Part XXI: If It Had Never Shone

"It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone."
— John Steinbeck, "The Winter of Our Discontent"

…..

"Ichi…"

"Ichi…"

"Ichi…go…"

"What?!" Ichigo groaned, spinning around on his heels. He looked the older shifter up and down, his lips pursed together unconsciously. Grimmjow grinned impishly as he leaned in, his handsome face mere inches from Ichigo's.

"Aren't you hungry?" Grimmjow asked, rubbing his stomach in discomfort.

Ichigo wanted to deny it, but it was pointless. He nodded, shrugging as he looked around the barren wasteland. "Yeah, but there's nothing to eat out here…"

"Ah, come on now." Grimmjow clicked his tongue. "I would never expect a desert boy like you to say such a thing."

"I'm not from the desert." Ichigo argued.

"Last I was in Macedonia…"

"Mesopotamia!" Ichigo corrected in annoyance.

"Macedonia, Mesopotamia… there's not really a difference is there? I mean, names change all the time, get used to it." Grimmjow pointed out, leaning on Ichigo's shoulder. "That point aside, you're from the fucking desert, ain't ya?"

"I lived in the forest." Ichigo answered, doing his best not to think about his home.

"Surrounded by…?" Grimmjow pressed.

"The… desert…" Ichigo finally gave in. He raised his hands in surrender. "But this desert is worse. It just keeps going! There's no end! And it's just rock and dust. I don't even think this is a real desert…" Ichigo turned in a circle. "Where the hell are we?"

"Oh who knows?" Grimmjow murmured, his hands resting in the top band of his pants lazily. "It'd be easier to tell if we had some light."

"You can't see in the dark?" Ichigo snipped.

"Well, yeah, but…" Grimmjow chuckled as he trailed off. He shook his head and hitched his thumb to the southeast. "There's a village that way. We should walk that way."

"I've never been that way." Ichigo replied, mostly to himself.

"Well, just when I think I've been everywhere, I see a whole new patch of fucking rocks and dirt…" Grimmjow joked. "Rocks and dirt. Sand and dust. Grass and trees. Same ol', same ol'. But every so often I find something that impresses me."

"I want to find a beach." Ichigo blurted, smiling excitedly at Grimmjow. "Maybe not as beautiful as yours, but one like it."

Grimmjow nodded silently. Ichigo regretted mentioning Grimmjow's homeland until he remembered Grimmjow had mentioned his only a few minutes prior. Ichigo chewed on his cracked bottom lip as he walked, thinking of anything but Mesopotamia.

"What're ya thinkin' about?" Grimmjow asked, finally breaking the silence.

"Home."

"Ah." Grimmjow nodded in understanding. "That explains the sad face."

"I was just thinking," Ichigo continued, although Grimmjow hadn't asked. "My dad's dead. He has to be. He'd be around 120 years old…"

"Nah. He's fine." Grimmjow interjected gruffly. "He's a doctor. They prolly live longer."

Ichigo smiled gratefully, "Yeah. I'm sure that's how that works."

"I don't see why not…" Grimmjow drawled.

"And my sisters…" Ichigo added, shaking his head. "They'd be grandmothers by now…"

"Hey," Grimmjow placed his hand on Ichigo's shoulder and they stopped walking. Grimmjow squeezed affectionately, his smile somber. "You'll never know. And that's okay. As long as ya don't know, the possibilities are endless. Good and bad. Choose to think about the good ones."

"Ignorance is bliss?" Ichigo reasoned.

"Exactly." Grimmjow confirmed, nodding his head and letting his hand slide from Ichigo's arm. "I wish I had that." And it looked as if Grimmjow would continue, as if he wanted to talk about it, but he didn't. "Come on. Let's find that village and get you something decent to wear. You look like a leper."

"Thanks."

"I've never met such a sloppy shifter." Grimmjow admonished. Ichigo rolled his eyes, trudging ahead of Grimmjow with a groan. "It's embarrassing to be seen with you dressed like that."

"Says the half-naked man." Ichigo muttered under his breath.

"What'd ya say? Naked? Yeah. It would be better to be naked." Grimmjow insisted. "You should take all your clothes off. Right now. For decency's sake…"

"That's…! Not what I was saying." Ichigo exclaimed in horror.

