Blood, Sweat, and Tears
Pairings: HP/SS, SB/RL
Rated: NC-17 (For FFnet purposes, strong M)
Category: Romance, H/C, Drama/Angst, First Time (Slightly AU for future, and Sirius' being alive. Completely ignores HBP and DH due to the fact that I'm lazy and started writing this before they came out.)
Summary: Harry Potter finds Severus Snape's emotional side after the Death Eaters discover Sev is a spy. What next? Warning: Detailed rape/Very emotional and traumatized Snape.
Disclaimer: Harry et Severus n'appartennent pas à moi.
A/N: This is the last chapter – both lovely and unfortunate. I've enjoyed writing this over the past… two years. Longer than that, even – I'd been working on it for about a year before I put it on FFnet. Thanks very much to my loyal reviewers, for all the support, all the praise, everything. Thanks to you all, I haven't scrapped this and said to hell with it, and now it's actually done. Thank you, I couldn't have done this without you all.
A/N #2: Misspellings/grammatical errors in young Severus' entries are intentional. Also intentional that considering his age, the errors aren't that bad. Although that's partly because I peg Snape as the "grammar freak" type from the get-go and partly because if I really went to town, you wouldn't be able to read it, and it would annoy my need to be grammatically correct.
Chapter Twenty-Five: Epilogue: Complete Trust
It was written in a pointy, if somewhat sloppy, hand. There were small wrinkled bits on the page, indicating a young Severus had been crying as he wrote the entry.
9 January, 1965
Dear Diary,
It was my fith birthday today. Happy birthday to me I guess, Mum's sad and father is angry again. I want mum to be happy. She's never happy any more. She sung "Happy Birthday" to me when she tucked me in. But she was sad. I think she was crying when she left my room. Why won't she be happy? Did I do sum thing wrong? I didn't mean to make her sad. May be its not me really. I think father makes her sad. I saw him hit her today. Mum said hitting peeple is bad – peeple shouldn't do it be cause it hurts. Why does father want to hurt mum? Does that make him bad? Why is father bad? I thought fathers were sposed to care?
Severus
Many of the early entries were much the same, and as Harry read them, he pitied the child behind the sad words – the one whose mum tried so hard to hide her tears from him. The one who tried so hard to stay strong. The one who feared his father – yet who questioned his father's evil, even before he really understood what was happening. The one who wrote in that pointed scrawl, just as the man he became still did. It was a connection that made Harry understand Severus even more, love him that much more for being so strong, so knowing, and yet so naïve all at the same time.
31 August, 1971
Dear Diary,
I get to go to Hogwarts tomorrow! I want to go now. Father's been getting angrier. I don't know why. He scares me alot. I feel bad for having to leave mum here alone with him though. He usually takes out his anger on her. It hurts that I can't protect her, but I want to get away from him so bad. If only I could take her with me. If only I could convince her to make father go away. She says she loves him. I don't understand why. Anyway – Hogwarts tomorrow – I can't wait.
Severus
Harry remembered the elation he felt at realizing he was leaving the Dursleys' to go to Hogwarts and sympathized with the young Severus who wrote this entry. He felt sad for him – happy, but guilty over something he couldn't control.
Many of the following entries, for another six years, were accounts of James' and Sirius' torture of the lonely Severus. For a few moments, Harry actually felt contempt for them. But they were kids. It was no different than how he and Malfoy had acted towards each other. But Severus… Severus had never really been loved by anyone by his mother – had made friends with Lily but was forced to abandon that friendship for the sake of survival. Slytherins were unforgiving, to say the least.
07 November, 1976
Dear Diary,
Lupin's a fucking werewolf! I knew something was odd about him, I knew something was… wrong… with him. Gods. Thanks to Bane of my Existence Black and his pet werewolf, I owe a life debt to James Fucking Potter and I can't accuse Black of attempted murder. "You have to keep this quiet, my boy," Dumbledore told me. Quiet, ha! I've been quiet for 6 years… but no. I respect Dumbledore too much to do that. If not for him, the wolf wouldn't matter. He probably wouldn't even be here. And Black and Potter would have been expelled by now.
But so would I.
