Chapter 21: Everything is Fragile

Cassandra and Shelby walked hand in hand in the Christmas store, watching as their little girl got oh-so-excited over the tiniest little things and details. She'd run over to the colorful fake trees and grin at the lit up stars on the top. The young girl pointed to a particularly sparky golden star and grinned from ear to ear.

"Look, Mama! A shining star!" she exclaimed.

Nodding, Cass smiled down at her little girl. "Just like you, my shining star." Her tone was loving and her eyes conveyed a motherly feel, but Shelby knew better than that. She squeezed her wife's hand. Cassandra was holding back and Shelby wasn't entirely sure why that was. Perhaps their talk needed be happen sooner than she had originally thought.

Cass squeezed back but otherwise said nothing about what was going through her head. Now was not the time. This moment with their daughter was something they needed to cherish and enjoy; especially Shelby, who'd wanted nothing but this all her life, and Cassie was not about to ruin this moment for her. Or for Rachel.

Holly and April watched the two women, curiously. They'd known Shelby and Cassandra for a very long time, and knew how the two women worked with each other. Something was clearly off-balance between them but none could place what that shift in the universe seemed to be. It was slightly concerning, but something they knew they would not be able to address right now.

Rachel beamed up at her mothers, her keepers, blissfully and innocently unaware of any change in their attitudes or actions. She had never been in a place so large and beautiful. Lights decorated every corner and every wall. Snowflakes and glitter decked the halls and adjoining windows, making the glass sparkle. When the lights reflected against it, the entire store lit up wildly. It was beauty at its finest, and to young eyes it was absolutely incredible. She didn't know where to turn her attention to next. Every scene around her required her absolute devotion. They hadn't even walked far enough to be at Santa's workshop. For a small moment, she forgot that's what they were doing at the store to begin with.

Pulling her wife closer, Shelby knew she was pushing boundaries. Clearly Cassie was in her head, and usually when that happened, she didn't want to be cuddled or swarmed with questions. Shelby was breaking at least one of these rules, so far. She decided to tempt fate and see what would happen. Cass did nothing, but her body stiffened slightly. Clearly she was not in the mood and was trying, as a successful actress, not to show it. If Cass had ever been able to fool Shelby, this was not one of those times.

"What is wrong with you today?" Shelby decided to whisper-ask, bluntly. Today was not supposed to be a bad day, and after Rachel's earlier meltdown, the older brunette had hoped nothing more would happen like this.

Knowing this, Cassandra did not want to worry her wife with the silly, worried details, swimming around in her head. "Nothing's wrong. Focus on Rachel, not me." Cass said to her, letting go of Shelby's hand and walking over to her shining star, in need of some sort of distraction. Not that Rachel was going to distract her much from what she was thinking, but it was better than being antagonized by her wife. Crouching down to Rachel's level, Cass smiled, pointing at a shelf covered in icicles that lit up different colors.

"Look at that, Rachel." She smiled warmly, taking Rachel's hand. "Wouldn't those look pretty hanging over our fireplace?" she asked.

The young girl nodded excitedly. She didn't think the mansion was decorated nearly enough at the moment. It needed much, MUCH more done to it. "Can we get them?" she asked. "Please?" she added in a small voice. It wasn't often that Rachel was brave enough to ask for something in a store. She remembered all too well what good that did her in her old houses. But she tried to remind herself that Cassie and Shelby were definitely not like anyone at the older houses. They were special and nice. Most importantly, they wouldn't yell or beat her for asking for something.

"Hmm." Cassandra pretended to contemplate, as if she didn't already have an answer for her little girl. Of course she was going to buy them if Rachel wanted them. "Well, the green ones do match Mommy's eyes…" she drug her thought process out.

"And yours!" Rachel pointed out excitedly, her little legs jumping up with giddiness. Her sweater moved when she did so and she moved it back in place, letting go of Cassie's hand to do so and also fixing her little black leggings in the process. "They match your eyes, too, Mama."

Mama. The little girl already calls you Mama, Cassandra, why can't you just accept that you are a part of this? This is important to Shelby and it's important to you. You love both of these girls. Why are you so hesitant to be a mother?

