Chapter 25
Ozymandias Seeking the Light - Part 2 of 4
"That's your Earth?"
"Afraid so. The Empire spends so much time in space, conquering new worlds, and protecting what they have, there's not much left for their subjects. You get food and a place to live. The only jobs are self-employment, except for Starfleet, and the military." He could feel the knots forming in his insides as he spoke. He half laughed then. "The first emperor sold it as Utopia. Everyone was to be taken care of. No starvation, no illness, no homelessness." Tucker watched thinking how very far away 'home' seemed as he watched the screen. "He kept his promises. But then the majority of the Empire's subjects became lazy and weak from having nothing to do except invent ways to entertain themselves or make themselves numb to fill up empty hours, days, weeks." His voice trailed off as he remembered what his life had been like until he discovered engines. There was Lizzie and endless empty weeks that turned into years until he escaped.
Sitting there next to Trip, he continued to look at the images in his little slide show. "They send you to school to learn to read and write. You can even go to college but it's all for nothing unless you have a skill the Empire needs. Unless you sign your life away for a position in Starfleet or with the MACOs to be a soldier. Few of those left on Earth try producing anything because it means having to protect it and that ends up being a full-time job."
Anger rose up as Tucker remembered all those he'd watched as a kid try to create something for themselves. "All the security people are protecting the emperor or the local minions and their property, which leaves the rest of them to fend for themselves." Tucker didn't tell him of the thousands who fled the cities and lived in encampments wherever the weather was suitable all over Earth. These people survived off the land, and if they kept to themselves they were allowed to remain free of much of the influence of the Empire. And he didn't say how often he wondered if they had the right idea.
Trip studied the screen watching what was being captured on surveillance cameras positioned all across Earth but as the images changed from place to place, he saw there was nothing unique or distinctive to distinguish one city from the other. To an outside observer these people might appear to be prosperous and thriving. The air was clean, as was the rest of the environment, and the pre-fabbed buildings were maintained. The people's clothing was decent and Tucker had said housing, re-sequenced food, and medical care was readily available. But then he studied their faces. Their eyes were pools of despair. Hollow windows to hopelessness. The scenes were interchangeable. This entire world lacked real color or originality. On the hierarchy of needs, the basic ones for survival were being met but that left most of humanity with a life that held no responsibility or meaning.
And this was what Emperor Archer wanted to rule? "I don't mean to sound insensitive but why would anyone fight and die to rule over a people who simply exist?"
"You'd have to ask those who seem to want to rule. I've never given it much thought. Had more important things like finding a way to survive to worry about." Having grown up and then leaving when Starfleet offered him the opportunity to do something with his natural affinity with engines, the young man allowed that pursuit to take over his attention. As an adult, he hadn't thought much about Earth or the Terran Empire. Instead, he'd been trying to appear loyal and keep them from stealing his youth and interjecting him life with never-ending pain and fear.
---
The chime to his quarters sounded. 17:50. He opened the door. "You're early."
She was never early and never late but her anxiety had gotten the best of her. "Is that a problem, Commander?" She answered trying to overcome the apprehension she felt being here.
"No just a surprise." He desperately chewed on the inside of his cheek trying to shock himself out of this nervousness. It had been a long day so the sooner this was done the better.
"You stated that I must tell you of the last two years?" Her control was shaky but back. What had changed so much that she found herself here? She never wanted to just go back and undo what she'd done? She started off trying to tell herself it was the bond and if she could just keep him from knowing, all would be as it should be again. She avoided these questions because the answers were of no help. The lies she told herself, the very un-Vulcan deception she had been guilty of was not only with Tucker but also with herself. Until now that, unconscious constant tug-of-war, was what had gotten her through her days.
"Yes. So how do you want to do this?" His strength was scattered from constant fits of apprehension and agitation but he stood his ground.
She would prefer to meld with him and just dump all the memories for him to pick through but he'd taken that option away from her. "Be seated and I will begin."
Tucker sat on the couch while she looked around the nearly empty room. There were no pictures or personal items anywhere. A meditation pillow was propped up in the corner with candles sitting next to it. She reached for the pillow and sat on the floor across the room from him. Meditating...where had he learned about it and was he really utilizing the practice of it somehow?
He saw the unspoken question flit through her expression and answered as if it was a normal thing for him to be doing. "I've been learning how to mediate and it's easier when I use that stuff." He'd tried to sit quiet and focus without the candle like Trip did but the flame gave him something to focus on.
She ignored his comment deciding to inquire about the purpose of his new habit later. For now, she needed to get this over with before she lost her nerve or got swallowed up in these emotions she could not suppress. "I will start with my Pon Farr..." T'Pol told him of her plan for that time and how the bond formed between them. She then went on to explain the dreams and the times she had melded with him to get him to do her bidding and again to wipe the memories away. She talked for over an hour with no emotion and he sat there quietly listening, practicing what Trip and T'Pol had been teaching him, but stunned at the extent of her deception.
