"Maureen? Are you off the phone yet?" I spun around to see my mother standing in the doorway with a plate of cookies. What the fuck? It's like I've entered the twilight zone or something…
"Um…yeah. What's all this?" I gestured to the plate in her hands. She indicated that I should sit on the couch, and she sat in a chair, which was positioned across the coffee table from the sofa that I had flopped down on.
"Oh…I…uh…was wondering if we could have sort of a heart to heart." Again, what the fuck? What is this? Pleasantville? Even through the commercially accepted suburban ways that my mother had adopted, and the softness she was attempting which contrasted sharply with her conservative principles and stoicism.
"Um…sure." I could tell that she was embarrassed by her Hallmark impression of family bonding, but I could also see the longing in her eyes. This is something that we have never attempted before. It will be weird for you, Maureen, but try not to blow it. Of course, should you blow it…she isn't a part of your life anymore.
"You seem to have…um…gained some weight." I blushed, and didn't know what to say. She clearly could tell that something was not right, but I didn't want to spring that on her right away. I didn't want to cause a scene right off the bat, however I had to say something.
"Yeah. I had a baby…" She looked puzzled, knowing that Joanne and I had gotten together again, obviously, since I had called her, but she didn't pry. She was clearly trying as hard as I was to keep things civil. I offered a little bit more information. "She's beautiful…just had her a few days ago, actually…and I should have gone back home to her…her name's Marcie." My mother looked increasingly uncomfortable, not knowing what I had run away from, or why I was back. I got the impression that she could tell the child was Mark's, or was at least suspicious, so I came right out and said it, which caused me to break down in tears. This was where the line was drawn. Physical closeness and embraces and comfort were awkward in my home, not very frequent occurrences, though when I was younger, she would hold me when I cried. After ten years, though I knew that she could forgive me, she was more than hesitant to hold me. I need Marky…he knows how to make me feel better…I've got to get out of here! "Mom, this has been great, but I have to go…"
"But honey…"
"I'll call. We can catch up another time. Now is really not a good time." I ran out of the house as fast as my legs could carry me, not looking back to see the hurt and heartbreak on my mother's face…and I ran. The next thing I knew, I was sitting on a bus, in Scarsdale, at midnight. I stood up, getting off of the bus in a daze, partly groggy from having been sleeping, exhausted from the depth of my emotion, and just plain out of it. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Mark's parents' house. I threw a rock at his window, and continued until I saw the light in his room go on. He stuck his head out of the window angrily, probably forgetting that he was in a quiet suburb as opposed to the noisy city, which we were all so accustomed to. When he saw me, he looked scared. Great, here come the waterworks again. I started sobbing, but sleep deprivation and exhaustion slowly began to take over, and I started to feel lightheaded, and since I was sobbing, unable to breathe properly and regain composure. I was vaguely aware of Mark's arms wrapping around me as I slipped into unconsciousness.
I awoke the next morning in Mark's childhood bed, seeing that he had set up a Snoopy sleeping bag on the ground. Aww. I realized that he was awake and had been watching me sleep. He blushed deeply when I caught him, and came and sat on the edge of the bed.
"Hey Maureen. How do you feel?" He looked truly concerned.
"I'm okay I guess. Because I have you." He blinked, puzzled. "Marky, why'd you leave us?" He sighed and lay down beside me.
"I was making life hard for you. And I couldn't stand to watch Collins die…"
"Eleven fifty-eight Thursday night." His eyes started to tear up, and suddenly he was lost in sobs like a child, burying his face in my chest. A few tears escaped the corners of my eyes, but I held him tightly being the strong one for once. After a long while, he recovered and pulled back.
"I didn't want to complicate things between you and Joanne. And I wanted you to get mad me like you did April, hate me, think that I was out of the picture…I didn't think that I would be missed." Hearing him say these words made my heart sink, throb. A sob escaped from my control, and he reached out a hand, touching my face, looking at me questioningly.
"Marky…you mean so much more to me than I could ever express to you. I am so sorry for continuing to mistreat you and not showing my love for you…but I needed you. Especially after Collins died…suddenly I had no lifeline—you and Collins were the only two people I could confide in. Then Joanne felt alienated because I have a hard time telling her things…Marky…please come back. You have to see Marcie…she's beautiful…it killed me that you weren't there…oh God Mark…I can't function without you…you're my best friend! You scared me…all of us." I moved away from him, tears spilling down my face. A look of pain, anger, and longing crossed his face.
"I don't know if that's enough, Maureen. I love you, but it's so hard for me to be satisfied with being your 'lifeline', as you say. And I don't want to watch everyone else die, except you and Marcie…you named her Marcie?" At this realization, his whole disposition softened.
"It's symbolic of her connection to you. A little piece of you that I can hold on to…like she is for you…please…she needs her father…we all need you." He looked away from me, and pulled me closer, hearing the pain in my voice, touched by the sentimental gesture of naming her after him.
"Maureen…you should leave." As if my phone agreed, it rang at that precise moment. Shit. Joanne. I answered it quickly, telling her I was leaving immediately.
"Yeah. I guess I should…but I don't want to leave not knowing when I will next get to see you…if you will ever see your daughter…"
"Maureen, I don't know if I can stand to see her being brought up by you and Joanne…"
"You'll always be her father. Nothing will change that. I want you to be that for her. You will be an amazing father, I know it…but first we need you to come back…she needs you."
"I think just need some time to sort things out."
"Don't stay away too long…or I'll have to come back." I pouted, pleading with him wordlessly to return with me, letting him know that I hadn't meant what I said, that I needed him now.. He looked torn.
"No. It will only lead to more heartbreak. It isn't fair to you."
"How so?"
"Fine. Maybe it's only unfair to me. You shouldn't have come out here. Going back wouldn't be good for me. Seeing our daughter and wondering what might have been if I were somehow different, better. If I were enough for you. It was selfish to leave, even though I let myself believe it was for you. I didn't want to face reality." I got the impression that he didn't mean what he was saying entirely, knowing that I still had power over him, and I knew that he wanted to see her…he wanted to raise her. I looked into his eyes, showing him my desperation, seeing his longing, knowing he wanted to not only make me happy (as he always did) and see Marcie, he wanted to get the out of this hellhole called Scarsdale.
"So will you come back with me?" I made puppy dog eyes at him, and a couple of tears actually managed to escape from my eyes. The hole in my heart that his absence paired with Collins' death had caused was unbearable, and beyond just being selfish, I really needed him in my life. He was in many ways my other half, and I depended on him more than I would ever admit, in a platonic way, even though our relationship was unconventional. Everything about my life was unconventional, and Joanne was finally getting used to the idea. God, I have to get home to talk to her. Maybe it will be easier for me now that Mark is back…I hope.
"Alright. Just…don't tell them about this." He sounded defeated, but simultaneously somehow relieved. I promised, and we walked to the train station in silence, after taking some money from the coffee can on the refrigerator and leaving a note for Mark's parents, saying he had decided it was time to leave.
From the author: I don't know how I feel about this chapter...opinions? Please review--tell me if it sucks, too. You better review, or I might not update...muahaha :)