Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy-related. All rights reserved to Square-Enix.
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Act 25:
Wedding Crashers Part I
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As soon as the crew boarded the ship, Tidus was seen holding Cid up by his collar.
Tidus: Mistress! Where is the Mistress?
Cid: 'M-Mistress'? I thought that was Rikku!
Rikku: Pops, I'm a whore, not a man eater!
All: …
Cid: …Please do kill me, boy.
Tidus: (Throws him back down) Where did you put Yuna?!
Cid: (He gets up and brushes himself off.) Why should I tell you?
Rikku: Oh, Pops, just tell him that you don't know where Mistress Yunie is!
Cid: Dammit, Rikku! Why do you always ruin the suspense in everything?!
All: …
Wakka: Uh…are you adopted, Rikku?
Rikku: I think I was a lovechild, but DNA tests will be the judge of that! (She laughs.)
All: …
Cid: Well, now that Rikku ruined the suspense- again, what will you do once you find her, boy?
Tidus: I…I'll… That's right… I don't even know what I'm going to say to her- besides that I demand to quit her little slave group! …I'll tell Yuna how sorry I am whenever I encouraged her to continue her pilgrimage… Yea… I want to apologize to Yuna for forcing her on this stupid trip like everyone else! I was young. I was naïve!
Auron: And…you still are, Tidus.
Tidus: (Cries)
Cid: Well…ok then. (He walks away, but really turns back around to punch him in the face.)
(Tidus wheels backwards and falls on his behind!)
Tidus: W-what was that for?!
Cid: That's for lying! You just want the Calm to come as soon as possible like all them Yevonites out there! Well, I won't let you harm my niece like that!
Rikku: Hey! Why didn't you do that when I was auditioning for Yuna's part before? (Pouts)
Cid: Oh. Umm…I don't know. Hmm… (Scratches his bald head)
Rikku: Ah!
Tidus: But that's not true! I didn't even come from this world. I didn't know what the 'Calm' was, what summoners do, and why Guardians were needed in the first place. I…just wanted to support her throughout the way. I won't let her die!
Cid: … Ok, I believe ya. (He puts his hand on Tidus' shoulder.)
All: What?!
Lulu: You can't be serious! Tidus was just spouting random words in his DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)!
Tidus: My wha?
Wakka: Y-ya! He hasn't been on his pills lately, ya?
Tidus: Mushrooms?
Auron: (Sighs) Why is this first scene so long already…?
Cid: Well, I don't know where Yuna is…
All: He's ignoring us?!
Cid: …but that's why we're going to search for her! Son, love at such a young age definitely impairs the mind. You are a lucky young man.
Tidus: Pops…thank you…
Cid: Son…
Tidus: Pops!
(They hug.)
All: …
Rikku: I thought he was my dad?
Lulu: (Sighs) You're better off without him.
Cid: And now…time for the finale. (He pushes Tidus to the floor and turns to where Brother is in the control room.)
Rikku: Oh no…
Tidus: Ah! (He gets up.) What?
Cid: (He grabs a microphone from where Brother's keypad stuff are.) Myteac yht kahdmasah... (Ladies and gentlemen...)
Rikku: Oh no!
Lulu: What is he going to do?
Kimahri: (Eyes widen) Ah…
Cid: E ys ouin Ym Prat maytan, Let. (I am your Al Bhed leader, Cid.)
Rikku: He's going to do something very drastic soon…
Auron: What is it though, Rikku?
Cid: Cehla dra kiytu taletat du dnycr uin Rusa, E bnubuca fa tu cusadrehk dryd femm meja...eh ehvyso. (Since the Guado decided to trash our Home, I propose we do something that will live...in infamy.)
Rikku: Ah! It's about time! I can't believe he's going to do that again…!
Kimahri: 'That'?
Wakka: What is it, ya?
Rikku: Oh, can't you stop saying 'ya'!? You sound like an uneducated buffoon!
Tidus: You're a monkey?
Rikku: Just prepare yourselves…
Cid: …It's- hammer time! Oh-oh-!
All: … What the…?
(The whole Airship is partying…?)
Rikku: P-Pops…what is this? I thought everyone was full of tears for leaving Home- again?
Cid: Yeah, but we're way over that already, Rikku. Rin suggested that we start over from scratch to create a super city for us, the Al Bheds!
Wakka: I-I'm against that!
Rikku: (Pushes Wakka aside) That's a wonderful idea, Pops! We can finally build a zoo like I've dreamed of!
Cids: No, Rikku, no 'zoos' are included in my dream of a new Home.
Rikku: What?! I refuse to go along with your plan then!
Cid: Rin's already got everything mapped out, sweetie. I can't just decide to add a zoo in there!
