Ch. 25 Edge of a Broken Heart
(CLARE)
"ELI LET ME OUT!" I yell banging on the door but get no response. "OWEN OPEN THE DOOR!" Still no response from the other side of the door but I can see them out there, behind the clouded glass.
"No one's opening the door until you tell me what's going on. Princess talk to me please." Dallas pleads.
Hearing him call me Princess used to be one of my favorite things, now it just sends a stab of pain through my chest. I give up trying to be let out, I can feel tears starting to break from the corners of my eyes, I shut them tight and walk farther into the room, leaning on one of the shelves with my back to Dallas.
"Clare what happened?" He asks again, his voice is strained with distress and desperation.
"I already told you." I tell him, fruitlessly wiping away my tears as more spill out.
"Dave said you were going to run away, leave Toronto!" He exclaims his voice is now an even mixture of anger and concern.
"I can't stay and watch you with the puck bunnies it hurts too much!" I snap.
He walks around and stands in front of me, I won't look up at his face but I see his jacket and I see how stiff his posture is.
"I haven't touched the puck bunnies, not a single one and you broke up with me! You cheated on me remember?" He says in a hard and spiteful tone.
My heart shatters and feels like its being constricted all at once. My whole chest feels compressed, I squeeze my eyes tighter, my lip is trembling I'm crying so hard. I turn around putting my back to him again, the memory of that night begins to replay in my mind and I'm starting to feel like I can't breathe.
"You didn't cheat did you?" He inquires but it come as out as more of a statement, his voice soft and hopeful now.
He's standing next to me and just slightly in front of me now, his fingers come under my chin so softly and he tilts my head up to look at him. His touch so delicate and gentle and loving makes me want to cling to him, to be in the safety of his embrace. At the same time it sends a wave of internal pain and shame through me for what happened. I wrench away from him backing up a couple of steps.
"But I did, I did cheat on you!" I confess through my tears, it comes out somehow harsh and rueful. My head drops down more and I turn away a bit leaning my arms on the shelves and my head on my arms. "I did cheat on you but I didn't want to." The words my leave my mouth with so much weight in them they take my breath away with them.
There's a minute of silence and then I hear Dallas take a step closer to me. His breathing is soft and shallow and slightly stressed. I can't see him but I feel the warmth of his hand as it hovers just above my arm as he debates whether or not to put his hand on me.
"Clare what are you talking about?" He asks finally putting his hand on my arm and turning me to him.
His hand on my cold skin feels like a warm bath on cold night and covers me in goose flesh. I shake my head, I can't tell him I've said too much already. Asher will come after me and Maya; and Dallas will hate me. I bite my lip and continue to shake my head, I'm shivering but if that's from all the crying; or the heat of his hand making me realize how cold I am in only a summer dress in the dead of winter, I'm not sure. Dallas seems to decide that its because I'm cold since he takes his jacket off and puts it around my shoulders. His jacket is silky soft, warm and comforting and permeated with his musky sweet scent. I want to curl up and hide in his jacket, to stay in it forever.
"Talk to me Clare." He requests in a soft, kind soothing voice.
"I can't." I whisper between sobs as I pull his jacket around me a little tighter.
"Princess please." He begs, his voice so filled with worry and laced with hurt it breaks into my resolve.
I sink to the floor on my knees and he sinks down with me, cupping my chin once more and this time I don't wrench away. He tilts my head up and I do meet his eyes but I can't see them because I'm crying to hard.
"Princess…" he starts again but I cut him off.
"Don't call me Princess," I snap at him and he flinches a little, "I'm not. I didn't want to cheat on you, he made me! He raped me!" The last part erupts from my mouth with so much venom it leaves a bad taste on my tongue just saying it.
