AN - Again, not as funny as some... more sardonic than cracky... but I guess humor is where you find it (and hopefully you'll find it here)

Azog vs a Disturbing Trend

Azog paced the confines of his apartment, trying to figure out how to tell Fili what he had found. If he had been concerned before by the fictional trends, the orc was now distraught. The current fiction that had caused him so much torment was a 127 chapter piece entitled "Kili's unforeseen ordeal." (still in progress)

He had to admit that the writing itself was sound and the author had potential, his creative writing class had taught him that much, but (and it was a very big 'but') their choice of story line was, by far, the most disturbing he had seen to date.

It started simply enough with the dratted quest to take back Erabor (how could Gandalf think that was a secret he'd never know), but the first unforeseen ordeal Kili faced was in the form of Bilbo. (who could dream of doilies being used in such a… debauched way?)

Then, the entire company of dwaves, (minus Fili and Thorin) had decided to punish Kili for 'losing the horses' and the rest of them almost being eaten by trolls.

Then came the wargs, Radagast and the elves in quick succession, and that was just the first five chapters. Things had gotten worse since then—and now he was on his 15th chapter with Azog in full defiler mode.

He simply couldn't take it anymore. And then he'd made the worst discovery to date. No, Fili had to do something about this—he couldn't do it alone.

He waited until the lads had settled down for the night, and he again borrowed Kili's netbook to work on his homework assignment (He'd been using Kili's netbook since his uncle was still in the process of replacing the one he'd destroyed)

His first attempt to get Fili alone was a complete failure since the brothers seemed closer than ever. And so instead of giving dire warnings to the elder nephew of Thorin Oakenshield —they ended up making 'hot and evil hors 'd'vours' for a party he was catering.

The second attempt resulted in chocolate sundaes set up for the poker game, and the third a very special batch of pico de gallo.

"Az," Kili warned. "I know the current assignment isn't really your thing, but if you keep procrastinating like this, you're going to fail the class."

"Don't remind me," Azog sighed. (Writing deep emotional breakdowns between long lost siblings who haven't seen each other after a major family falling out many years ago was so not his thing, and editing it to give it more… 'emotional 'uhmf'' as definitely not his style), but this took precedence. If only he could get Kili to run an errand, or get involved in his video game, but alas—Azog needed the lad's computer for his assignment.

Then he smiled. "Kili... you might like to know that Return of the King is on TNT… I need to talk to your brother and get some insight into … the dynamics of being an older brother," he paused looking up at the elder Durin. "That is… if Fili doesn't mind?"

When the brother's exchanged looks at Fili gave one of his arched eyebrows 'smug' looks Azog knew they'd seen through his 'clever ploy' to get Fili alone, but at least he was getting what he needed.

To his relief Kili parked himself in front of the tv and Fili gestured towards Azog's office.

"Az," Fili said as he plunked into one of the chairs. "What has you up in a tizzy, and don't tell me it's the class assignment."

"Well… it … sort of is… "

"Out with it."

"Well… You know I'm using your brother's computer, right?"

Fili nodded. "And well… I wanted to check and see if I could find a good example in fanfiction, I mean—deep emotional stuff is some of the fiction they do best and I thought I could get some pointers."

"That was your first mistake."

"Tell me about it," Azog sighed. "Any way… I found this story… it's got the biggest following I've ever seen and it has everything, smut, hurt/comfort/angst… the whole gambit but… it was…"

"Az, you've got to stop doing this to yourself. It's not real. It's people 'borrowing us' and having everything they want to see happen, happen, and in most cases, they want to see the aftermath- the comfort part. So things have to happen in order for the comfort to begin…"

"127 chapters of 'things' happening to Kili?"

"Even 127 chapters of 'things' happening to Kili," Fili assured him. "You can't take this stuff seriously."

"Uhm… well… in this case… " Azog began hesitantly.

"What?" Fili asked in frustration. "Out with it already..."

"Chapter 128 is in your brother's 'Works In progress' folder.