Rikku: (Sniffles) Th-then, I want a zoo next time when we have to rebuild Home!
Cid: Ok honey. (Pats her on the head)
All: …
Tidus: W-where do you get all the money to keep rebuilding a Home anyway…?
Cid: The United Trusty Bank of the Al Bheds- run by Rin.
Tidus: That guy…?
Cid: And now, time for the grand finale… (He grins as he moves his finger over to a red button.) Good bye, Home. (The initiation of Cid's finger-pressing blows up Home into nothing but another part of the desert.)
(The crew is flying home-free…?)
After Home has been blown up by Cid, the crew stands around in the control room, deciding on what to do next.
Auron: …Like I was saying, Cid-san, we should install an Al Bhed brothel around the new Home…
Cid: Oh, that sounds quite naughty…but nevertheless, the money that we'll earn will all go to Rin's bank for our Home! That doesn't sound so bad…
Rikku: Pops, stop luring others into your new Home plans!!
Wakka: I agree with that idea though.
Lulu: Wakka… (Glares)
Kimahri: (Shakes his head and sighs)
Tidus: Wow…these people… I think I'm gonna go explore a bit. This thing is huge!
(Tidus travels around the airship and eventually ends up in a hall with Issaru and Maroda.)
Tidus: Hey. Where's the kid?
Maroda: Pacce is napping right now.
Issaru: …Ah! I can't believe I wasn't able to commit suicide in front of everyone's eyes! That way, I could've been revered as a hero in all of history…!
Tidus & Maroda: …
Maroda: Brother…-
Issaru: Stop calling me that! I'm not your 'brother'! You were simply picked up from the streets along with the short kid!!
Maroda: (Gasps) I-it can't be…!!
Tidus: Umm…this is like some kind of Springer show…
Issaru: But nevertheless, (Sighs) Maroda has been constantly begging me not to continue my journey ever since the confession back at the summoner sanctum. Pacce was actually crying his little eyes out because of that.
Tidus: Well, I still think it's a stupid decision.
Issaru: Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do?
Tidus: …That's true. Well, sorry then.
(Tidus moves on to encounter Rin.)
Tidus: Ah! Rin! Ed'c paah cilr y muhk desa ymnayto. (It's been such a long time already.)
Rin: Ah. Tidus, E caa oui'ja paah cditoehk uin myhkiyka. Oui'ja esbnujat. (I see you've been studying our language. You've improved.)
Tidus: Ahaha. Rin, that whole little new Home plan of yours, are you really going to go on with it?
Rin: Heheh… Tidus, how wealthy do you think I am?
Tidus: Eh?
Rin: Come on, just guess.
Tidus: Umm…well, since I seem to visit you five times a day- I might say…a gillionaire?
Rin: Fufu… You…are correct! I am the richest man in all of Spira, no matter their status or lineage! I will always be at the top of all others! Bwahaha!
Tidus: …
Rin: So, would you like to take a look at my wares?
Tidus: Ok!
(Tidus leaves Rin and comes upon Dona.)
Dona: I'm quitting my pilgrimage.
Tidus: Oh, that's so sad… Would you like to be my slave instead…?
Dona: Hey, hey, just because I'm an African American doesn't mean that I believe in all of this, "white man slave trade" thing, alright? (She storms off.)
Tidus: …Wow. I was going to actually recruit her for Auron's idea of an Al Bhed hooker place for the new Home.
(Tidus returns to the control room to see Auron and Cid arguing…)
Cid: I'm telling ya, there's no way you're going to use my newly-established Home's hooker services free of charge- even if you were the one to suggest it!
Auron: Hey, hey, you know how many hookers would gladly join my idea since I was the one who suggested it? No one would follow such an old fogie like you!
Lulu: Like Exkii-sama said?
Auron: Gah! Don't remind me! My love…!
All: …
Cid: And listen, I can't send my niece to become a hooker in my brothel if she decides to quit her journey!
Tidus: (Gasps) Auron, what are you suggesting?
Auron: Look, I'm tired of "Little Miss Perfect" trying to run our lives. I've decided, we'll just sell her contract over to Cid.
Lulu: That was actually my idea, thank you very much. (Smiles)
Tidus: Oh dear. But you guys do know that without Yuna, we can't exactly go on with the show… I can't be a poor actor living in a room full of smelly losers again!! No-o-o-o!... (He holds his head.)
Wakka: Don't worry about it, brudda. We've got it all under control… Al Bhed Psych!
(The Al Bhed Psych blitzball team comes from the ceiling like ninjas!?)
Tidus: W-what the…? Aren't you guys that kidnapped Yuna?!
Al Bhed Psych: Cen! (Sir!)