Because I can't possibly be good at it. If anything I'm barely qualified to be an Aunt to this little girl. She deserves better than me. She deserves Shelby and…and someone who knows more about this than I do. Someone who's not me.

Get out of your head and answer her. Don't make her wait all day for an answer.

"That's right," the tears threatening to spill out of Cassandra's eyes stayed behind that wall she put up—the wall that hid her feelings about who she truly was—and she smiled, sniffing and standing to her full height. "That's right, they do, which means we must get them, yes?" She reached up and got a box of them down, putting them into the cart that Holly was pushing.

Rachel clapped her hands together excitedly. Santa may come to their highly decorated and festive house, yet.

Holly cast Cassandra a concerned look, their eyes barely meeting. Cass glared hard at the floor. Get your shit together, July. She yelled at herself. Don't let Rachel catch on. She can feel when something is wrong. She'll notice.

Taking a breath, Cass started walking, leading the way with Rachel next to her. The little girl took her hand, trusting her completely.

Maybe you shouldn't trust me. Cass thought. Everything I touch is ruined…I can't ruin you, too, my sweet child.

Curiously, Rachel glanced up at her Mama.

Act, damn it, you're an actress for a reason.

Cass gave Rachel the most reassuring smile she could muster, which seemed to be convincing enough for her. She picked her little girl up and they headed towards Santa's Workshop; Shelby, Holly, and April trailing behind them.

When Rachel spotted Santa, her little eyes lit up with such hope it made Cassie's smile genuine. For a moment, the blonde forgot every last concern and focused on the sweet little one. She pulled excitedly on Cassie's sweater and gasped.

"Look! Look, Mama! He's real! He's really, truly real!" she squealed. She'd never seen Santa before. He looked jolly and big and caring. Suddenly every bad feeling and thought Rachel had ever had slipped away. She realized then and there how amazing this year truly was. Santa had given her mommies, and was going to make this the best Christmas in the history of ever. He was going to ensure that everyChristmas was so beautiful.

"He really truly is, sweetie." Cass grinned, kissing the top of Rachel's head and continuing to hold her as they got in line. Shelby and the other two women stepped in line behind them, watching the exchange with peculiar thoughts running through their heads.

Cassandra, my sweet Cassandra. Shelby sighed to herself. You are far too good an actress for your own sense of sanity. But I know you better than that, love. I will figure out what's getting to you and we will fix this.

The blonde turned her head and locked eyes with her wife, practically reading the thoughts in her head. She swallowed and kissed Rachel's forehead again, her eyes staying locked with her wife's. She was not prepared for whatever discussion the two of them were going to have. Suddenly, she wished she would stay in the Christmas store and never leave it. She found the floor much more interesting than the thoughts Shelby was shooting towards her.

After waiting in line for the allotted time period, it was their turn to see Santa. Rachel practically dove out of Cassie's arms and she had to very carefully try to set her down on the floor. The little girl sped over to Holly, who had her list in her pocket.

"Aunt Holly," she pulled Holly down to her level and whispered into her ear. Shelby smiled widely at hearing Rachel call her best friend "Aunt Holly". Cassandra's heart melted. "Can I have my letter now? So I can give it to Santa?"

"Of course, honey." She handed the letter to Rachel and Rachel ran over to Santa, greeting him with her famous mega-watt smile.

"Hi!" she exclaimed, making the adults laugh lightly.

"Why, hello there." Santa laughed. He'd spent the day observing 3 types of children: ones who were afraid of him, ones who didn't really care about being there, and ones who were very excited. However, Rachel was the first to seem quite this excited. She reached out her hand to give him her letter.

April smiled at the fact that she had been quick enough on her feet to make another copy for Shelby and Cassandra.

Santa took the letter gently. "Would you like to sit with me, Rachel?" he asked, glancing over the letter to find her name.

Not remembering she'd put her name on the letter and being caught up in the moment, Rachel was excited and amazed that he knew her name. She glanced over at Shelby for confirmation and the older brunette nodded, giving her permission and telling her it was safe. It wasn't often that Rachel trusted older men, for obvious reasons, but Santa was an exception. He would not hurt her. She climbed up onto his lap and Holly, April, Shelby, and Cassie all got their phones out, immediately starting to snap pictures. Deciding to change things up a bit, Holly hit "record" so they'd have a video as well as pictures. These moments were so special in this family's lives.