"That is all." She said when she finished, trying to maintain the detached demeanor she had been presenting during this whole ordeal.
He'd begun to think she would never get to the end and wanted it over. He remained quiet as if waiting for her to say something else and finally after several minutes asked her, "Is there something else?" All he could think is he hoped not because his ability to restrain his temper would be lost if he had to withstand much more.
He'd said she must ask him to forgive her but she had hoped he had not meant it. "You wish me to apologize to you. I am sorry."
"What is it exactly that you're sorry for?" A part of him wanted nothing more than to rip into her but he wouldn't. He couldn't or he risked totally losing it.
"For deceiving you...for bonding with you...for causing you pain." For the last two years. She could see the pain she had caused him and for the first time she truly regretted her actions.
"Damn you you used me. Why? Did it ever occur to you that I might just help you if you asked?"
"Humans are not known to sympathize with other species." That was true but she never really considered the possibility.
His insides were twisting about as he clenched his fists to keep his reactions contained. "That's crap and you know it. I'm one human guy not the whole damn human race." He'd spent most of the last two years lusting after her yet she still lumped him in with the rest of his species and saw them all as cruel, untrustworthy tyrants.
"How am I to believe you?" Tucker took care of Tucker by taking care of his engines and the people who worked in Engineering. It didn't matter what he said or that she had felt those emotions from him, he cared about nothing but himself. She had chanted this mantra to herself over and over and over until it became an automatic response to whatever she might feel about him.
"I don't know. Either you do or you don't." There was nothing he could do to make her believe in him. He had no experience wanting to, which left him clueless as to what it required.
This was accomplishing nothing. "You wished me to give you all your memories back?" She made a move towards him.
"Whoa. You told me everything right?" He pushed her arm away from his face. "Of course you did because if you didn't I'd know after you meld with me again." He watched her reaction and was surprised by how much he'd felt coming through when his hand briefly touched her arm.
"I may have missed an encounter and what I recounted is from my perspective but yes I've told you everything I remember." It would serve no purpose to lie to him.
"Then we're done here. I don't want you to give them back to me. I have the flashes I thought were dreams and what you told me and that's enough." That was more than enough and with her confession, it was actually more than he'd imagined.
"Are you sure?" He had stated rather emphatically that she was to recount her misdeeds and then give him back his memories but now seemed to have altered what he expected from her.
"Our other selves told me it would be extremely painful for you to undo what you did. I'd have to be a masochist to put myself through that for memories I don't really want anyway. Don't you think?" He snapped at her clenching his teeth together to keep himself from screaming out all the pain and anger he felt at the moment.
"If that is your wish." The possibility that the Tucker she had come to know was not the real Tucker was becoming more and more haunting. Had she misjudged him on incomplete information?
He needed to be alone. His agitation was building. "It is." Then he snapped at her again with much more of a snarl. "Is there anything else you need to tell me?"
"No, but we will need to discuss the bond and decide how we wish to proceed." She needed something more from him but was unable to identify what it was.
"Well, aren't we kind of stuck with it unless we both agree otherwise. And if we did that we'd need to find a way to get to Vulcan without anyone knowing and have a priest see if he can undo it. RIGHT?" The last word came out in a yell.
Surprised at his succinctness and knowledge she just said, "Yes." They might find one in one of the off-world colonies but making contact with a priest would not be easy no matter where they were and at this point, it would be dangerous to sever it anyway.
Tucker sounded as if he'd accepted their situation but he really hadn't. To do that he'd have to accept that T'Pol had feelings for him yet let him be tortured and risked his life. That she didn't find his looks to be hideous as he expected any woman would. And then he'd have to be completely honest with himself and fully accept that his own feelings really did go beyond lust. As it was his emotions and thoughts had been and were being batted back and forth like a ping-pong ball, and just when he found a rhythm that let him start to sort things out the ball slammed the surface and whizzed by him so fast he barely perceived it.
"Then we'll just have to do the best we can with things the way they are." He'd managed for two years being bonded to her and now that he knew it should be easier. "If there's nothing else I'm hungry and then I need to get some sleep. You can go." He stood and walked to the door and stood there waiting for her to leave. "GET OUT."
This was not what she'd expected but her expectations had been tested greatly in the last several days so she'd have to adjust them again. "How are we to proceed from here?"
"I'll see you in Engineering or on the bridge. We'll go on as we have been..." His volume rose..."except I do not want you invading my dreams anymore. Just stay the hell out of my head." 'Get her out of here' kept running through his thoughts. Out of my head, out of my life, just get out. He had blocked her from his mind and intended to continue but wanted her to know she was not welcomed in his head anymore. Suddenly he had no energy left. "Get out," barely made it across his lips as he watched the door close.
