The Power/Bust Theory
"Aha!" Matsu cried out excitedly, instantly garnering the attention of all present. "Matsu-tan has it! She has discovered the reason!"
I blinked at the proclamation, and paused in the act of drying off a dish.
"What did you find out?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
"The reason for small breasts!" The hacker announced triumphantly.
There was a sudden crashing sound, and it took a moment before everyone realized it was because I had dropped the dish I had been drying a moment earlier. They ignored it, however, in favour of Matsu's ground-breaking discovery.
"Eeeh?" Musubi gasped, radiating awed surprise. "Musubi always wondered about that!"
"Ara?" Miya perked, smirking mirthfully. "I think Matsu-san has been using her time on useless things."
"W, what the hell kind of research are you doing?" Tsukiumi blustered, trying in vain to stop herself from blushing.
"Oh, I have to hear this." Uzume said, somehow materializing a bucket of pop-corn from nothing.
My flock each expressed varying degrees of interest and mortification each in their turn. Blushes appeared on all of them, (with the exception of Kuu-chan, who seemed more perplexed at why everyone was making such a fuss than interested, and Kazehana. Though I suspected the only reason she didn't do so was because of her intrinsic lack of shame.) though they all watched with rapt attention as Matsu suddenly whipped out a stack of drawings and charts and arranged them on a stand.
I frowned, a question springing to mind.
"Where did you get those cards from?" I asked, as I hadn't noticed any of them until now.
"Don't bother me with frivolous questions, Shirou-tan!" Matsu admonished loudly, and struck a pose next to the first of her presentation cards. "It's time I presented the fruits of my labours!"
It said "The Smart And Sexy Matsu-Tan's Glorious 'Power To Bust-Size Ratio' Theory!" along with what looked like a chibi-Matsu striking a victory pose.
The gathering of Sekirei 'ooh'ed and 'ahh'ed, though certain members were having trouble containing either their laughter or complete and utter mortification.
I, for my part, simply stared in open-mouthed shock at the scene that was unfolding before my eyes.
"To start with, Matsu should begin by saying that she has noticed something about powerful women!" Matsu continued enthusiastically, and snapped away the first presentation card.
Which revealed what I can only call a wall of breasts.
Big ones. Small ones. Modest ones. Gargantuan ones. Perky ones. Sagging ones. If there was a particular size and shape a breast could have, it was represented on that card.
Luckily for Matsu, they were all decently covered. I do not want to think of what Miya would have done to the playful hacker if she had flashed such a creation in front of Kuu-chan.
"Behold!" Matsu commanded, and I am certain that we were all too surprised at what we were seeing to do anything but that. "I have meticulously arranged each of these mammaries in proportion to size, and I have discovered something of vital importance!"
Despite myself, I felt my gaze dragged away from that bizarre presentation towards Matsu, who grinned triumphantly.
"The more powerful they are, the bigger their breasts are!" She said loudly.
Silence was the first reaction. And then, almost shamefacedly, there was a series of furtive glances around them room. Musubi even went as far as to cup hers and then Akitsu's in order to better compare.
"Oho, what an interesting theory, Matsu-san." Miya said with a chuckle, holding a hand up to her mouth to hide her smirk. "But are you so sure you've thought of everything?"
I'm certain that Miya meant for that remark to be an ominous warning and not a challenge. Matsu, it seemed, chose to instead interpret it as the latter.
"Ufufufu, of course I have, Miya-tan!" Her hand snapped back her presentation, and showed the next card.
Which displayed a grim Miya, a grinning Karasuba and a photograph of me, Saber and Rin. There was a red circle drawn around the busts of all the women in those pictures, along with zoomed-in pictures of the area in question below each photograph.
"Wait, where'd you find that picture?" I ask, full of indignation. It was bad enough that Matsu was using them for her perverted little side-project, but just where had she gotten it from?
"Matsu-tan found it in your room when she was looking around there for things that might tell her more about him. Now stop asking frivolous questions!" Matsu answered quickly and without a trace of regret. "As we can see here, there is clearly a flaw in my theory as it is! The strongest Sekirei we know of also have modest-sized busts, which is not in line with my earlier thesis! Also, Shirou-tan's lovers from England are almost flat as pancakes! For the longest time, the reason for this eluded Matsu-tan! However!"