Severus
Ouch. A lot of crap about people he loved in that one paragraph. The part that hurt most was that it was all true. And Severus took the hits for seven years. The next few entries expressed more of his anger about what had happened that night. In a very profane manner. A few entries later, there was a shakily scrawled entry, written in haste in what Harry had to assume had been shock.
23/12/1976
Diary,
What have I done?
Severus
Harry assumed this was when Severus had received his Dark Mark. The night he'd been initiated. Those four words showed more fear than the several lines in the entry from his fifth birthday.
11 January, 1977
Dear Diary,
I've confessed what I've done to Dumbledore. He only reasserts his mercy, his… understanding. I'm not expelled. Hell, I'm not dead. I fear for what the future holds – it's always been my strong suit to hide what I feel from people, but a spy? This will be the death of me. But I'll die with a clean conscience.
Severus
It shocked Harry to see that Severus had been resigned to death so early in life. It hurt him, even though he knew Severus had lived. Yet, despite the knowledge that he would probably die young, Severus never lived. He never lived for himself – never devoted time to himself, never made real friends, never dated, never made love, never even fucked someone just for the physical pleasure. He never actually let himself go. And Harry realized: he opened up to Harry so easily, but he had never opened to anyone else before, never let them see through to the true Severus. Sure, Dumbledore knew Severus better than Severus knew himself, but that wasn't the same. Dumbledore was the loving father Severus never had. Harry was Severus' only lover – the only one he trusted completely.
25 August 1978
Dear Diary,
I got an O in Potions, an O in Defense, an O in Herbology, an A in Arithmancy, an O in Astronomy, an O in Charms, an A in Transfiguration. Potions Master Dierkes is retiring, and Dumbledore's requested me personally to replace him. Me! I was an apprentice, but I don't match up to Dierkes! But how can I possibly turn down that opportunity? I don't think I can.
S.S.
Harry smiled, knowing full well Severus got that position. The next couple of entries expressed his apprehension, his excitement, his expectations. And August 29th's entry found him at Hogwarts, elated to have been granted the position, and to be back, in his own quarters – alone, like he'd wished to be his entire young life.
The next two years brought entries about his efforts as a spy, his teaching job, the incapable students. He never once mentioned apology or regret for his power hunger. But then, Severus never was one to apologize. He accepted his fate and did what he could to make sure none of his Slytherins fell into the same path.
The last months leading up to entries about Harry's parents' deaths, about Sirius Black's imprisonment, Lupin's withdrawal, Pettigrew's death, covered the actions of Dumbledore and Voldemort – how Voldemort was gaining more and more power, and the Ministry finally began to believe his rising was important. Dumbledore knew for years and had built the Order of the Phoenix. The two sides fought in the open now – battles no longer needing to be kept away from the ministry's watch.
It saddened Harry how quick Severus had been in agreeing that Sirius must have betrayed his friends. If Severus knew anything about the annoying pair, it was that one would never have done something to bring harm to the other.
Harry glanced at the first date after 5 November, 1980. For the next three years, Severus was silent. Harry supposed at first, the trials were taking place. That meant Severus was in Azkaban, the diary either here at Hogwarts, or confiscated for evidence. Well, perhaps not. Had it been confiscated, the ministry would have released him on grounds they'd have known he was a spy. He can't have spent three years in Azkaban before Dumbledore vouched for him?
01 September, 1983
Diary,
I've been… on holiday. I spent… I was told it was a year, in Azkaban. Wretched place. Albus suggested I spend time off, go do whatever it is I actually wanted to do. I spent much of the past three years back in Blackpool. Last month, however, I went back to Spinner's End. I was told mum died almost three years ago. I suppose no one was told when I was in Azkaban. Pity. I would very much have wanted to attend her funeral. Father… I don't know. I assume he still lives, but I did not see him.
No matter; I'd rather not.
I've returned to Hogwarts. I'm to resume my teaching position, which should be lovely after these years. I've never been one for traveling much. I'm home. That's what matters right now.
Severus
Severus and Harry had a major thing in common. Hogwarts was home. Severus had had such a sad life. His own didn't even compare to Severus's. He had never known his parents; while he was unhappy to spend his young life with the Dursleys, while he had his rivalry with Draco – he'd had friends, he'd had a real life. Severus had never had anything close.