---
Trip finished his dinner and shower. His only form of relaxation, except mediation, with T'Pol in her trance. He slept next to her but he missed her. He imagined this was how she'd felt for all those weeks. He'd started reading the texts she'd gotten from Soval aloud in Vulcan. It kept his mind occupied and it was good practice. Half way through the second page, he felt it or heard it. He allowed the pull to move him into the next room to the bed. Staring at T'Pol he felt his breathing synchronize with hers as his fingers went to her face. The contact made, the words began repeating themselves in his head. "My mind to your mind..." Their minds came together and completely intertwined. He felt like he was inside of her and she was inside of him.
"T'Pol?" This was intense. The thought that he should wait came to him so he sat down and did just that.
After several minutes, T'Pol spoke to him. "I am here."
A smile broke out across his face. "You called out to me and I just knew what to do." He was touching her face and then this awareness came to him that this shared space had taken on a new dimension. T'Pol had described it as a construct where perception and their senses were separate and one and became heightened because they were bonded.
"I told you as my mate you would know what to do. You didn't believe me?"
"Don't give me a hard time. You didn't say I'd know how to do this and I still don't get how I do." It must be her feeding his mind what he needed. "This is a mind meld isn't it?" He could feel her surprise at his knowing this.
"Yes. My people must have thought if they didn't name it no one would know that all Vulcans are capable of performing them." She wondered how many Vulcans accidently discovered this secret of melding and continued to learn and practice once they understood.
"Weren't you taking a big chance counting on a human being capable of performing a Vulcan mind meld?" He hadn't even asked if she was all right but he knew she was. He thought of the question and the answer was there.
"Why? You are a human capable of bonding to a Vulcan; therefore; it follows that you are capable of performing whatever your mate requires. Your mind has been absorbing all the information you need to survive as a bonded mate." How this worked Vulcans had been studying for centuries. Some part of their brain activated when a bond was established and the functioning became instinctual, visceral. Protection of the bond and the bondmates was a natural process ensuring the continuation of the Vulcans as a species.
"So does this mean our bond will be complete?" He wished to complete it but T'Pol may not.
"If we wish it to be. But first, we need to discuss this discord between us. You are still upset at yourself and I need to understand why you did not trust me." He'd tried to explain it but she needed to truly understand.
"I told you before it was me I didn't trust. My emotions were wearing me out and I didn't have enough strength to protect you and I wasn't going to risk your mental health because I let things get so bad that I broke down again." This whole topic still frustrated him. "Should have known just because my human brain can handle being bonded to a Vulcan doesn't mean it can handle everything Vulcan. Trying to suppress my emotions only made it worse when you finally made me let them go. And for a while I hated you for making it hurt so much." Trip remembered that feeling when she ripped his barriers away and his emotions were threatening to overwhelm him. Later he knew it hadn't been her fault and she would never intentionally hurt him if it could be avoided.
She needed to make this less stressful for him. "Would you object to my finding the answers I need on my own?" She felt his apprehension. When she drugged him, she had forced open all those doors he'd forced closed and he feared she would do that again. "I will never go into those places again. I did not look at any of those memories and will not unless you give me access to them."
"You can go wherever you want." The doors were still ajar waiting until he had time to complete his new mental routines and could close them once again. He had no choice. Phlox had finally made him see that closing the doors and locking them were entirely different things. Closing them allowed them to open occasionally to let him feel the pain and hurt in smaller increments when appropriate. Locking them away as he had in the past gave them immense power over him forever. He relaxed and let her search for what it was she needed from him.
After several minutes, she was back. "See that was painless and now I understand why you did what you did. There was no intention to hurt me. You were doing what you thought you needed to do to heal yourself and protect me. I do sense that your darker emotions are still causing you discomfort."
"I told you before they weren't all gone. And when Tucker helped me get you back to our quarters, he used his negative emotions because they were the strongest and easiest for him to gain the strength I needed. It released some of my demons again. But I'm handling it." He'd just tamped them all down and would rather not have to do it again but he had no choice. He'd spent the last couple of days processing and because he'd stop fighting it, it was less acute this time around.
She could sense he wasn't pushing the feelings away anymore and was allowing his mind to process them as they came forward. "I forgive you." She whispered to him. There was nothing to forgive but he needed to hear it to release his guilt, so she said it.
Something inside him released when he heard those words and his thoughts turned to completing the bond. "It will help you if we complete the bond?" He wagged his finger in her face. "It always would have but you didn't tell me."