She flipped to the next card, which showed a line-chart that showed a steady increase in height before suddenly dropping off, with 'x' being power and 'y' being bust-size. Interspersed along the chart were marks that connected to various pictures. Kuno, Musubi, Kazehana, Miya and Saber each appeared at various stages along the chart.
"It was at this point that Matsu discovered the Un-busty cliff!"
Silence greeted this proclamation. And then...
"The 'un-busty cliff'?" Homura said, deadpan. "What kind of a dumb name is that?"
"Do not mock my theory!" The light gleamed ominously off of Matsu's glasses, and a moment later a narrow metal rod appeared in her hand as she slapped it against the chart. "This clearly shows a drop-off point of bust sizes amongst the most powerful of women! But that is not enough! They must also be in charge of those around them! They must be the alpha-females!"
"This is ridiculous," Homura began, shaking his head. "Matsu, why don't you just-"
"My theory is conclusively proven by Homura's boob growth!" Matsu declared authoritatively, making an elaborate gesture out of point at the man in question. "Ever since the power scales have shifted and Homura was no longer the most powerful Sekirei, his breasts have steadily become bigger!"
"W-w-w-w-what are you talking about?" Homura screamed in indignation and embarrassment, crossing his arms across his chest and wriggling from side to side in his distress. "I don't have any breasts!"
Nobody seemed to believe his impassioned negation, however.
"Oooh, so that's why Homura-san likes to take his baths alone! Musubi always knew there was a reason!" The exuberant young woman exclaimed.
"Ahh!" Uzume cried out, pointing at Homura. "It's like a reverse Crying Game!"
"This is nothing like that at all!" Homura cried out. "Stop making things up! I'm not a woman!"
"Ufufufu, don't bother trying to hide it, Homura-tan!" Matsu said, giving her trademark lecherous laugh. She reached behind her back, and it came back with a DVD that seemed to give off a sinister shine. "Matsu has seen the evidence!"
"Hah! 'Not like that' my behind!" Kazehana laughed. "I thought something was going on with you, Homura-chan."
"It's not, I-I'm not, I don't- erraagh!" Homura gave up his losing battle to properly express his horror and indignation, and instead simply collapsed onto the table, hiding his head in arms.
"But wait," Uzume said, frowning slightly. "If your theory is right, then that would mean that there would have to be someone with small breasts winged to bro. But only Kuu-chan..."
As one, each Sekirei in Izumo house slowly turned to look at Kusano with a contemplative look. (Except for Homura, who was too busy crying into his sleeves to do so.)
"Onii-chan, why is everyone acting so weird?" Kusano asked, confused.
I had no answer for that. I had no answer for any of this. It was all so wrong...
But the moment of contemplation ended soon enough, with each member of my flock (save Kuu-chan, of course,) shaking their head vehemently.
"No, there's no way she's in charge." Kazehana said, sounding a bit shaken up.
"Yeah, that's just not right."
"Musubi is confused..."
"Of course Kuu-chan isn't the dominant female!" Matsu declared authoritatively, and planted a foot on the table and pointed skyward in order to demonstrate just how serious she was. "The one who dominates us all, the one who we do not hesitate to obey is, without question..."
The hacker's finger snapped back down, pointing back to someone who was even now watching the proceedings with a small smile.
"Ara," Miya began, closing her eyes and tilting her head to the side. "I'm glad that you have such respect for me, but I don't thi-"
"Clearly Miya is the most powerful Sekirei in this household!" Matsu continued over Miya's light refutation. "Therefore, it is only fitting that her breasts are the smallest!"
"Perhaps you should-" Miya tried again, sounding a bit less patiently indulgent than before.
"Her relatively small breasts, when compared to ours, make her stand out all the more! Her petit frame sets her apart from all the buxom amazons around her!"
Darkness flooded outwards from Miya like a wave, and from that sea of darkness emerged a swarm of malevolent masks
"Calling me small, in any way, is strictly forbidden." Miya growled out, smiling a terrifying smile that would have put Rin to shame.
I had never seen Miya so angry before.
Matsu, apparently having taken leave of whatever sanity and survival instincts she possessed, continued on.
"The only thing Miya-tan needs to do to perfect her role is wing herself to Shirou- ack!"
The last of what she was about to say was swiftly silenced as Miya whipped out her sword and knocked Matsu out with the still-sheathed blade.
And thank goodness for it too. My bed was already more than crowded enough.