Now the memories have come back in a torrent. Dallas' hand drops from my chin but he's otherwise frozen, not so much as taking a breath. I sink down a little more sitting on one thigh and crying into my hands. I'm drowning in shame, debasement, humiliation and overwhelming pain; physical, emotional even mental. I hear Dallas stand and I'm sure that he hates me; my mind says he's going to storm out of the room and never look at me again. Without warning there's a calamity of loud sounds, I look up from my hands to see Dallas has gone ballistic, he's pulled down one of the stacked tables and is ripping stuff off the shelves, old school supplies and props for plays get tossed around them room while others crash to the floor. I realize I've caught a breath in my throat from fear as I watch him in a rage fueled outburst. Suddenly he stops and turns and turns to me, his face is hard and dark, his eyes narrowed, fists clenched, posture stiff.
"Who?" He demands through clenched teeth.
I look down and bite my trembling lip. "Asher." I say in hardly even in a whisper.
"Clare," he sits kneels down next to me and puts his arm around me, over his jacket but the pressure on my skinned back hurts.
"Ow!" I whimper in a high pitched yelp.
He takes the jacket off my shoulders a bit and runs his fingers along the edge of my bandage.
"You're bleeding!" He says in an irate yet worried tone. He hooks a finger in the back of my dress and pulls it away from my body a bit, presumably to look down at the bandages. "Did he do this?" Dallas inquires his voice filled only with enraged ire now and I nod my head in answer to his question. "He's fucking dead! I'm going to fucking kill him, rip his fucking head off!" Dallas exclaims furiously.
He stands up and turns, storming for the door, I get up and follow him. He seems determined to go find Asher and all I can think is I need to stop him. He reaches the door and bangs on it forcefully with his clenched fist.
"Owen open the fucking door!" He commands harshly.
The door opens and Dallas stalks out, as much as it hurts to move I run after him catching his arm.
"Mike stop! You can't!" I cry.
He stops walking when I touch his arm and looks at me. Luke has joined the group awaiting outside the door and they're all looking at me. I've been crying furiously since almost the minute we were locked in there and I know I look terrible, I'm sure I feel worse than I look though.
"He's dead Clare!" Dallas declares.
"Geez Dallas what did you do to the storage room?" Luke questions.
Everyone else looks away from me and into the storage room that's half trashed now because of Dallas' fit of rage. After a couple of seconds and a gasp from Bianca they all look back at us.
"Who's dead?" Eli inquires.
"Asher FUCKING Shostak!" Dallas barks.
"Mike you can't he said he'd make it worse next time if anyone found out! He said he'd make it worse for me and go after Maya! I went to the doctor I'm fine." I implore.
"You're fine?!" Dallas exclaims, taking his coat from my shoulders. "Your back is bandaged, almost your entire back! Your bruised and scratched and your fine?!"
"And the bump on her forehead." Dave adds.
Dallas brushes my bangs aside, revealing the bump and his face gets harder.
"It's just a bump I don't even have a concussion. The doctor sad I was okay." I tell them.
"No he didn't, she wouldn't talk to the cops, wouldn't even say his name and she wouldn't let the doctor do a full exam." Dave tells them.
"What the hell is going on?" Owen demands.
"What did Asher do to you?" Eli questions his voice is concerned but laced with animosity.
My crying has slowed but not stopped, I've calmed just a bit which I attribute to Dallas' jacket as it's extremely comforting. I look at Eli, his eyes are lit with a fire of anger but his face is pensive. I look to Adam and his face is full of worry while his eyes too are narrowed and angry. Owen, much like Dallas has a hard hateful, irate look on his face, a murderous look but his eyes are misted with worry. As Dave already knew the only expression on his face is relief. Luke looks more confused than anything else but there are tinges of worry and anger in his expression that I assume he's picking up from the general mood of the group. Bianca looks pissed and worried as much as Dallas and Owen. Dallas looks ready to yell it out and I've already told him so I give in, with a defeated and worried sigh, if Asher finds out I told his next attack will be more brutal, and worse he'll go after Maya whose entirely innocent in all of this.
"I'll tell you, all of you, everything but not here." I tell them slowly in a soft cracking voice.