"You were not ready for a complete bond, nor was I. We needed time to adjust to each other and the demands a bond places on our minds." It needed to be done naturally not forced. "Think of the difficulties we have had and also remember even two Vulcans take a year to adjust to a bond."
"I understand and I'm not upset but let's complete it. There's really no valid reason to wait if it can help you unless it messes with your traditions." She might want to wait until their marriage. "There's something you need to know before you decide." He thought about the encounter with Commander T'Pol in the turbolift. "Is there any possibility that she could complete a bond with me instead of Tucker?" He could sense the terrified reaction of his mate. It was equal to his own even though Commander T'Pol and Tucker were both aware of the bonds. She had thought their counterparts bond was complete but perhaps the barriers had prevented that from happening or the restrictions being placed on the connection may be causing all the accidental crossover from one bond to another.
T'Pol didn't know for sure but she took no more time to consider it. There was no way she was going to allow that to be a possibility. "We will complete the bond. No one will be able to intrude again." She stood in front of Trip and turned him to face her. He felt her enter his mind more fully than before. Here she touched her two fingers to his. "We simply need to relax all our barriers and concentrate on the bond and it will complete itself. We will speak the words at the ritual with the priest." During the ritual, the priest normally initiated the beginning of the final bonding process and it became official after a year unless the couple were unable to complete the bond and ended the marriage. When the priest spoke the ancient words at their wedding it would become official as the bond would already be complete.
No more voices, no more dreams. Trip let the relief pass through him as he let down all his barriers and felt T'Pol's come down. What he normally perceived as T'Pol in his mind was only a piece of her. This was the totality of who she was. The physical nature of this had been unexpected. It felt as if their bodies were intertwined when he arrived but now they felt like one body. He could identify every ache, pain, twitch, or need in their body. The connection surged for several minutes then the sensations leveled out leaving him feeling stronger with a profound sense of well-being. Then he heard T'Pol speaking to him. "We are now fully bonded."
"It seems anti-climatic after all this time." But then he realized there was a whole new set of sensations because the physical forms they saw in their minds weren't speaking as they had before but he was hearing thoughts like they were speaking.
"There is still much to learn about our bond. You will see. We must leave here. I am still weak and it requires much to remain here."
Trip focused on their quarters and returned to find himself laying next to T'Pol with his fingers still on her face. He took her in his arms. "I missed you." The thought of celebrating came out of nowhere and felt like his own but he knew better. He hadn't been thinking about anything but having her awake.
"We can't celebrate you're not completely well yet and I'd rather wait until we're back on Enterprise in our own quarters." This place was depressing and as much as he wanted to just be and lift his and T'Pol's mood, celebrating here was not something he wanted to do.
"What happened to that repressed Vulcan I used to know?" He felt her shields going up and still there was this intense desire calling to him. The physical connectedness and euphoria he felt in the meld was still there.
"Perhaps it has something to do with the male who bonded with me."
"So it's my fault you turned into a wanton woman? Somehow, I doubt that. It was you who seduced me that first time or have I got that wrong too?" She was feeling so much better and he was glad.
T'Pol had no answer for this so instead she kissed him leaving no doubt about how she wished to celebrate. He let down his guard and admitted he wanted this as much as she did, but not here.
Trip pulled away trying to catch his breathe. The last time she kissed him like that..."Hold on. I want you too but are you sure you're ready for this? Pain and making love don't really go together for me and what about your control?" His concern for her emotional difficulties took over.
"This will be the first test of using our completed bond to process my emotions." Then she considered the pain. "I am sure we can find a way to prevent any further injury to my ribs."
Trip had a thought. "Okay, but we have to go somewhere." This was a Constitution class ship like Lexington with holodeck technology. They just needed to find one. He could deal with being here if they could pretend they were somewhere else.
They stepped into the corridor. Trip spoke to the MACO nearest him. "Ensign, can you tell me where the nearest holodeck is?" He assumed they knew of their existence although he hadn't heard anyone talking about them.
"There's one a deck below us. But no one knows how to use it." The ensign knew of the holodecks but with Archer taking over and being focused on defending his new position little time had been invested in utilizing the new technology.
Trip ignored him, taking T'Pol's hand, heading for the turbolift. Followed closely by the MACO guards. When they arrived he reached out to open the door. Noticing the ensigns moving to follow them in he turned. "Look, there's no other way out and we really don't need any chaperones."
They both stepped back and allowed the door to close. He'd said he'd never need to take shore leave if he had access to this technology and now he needed someplace romantic and as far removed from reality as he could find. Trip accessed the menu and ordered food and tea for her while he started down the list of available simulations.
No place sounded right and he had better things to do than scan through all the choices so he designed a place. The place didn't matter only the mood. Trip constructed a room where the temperature was set at 27˚C. He requested a bearskin rug and a fire, reminding T'Pol the rug was simulated and hadn't come from a real bear. T'Pol requested he add music so he asked for light instrumental jazz to play in the background.
