A/N: Thank you for staying with me this far. I know many of you would have liked me to post more quickly; each chapter takes its time unraveling. This one was no exception. I find the story sort of speaks to me in bursts, Edward whispering over my shoulder, and in this chapter, though it may be a bit shorter on word count, I think you'll find he had a lot to say. For those of you who reviewed faithfully, this chapter is for you.
I would be remiss if I didn't give a thank you to my faithful and kind beta, Mr. Bigg. Thank you for inspiring me and pushing me onward; for listening with compassion while I sniveled about being 'stuck', and for forcing me back to the drawing board once I had my big boo hoo. I mean it when I say, I couldn't do it without you.
Recap of Chapter 20: Edward and Bella reunite sexually in the meadow. They sit together, still physically joined, talking about Bella's recovery and Edward's fear of losing her when they start to make love again. Edward sees crimson as he hears Jacob and Leah approaching the opposite side of the meadow. Edward covers Bella with his shirt, and runs naked to talk to Jacob, trying to keep Bella's nakedness secret. Jacob agrees to go, but when Edward returns, Bella's already gone, fleeing in her embarrassment. Edward races to where she is just as she falls backward onto a shed antler. Her lung and heart were compromised in the fall, so Edward bites her to try to save her.
Crimson
Bella writhed in pain, but no sound escaped her; her eyes did not open. Her hot hands that had been my tether and my release, fell listlessly to her sides as her body sagged to limpness. Warm wetness flowed through my fingers. I jerked my hand from her back, only to find it covered in blood. Her blood.
"Bella! Bella! Can you hear me?" I shook her shoulders, trying in desperation to rouse her. Nothing changed, save the slowing of her heartbeat, her life ebbing away. I flipped her over, tearing her blouse away from the blood-frothed, gaping wound. The thirst gnawed at my resolve, threatening to consume me, but panic kept that monster at bay. No, I would not allow it. Her sweet, sweet blood pulsed and dribbled from the gory hole, a hideous mockery of my need. Venom pooled in my mouth reflexively; I sucked my teeth, puddling the poison around my tongue, then pushed the toxic contagion forward, flooding the gore with my venom.
It would not hold. The pulse of her dying heart splattered blood through the venom; the wound was deep. I covered the wound with my mouth, pushing the poison forward, pulling the blood away. Urgency lit my nerves, stole my breath, dulling my senses, but still the sweetness of her blood tore down my defenses, ripping at my restraint. I could not cease; Bella's existence depended on my strength to change her before her wounds took her away from me. Every physical aspect of my love laid manifest before me, here, in this dying girl. The blood bubbled forth without fail; I pushed the pooled venom more deeply, listening to her heart, staunching the flow by drinking. The ambiguity warred within me: I poisoned her, fed on her, all for her salvation. The warmth of her withering blood flowed down my body, perversely arousing me through the frantic pace to save her. I fought the reprehensible need, focusing my strength and effort on Bella.
She did not stir. She barely breathed. The beat of her heart slowed like the rhythm of a dirge fading into the mist. She lay limp and dead in my arms as regret and remorse warred with reproach within me, as I gaped at her beauty lying breahtless in my arms. Even in death, she was beyond compare. Breathe, Bella, please. I was too late; these were her final moments, shattered as she perished, and I, I could do nothing to save her, nothing to heal her. I hung my head in resignation and surrender, sighing and seizing her to my chest, our final touch, our last embrace, inhaling deeply the final sweet scent that had been my Bella.