All the same, he didn't pity Severus. He couldn't, because Severus would be ashamed if Harry did. He couldn't, because Severus had so readily accepted his fate. He couldn't, because somehow Severus had found a way to make it all manageable, and Harry had to respect that.
Many of the entries up until 1995 were about work. Severus was reclusive, alone, mostly silent. But he was content. Several of the entries from 1991 on revolved around Harry and his friends, and what an annoyance they were. Harry couldn't help but laugh when he read Severus' words about the incessant brats the trio had been. Harry almost prided himself in it, a childish impulse. Severus wrote about how Black had returned, about how, though he hated to admit it, he knew Sirius was innocent.
04 June, 1995
Diary,
He's back. Tonight, the mark burned. He summoned us. I fear the war will begin again soon. I must continue where I left off: I owe it to Albus and the Order.
S.S.
Short and to the point. It was how Severus often was while impatient, or worried. He was so selfless about it – he didn't even take a moment to think how it would once again interfere with and ruin his life. He accepted it and continued as he had so many years ago.
He continued for years about the war – about his duties, the Order, the Dark Lord. It was amazing that someone with such a large barrier around his life would keep such detailed accounts on it. Harry supposed it had occurred to him that someone could find the diary. No doubt he kept it as hidden as his heart.
Harry was surprised when, during his seventh year, Severus commented on his growing respect for him and his friends. Severus respected him even when he thought Harry hated him. Harry smiled down at his love, whose head lay in his lap, eyes closed, expression tranquil.
"You're just full of surprises, aren't you?" He whispered as he continued reading.
14 May, 1998
Dear Diary,
The war is over. Voldemort is dead. For good. But the fight isn't completely over. There are still Death Eaters left, and the Ministry, though once there was real danger, accepted that there was a war on, is too blind to notice them. Thus my duties are not over. I shall continue to spy, to keep Albus informed.
Severus
The entries for the next few years, Severus continued to do just that. He also still talked about other business – classes, students, new potions discoveries, among other things. Severus was odd in that way. He never missed a small detail, even in a place where things like that didn't matter at all. He'd found it notable when Harry started teaching at Hogwarts two years after the end of the war. He had felt Harry and his… family, were invading his home, as the Marauders had done while he was a student.
Harry, over the last four years, kept his playful nature, but he never attempted to bring harm to Severus. He held a high respect for him. They hadn't been friends by a long shot, but they had a mutual respect for each other after the war. Harry was a bit offended that Severus felt he was an invasion. Admittedly, he understood it.
Harry came to another tear-stained entry.
01 July, 2004
Diary,
I – no. I've written everything here. Everything for the past 40 years. I can't discuss this.
S.S.
The rest of the entry was a bit neater – Severus had been calmer when he wrote it. Harry suspected the first part of the entry was before he had talked to Harry, the second part from later in the morning, after Sev had finally slept.
Why'd they do this to me? Normally, they would have just killed a spy. I don't understand. I don't know that I want to. I feel violated, unclean, sick. There is a deep cold at the center of my very being and I feel it will never melt. I feel as though I will never be warm again.
Severus
Harry remembered the pain in Severus' voice that night and the next morning. The diary entry reflected it, but he could also remember the shock and anger in his voice as he divulged to Harry what he'd never entrusted anyone with, as he told him why the blow hit him as hard as it did.
03 July, 2004
Diary,
I want to heal. I'm nowhere near close; I won't be for a long time, but Harry has given me hope that it is possible.
I nearly killed myself today. I wanted to so badly; I just wanted this to end. I wanted it all to go away. And then I realized how selfish that was. Harry's trying so hard to help me; I can't put that to waste. And if I could… I don't think I'm quite ready to die yet.
S.S.
Harry had made Severus change his viewpoint on death? It was no longer something he welcomed, something to look forward to. He was selfless as ever, when if anyone deserved a little selfishness… but Harry had given Severus a reason to live, and that mattered more than anything else.