They laid down, started to kiss, hands started to wander, the bond flared up, and brains disengaged from thought. When he woke up plastered against her side, more satisfied than he could ever remember he rolled onto his back and smiled. For some time they had been entangled in each other's body exploring and pleasuring their mate. She had waited so long to fully experience her feelings this way that she wasted no time showing him what she had learned about him through neuro-pressure. He hadn't known she had a visual map of his body in her head that told her the spot at the base of his spine was the most sensitive and how to stretch each of his reactions and what type of reaction each touch would evoke. She reveled in the response he had to her and did not allow him to reciprocate the attention until much later. She said it was his reward for waiting for so long to fully express his feelings for her. At first he wanted to object but then he tuned into what she was feeling.
T'Pol was right they had needed this time together and to let go of all the tension they'd been holding onto. And they had managed not to reinjure her ribcage. When she let her passion go, without restraint, the frightening emotions she had struggled with were still there, but with a shift in focus and practice they worked out how to redirect them away from her mind and into the bond where their combined essences could dispel them.
He woke up and could tell she was deeply asleep but he also knew she was going to wake up hungry. He gave the computer instructions to present her with breakfast as soon as she woke up and then he wrapped himself around her and drifted back to sleep.
---
Engineering was a contradiction of moods. Trip was happy, smiling, teasing, and joking with the others. His goal for the day was to get all the engineers to laugh or at least smile. Even those he didn't know. He didn't even mind Kelby, who he'd come to believe was a horses ass in every universe.
T'Pol's entrance was marked by wide berths and avoidance of her expected foul mood after having been tortured, ill, and cooped up for days. But while she kept her face unexpressive the crew soon could sense she was relaxed and in what could be considered a good mood for a Vulcan.
Then there was Amanda Cole guarding Trip and T'Pol. Archer had gone through Reed's quarters and office and found the very last surveillance disk, which showed the incident with T'Pol and the Corporal that Reed had used as an excuse to torture the Vulcan. He called Cole and Sgt. Mayweather to his Ready Room and ordered her busted back to private, which ranked her below the crewman and just above the insects on the ship. She would be subject to the whims of every member of the crew, except the slaves, on the ship.
A MACO with any ambition hated being stuck stationed outside in the corridors watching and waiting knowing very little of note would happen. Private Cole would be guarding someone or something even if there were no legitimate need. As punishment, they'd simply assign her to watch an unused doorway. She made her displeasure known to anyone within earshot of her many comments about every little infraction of the rules she observed. From Trip's hurried acknowledgment of the officers when his arm returned to his side to quickly to the slight to Tucker's rank when anyone failed to address him as Commander or sir. Tucker would have had her removed from her assignment but his cruel streak kicked in and he decided he wanted revenge so he positioned her just inside the hatch, where if she stood at attention, as was required, his usual work area was directly in front of her. To further the torment he let her rant and simply tuned her out, and passed the word that everyone else was to act as if she was not there.
As the morning progressed Tucker ran around barking at everyone. Shouting orders and striking out at every person or component that didn't respond quick enough or in the manner he wanted. He was known to have a temper but this was over the top even for him. Everyone began avoiding him. He'd gone into his office several times for short periods and reappeared calmer but these breaks became more and more frequent.
Late into the shift, Trip went to tweak a few settings in the maintenance shaft at the far end of Engineering. Tucker came in to assist him. "We're having a problem with keeping the balance of matter/antimatter. Seems like the flow regulators are being restricted by some routine in the computer."
"Must be some safety protocol that's not operating the way it's supposed to or we have more than one problem." Trip had been tracking the flow since he'd arrived that morning but hadn't isolated the problem yet so decided to walk away for a while and let his subconscious work on it. "Are you okay? Trip watched as Tucker tried using the relaxation techniques they'd taught him.
"Hell, I don't know but if you don't wipe that smile off your face I'm going to hurt you." Tucker hadn't seen anyone smile that much for that long ever. He didn't often see anyone smile and seeing a mirror image of the Tucker he saw in his own head, that happy all day, was unnerving him. And in the mood he was in he might really haul off and hit Trip.
"Can't I have just one day of feeling really good here?" Trip continued working the circuits thinking how depressing this place was and that this was the first time he'd felt anything but that. This served to strengthen his determination to hold onto that happy feeling he woke up with.
"Something's different with you and T'Pol. I can't feel you in my head even when I try to." They disappeared the previous night and there was something in Trip's manner today that made him curious.
"It's the bond. Turns out, I had to meld with her to bring her out of that trance so we decided it was best to just let it complete itself. No more intrusive dreams or unwanted appearances in our heads." And no chance of any T'Pol but his own bonding with him. Trip stopped working and when he looked at Tucker, he realized just how much pain he was trying to hide.