"Everyone to our place, Bianca call Drew tell him to meet us he needs to hear this too." Dallas commands with a hard jaw and harder tone.
"I'll stay here, but I'll help get you guys out past my dad." Dave says.
"Good lets go, Eli and Adam with us." Dallas barks so loud that I cringe.
He turns and looks at me and his face softens, his posture relaxing and he holds out his hand to me. I relax a little to and take his hand, he interlaces our fingers and we start walking to the school entrance as I hear Bianca on the phone with Drew.
"Get to your parents' house now! We're all on our way that fucking asshole hurt her again!" Bianca informs him and then hangs up.
Dave walks out first and distracts his dad while the rest of us sneak behind him and out to the parking lot. Bianca, Luke and Owen get in his car while Adam and Eli walk with me and Dallas to Mr. Torres' car and we drive to Adam's house in silence. When we arrive I see Drew's car is already there, Dallas parks and we all get out, going to the basement door which Drew has unlocked. Drew looks at me as we enter, his face scrunches up a bit with worry. I sit on the ottoman and start nervously picking at my cuticles as Owen, Bianca and Luke come in.
"What did that fucking pedophile do this time?!" Drew questions for everyone as they all sit down.
"He raped her! That asshole raped her!" Dallas says for me.
The room falls silent and freezes for a minute they don't move or breath or anything.
Bianca is the first to break the silence. "What?" She exhales with a disbelieving breath.
"When?" Eli croaks out and I hear the pain in his voice.
"Monday night." I tell them in a quiet voice. I'm still looking at my hands, I don't even want to relay the story and I definitely can't do it while looking any of them in the face.
"Tell us what happened Clare, everything!" Owen insists, his voice is infuriated but strained with afflicted anxiety.
I take a deep shuddering breath trying to prepare myself to tell them everything. Dallas sits next to me on the ottoman and tries to put his arm around me but I flinch away. I can feel him looking at me.
"You probably won't want to touch me after I tell you this." I whisper to him in explanation for recoiling from his touch.
He doesn't say anything but takes my hand and once again interlaces our fingers. Another deep shuddering breath, Dallas squeezes my hand and I start recounting. Starting with leaving the Dot and then feeling like someone was watching so I started searching for my mace. I pause for a minute shutting my eyes as the event plays in my head and becomes so real that I can feel Asher's hand over my mouth again. Dallas squeezes my hand again bringing it to his lips and kissing it gently and I continue.
"He put his hand over my mouth, he took off my backpack and dropped it to the ground and pulled me back into the alley. It didn't seem real at first, like some terrible dream, I knew it was Asher before he even spoke. He said that he told me I'd pay for spraying him with mace and then asked if I had any idea how long he'd wanted to do this. He let go of me a little, I tried to get away and he slammed my head into the wall and I passed out." I have to stop again saying it out loud, reliving it all over again not just having it play in my mind but saying the words to people who care about me is not only painful but humiliating in its own way.
Dallas releases my hand for a second, takes it with his other one and then puts his arm around me. I shut my eyes tight, taking a deep shuddering breath, wipe away some tears, open my eyes and focus on Adam's shoes.
"When I came to I was naked he was dragging me across the pavement to the back of the alley by my hair and he had gagged me with his belt cinched around my head." I tell them slowly.
I stop talking when I hear a loud ripping sound; I look up just enough to see Owen has ripped a throw pillow completely in half. I don't need to see his face or any of their faces to know that they have hateful rage on them.
"I don't think you want to hear the rest." I say quietly focusing on Eli's shoes this time.
"No we don't but you need to tell us everything." Says Bianca.