"You're so cute." Grimmjow breathed out, shaking his head. "How old are you? You're forever sixteen."

"God, I hope not." Ichigo clutched his head, as if the very thought caused him pain.

"Hey, uh, just so ya know…" Grimmjow began carefully gesturing to his chest. "You're stuff is peeling."

Ichigo looked down. The stone that covered his chest and abdomen had been chipping away slowly but the instances were increasing. He nodded in acknowledgement before pulling his shirt more tightly around himself. "You should quit looking at me and start looking for something to eat."

"I wasn't gonna ask, but I feel like I need to…" Grimmjow reasoned. "What the hell is that?"

"Stone. I think?" Ichigo shrugged unsurely. "Honestly, I don't know."

"But, uh, like, what is it for?" Grimmjow asked, walking side by side with Ichigo, staring at his chest in wonder.

"Komamura did something to me." Ichigo answered. "I don't know anything about it myself. But I get the feeling it's been keeping me alive all this time."

"So, the fact that it's peeling off is probably bad…?" Grimmjow drawled, his eyes wide with concern.

"Most likely." Ichigo agreed quietly.

"Fuck." Grimmjow breathed out, his eyes dropping to the ground.

"Yeah."

"So what can we do?" Grimmjow asked.

We?, Ichigo wanted to ask, but he figured the Master had put him through enough for a few more weeks. Ichigo shook his head, "I don't think there's anything that can be done."

"You're not gonna just give up." Grimmjow said. "I mean, it's your body… he can't have it."

"Shhhh…" Ichigo warned, looking up at Grimmjow with startling green eyes. "He'll hear you."

…

"Why're you still here?"

"Tired of me already?" Grimmjow replied, cutting his eyes at Ichigo, or rather, the Master inside of him.

"Too bad you didn't just die."

"You weren't trying to kill me, were you? I can't imagine you failing at killing me…"

"Seriously. Knock it off, you two!" Ichigo scolded, shaking his head in bewilderment. "You're both old as dirt. Act your age!"

"Now, gentlemen," Ichigo blurted impatiently. "Let's find an inn. Because I am not sleeping on the fucking ground again. I swear to God! One of you needs to put up the money or I'll just…" Ichigo screeched in frustration.

"I got it. I got it." Grimmjow assured him, patting his coin purse pointedly. "We'll find someplace for the night."

"Ah, thank you." Ichigo breathed out, nodding.

"And he was yelling at us…" Grimmjow teased, winking at Ichigo.

"Now who's behaving childishly?"

…..

"Where are we going?" Ichigo asked, wringing out his shirt. He flapped the soaking fabric, water spraying across his skin. He brought the shirt to his nose and inhaled. Making a face he shoved his shirt back into the water, brushing it sharply against a rock.

"The Council."

Ichigo looked up in surprise, his eyes meeting Grimmjow's. "What? Really?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Ichigo asked, smiling in excitement.

Grimmjow shrugged, looking off at something in the distance. He kicked out at a rock, mumbling to himself before replying, "I wasn't sure everyone should know."

Ichigo's smile faltered. He nodded in understanding before returning his attention to his laundry. The sun was bright, even as it began to set in the west. He squinted in the light, feeling the warmth baking his exposed flesh. "It feels nice."

"Hmmm?" Grimmjow hummed, looking up.

"The sun feels nice." Ichigo explained, washing his clothes.

"You don't get to feel it often, do ya?" Grimmjow realized, spreading his arms out to catch every ray.

"I can't remember if I'm sensitive to the light or he is." Ichigo said suddenly, his hands clawing at his soiled clothes. "Isn't that sad?"

"You're almost done." Grimmjow said, but it sounded as empty as it felt. Grimmjow knew that Ulquiorra's contract was different. He knew they had a different synergy than any other Master and shifter he'd met.

Graciously, Ichigo forgave the weak attempt and simply said, "Yeah."

Satisfied with the cleanliness, Ichigo strung his clothes over the branch of a nearby tree. "So," He called out. "Why are we going there?"

Grimmjow smiled, wondering how long Ichigo's eyes had been so brilliantly green and if the other shifter even knew it. "No reason."

"I wonder what everyone's up to." Ichigo mused happily, still tending to his clothes, oblivious to the Master's eavesdropping.