"Ah so you...never mind none of my business. Glad somebody had a good night." That explained the MACO's report that the pair had spent the entre night in the holodeck.
Trip took a deep breath letting himself sink into his good mood but then his concern for Tucker surfaced again. "I thought the Commander did what you wanted and told you everything. If she's leaving you alone, what's wrong?"
"She did and I don't know what's going on. I thought it would make this easier." He rubbed at the back of his head trying to relieve the pressure there.
Trip hadn't seen much of the Commander so she was staying away and she hadn't been in his dreams since they'd taught Tucker how to block her out. She must have caught on and stopped before Tucker confronted her. With his and T'Pol's bond being inaccessible, he didn't understand what the problem was. "Is she still making excursions into your head?"
"No, but whatever this is it's painful. I meditated for hours last night just so I can function but my head keeps throbbing no matter what I do. I slept or I thought I did but woke up feeling like I never went to bed and I can't stop thinking about her. It looks like I'm just going to have to get through minute by minute and day by day." But he didn't know how much longer he could keep this up.
"You make it sound like your trying to beat an addiction." He understood the one day at a time approach. He'd tried the same thing when he tried to walk away from T'Pol.
He hadn't thought of it that way but that was exactly what this felt like. Getting over a two-year addiction. "I guess I am and if I can just keep going eventually it will just give up and go away."
"And I thought I was the prize idiot where T'Pol was concerned." Trip hadn't mentioned the other timelines to him but now he needed to. "There's something you need to know. I've meet up with three different versions of us. The first one was on our Enterprise that had been thrown back, out of our timeline, a little over one hundred years when our ship tried to use this corridor in space. That Trip and T'Pol had gotten married and had a son Lorian, who we meet. The second one was Captain Tucker from a timeline that was in the same year but had technology and a ship just like Defiant. That Tucker and T'Pol were an engaged couple. And then there's you. And you're bonded to your T'Pol. Do you see a pattern here?"
Sweat began forming on his forehead and small ripples ran through his muscles. "So just because we're together in other timelines doesn't mean we should be together here. I can do this without her."
"And how's this one day at a time thing working out for you? You do know that the headaches are only going to get worse." Trip sputtered back at him more emphatically than he'd meant too. He hadn't considered the consequences now that the bond he shared with T'Pol had been closed off. There was no longer an outlet for the bond Tucker shared with the Commander so the discomfort and pressure would become acute and so would his explosive anger.
"Maybe we can get it back to how it was before..." Almost as an afterthought he added."...minus the dreams." He held his head trying to keep himself steady.
Trip laughed at that. "Sorry but there's no reverse. It just doesn't work that way. Our being here may have sped up the process but trust me that bond has a purpose and one way or another it will bring you two together. The only decision you have from now on is how miserable do you want to be?" Just then he heard the door to the maintenance shaft open.
"Afternoon, T'Pol. What can we do for you?" Trip knew the answer but asked the question anyway.
Tucker turned completely around to see her. "Damn you. He called you somehow, didn't he?"
He hadn't called her but she had picked up his thoughts. "No. We are concerned that you are causing yourself harm."
"I knew there must be a reason why the pain got so bad." Tucker was starting to think of the bond as another pissed off person in this screwed up triangle. The engineer suddenly understood what was wrong. There was no longer a release valve for their bond, so the excess energy had nowhere to go. It would continue to try pushing past their shields and the continued effort to prevent it would cause his head to implode.
"It was going to happen once we left so maybe it's good it happened while we're still here to help." Trip didn't know what help they could offer but he was going to try.
Tucker let loose with all the force of the frustration he was holding inside. "Stop treating me like your patient or whatever it is you're doing. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it." He couldn't either but it wasn't up to them. Where had that come from? He never cared about things like that. He was more of a go along to get along kind of guy. You lived longer. Tucker tossed his tools in Trip's direction and moved to the opening of the shaft. The agitation was building and he needed to think and he couldn't do it like this. "There's not enough room in here for all of us. You two finish this." He dropped down to the floor, closed the door, and left them alone.
Trip smiled at T'Pol. "He'll figure it out eventually. I tried to help but if we push he'll fight back harder and we need him thinking as clearly as possible." Their plan or Tucker's plan actually was proceeding but they needed him to get out of here and if Trip was right, they only had a week or so left before Starfleet declared them MIA and ordered Enterprise to seal that hole the Tholians ripped open. That is if the Tholians hadn't already sealed it themselves.