Wakka: Heheh… They are under my control since I bribed their leader with my personal Puerto Rican massage girls!
Lulu: Didn't they run away?
Brother: Vydran! E'ja vuiht ran! (Father! I've found her!)
Cid: Naymmo! Frana ec cra? (Really! Where is she?)
Brother closes in on a video of Yuna in a wedding dress- chained?!, alongside Seymour.
Tidus: Whoa, Yuna?! That's…kinda kinky…
Lulu: She's at Bevelle.
Tidus: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's just break in and save the day!
Rikku: Yeah, we have to save Mistress Yunie!
Cid: You got it, kid.
Rikku: But why is Seymour right next to her…?
Auron: He's an unsent, his evil presence will just continue to linger on the surface.
Lulu: She might be…willing to go through with the wedding.
All: … Ah!
Kimahri: Yuna. Like Seymour.
All: That's right…!!
Rikku: B-but, that's not possible, is it? I thought he was just an idiot!
Lulu: Remember that strange personality disorder Seymour has? She might be falling in love with that side of him.
Wakka: …Hey, how do you think their kids will turn out?
All: I don't even want to think about it…!!
Auron: Well, it's Yuna's life, let's just go on with ours…-
Tidus: (A fire burns in his eyes.) No way.
Auron: T-Tidus?
Tidus: I'm gonna get my mack on later! There's no way I'm gonna let someone else get to her before I do!
Rikku: What if she's
not virgin?
Tidus: …Aw man! That's disgusting, Rikku!
Cid: Stop arguing and get going! My neicy is in trouble there!
Rikku: Hey, how come you never care about me that way too, Pops?!
Cid: You're the lovechild, Rikku. I need not to care about you any longer.
Rikku: (Cries)
All: …
Rin then runs in.
Rin: Bad news, some of the remaining Guados have snuck onto the airship!
Cid: What?! I'll show them… Kids, get going! No one messes with Cid and gets away with it!
Rin: Well then, would you like to shop Rin before leaving?
Tidus: I'll take…-
Wakka: Stop buying from him, Tidus! He's a bad man!
Tidus: What?
(Leave the control room and head towards the deck. As you head up the stairs and go near the windows, something big comes up near the crew…)
Tidus: Whoa! What is that thing?
A dragon is seen.
Lulu: That's Evrare, the protector of Bevelle. He becomes quite hostile when we don't use the front doors…
Auron: …You think we can eat that?
All: (Looks at Auron)
Auron: Alright, if you must know, I am actually half Chinese- cause my eyes are like this! (He stretches them horizontally.)
All: … (Leaves without him)
Auron: …Hey, I was just admitting the truth. (Shrugs)
(Tidus is about to enter the lift to the deck when…)
Tidus: Gah! Rin! Why are you here? I thought Wakka told you that we didn't want to buy anything from you?
Wakka: That's right, brudda!
Rin: Tidus, it's inevitable- you can't hide from me.
Tidus: W-what? Why…?
Rin: Because…I am your…father.
Tidus: Kya-a-a-a!
Auron: That's not possible. I told Tidus that his father is Moby Dick.
Rin: Huh? Really? Oh, that's no fun! Well, I'll see you then. (Waves and runs away)
All: …
(They proceed to the deck, where Evrare will swoop through the skies and end up next to the airship. It's time to commence battle!)
Auron: I'm not kidding, can we eat that thing?
Tidus: Oh god, Auron. You Chinese are disgusting.
Cid: (From megaphone) Kids! Give me the sign when you want to move away from that beastly Chinese dragon!
Rikku: Wow, it's a real Chinese dragon?! I thought these things only existed in fairy tales! (Her eyes sparkle.)
All: …
Evrae: Why do you humans keep saying that I am, 'Chinese'? I am a Spiran, just like all of you.
All: He spoke…!!
Rikku: Oh no, Evrae-sama, I am Al Bhed. I am different from those imbeciles!
All: Don't try to make yourself special!!
Evrae: Ah, an honest girl. Tell me, what is your desire? I can grant anything…
All: A magic dragon?!
Rikku: Ooh, goodie! Well, first…-
Tidus: (Pushes her off the airship deck)
Rikku: Kya-a-a-a-a-a…!!
Tidus: That thing is a fiend! (Points at Evrare)
Evrare: Eh?! Me?
Tidus: He only talks cause I'm on hallucinogens! Don't listen to a word he says!
All: …
Tidus: Didn't I tell you all that I went on a mushroom trip just yesterday?
Auron: (Sighs) Whatever he is trying to say, we have to get rid of Evrae, otherwise we cannot get into Bevelle.
Evrare: Oh dear… Darn you humans!
(Evrae is murdered! What will happen next?!)