lip. "How am I meant to trust you now?"
"I'll gain it back, I swear"
"I don't…" he said closing his eyes and shaking his head. Dean darted up closing into his personal space and cupping his cheeks.
"Yes, yes you can" he whispered stroking along his cheekbones. "I swear I'll do whatever I can to gain it back…I can't lose you, I can't"
"You think it's that simple"
"It's only us making it hard"
"You broke my trust" Castiel whispered shaking his head and grabbing his wrists. "I trusted you, I spent every moment with you, I stood and watched your son because I wanted to and all that time you were with her, you were lying to me over and over again without a care for my feelings and it's only now that you feel remorse for your actions. I don't know if I can trust you, Dean, because I now have that shattering inside of me that won't fade because at times when you disappear I will always wonder if you're telling me the truth and that kills me"
Castiel's voice cracked at the end breaking Dean inside when he shoved his hands away and turned his face away.
"I can't lose you, Castiel, I can't…because in all this mess, all this disaster, I realised the most important thing" he murmured softly. "I love you, I love you so much it scares me and I'm so sick of being scared"
Castiel felt tears flood his eyes and he looked over to him with an exhale. "Why didn't you realise this before then?"
"Because I'm stupid"
"You're a joke that's what you are" he said with a chuckle feeling the tears slide down in slow hot streams.
"I'm not a very funny one, I'm one of those jokes that people have heard over and over again and they just aren't funny" he whispered reaching up and touching his cheek. "But maybe I can get one person in a billion to laugh at me"
"That's awful" Castiel murmured looking into his eyes and exhaling with a slight whimper. "This has been the worst week of my life…I have eaten foods that should be giving me a heart attack, I have watched programmes I would rather forget, and I sleep in a cold bed when all I want is a nice warm body, your body, next to mine and the amount of times I have wanted to call you is ridiculous"
"I meet your wager and raise it by having two hours' sleep every night, a baby who is teething and misses you like crazy, and a guilt that is slowly killing me"
"I win" Castiel murmured with hard swallow. Dean hid a smile and moved closer brushing his thumb under his eyes collecting the tears and wiping them on his own t-shirt.
"Yeah, you win, and you need to know how sorry I am, Cas, I was so fucking stupid and I know that now…it's my lesson and I swear to never lie to you again"
"I can't trust that" he said with a small sob looking down at the floor. Dean stepped closer tilting his chin up and pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. Castiel sucked in a sharp breath shaking his head and placed two hands on his shoulders attempting to push him away.
"You can't…you can't do that"
"I know" Dean murmured looking at his lips and moving in kissing him hard. Castiel whimpered into his mouth, his hands now clutching at his jacket till he pulled away breathing hard.
"You really shouldn't…"
"Shut up" Dean hissed pulling him back in and kissing him hard.
Castiel groaned as their lips met and opened up in demanding anticipation as they kissed hot and wet. His hands reached up wrapping around his neck as they kissed with enough passion that Dean felt like his skin was on fire. Every nerve inside of him screamed to be closer and he moaned into his mouth pushing Castiel back till they hit the dining room table and onto the table.
Castiel panted clutching at the back of his hair when he kissed down his neck and moved up to his mouth again clutching at his hips. Dean groaned when Castiel nipped at his bottom lip and moved to his neck once again biting into the skin hard enough to get a cry from him and Castiel panted clutching the back of his hair and shook his head.
"I can't…" he murmured shoving him away till he stumbled and jumped off the table. Dean watched him breathing hard and shut his eyes trying to regain his breath.
"I can't, Dean, as much I want you and god I want you…but I can't do it" he said turning to face him. "I need more time"
"How much time"
"Time enough to think, really think, and decide if I can trust you again or if I'm even willing to do this again" he said with a tight swallow folding his arms over. "I…"
"I get it, Cas, I understand" he said breathing out hard running a hand into his hair. "So this isn't goodbye?"
"No, not yet"
"What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to leave me alone; I need time to think without interference"
"For how long"
"Until I call you" he said with a tight jaw.
Dean licked his bottom lip and moved over with a nod of confirmation. "You know I'm sorry, right?"
"Yes"
"You know I love you as well, I really do love you"
"Y-Yes"
"Okay" he muttered and headed to the door before pausing and looking back to him. "I wasn't lying about Lucas missing you, he knows something is wrong and is taking it out on me"
"Well…at least he's teaching the lesson for me" he said with a small smile.
"It's a painful one"
"Goodbye, Dean"
"See you later, Cas" he murmured heading to the door and faltering again. Dean turned on his heel moving over quickly and brought him forward kissing him hard and fast. Castiel gasped against his lips and let it happen as he kissed him slowly and drew back to look into his eyes.
"Just in case there isn't a later" he murmured stroking a thumb down his cheek and taking off quickly. Castiel inhaled sharply and pressed a hand over his chest feeling an ache spread over it like a burn. Dean hurtled out of the main doors and stopped for breath and looked over his shoulder at the building before heading back.
Sam glared over at Gabriel who smirked popping a lollipop into his mouth. "What's with the evil eyes cutie?"
"You threatened my brother; you're not exactly on my Christmas card list"
"It was for a reason, a personal reason, and I'm the matchmaker here! I sent him on his way"
"I don't…" he said and was cut off when the front door opened. "Dean?"
Dean walked in and looked over to Gabriel and Sam. "What's he still doing here?"
"I waited around for the news…so?" Gabriel said gesturing at him.