When they came back to Engineering, it was to an argument between Ensign Biggs and Lt. Kelby. Fists were flying and Commander T'Pol had just stepped through the hatch. Great, Tucker thought. I don't need this today and now what do I do? In the past Reed would have swooped in and taken the loser for punishment and when they returned Tucker would have listened to their apology and sent them back to work. Not wanting Mayweather to gather too much power, as Reed had, meant Tucker had to administer all his own discipline, Starfleet style. He'd never had a liking for being cruel just to be cruel but Starfleet demanded their officers be ruthless and not show any weakness. He continued to stand there watching the two fight, waiting for a victor. Biggs had Kelby pinned under him pounding his face and upper chest.
Mayweather entered, moving to intercede but Tucker threw his arm across his chest and snapped at him. "Let them finish, Sergeant. You can leave, I'll deal with them."
Since when did Tucker deal with anything? Reed had always dealt with the crew as head of security. He started to say something but Tucker spoke again first.
"This is my department. I outrank you and I'm ordering you out of here NOW. Unless I comm you for assistance your services are not required. Is that understood?" Tucker didn't wait for his answer.
Mayweather appealed to Commander T'Pol non-verbally. The First Officer didn't even consider Mayweather's position, she was not going to countermand Tucker's order. "You heard the Commander. Engineering is his responsibility."
Tucker didn't say anything, instead he just angrily directed the MACO out of Engineering.
Kelby was now semi-conscious and bleeding on the floor with Biggs standing over him. Trip reached down and removed Kelby's insignia handing it to Biggs. "Lt. Biggs. You take over Kelby's crew. Ensign Kelby you report to Sickbay and once you're cleared for duty you report to Lt. Biggs." Tucker watched as the implications of what he'd done sank in.
"You can't...put me under him." Kelby spit out.
"I have no objection to anyone moving up the food chain but if you're going to interrupt my work you'd better be damned sure it's worth my time." It wouldn't stop the power plays but it might make them think a little longer before they initiated one. He turned to two ensigns, pointing at Kelby. "Get him out of here and somebody clean up my floor." The startled crew moved to comply.
On his way up, Tucker grabbed the back of Kelby's collar and whipped his head back to whisper in his ear. "You better make this work because if he decides to kill you I won't interfere." His hand moved up the back of Kelby's head and shoved him forward hard enough that the two ensigns holding him up almost lost their grip on him. Biggs wouldn't kill him unless he became a problem simply because they were already short staffed and Biggs wasn't going to add to his own workload.
Letting that go he turned to see what the First Officer wanted so he could get her out of Engineering and back on the Bridge. "Commander T'Pol what can we do for you today?" Seeing her reminded him of his pounding head.
"Could we step into your office?" She was almost to the door already.
"Sure go ahead." He followed her in.
"Commander Tucker, I require your assistance if you are willing."
Commander Tucker and she was asking not ordering. "Since you're being so nice I assume this is not a duty request?"
T'Pol kept trying to convince herself this was a mistake. She couldn't trust him. Then again, he was making an effort to be an officer and take charge and although he was extremely angry he hadn't been anymore abrasive than normal and taken his anger out on her or anyone else like she thought he would. "You did suggest that had I asked for your assistance in the past you would have considered my request."
He made a circle around his desk forcing the pain down. Why had he said that? He'd guessed that she was operating in some kind of underground or resistance movement for the Vulcans. Did he really want to get involved? "I did, didn't I?" If she was going to trust him...wait. Trust? How could he trust her? Why would he after what she's done? And did he really want her to trust him? The words were out of his mouth before he'd even considered the answers. "Okay, what do you need my help with?"
"Several aliens aboard require medical attention but none of them have confidence in Phlox, so arrangements have been made for supplies to be delivered to treat them. Such shipments used to be made to other ships and then transferred to Enterprise. Now they must be made directly to Defiant and we need someone to receive those shipments. I would like them to come to you in Engineering. I also wish for you to give me the security codes for all the access points on Defiant." Archer was paranoid and had not given her complete access to the ship.
"So not only are you working with the Vulcans you're working with the other species as well?" His laugh was almost manic as the thought of how deep he was already down this particular rabbit hole registered.
"You have considered this?" T'Pol had wanted to avoid this larger discussion until she had a better idea of where his loyalties lay but she should have known he would figure it out and ask questions.
She must really think he was stupid. "After our little truth session I figured out there must be a group of Vulcans working with you but if you're getting supplies for the others they most likely are part of your little rebellion. And now you need someone to receive your shipments and you need the security codes for Defiant just like you did on Enterprise only this time you're asking me instead of ripping them out of my head."
If he'd given this more thought before he would have known she was up to something. Her insistence that she'd used him to prevent Archer from getting his hands on Defiant because it was her duty to aid Forrest in reclaiming command of Enterprise sounded hollow when she said it. The man had inspired loyalty from many, oddly enough that also included Hoshi Sato, and he had promoted and protected T'Pol but aliens did their jobs to survive or get ahead, just like most of the humans did. Most had no allegiance outside of themselves.