08 September, 2004
Diary,
It's time I confronted this. I said, months ago, that I wanted to heal. Harry is helping me heal and I want him to continue. I think it's time I confronted my feelings for him. I am falling, deeply, in love with Harry. I do not know if he will reciprocate but it is something I cannot hold back. I fear telling him, for he may completely push me away, he may tell me I've misconstrued his friendship for something more. But I'd understand if he did. It would hurt me, but I would much rather have a friend who doesn't care that I care than one who has no idea. There is the slightest chance he will feel the same for me, and it is a chance I'm willing to take.
Severus
17 September, 2004
Diary,
He loves me. I love him, too. This is an odd place for me. I've never been in a relationship. I've been through a lot in the past couple months. I've only just gotten to know the real Harry. Somehow it all feels right. I have a feeling it will fall into place. I hope so.
Come to think of it, I never really had hope before.
Severus
'Wow.' It was the first thought that came to Harry's mind. Severus had contemplated for such a long time, and yet after the first night they'd spent together, he'd been so sure. How can someone who's never been sure about anything do that in one night?
29 September, 2004
Diary,
I keep having… aroused… feelings around Harry. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I love him, I'm very attracted to him – in more ways than one. But I'm afraid. I don't want to rush into anything; I don't want to give him the wrong idea. I can't just let it go but I also can't let it take over me. I don't want this. Not yet.
Don't get me wrong, I want Harry. Badly. I don't want a physical relationship yet. He respects that. Why won't my body?
S.S.
Harry remembered one of those nights. Poor Sev and his conflicted feelings. Harry found it frustrating that Severus thought it possible to control those reactions. In the end, he'd finally accepted that it wasn't his fault when his body reacted.
06 October, 2004
Diary, he hurt me.
HE wouldn't hurt me, per se. I can't stop dreaming it. It's them and it turns into him and I'm suddenly more aware, more frightened, more confused, more betrayed. It hurts. I can't even look him in the eye because it would betray my escaping trust. It's not fair that I should judge him based on something he didn't actually do. But I can't tell him. I can imagine the hurt in his eyes.
Severus
09 November, 2004
Diary,
It's okay. It's been a good morning. I dreamed … at first I thought it was a nightmare, but then as Harry started talking to me, I realized he wasn't raping me, wasn't taking advantage of me. He was making love to me. I'm not ready for that yet. But dreaming about it isn't so bad. I quite enjoyed it in fact, if I may say so. He doesn't scare me. He loves me too much.
Severus
Harry remembered that morning. It hurt to know Severus had been dreaming about Harry hurting him, but it made sense within the recovery process. He was happy that Sev's mind had found a way around the fear when he ended up in Harry's arms in the dream. Severus knew that Harry would never hurt him. Harry knew firsthand that trust was a fact easily forgotten within dreams.
12 November, 2004
Diary,
Showers for two are fun. Harry helped me test my boundaries a bit today. I must admit, while I'd like to do more, I know I'm not ready. But I had fun with what I could accept for today. And that's a start, no?
S.S.
Harry chuckled silently, agreeing on Severus's opinion about showers for two.
13 November, 2004
Diary,
He scared me. He didn't mean to, I know. I'm very sensitive about my scars, especially the ones… there. I didn't mean to get so offended, to lash out at him. I'm sure I caused enough damage in trust, too. He said I don't trust him. I do. I can't trust him fully yet; I've never trusted anyone fully. I'm getting there; I can't help it. I'm sorry, I can't break down walls that easy: they've been up forever. I stood up for myself. I told him to hang in here with me – I need his help, I don't know what I'd do without it. He's agreed but I fear I've messed things up.
Severus
Harry sighed, remembering that night. He had been so selfish. He knew Severus couldn't trust; it was lucky for him he got any trust at all, but to demand it completely… he was glad that Severus wanted to make things work. Harry would have regretted it later. He wanted Severus to feel safe, and he wanted to be the one that provided that feeling.
14 November, 2004
Diary,
He's proven, once again, that showers can be amazingly more fun than they were designed for.
He let me make love to him. Make love to. Him. Mine. I love him so much. I feel like I've loved him for so much longer than I know it's been. He trusted me. I want to trust him completely. I'm not ready for that. I can't trust him with that yet. I am sorry.