"We talked and he needs more time, I have to wait for him" Dean said not meeting their eyes as he picked up Lucas out of his playpen. "It's not goodbye just yet"
"Brilliant!" Gabriel exclaimed with a cheerful smile and was met with two pairs of angry eyes. "What? Oh come on guys, did you really expect him to welcome you back with open arms and plenty of makeup sex?"
"Gabriel, get out of my house" Dean snapped at him.
"It worked, Deano, it's not goodbye and I know a lot of people say they will think about it and they don't but Castiel will. It might be a bit of a wait but you have him" he said with a smile and dropped a slip of paper on Sam's head. "In case you want to talk on a more personal basis"
"Go away!" Dean exclaimed at him.
"I'm going! See you later, Lucas, and you, I'll be waiting" he said to Sam with a wink before leaving and slamming the door hard behind him. Sam blinked a few times before looking over to Dean who sighed with an eye roll and pressed a kiss to Lucas's temple.
"It's just the waiting game" he muttered with a sigh. Sam grimaced watching him walk out with Lucas and into the kitchen needing to be on his own for a minute with his baby.
~0~0~0~
One week slipped into two weeks and then three weeks with no contact from him at all. Dean kept his promise and didn't call him but he missed him terribly. He missed the comfort, warmth, his smile, his laugh, his silly chatter, his love for Lucas, and everything from the little freckle in his right nipple. Sam had left on the same week that Castiel had told him he needed time needing to return back to Stanford and his mom was constantly calling about him coming down to stay with her for a while but he always refused.
It didn't and wasn't getting any better with Lucas who missed Castiel as much as he did and was struggling as well. It was easier sometimes when he distracted him but the nights were hard when he wanted Castiel and not him.
It came to a hard end when Lucas woke up screaming, wailing, and throwing a tantrum at 2am in the morning. Dean held him close rocking him with a shush and a cooing but it didn't work as he kicked and screamed struggling in his arms.
"You want him don't you? I know you do, I know because I want him to" he said rocking him back and forth. "But I screwed up and I don't even know if he wants me anymore"
Lucas whimpered attempting to arch out of his arms and Dean sighed exhausted dropping in the chair.
"Fine, fine" he said bringing out his phone and dialling his number.
Castiel was in the middle of a rather good dream when the shrill tone of his ringtone woke him up and he scrambled hitting the tableside lamp answering his phone.
"Dean?" he murmured clutching his head and squinting in the light.
"Cas, I know it's late and I know I said I would leave you alone but I need you" he said shushing Lucas. "He wants you; I need you to sing to him through the phone"
"What?" he murmured sitting up and attempting to wake up. "I can't sing to him on the phone"
"Try, Cas, I'm begging you here" he said looking down at Lucas trying to reach for the phone with grabby hands. "He won't sleep and I know he wants you…please"
"Alright, what should I sing?"
"Anything, I'll put you on speakerphone" he said quickly when Lucas wailed and he stuck in his pacifier. "Who's this? It's Cas, listen"
Castiel straightened up and rubbed his eyes. "Don't laugh at me"
"I won't, sing!" he hissed looking at Lucas who whimpered tossing his head.
"Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Papa's gonna buy you a looking glass,
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Papa's gonna buy you a billy goat,
And if that billy goat won't pull,
Papa's gonna you a cart and bull,
And if that cart and bull down,
You'll still be the sweetest baby in town".
Castiel breathed out and swallowed listening hard. "Well?"
Dean stared at the phone open mouthed and looked at Lucas now suddenly quiet and curled into Dean staring at the phone.
"It's working but sing another one"
"I have a song I sing sometimes which does the trick but you…you may not like it"
"Cas, anything will do, I don't care" he hissed glancing at Lucas.
Castiel straightened up with a nod. "Fine"
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are grey,
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.
The other night dear, as I lay sleeping,
I dreamed I held you in my arms,
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken,
So I hung my head and I cried.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are grey,
You'll never know dear, how much I love you,
Please don't take my sunshine away".
Dean swallowed looking down at Lucas with his eyes halfway shut as he rocked him close soothing him softly and took him off speakerphone.
"Why did you never tell me you could sing?"
"It never came up and you always left me to sing the lullabies" he said clearing his throat. "The first always made him drop off"
"I think that did the trick" he murmured closing his eyes in relief. "Thanks, Cas"
"You're welcome"
The silence stretched between them till Castiel broke it. "I better get back to sleep"
"How's the thinking going?"
Castiel closed his eyes and sighed slipping down the bed. "Not so well, I didn't think I'd be able to cope and I can't…I think I left half of myself there with you"
"You need to come to collect it then"
"Dean…"
"I miss you, I miss you so much, and I need you to come back before I go insane" he said standing up gingerly and slipping him into the cot and watching him. "Your little sunshine wants you"
"Which one"
"Both" Dean said with a small tired smile. "What I did was…awful, heart-breaking, and every bad word out there but I am so tired of waiting, Cas, I need you to come to a decision and soon because I need to know"
"I know"
"Before the week is out, Cas"
"Okay" Castiel whispered closing his eyes. "Before the week is out"
Dean pulled the phone away and hung up looking down at Lucas sleeping heavily now and wished he could do that. It wasn't getting any easier and being left in the dark was the worst and he had learnt his lesson, he had. It was just a waiting game now, was it yes…or…no.
A/N: I have been dying to do that lullaby part. It's such a relief to do it.
The amount of times I deleted this and started all over again is stupid! I had a bad writing block for this chapter but hopefully you like the end result.
I also realised that by ageing Lucas so quick I have also skipped a few events such as Christmas and New Year. My bad. Let's just say that it was spent together before all the shit hit the fan because I totally didn't realise and it's too late to put them in.