The ambrosial air filled my senses and suddenly, without warning, the cosmos pitched and tilted, and bathed in a crimson kaleidoscope, I was no longer of this world. The scent itself was irresistible, beckoning, love and desire swirling around me in a blood-red haze. Horrorstruck, my eyes were wide, witnessing nothing, unable to rationalize the burgundy sight before me; time became meaningless. My wife, my breath, my Bella, her skin pink beneath the glaze, still save the last few beats of her dying heart, arrhythmic and labored, a red balloon trailing behind her in defeat, my defeat, my failure, my inability to keep her safe, to keep her warm, the taste of her blood so intoxicating so hypnotic, sanguinary and sensual, yet for all my struggles in titian light, I could not warm her I could not protect her I could not save her, losing the battle before it was begun, before she was begun, her life so small and so fragile and so short, too short, escaping down a dark brick tunnel away from me, my stone body now hard, traitorous, erect, wanting, abhorrent, tasting as she is lost to me by my own doing, I failed, I failed to protect her from this panicked scarlet from the bloody mantle that now hid her light, her brightness, her fire, now stealing her birthright her life, her everything, taking her away from me away down the red path as her life bled away, away away always away from me never toward something, something better for her, something… something she could live for not something to die for like today,something to live for, to strive towards, something to look to, they search, They're around… but I search for you, your love, through the rufescentfog They're over here, Carlisle! I shout from the rooftops but there is no response Tell Emmett! Over here! Oh Carlisle, hurry, Bella, come back to me she's hurt! And something… something is terribly wrong with Edward. her taste, her blood, son cœur sacré sur le chemin sanglant, running Lift them up, We'll take them back to the Jeep. Is he all right, Carlisle? He's not moving and barely breathing.. away from embarrassment, away from me falling into the arms of death, her death, her bright crimson death that funneled around me, plunging me to the spiraling depths Lift him gently, I can't do this alone I think he's traumatized and in shock. there is no answer without you Put her over here, Alice, no future get the gauze – no salve for my wounds without oh, thank you, yes there's no sense in stitching, without you I am garnet scarred and unhealed it's already beginning to close insanity taking its hold, my sanity Pick her up carefully, lost she's still human only barely holding on but only barely alive. I remain here in this meadow We need to get back to the house as soon as beside you we can. We're going to have to think of something forever, my love, my love to tell Charlie. my Bella as she drifts her heartbeat failing, fading Let's get them to the house I will remain with you and get them separate from you cleaned then. Edward, try to hold on, son. Detached from my mind, lost in the bloodshot nightmare of the weapon stabbing her lung and heart, her sweet heart, pumping scarlet fire from the depths of her soul, the life she gave to me for protection, the life I let slip away and wither, the love I gave and lost, I love thee, I love but thee, my Bella, my sweet heart, dripping through my careless fingers like blood-drenched sands in the hourglass of life, the life together we will never have, the family she will never fully know because I waited, my own misgivings, garnet regret, taking over what could have saved her, what could have kept her here with me, beside me, close to me, They just picked up and left, Charlie. part of me, you lips against mine Right. your hand Eloped. in mine, together I think they didn't want all the fuss of a big wedding is all. your heart Didn't Edward ask you? next to mine I can't say I'm really to hear you breathe happy about it either – I had big plans my name, say it for the wedding. Mm, what? to hear you say it again Really, you want to do that? Well maybe we could I could live again, never hearing more arrange something when they get back. than that word I really hadn't thought about it. I am a selfish creature, I want nothing less than all of you, nothing more than you beside me Will you call Renee, or should I? forever, ever single day of forever No, I can do it, Charlie… all to myself Really? In my arms Oh loving Charlie, laughing that'd be great. I'm just so until you were exhausted worn out from all the excitement. clutching her now through the unstaunched insignificance left to me, I will not let go, eyes look your last, feel my body burn for you my Bella my love my beating heart, my everything, lost lost lost marooned in this life, leaving me empty, useless, wrestling with my own defeat, flagellating my sins, my vanity, my loss, my downfall, doubt thou the stars are fire, my love, come back to me She's still as stone, Carlisle, return my love but her heart is still beating. I'm not sure what it all means. Do you know? Bella please come back to me I've never actually seen save me, love before a vampire lose his mind, from this torturous path though I'd had my suspicions quite a few times. this well-worn path of guilt and regret This is new territory for all of us. save me Once her wounds healed, heal me I had hoped he would snap out of it. your smile, your laugh, your warmth, your love, I need you, I have never needed you more than this moment as crimson regret slips through my fingers, staining me with your life, your sweet blood, I savor each moment and reject each taste, each sweet and ambrosial nectar, your warmth