Chapter 21

**The castle crumpled and fell into the water below as the ground underneath it gave way. Whoa… Jason made a bomb? Well, after beating death a bazillion times I guess he's allowed to move into 21-century terrorism like the rest of us… I was snapped out of my thoughts by something licking my elbow. Smella was licking chocolate off it. … Thank god Edmond isn't here to see this… Knowing how he thinks us two are the same person, he might get excited…

"Bella! Are you okay?!"

Aw, shit.**

Of course, technically I couldn't call her Smella anymore, seeing as she smelt like a normal person who had just been bathed in blood- ah, I mean, berry sauce. Tasty berry sauce. Edmond/Edward/Retard ran up to us, and get this- ran straight past me to Bella.

"Bella! I was so worried! I totally forgive you for everything, including permanently blinding me in one eye!" He enveloped Bella in a sickeningly sweet hug, while I stood to the side, dripping pathetically.

I winced as I heard her struggling for air in Edtards arms. Finally, he released her, and she fell to the ground at his now chocolate covered feet. Seeing how tasty they appeared, Bella began to lick the chocolate from the smelly and unhygienic toes. Why wasn't he wearing shoes?!

Never-the-less, I breathed a sigh of relief. At least Bella wasn't totally normal now. That would be like pigs flying!

At that moment, a pig flew overhead, flapping its puny bat wings furiously. Before Bella or Edward could see this, I threw a kunai at it, causing it to fall out of the sky in a smoking arc. I didn't want them to get any hope/ideas….

While this was happening, a figure emerged from the pall of smoke surrounding the wreckage of the Count's castle. It couldn't be… Oh wait, it wasn't Jason. Just Count Blackula. What a letdown. Although the smoke-streaked half-naked were-bat with saber-teeth protruding from his mouth was quite an interesting sight. Not an everyday occurrence, I can tell you.

When Jakobula reached our position, where Eddy was writhing on the ground in silent laughter as Bella licked his feet, he tore Edward out of the way, punched him in the jaw, and seized Bella.

He pressed up to her less-than-abundant-bosom, and growled in her face. "Bella, my lurve, how DARE you lick ze feet of a lower creature than I, your beloved Count Blackula!!" Bella stared blankly into his face, then giggled madly.

"The only woman for me is Edward, you silly! I'm a total lesbian!!" An awkward silence followed this statement; Jakobula stared dumbfounded into her face, I stopped trying to wipe my chocolate covered hands on the tree just so I could do the awkward turtle, and Edward lay unconscious on the ground, obviously greatly disturbed that Bella perceived him as a woman. Bella simply frowned in confusion.

"Whats wrong? We can still be friends can't we? Just because I'm having my baby with Edward doesn't mean you can't fall in love with it!" Jakobula abruptly dropped Bella, who had until that moment been hanging from his grip about four metres above the ground. I blinked in surprise as I tried to figure out when they got that high. Oh, that's right, it was when Jakobula started levitating in his righteous anger.

Of course, it was at this time that the moment just had to be interrupted by a random running away from the burning castle screaming and being hit by a car which then sped off a cliff and disappeared into the water below with the drivers head outside the window screaming "Woohoo!!!"

As we all stared blankly at the foamy waters where there was no longer a car, (or a driver), I came to my unlimited senses. This was the perfect opportunity! I pulled from my cleavage (within which I hid my unlimited arsenal) a broom stick. What the FUCK?! I thought to myself, throwing it to the side and reaching once more into my cleavage, this time pulling forth a blow-up-Edward-doll (that looked suspiciously like Michael Jackson) I had found on Ebay (don't ask, I don't know either). I tied it to a conveniently large stick with a convenient length of string that I had also found on Ebay for 12cents and an overly ripe tomato.

I then proceeded to hang the Edward-like lump of air and plastic in front of Bella's beaky nose. She instantly took the bait, launching towards it with an uncanny speed, much like that of a vicious snake striking towards its prey.