"Enough talking." Grimmjow said sharply. Ichigo looked at him in confusion but Grimmjow ignored it. "I'm taking a nap."

Ichigo nodded, watching Grimmjow streak across the field toward their little camp. "Don't take too long. The sun'll be down soon."

Grimmjow lifted his hand and waved, "Yeah, yeah. Got it."

…..

"Psst." Followed shortly with, "You awake?"

Ichigo moaned sleepily, rubbing a slender hand over his face. "Hmmm?"

"You awake?" Grimmjow repeated.

Ichigo's earthy brown eyes opened, his dark lashes fluttering delicately, "What's wrong?"

"Nothin'."

Ichigo nodded, his round, drowsy face snuggling back against his bedding. "Okay. Good."

Grimmjow laughed quietly, the sound husky and raw. "Come on. Wake up, Ichi…"

"Why?" Ichigo asked, his eyes meeting Grimmjow's.

"I don' know. I'm bored."

Ichigo nodded again, his hair curling at odd angles. "Go to sleep."

"I don' wanna." Grimmjow pressed, wriggling on the pallet beside Ichigo's. "I'm not tired."

"Blink really fast." Ichigo instructed, his voice slow and deep with grogginess. "You'll fall right to sleep."

Grimmjow was silent for a moment before exclaiming, "It's not working! Wake uuuuup, Ichiiiii!"

Ichigo sat up, glowering at Grimmjow with every ounce of energy he possessed. "Fuck you."

"Ah! You're awake!" Grimmjow teased, sitting up and crossing his legs beneath him. "Perfect."

"What time is it?" Ichigo asked, shielding himself from the light that filtered in through the cracks of the wooden boards.

"Don't know. Don't care." Grimmjow muttered, pulling his pack into his lap. He opened the bag, his hand searching blindly through it.

"It's too bright." Ichigo complained, falling back against his bedding.

"Here." Grimmjow announced, presenting Ichigo with a thick strip of dried meat. "Eat up and let's get moving."

"Don't wanna…" Ichigo groaned, taking the meat without hesitation. He gnawed on the dehydrated strip, yanking it over his canines to better tear the meat.

"It'll be worth it." Grimmjow breathed, staring at the door as if he could see through it.

Ichigo realized suddenly that Grimmjow was excited. He'd been antsy the whole night before, as if something was on his mind. He'd insisted on stopping at this inn, even though they still had hours of darkness left to travel. Suddenly Ichigo was suspicious. He couldn't stop the swirl of excitement from growing in his belly. "Why? What's going on?"

"I'm just bored." Grimmjow growled. "You're going to entertain me." The anticipation Ichigo felt had dissolved. He groaned loudly; chewing rudely, with his mouth open, in an attempt to annoy Grimmjow. Grimmjow only smiled. "That's nasty, Ichi."

"Don't care." Ichigo replied, finishing his breakfast.

"You're sure showin' me…" Grimmjow teased, knocking his knee against the side of Ichigo's thigh.

"I'd rather be sleeping." Ichigo confessed, chewing on his fingernails and pretending he'd never been excited.

"Get up." Grimmjow instructed curtly, jumping to his own feet.

"I swear to God, if you're taking me to get more clothes, I'll…"

"Just come." Grimmjow breathed out, offering his hand to Ichigo in assistance.

Ichigo took Grimmjow's proffered hand and was pulled quickly to his feet. Ichigo's heart pounded erratically and he felt a traitorous flush of color filling his cheeks. "Okay."

Grimmjow's body pressed against Ichigo's as he opened the door to their miniscule rented room. The door swung over Grimmjow's toes, the edge of the door still managing to brush against Grimmjow's body. Ichigo was thankful that they were too close for Grimmjow to properly see the scarlet stain in his cheeks. It was hard not to breathe in Grimmjow's scent at this proximity, and it made his head feel so heavy and hot.

The sun poured into the room flooding every inch with radiating warmth and light. Ichigo let out a small gasp, his forearm pressed tightly over his face as a shield. "Shit. Sorry," Grimmjow spat, drumming his fingers against the wall. "You'd think I'd remember at some point."

"It's okay…" Ichigo breathed out, the bright light nearly overwhelming him. "I'll adjust in a few minutes."

"Just… follow… me…" Grimmjow instructed, his hands wrapping around Ichigo's shoulders as he began to walk. "Just like this..."