I bite my lip, wipe away some more tears, another deep breath and I start again. "I tried to fight, tried to scream but both were useless. When we were at the back of the alley he let go of my hair and I dropped to the ground. By that point I couldn't fight any more, I was in so much pain, so dizzy and nauseous I didn't have the strength to fight. He started unzipping his pants and I thought about all the people I care about. He brushed hair from my face and told me I looked beautiful. I slapped him with all the strength I had but it didn't do anything, he said he likes my inner fire but couldn't have me hitting him it would kill the mood. He told me to stay there and to make sure I did he hit me very hard in the stomach. He walked away and came back with my shirt sitting on me again he ripped my shirt and tied my wrists and arms with it. Then he told me I looked so much sexier all bound and gagged and said if I wasn't good this time next time he'd bring chains and a whip."
I'm interrupted again but this time by several simultaneous punches to the sofa and Dallas tightens his arms around me. I hiss in a painful breath as he hits the road rash on my lower back and he loosens his grip a little. They aren't going to get any calmer and if I'm going to get this out I need to get it over with so I continue.
"He stood up and put on a condom, saying we couldn't have me getting pregnant. He kneeled down between my legs and…" I begin crying again, wailing as the feelings and pain of him thrusting into me come back in an over whelming wave.
I can feel that Dallas' posture has gotten even stiffer now, he's not talking and his breathing seems to have morphed into an angry sort of growling. I bite my lip, feeling so small, so ashamed, so dirty and degraded all over again. I try to speak once more but it comes out as a frightened choking squeak. I hear Dallas take a deep breath and relax a little, calming enough that it manages to calm me a bit. I swallow hard and take a deep breath and manage to find my voice again.
"And then he was inside of me! It was…I felt…" I pause for a deep shuddering breath not able to get the words out. I can't tell everyone about my silent apology to Dallas or the realization that I love him; I'm not even sure I can tell him that part. I clear my throat and try speaking again. "It seemed to last forever and when he was done he said it was marvelous and I felt amazing but the only things I felt was pain and an ill feeling. He went to get my clothes and told me to get dressed, he freed my arms and I started to get dressed as he burned the condom, the scraps of my shirt and his belt to get rid of any evidence. As soon as I was done dressing and standing he warned me not to say anything about it or anything else or next time he'd live out every S&M fantasy he's ever had on me and then he'd go after Maya and take her virginity more violently than mine! He kissed me, pushed me into a pile of crates and walked away." I finish and then hide my face on Dallas' chest.
The room is silent but the tension is thick. The anger and horror everyone is feeling is swirling around us in a cloud of hate. The sound of a breaking lamp cuts into it and makes me look up from Dallas' chest. Drew is standing and he appears to have punched a lamp on the end table.
"LETS GO KILL HIM! HE'S GOING TO DIE!" Drew growls sounding more like a beast than a boy.
I get up from Dallas' lap and he releases me so I can; I go to Drew putting my hands on his shoulders as he's already begun moving for the door.
"Drew you can't, none of you can! He won't just go after me; he'll go after Maya too. He'll make it worse, be more vicious. You can't!" I entreat, through sobbing breaths as tears flow steadily down my face.
Owen gets up, hopping over the back of the sofa and gingerly taking Dallas' jacket from my shoulders, turns me around so Drew can see my back covered in bandages.
"He raped you Clare, dragged you across the pavement, almost your entire back is covered in bandages! He smashed your head into the wall and I can see other bruises and scratches! He has to die and we're going to kill him slowly and painfully!" Owen states with a hard and menacing look and I see a little bit of his bully persona coming through.
He and Drew begin moving for the door again and I grab their hands. "STOP! You can't he'll come after me again! He'll go after Maya, you can't!" I plead with them but I'm near hysterics so I'm not sure how much of my plea was truly audible.
Dallas, Luke, Bianca, Drew and Owen start talking at once and I'm crying harder, the fear of Asher coming back for me, of raping me again more violently has me terrified beyond anything.
"EVERYBODY STOP!" Eli and Adam yell together and everyone else stops and looks at them.
I look at them too but I can't stop crying. They both come over to me pulling me away from Drew and Owen. Eli and Adam each have one of my hands, their other hands resting gently on my arms.