I threw the bait as far as my vampire-slaying-strength would allow, (1234 metres at my last count), and Bella flew after it on wings of adoration. Now that she was out of the equation, I didn't have to worry about accidentally killing her (which wouldn't really be such a tragedy now that I think about it, but it would be terrible for my T.V. ratings).

I drew my D.I.Y. catapult from my cleavage-arsenal, and assembled it quickly and efficiently. I grabbed a bucket of silver forks, poured them into the catapult, aimed it in the general direction of Count Lame-ula and his painted abs, and let it fire. They flew true, eight of them striking his groin, the other twelve embedding themselves in his face. Blood poured from his minor wounds, orange and green, dripping messily down his torn clothing.

"GYAAAAAARRRGGGHH..." Blackula screamed in horrific agony, before realizing that there was actually no pain at all, dying anyway for the heck of it. He melted into a puddle of orangey-green goo.

Chuckling evilly to myself, I found a conveniently placed bag of garlic anointed stakes, loaded them into the catapult, and aimed them at the pitiful vampire kneeling in shock on the ground (but still laughing for some reason). I did not hesitate. "FIRE!!" I screamed, "YEAH, DIE BITCH!!"

And then the great and mighty Buffy slayed Edtard, the end.

Okay, I wish that was true, but there is still at least another chapter to go, so unfortunately before I could do my victory dance, Carlisle leaped forth from a moving cranberry bush I had failed to notice and jumped in front of my flying stakes-of-death, protecting Edward from becoming impaled. As he fell to the ground, he let out a delayed war cry, "OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO" and collapsed into a heap of blood on the ground.

"FATHER!!" screeched Edward, grasping Carlisle's hand. "NOOOOOO!"

Carlisle, who was beyond being able to hear Edwards high-pitched squeal, moaned in pain. "Edward," He gasped, "I must confess something, now, at this moment, right now, before I die, there is no time to lose, I can already feel myself slipping away, my ovaries shriveling, my face becoming less-than-perfect, I honestly must tell you now, not later, at this exact point in time, RIGHT THIS SECOND!! %$^!%*&#$$$^%&&)()*&(#&^. The truth is, I am madly in love with Esme, my wife… Also, I have committed many sins that I must now confess to.

"When I was 10, before I became a vampire, I was ugly. Its true. And look at my now shriveling body! Still a sexy beast, no? Also, last week I used your tooth brush, to clean the toilet, and I didn't clean it afterwards. Oops. I know I should have told you, but I was more concerned about the fact that I had hidden rabid squirrels in your bed, as an attempt to compensate for my small penis…

"Yes, I'm sorry, my penis is smaller than even yours Edward, impossible though it seems. It really is quite cute~ But anyways. That time when I made you a birthday cake? It was made with dead rats, not love. I lied. Rats are tastier than love, and I was shocked that you were stupid enough to believe me. Love tastes kinda like peas to be honest, its gross, I hate peas.

"On that note, Edward!" Carlisle gasped for air. "I… Am… Your… Uncle… Your true father was………………………………………………………………. Rosalie.." With that shocking revelation, Carlisle chose that moment to die unspectacularly. He then exploded, showering Edward and I with the contents of his stomach.

I was still a little dumbfounded, worrying about the implications of Rosalie fathering a child as hideous as Edworm, before deciding that now would be a good time to run away before Edward started bawling. I just knew that the high pitched whine would pierce my eardrums like a hot knife through wet paper.

Thats the right saying, isn't it? Oh well. It'll do. We're nearly at the end of the chapter anyways, so no-one will notice unless I mention it which I just did.

Hmm. (I lost the game Tree-Man! MWAHAHAHA).

You know, as I ran away, I pondered the fact that we needed another 100 words to finish this chapter. How did I know I was in a story anyway?! This is so screwed -_-' Maybe I was high again…

And thats when I saw it! The flying carp fish...

Oh! No! Wait, it was a giggling vampire! But who?

Oh no…

Oh please no...

It was...

DRACULA!!

hahaha, no, kidding, it was just Esme.