Ichigo finally opened his eyes, staring at the ground. Grimmjow was in front of him, walking backward with his hands on Ichigo. Their feet were miraculously missing each other as they shuffled over the sand. Ichigo inhaled. Grimmjow's pleasant scent lingered, mixing with the overpowering scent of salt spray.

Blindly trusting Grimmjow, Ichigo was led over several rolling dunes of sand. He felt moisture in the breeze, tasted the salt in the air. Birds cried loudly overhead. The strange roaring wind drew close and Ichigo finally realized where they were. He dropped his arm from his face and squinted against the brightness.

"You!" Ichigo shouted, waves washing over his toes.

Grimmjow smiled crookedly, looking at Ichigo as if inspecting his work. Ichigo could only stare at the ocean, wide and blue and unending. And Grimmjow could only stare at Ichigo, flesh and bone and unspeakable wonder.

"It's the ocean…" Ichigo said, suddenly growing quiet. His hand covered his mouth, his brown eyes scanning the horizon. He looked to Grimmjow expectantly, "this isn't a dream, is it?"

"No. Not a dream." Grimmjow promised, his hands dropping from Ichigo's shoulders and resting at his sides.

"It's amazing." Ichigo finally managed to say, finally tearing his eyes away from the sea. He looked down at his feet, wriggling his toes in the wet sand.

"It's no Atlantis, but it's okay…" Grimmjow muttered, shoving his hands in the waist band of his pants.

"Oh, Grimmjow!" Ichigo exclaimed, leaping onto Grimmjow and wrapping around him. Grimmjow staggered under the sudden 'attack' but he managed to stay on his feet. Ichigo clutched him tightly, excitedly, his lips planting an unconscious kiss on Grimmjow's golden skin. "Let's swim!"

"Yeah. We can swim." Grimmjow agreed, looking at something far off as Ichigo released him.

Ichigo stripped quickly, leaving his clothes haphazardly on the shore. "The water is so…" Ichigo struggled for words. "Clear? Blue? Bright? I don't know."

"Yeah."

"Oh shit." Ichigo laughed, hopping up and down. "It's kinda cold though."

"You'll adjust."

Ichigo was waist deep before he realized Grimmjow was still on shore, "You coming?"

Grimmjow smirked, the sun glinting off his skin as if he were metal. "In a minute."

Ichigo folded down onto his knees, moving with the flow of the water. "It already feels warmer."

"Told ya." Grimmjow murmured, a fresh wave washing over his feet and between his legs.

"What are you doing?" Ichigo finally asked, salt water dripping from his hair.

"I don't know." Grimmjow admitted. "I…" Grimmjow hesitated. Suddenly he shook his head, his hair splaying around his head messily. He ripped his pants off hurriedly before running straight into the water. He jumped when the water hit his knee, smacking loudly down on his belly beside Ichigo. He stood easily, running his hands through his soaking hair. "It's nothing."

"Don't float away…" Grimmjow breathed out, seizing Ichigo by the scruff of his neck.

"I won't." Ichigo replied, blowing bubbles in the sea water.

"Don't drink that water. It'll make ya sick." Grimmjow murmured, treading in place.

Ichigo made an annoyed face but his face still flushed in embarrassed color. "I'm not."

"Ah shit." Grimmjow groaned, clutching his head. "I ain't ya daddy."

"Nope." Ichigo confirmed, letting salt water drip down his face and off his chin.

It was moments like this that their incredible age gap was most evident. Grimmjow had lived forever, in a way, and had seen and experienced so much already. And Ichigo, though nearly a century old, was just beginning. It was natural for an older shifter to be protective, but somehow it didn't quite fit with Grimmjow's image.

"We gonna swim or just float around?" Grimmjow asked, his arms flexing impressively.

"We should catch some fish for dinner." Ichigo suggested suddenly, looking through the clear water and down at his toes.

Grimmjow smiled approvingly, "Sure. I love fish."

"Bet you do, kitty kat." Ichigo teased good-naturedly.

"What? It's not… it's not because of that…" Grimmjow insisted. "It's because I'm from an island. Ya eat lots of fish on an island…"

"Course ya do." Ichigo nodded slowly, giving an exaggerated wink.

"I could drown you here." Grimmjow threatened, his voice gruff. "And no one'd even know."