"Dave said you wouldn't let the doctor do a full exam what did he mean?" Eli asks in his silky calming voice.
"I wouldn't let him do a pelvic exam." I choke out between sobs.
"Okay you need to go back to the doctor so he can." Eli says in a soothing voice still but it's become stern as well.
I start shaking my head. "N…no no I…I can't!" I insist starting to get hysterical again.
"We'll go with you." Adam assures me.
I shake my head more vigorously this time and then Dallas' jacket is draped over my shoulders once more, I feel hands on my hips and I'm turned around to face Dallas.
"Even if he wore a condom you could have still have an STI and you probably have injuries. We'll be with you the whole time Princess." His voice is soft and calming but austere.
I look at Bianca as she's the only other female in the room. "I'll come but you have to get looked at Clare." She tells me and I finally nod.
Dallas puts his arm around me and hugs me to him lightly. "Drew can Luke borrow your car?" Dallas asks.
"Sure I guess." Drew says but he still sounds angry, he gets his keys from his pocket and gives them to Luke.
"Luke go back to school and make sure Maya is safe. I don't know if Asher would actually go after her but he's a sick fucking pedophile so I'm not taking any chances. Tell coach that Owen and I had a personal emergency and aren't coming to practice today but make sure you get tickets for tomorrow's game for Clare, Becky, Adam, Tristan, Maya, Bianca and Eli." Dallas commands and Luke nods and leaves the house.
The fear of going back to the doctor, the terrible thought of Asher coming back for me or going after Maya on top of having to relive it all be recounting it all takes it's physical toll on me. My body begins to tremble and my knees give way, I start to slide to the ground but Dallas scoops me up and my arms go around his neck. He asks me what doctor I went to and I tell him the free clinic.
"Drew and Bianca you two go with Owen, Eli and Adam with us again." Dallas instructs.
We leave the house; Dallas carries me to the car and puts me in. Eli and Adam get in the back and we drive to the free clinic with Owen following us. Dallas carries me into the clinic the administration nurse recognizes me and takes us to an exam room but says only two people can come in with me. Dallas says he's not leaving me in a very hard and authoritative tone and as Bianca is the only girl I ask her to stay but as I can't speak I do it by grabbing her arm. Owen says they'll just be in the waiting room and they close the exam room door. Dallas lays me on the exam table and the sanitary paper crinkles underneath me. I turn on my side and curl up a little and the whole scene is very reminiscent of yesterday and I'm not sure if this time is better or worse. Dallas stands at my side, holding my hand and stroking my hair; Bianca is behind me with a hand gently stroking my arm. There's a knock at the door and then it opens and even through my tears I can see the nurse.
"She'll need to put this on for the pelvic exam. The doctor will be in shortly." The nurse says handing Dallas a hospital gown and then leaving the room.
Dallas and Bianca gently guide me to sit up, Dallas takes his jacket from my shoulders and helps me off with my dress. When he sees the full bruise on my shoulder, stomach and clavicle his face goes hard again and I hear Bianca gasp at the sight of my back covered in badages. I take the gown from Dallas and put it on, taking his hand again and lying down once more. All the crying has given me a headache, reliving the rape made me feel ill and I feel dizzy again having not eaten since yesterday. There's another knock at the door and I shut my eyes tight and squeeze Dallas' hand as I would give anything not to go through this.
(ADAM)
I sit between my big brother and one of my best friends in the clinic waiting room, Owen sits on the other side of Drew, all of us silent, all of us angry and all of us worried and feeling some amount of guilt and compassion for our friend currently in the exam room. The fact that Asher went as far as raping her, raping her violently is till settling into my brain, it doesn't seem real. It's not that I can't believe he wouldn't go that far because I completely can but I can't believe it happened to Clare, my best friend Clare! Beautiful, sweet, kind, innocent Clare who wouldn't hurt a fly had her innocence, her virginity stolen!
"We either have to kill him or go to the cops after this!" Owen states angrily through clenched teeth breaking the silence.
