Dammit…where is it?" Kelly frantically paced around the room. She picked up the folders, flipping through them quickly as she glanced frantically around on the desk. This could not be good.

She was tired, after all she'd been up half the night thinking about it. Ever since he'd asked her, it was the only thing she could think about. Proposals were supposed to make you swoon. They were supposed to make you think about your dreams..about everything you wanted to share with that person. This proposal had done nothing but make her think about all the reasons she shouldn't say yes.

She was quiet…too quiet. No woman who'd just been proposed to should be this quiet. Even the ring hadn't garnered the response the he'd expected.

"It's too soon," he sighed, staring down at the floor, unable to take the humiliation any longer. "I knew it was too soon. I knew I should've waited. I just…I love you and I'm so happy with you. I just wanted us to start our lives and…"

"No…No…It's not that." She hated making him feel like she didn't want him. He was so good to her and he loved her. She just…she'd never expected this. When Mitchell had told her he had a surprise, she thought a nice dinner or a dozen roses might be waiting for her, she never expected the three carat diamond that sparkled in the velvet box before her.

"I just…I guess I'm just surprised." Watching his face for a reaction, she felt an overwhelming surge of guilt. The disappointment in his eyes was obvious. "I just need a little bit of time. Just a little bit." She stood up, kissing him, and pulling him closer to her.

He'd gone to bed not long after the conversation. He pretended to understand, but she knew how hurt he was. All he wanted to do was love her, take care of her, make her happy and yet she couldn't fully commit to him….though she didn't know exactly why. That was when she'd reached into the desk drawer, grabbing the paper and pencil. Pros and cons seemed a logical way to decide this.

The pros side flowed easily. Mitchell had always been wonderful with her. He was one of the most considerate people she'd ever met and anything she wanted, no matter what it was, became his number one priority. He would dedicate his entire life to making her happy. Even though she didn't need that, it was nice to know she had someone in her life that cared about her happiness that much.

The con side was more difficult, but something she needed to consider. Her mind wandered as she thought about everything she'd written.

1) He wants a family. That didn't seem like a con initially, but the more she thought about what he wanted out of life, the more she realized how his goals differed from hers. She had Zane and she wasn't sure she wanted more children. Even if she did—she wasn't sure she could have a baby. Having Zane had almost killed her and Zane was born so early that his survival was in jeopardy for months.

2) He hates Paris. She remembered the first time they'd gone to Paris together. Mitchell had been miserable. He hated the language, the culture, the weather, the food…everything. It was hard enough for her to be there…with anyone other than Joey, but to be there with someone who hated it so much made it even worse.

3) He had a perfect family. Happily married parents, a brother, a sister, a beautiful house with a picket fence and a dog named Spot. Her family? No father, No mother, No siblings, a strong family history of mental illness. It wasn't that he judged her…he didn't, but he also didn't understand. Without having any family problems of his own, there was no way he could ever understand the circus she grew up in.

4) Spot Jr hated her. Dogs had been a part of Mitchell's life since he was a small child. After his childhood friend, Spot Sr. died of old age, Mitchell had purchased Spot Jr, a spirited Yorkie who adored him. Spot didn't adore Kelly, in fact hugging Mitchell almost always got her a growl and snap in response.

5) Kevin hated him. She wasn't sure exactly why. Ever since she moved away from Llanview and away from Joey, Kevin had been less than thrilled with her romantic choices. When she decided to move in with Mitchell, Kevin had openly admitted that he thought Mitchell was "a schmuck". She'd asked why repeatedly, but he'd never been able to give her a definitive reason. She was pretty sure that any man she chose would be a schmuck unless he was Joey.

Kelly stared at the page…watching as the words seemed to multiply. The pros seemed so easy, but the more cons she wrote, the easier they were to think of. She wanted to love him. She wanted to be happy about the proposal, but she couldn't. Even with all these reasons, none of them were the real reason. She felt her eyes sting with the familiar twinge of tears.

7) He's not Joey. That, she knew, was the real reason she couldn't allow herself to be really happy. That was the reason she couldn't say yes to the proposal. That was the reason she could let Mitchell put that ring on her finger.

Now, as she frantically searched for the paper, she tried to swallow past the feeling of dread that welled up within her. She had signed the permission slip, folded it up, written a quick note on the paper, and folded it neatly into the envelope. The addressed letter had been mailed nearly an hour ago. Now it was on its way to London.

"My God…if Kevin gets that letter."

"Kevin won't get the letter."

Kelly turned, her eyes snapping to attention as she saw Mitchell standing in the doorway, the yellow page of the notepad in his hand. "Mitchell," she whispered.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I…" She knew how much this would hurt him. Everything she'd written on that page—as true as they were—would break his heart and nothing in her wanted to do that. "I'm so sorry," she said quietly.

"Don't be sorry," he said quietly.

"It was honest," she admitted quietly. "At least I was honest with you…even though I didn't realize it."

And, she thought as he walked out of the door, and out of her life, now she'd now been honest with herself.

The End