where are you I can't feel you there my Bella, the red has blotted my sight, I am blinded without your love to shine, please come back to me, I am alone and lost Try talking to him. don't leave me here with this festering failure, this desolate incarnadine world without hope without love without you I can't go on without you, Hang on, bro. You can make it through this. I won't go on without you, I will watch the world unravel and spin and dissolve, bleeding into nothingness, where is my place now, fettered and shackled to a land of crimson loneliness and desolation, where is my purpose with you gone, what use forever if there is no love, no you, I am lost, I can hear them Edward, can you hear me, son? but nothing is worth hearing if it is not you I hear them Bella's still alive. but I cannot move, I cannot, will not leave your side, never again, the taste of your blood is fresh in my mouth, disgusting monster that I am What do you see, Alice? I rejoice in the feast and Are they going to be okay? remorse in the loss, never heeding as your too short life trails away, a deflating red balloon broken and dying, lofting to the ground, cover me cover me with your love, bury me beneath earth as long as I am at your side, beside you, never to leave, only then, only then can I know peace, only then can I be fulfilled but never happy, never again to feel the joy of your smile, your blush, the taste of your skin, the hot wetness of your love, doubt that the sun doth move, your soft tongue, your words, your thoughts are too interesting, I could never stay away, never let you leave, though I tried to deny your beauty, your mesmerizing lips, your captivating thoughts, you always fascinated me, the unexpected blush, the rubicund pucker of your mouth, always too beautiful, much too beautiful I could not stay away What do you mean, he hasn't decided? I am a fool, I am a failure, I could not keep you from damaging yourself, What is there to decide? I wanted to save you from yourself, save you for me, for us, together, why didn't I change you sooner, why didn't I listen to Alice, Edward now you're gone, death where is thy sting, gone, slipping away please try to hold on empty hollow, the ruby nothingness Make up your mind to hold on all that is left to me, empty as the words, Everything will be all right if you just decide to hold on doubt truth to be a liar leaving me lost in this world of crimson regret, grieving without words without song without the music that had been the weak replacement of my soul, now there is nothing, I have nothing, I am nothing, nothing without you and you are gone, where is my love where is my life, my light Edward, I can feel your confusion, brother oh sweet Bella, save me from this nightmare It will pass, I swear it I want to be strong Feel my words I want to be strong for you Edward, fight but I am so lost without you, without your love I am nothing, nothing withoutyou love, your love, I need your love to live, I cannot bear the ruddy agony of life alone another day, another minute, another moment, solitude damns me, my long existence torture without you, pain I cannot endure, pain I have endured all my life until you, sweet Bella, my wife, my love, my beating heart Edward with a love that shall not die never doubt I love remember Bella You have to hold on remember your promise, your promise to me, till the sun grows cold and the stars grow old Bella will come back to you, Edward I am yours and no other, I love but thee, so dear I love, you spoke these words to me, do not abandon me, my love, rise again I've seen it, Edward. Hear my thoughts speak those words of our troth, be my beloved, oh Bella, forgive me, do not die, See what I see tarry with me, with you, all deaths I could endure, without you, live no life, Then you'll know what I know I know no magic to bring you back, save the vow you spoke to me, these words you gave to me, are they meaningless as I am now, are they puce putrefaction, soil on my bloody tongue, forgive me my sweet, forgive my absence that let such a fate befall you, come back to me, curse me, hate me, but do not leave me, I cannot endure, I will not endure, save me, Bella, my safe haven, shelter me from the storm but you are lost to the wind Edward? Look! thrown asunder from me and lost See? drowning Bella's looking better, honey that first kiss Please come back to us. that first breath of your scent I just don't know what I'll do your scent my undoing, your scent my protector, I have remained under your spell, your slave and I remain so even in your death You're really upsetting everything and everyone unmovable I know you can hear me unreachable, stuck in the magenta mire of silence, confined and strangulated, tormented for the loss of you, aching to hold you, lost alone in a love day, anguish blazing down my nerves, never to love again left to mourn and Edward, son, she breathes meander in the chaos of this world without you she's changing devoid of love without you to teach me You haven't lost her, son, listen to me there are no words, no healing for this scarlet sadness leaving me without voice, without will, without, never to sing again where is the music what is its worth without you in this dahlia gloom where are you my angel, my sweet love my one my only my everything
"Edward?"
I could not move. I knew that voice, though it carried a timbre I'd never heard before.
"Edward, I'm here. Come back to me."
My lips trembled. "Bella?" I searched the room as sight returned and focus took hold. "Bella?"
From the foot of the table where I lay, the heavens opened and an angel sang. "Yes, Edward. It's me. We made it."
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