Severus
Severus had never felt pressured, he enjoyed what they had together, whenever they were intimate, and even when they weren't. Harry felt guilty that Severus thought he should apologize for his lack of trust. It was Harry's fault, after all. He looked down at his sleeping love again. "Don't be. I'm the one who should be sorry." He whispered as he brushed hair back from Sev's face with his fingers.
"Mmm, for what?" came a sleepy voice.
"For making a big deal out of it when you were unable to trust me."
"You've been up reading all night?"
"I couldn't help it. May I finish?"
Severus sighed and nodded. "Is my life that interesting to you?"
Harry just stroked his hair back and continued reading.
He had never actually asked for more detail on this one. He felt Severus would say what he wished and leave it at that. Another double entry with tear marks on the page. Harry hadn't been allowed to comfort him for this one.
07 December, 2004
Diary,
I scream beautifully? I feel ashamed right now, belittled. I think I'm going to be sick. I want to know who wrote the note; I want to rip his fucking throat out.
Veritiserum is an interesting creation.
Knott is being punished. For the entire school year.
It doesn't change what he did. I'm angry, I'm sick. I scared Harry away and right now I would love nothing more than to sleep in his arms. I think I will after I apologize.
Severus
The last line, despite the rest of the entry, made Harry smile. He had. He had come and he laid in Harry's arms and he fell asleep right then and there.
10 December, 2004
Diary,
Harry convinced me to go see Albus tonight. I feel better, relieved. I still feel sick though. I wish it would stop playing in my head. It was six months ago and I want to take the memory out of my head. But I know I can't do that. I could. But the resulting damage wouldn't be worth it. Nor would the thought that I'm a coward. I'm getting the help I need. But it's so hard.
S.S.
17 December, 2004
Diary,
I told one of my best kept secrets. The one only Dumbledore, you, and I know about. I told him how I got my Dark Mark. He didn't push me away, he wasn't disgusted. He loves and accepts me for everything that made me who I am, and I am grateful for that. I hope I can receive such loving trust on all of this. I plan on telling him all of this sooner or later. Now is too hard. Christmas, perhaps.
S.S.
"It was in the past, Severus. I can't judge you for something that happened when you were sixteen." Harry spoke quietly. The other man listened silently, hanging on to every word of every comment Harry made.
24 December, 2004
Diary,
I'm afraid. I don't want to reveal all of this. Much of it is… pitiful, embarrassing. I hate pity. He's never shown me pity before; he knows I hate it, he knows I don't want it. So he doesn't express it toward me. I am afraid of how he may react to much of this. I can't sleep. I keep dreaming about so many things. Father, Voldemort, the Dark Mark, my Initiation, the rape. They're all things he does or should know about. But I can't stop dreaming. It hurts.
S.S.
Harry wanted to cry. To know that Severus had gone through the panic attack on Christmas morning because of him was painful. He loved Severus; he hurt when Severus was hurting, and he had felt a lot of pain on Christmas. He realized that when Severus woke up panicked he must have dreamed of Harry's reaction – an unpleasant and probably hurtful one. He wondered what Severus had been thinking about, all those hours by the lake. But the entries ended at Christmas Eve because Harry knew the story from there. Harry knew from there, Severus had decided to hand over his full trust, all of his secrets, all of his embarrassments, all of his shames.
Harry closed the diary and set it on the bedside table.
"Harry?"
"Yes?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too. I love you even more for everything you've been through, everything that makes you you – Everything in that book." He nodded in the general direction of the diary.
"Harry?"
"Hmm?"
"I trust you."
Harry looked down at him and smiled.
"I want you to make love to me. I want you to make me yours."
"Are you sure?"
Severus was trembling, but when he nodded, the expression on his face was determined, loving, trusting – his emotions were entirely open for Harry to see.
And that's when Harry knew Severus trusted him enough to finally allow him this completion.
A/N:Once again, uncensored versions: message or review with your email (in "my name at host dot com" format, as FFnet auto-censors email addresses in messages). If you've already messaged me, or are going to, I'm never "home" nights or weekends, so expect me to send on weekdays – I promise I'm not ignoring people (I may stop being lazy and put the copies on the laptop, but technically my brother owns the laptop, so these last few chapters are getting removed from it later to prevent embarrassment). Thanks again for the reviews; I hope you'll read my other stories in the future.