Reading straight through Rachel's list, Santa glanced up at Rachel's family—her mommies and her aunts—smiled softly, and turned his attention back to Rachel.

"Why would you like to change your name?" he asked her out of curiosity.

Rachel swallowed and responded, acting much braver than she felt,

"Because I'm not a Berry anymore. I'm a Corcoran-July. So I want my name changed, for real, because my last name isn't who I am."

Adult eyes swam with proud tears as they witnessed the scene.

"I see." Santa put a gloved hand on Rachel's back to steady her so she wouldn't fall off of his knee. Rachel stiffened at the contact, and then realized it was for safety and relaxed. April turned to whisper into Shelby's ear,

"She is handling this surprisingly well for a little girl with trust issues. She is very brave."

"That's my girl." Shelby smiled.

"And you want plenty of books to read?" He confirmed.

Rachel nodded ferociously. "I love books. Mostly princess books. I can read well, even though I'm not too good at school."

"And any toys I think you might like?" he asked curiously. "What do you think you would like, Rachel?"

The little girl shrugged truthfully. "I'm not sure. I really like stuffed animals. And ribbons. And princesses."

The old man chuckled. "Alright. Santa will see what he can do, okay?"

"Okay." Rachel grinned, knowing that was already more than she felt she could ask for.

"Do you want a family picture now?" he asked with a smile. The man playing Santa had much patience. Especially with well-behaved and adorable children like Rachel.

"Please," Holly interjected. Shelby and Cass clicked their phones off and put them in their pockets, walking towards Rachel and Santa and leaning in close for a picture.

"Say Merry Christmas!" April interjected.

Cassandra rolled her eyes and smiled at her best friend's cliché.

"Merry Christmas," the family and Santa chorused, smiling widely at the camera.

After all was said and done, (and after Rachel was given a candy cane), Rachel jumped up onto Shelby's shoulders. Her mommy carried her out of line and towards the entrance of the store. When Holly patted Rachel's leg to remind her it was time to separate, Rachel found herself not even really afraid to just be with Holly and April for a while. She wouldn't have time to be afraid—she had to find something for Cassie and Shelby for Christmas!

"Mommy," Rachel leaned down and whispered into Shelby's ear. "You and Mama have to go now so Aunt Holly and Auntie April and I can get you presents…"

Shelby laughed lightly. "Okay, Rachel. Are you okay with us leaving for a bit then?" she wanted to make sure that Rachel would not feel like she was being abandoned.

The little girl nodded. "Yes. I love Aunt Holly and Auntie April. They will keep me safe. They are also keepers."

Shelby was happy to hear it. She rubbed Rachel's leg comfortingly and picked her up, pulling her down into her arms and peppering her face with kisses. "Good. We'll be back soon, okay? Only a few hours. We'll meet back up at the mansion."

"Okay." Rachel kissed Shelby's cheek then was passed off to Cassie, whose cheek she kissed as well. Cassie kissed her back. "See you soon." Rachel smiled.

"I'll count down the minutes, my darling." Cassie promised her.

Rachel was passed off to April and waved and watched as her mommies blew her a kiss and took hands, walking out the front door of the store.

. . .

As the two women drove, an uncomfortable silence existed between them. Shelby drove and Cassie stared out the window, sitting cross legged in the passenger seat. She didn't want to talk and wasn't going to be the first one to say anything if she didn't have to.

Unable to stand this feeling any longer, Shelby reached her hand out and took Cassie's, rubbing the back of the blonde's hand with her thumb in slow, light circles.

"What's wrong, Cassandra?" she asked softly, her voice pleading. "Please, just talk to me."

"I don't want to talk, Shelby." Cassandra responded immediately, her voice low and slightly monotonous.

"Cass."

"Shelby."

The brunette sighed. Why did her wife always have to be so difficult? This was supposed to be the season of love and relationships and family, and Shelby knew things were hard and stressful recently, but did Cassandra have to do this right now?

"Fine. Explain nothing to me. Make that little girl think you're mad at her." Shelby knew that direct attack was the only way to get to Cassandra when she was like this—the only way to get her to talk.