"You could kill me in a town square and no one would give a shit." Ichigo pointed out, snorting out an awkward laugh. He stretched his arms above his head, moving as a wave rushed past. He arched his back, the sun warming the droplets on his skin. "I wouldn't mind so much, ya know. Dying here."

Grimmjow watched him intently; thankful that Ichigo's eyes were closed tightly. He gazed at his peach skin, kissed lightly by the sun. He took in his coppery hair, his thick, black lashes. He admired the way that Ichigo's shoulders and chest were sculpted and even lower… He couldn't tear his eyes away from the soft edges of Ichigo's handsome face. And then he cleared his throat, looking away, "Don't be fucking stupid. You're gonna live forever, Ichi."

Ichigo laughed easily. He waded through the water, further from the shore. He looked over his shoulder, and God, his smile was as brilliant as the sun, "You and I both know that's not true."

"What?" Grimmjow made a face. And then he recalled the reading Ichigo had received decades earlier. "You don't take that shit seriously, do you?"

"Why not?" Ichigo asked. "You and I both know magic is real."

Grimmjow cocked his head to the side in aggravation, "Sure. But that's a little…" Grimmjow shrugged, "unlikely."

Ichigo gestured with his hands, "We may never know. Or rather, we don't know yet."

"If I were to die right now, would you chase after me to the grave?" Grimmjow asked, a devilish look in his eye. "Would you risk your life to save mine? Isn't that what she said?"

"I bet I can catch more fish." Ichigo changed the subject, swimming deeper into the sea.

"Nah. Don't change the subject, Ichi-go. You brought it up…" Grimmjow snapped impatiently.

Ichigo's eyes softened, his tongue darting across his pink, full lips. "I don't think so."

"Well, see." Grimmjow nodded pointedly, sweeping his arm in gesture. "Nothing to worry about."

"You're wrong." Ichigo blurted. "It's worse this way!"

"How s-"

"I'm so mad at you! I'm still so mad at you! You completely fucked everything up!" Ichigo shouted. "I wouldn't die for you, you've lived long enough! You're selfish and unreliable and just such an asshole!"

"I…"

"But if she's right," Ichigo cut over Grimmjow's protestations. "That means that you're such a fucking monster that you make it worse! You actually… You…"

"You're mad at me for somethin' I haven't even done…?" Grimmjow snarled. "The hell is wrong with your head?"

"I'm going crazy!" Ichigo yelled even louder. "I just keep thinking about what it means and it pisses me off!"

"What does it mean?!" Grimmjow demanded, tossing his hands in the air powerlessly.

"She said," Ichigo's voice cracked. "She said I would never have a true love, or fall in love, or be in love… whatever she meant… She said I would die alone."

"She can't know that…"

"She said I would die, alone and unloved," Ichigo interrupted calmly. "And what pisses me off-" Ichigo paused, swallowing heavily. "If I die trying to save you…" Ichigo closed his eyes, covering them with his arm. "I would die for you and you, you can't even stay with me."

Grimmjow stared at Ichigo in stunned silence for a moment before finally managing to speak, "That's really unfair."

"I don't care." Ichigo replied, his arm still covering his face. "I've been thinking about it for seventy years now. So please…" Ichigo inhaled sharply, his shoulders visibly shaking. "Please don't say I'll live forever… as if… as if not even my life is enough to satisfy you…"

"I've never asked anything of you." Grimmjow replied, feeling the ocean between them growing larger and larger.

"I know." Ichigo breathed out.

"For God's sake. I just fuck everything up." Grimmjow spat, his fist pummeling the surface of the water. "It doesn't even matter what I do, does it? I'm just wrong because some Gypsy bitch said so."

"Can you sta-"

"Stop." Grimmjow interrupted harshly. "Just stop."

"Your word is better to me than hers." Ichigo called out, his hands curling into fists over his eyes. "If you could just promise me that you'd never lea-"

"Ya know what? I don't wanna fight." Grimmjow called out. "You're on. Let's see who can catch the most fish before sunset." Grimmjow smirked from ear to ear. "Ready?"

Ichigo dunked his head under the surface of the water. He popped back up, shaking his head wildly. Water rolled down his cheeks and off his chin. He nodded, his trembling lips held together tightly. He stretched his neck, popping his joints loudly before replying, "Ready."