"No." I say just as angrily.
"Adam we can't let him get away with this! We…" Drew starts but I cut him off.
"We're not he's going to pay but not today. I don't give a fuck about Asher but you saw Clare she was near hysterics, she couldn't even stand. She's gonna be traumatized again after the pelvic exam and she's not going to be able to tell the cops what happened, not today anyway. She isn't going to be able to repeat that account twice in one day especially after this. Asher needs to pay and we'll make sure he does but right now Clare needs all of us more than we need to kill Asher. After this we're all going back to our house, Clare will spend the night and the rest of you should stay as long as you can." I tell everyone firmly and they all nod.
"We should call Jake." Eli says after another silent minute then he gets out his phone and calls Jake himself. I look at my watch and it's currently lunchtime at DeGrassi. I hear Jake's phone ring a couple of times and then he picks it up and then I only hear Eli's side. "Hey Jake…yeah we're with her right now…she's well, okay is not the word I would use…no stay at school she's in good hands we're going to Adam's soon and she will be spending the night there could you tell her mom something…I can't tell you; not yet but she's safe and we'll take good care of her…yeah sure thanks Jake." And Eli hangs up.
We go back to silently waiting until my phone rings and it's Dave. "Hey Dave, we got her to come back to the clinic for a pelvic exam."
"That's good she needs to be looked at. Alli told me Asher was Clare's co-op mentor is that true?" Dave questions.
"Yeah." I affirm.
"That's fucking messed up! How is she?" He inquires.
"Not so good, she told us everything in terrible detail and she sort of broke down afterwards. She was terrified to come back for a pelvic exam. We're keeping her at my house tonight." I tell him.
"Good, I should go meet Alli for lunch but I won't tell her. I can't." Dave says slowly and hangs up.
I put my phone away and we go back to waiting in silence for Clare, Dallas and Bianca. That is until we hear Clare scream!
(CLARE)
I shut my eyes tight preparing for the doctor but it's only the nurse again coming to take my vitals.
"When did you last eat?" She asks when she sees my blood pressure is low again.
"Yesterday." I manage to tell her.
Even through the tears I can see the worried scowl, Dallas is giving me and I hide my face on the exam table. He brushes some hair from my face just as the doctor comes in.
"Make sure she eats after this." The nurse instructs as she leaves the room.
"Alright Clare I need you to lie on back and scoot down to the edge of the table." The doctor instructs in a clinical voice.
I shut my eyes tight and can't seem to move but I feel Bianca gently pulling at my legs and I finally get on my back.
"Dallas turn around so I can take off her panties." Bianca instructs.
"Why?" Dallas asks.
"Face the wall!" Bianca says in a firmer tone and I feel Dallas turn his body to face the wall but keeping hold of my hand.
"I'm taking off your panties Clare, it's just me." Bianca says in a sedative tone.
I nod a little, feel her reach under the gown and slip my panties off. The doctor takes one of my legs and I yank it away. Bianca takes the other leg and I allow her to move it, placing it in the cold metal stirrup, she does the same for the other one and then she come to my other side and takes my other hand. My eyes are shut as tight as I can get them and I'm squeezing both their hands as hard as I can.
"Ok Clare just relax, I'm going to begin the exam now." The doctor informs me. I hear a glove being put on and my legs start to close, trying to pick my feet up from the stirrups but he's strapped them in. "It's okay Clare relax your body you need to let me look." The doctor says.
"Easy for you to say, you weren't raped and aren't about to be violated again by some strange doctor."
My breathing speeds up and I feel Dallas kissing my forehead. "Breathe Princess, I have you." He assures me.
I take a deep breath and manage to relax a little bit but when I feel the doctors fingers start to probe inside of me and it feels for all the world like Asher entering me again and I scream as loud as I can!
Update soon from right here. The chapters will start getting happier with the next one when Clare stays the night at the Torres house and back in Dallas' bed where she belongs :-)