Cass turned her head immediately and gave her wife a glare. She hated when Shelby did that. The woman knew her too damn well.

"I'm not good for her." She admitted, angrily. She couldn't explain who she was angry at. She supposed it was mostly at herself, for being the way that she was. "I don't know how to be a mother, Shelby! I can barely take care of me and you! I'm a fuck up, and she deserves better."

Shelby pulled over immediately. There was no way they were going to have this conversation without looking each other directly in the eyes. Things were much more serious than she had originally thought. After stopping the car, she turned her head and looked at her wife, whose voice broke when she claimed she was a "fuck up".

"Sweetheart," Shelby turned completely so that she was facing Cassandra—Cassandra who was still facing forward and staring out the front windshield, clenching her jaw, gritting her teeth. She refused to cry. She was not going to cry. "You are not a fuck up."

"I am, Shelby, don't even try to convince me otherwise. Rachel needs another mother like you. It comes so naturally with you. You're her biological mother and I'm just another foster parent who's bound to break her heart or disappoint her—"

"Cassie!" Shelby was completely shocked. She hadn't realized how much Cassandra had been holding back.

"I'm not good with children. I teach them, but I don't know how to respond to them. I was SO confused and scared when I didn't know what to do this morning. And you just waltzed right in and sang and fixed everything—why couldn't I have done that?!" Cassie continued. "Because I'm not her real mother." She continued. "I'm not cut out for this…I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought I would be okay with it but…" DAMN these fucking tears… a few tears slid down her cheeks. "Shelby," her voice cracked. "Shelby," she turned her head and searched her wife's eyes, wildly—in a panic. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing…"

After letting Cassandra spill her fears, Shelby inhaled slowly and steadily, silently encouraging Cassandra to do the same. The blonde tried to breathe, in, and blew a shaky breath out. Her hands shook too, and her eyes continued to plead for an explanation.

"Honey, oh my sweet Cassandra," Shelby pressed her forehead to Cassie's and whispered slowly, softly. "My darling, none of us know what we're doing. This is scary for everyone. It's scary for me too…"

"But you do know what to do! You were able to calm her down…"

"And you could too, sweetheart. You were just shocked. You'd never been alone with her when she freaked out before. That was a completely natural response…"

"I'm not cut out for this…I'm not meant to be a mother. I'm not a good enough protector…she deserves someone better…"

"Listen to me, my love." Shelby pressed her head closer, her lips brushing against her wife's as she spoke. "There is no one in this world who is better than you. Do you understand me?" she squeezed Cassie's hand tighter. "No one. You are the most amazing woman I have ever met and you will be an incredible mother. You areRachel's protector. She adores you. She LOVES you. She worships the ground you walk and dance on and I'm telling you, nothing you do will be anything less than perfect in her eyes. Ever."

"I have to be her protector. Like my sister was for me. But better. Much better. So much better…"

"And you will be." Shelby promised. "You are."

Cassandra's doubt started to very slowly leave her. Shelby pressed her chin forward, their lips colliding softly. Cass whimpered against Shelby's lips, tenderly, begging for more comfort. The singer kissed her wife again, reassuring her that everything was going to be alright. Reminding her how wonderful she is. Reminding her how much she loves her. She knew it was hard for Cass to ever bring up her sister, and she wasn't going to push matters further.

Give it time, Shelby. She told herself. Everything is fragile. This will all take some time to uncover. Just make her feel loved and strong again.

Shelby pressed further into the kiss, whispering against trembling lips, "I love you so much, Cassandra July. And you are so strong. And so brave. You will be the most kick ass mother this girl has ever seen. You will be incredible. You ARE incredible. And I love you."

"I love you too." Cassie whispered back, pulling back from the kiss with a sigh, catching her breath. She knew she had to believe Shelby. Shelby was the only truth she'd ever had in her life.

After softly caressing Cassandra's face with her hand, Shelby gave her a final kiss and turned the car back on, continuing to drive to the store where they would meet Lena and continue their shopping day, knowing that they were going to hit little bumps in the road like that often.

At least they had each other. To work through things together. As wives and as keepers, they would make it through this.