"It is not a little rebellion." In fact, it was as large a contingent of soldiers as each world could afford to assign without raising the suspicions of the Empire. "And yes I do need your assistance but I also wish for you to know of the danger because my actions put your life in jeopardy; as well as; my own." Her training said she had to keep her anger under control, but she was angry with him. Working so hard to accomplish this along with suppressing the rest of her discomfort made it difficult to sort out what was making her so upset.
Tucker let loose with a sadistic laugh then spoke with that raspy snarl in his voice. "So you can have me tortured or damn near killed but in case it happens because you get yourself killed you wanted me to know. Can't tell you how great that is." He dropped into his chair and laughed some more. "It goes along with the rest of the crappy news I'm learning about this damn bond we've got."
"Such as?"
The ambiguity of his feelings, wanting to strike out and kill her and then immediately after wanting to take her in his arms and kiss her was becoming the center of every thought he had but he directed all his attention to pushing it all away. Still convinced he could find the willpower to force his mind to let go of the need he had for her. After studying her for a moment, "You're having just as much pain as I am, aren't you?" Suddenly a sense of satisfaction overtook him as he knew she was but her Vulcan control kept it hidden. But it was putting a strain on her. "If we don't find a way to deal with this it's going to get worse and you're not going to be able to hide it much longer. Are you?"
"No." The Commander answered with defeat in her voice. She'd been using all the techniques she had learned but the pain was piercing through and would soon overpower her control. She walked across to stand in front of him and reached out her hand letting her two fingers hang in midair waiting for him to lift up his own.
He lifted his hand and touched her fingers. The sensation ran up his arm and the pain and pressure in his head instantly began to recede. "What the hell are you doing to me now?" He hollered out as he quickly dropped his shocked hand. "Leave me alone." His chair moved away from her. "I can't do this." To survive he had to be hard, focused, and clear-headed. The other Tucker, the one he'd buried when he was a very young man, the one he'd was slowly being re-introduced to must be forcibly re-entombed before they were all laid to rest with him.
"We cannot continue as we are." Vulcan training told her not to admit she had vulnerabilities but if she didn't make him understand all was lost for them both.
The pain came back much more energetically and the dry heaves came back with it. "Son-of-a-bitch what just happened?" He choked the words out.
"The touch completed another type of connection between us so the bond had served its purpose. The pain, thoughts, lack of sleep all serve to weaken us so the bond can force our barriers down and connect our minds." When he cut that connection, the bond reacted.
He retched into the basket next to his desk. Pulling himself back upright. "So it's the mother of all headaches or we have to be connected somehow? That's our only options here?"
"Yes."
"Leave it to me to make my miserable life more miserable." Way to go Tucker. You can't keep your hands to yourself and it's got to be with the only babe on board who mates and marries on the first date and only needs you around every seven years. He'd asked Trip about that and all he got was the bond was the Vulcans version of marriage and the rest was a private matter between bondmates.
"You do not need to be miserable." She didn't know what to say to him. How to get him to see that she really needed his help and didn't mean him any harm.
"I know you're a Vulcan. I know you were raised on Vulcan. You're a Starfleet science officer. You're a member of some underground. And I think you might at least like me a little but that's all I know about you... and oh I'm bonded to you forever and you only need me every seven years or so." His past hookups had been short-term with no strings and this bond of theirs did nothing to make the prospect of anything beyond that appealing. "Oh did I forget to mention that if we aren't careful we're both going to die very violent deaths. So excuse me if I'm not jumping for joy here." His outburst felt good but made his head hurt like hell.
Tucker wasn't one to think too deep about much past surviving but he had managed to admit, at least occasionally, that there was some part of him that wanted to have a connection to someone. No, not someone but her. Then there was that other part that couldn't decide what felt worse the pain and the retching sensation that started at his toes or the thought of her continuing to use him.
She took a step closer to touch the bare skin on his neck to ease the pain but he jerked away. "If you will allow me to help you and talk to me we can work this out so neither of us is in pain."
"And if we do that you're back in my head and dreams again." The touching thing worked but that was not a practical option here. Any other options were not something he was willing to consider.
She could see how terrified of that prospect he was. "If we allow the bond to remain open it may be enough to prevent any future problems."
Tucker could see she was only trying to make this better for him but her way hadn't gone according to plan so far and what he'd been told said she was being overly optimistic. "Well maybe you better do some checking with some of the other Vulcans because from what Trip and T'Pol told me that's not going to work for very long. And if they're any kind of example then we're only going to be more connected than we are now."
One day at a time or a hundred, who was he kidding? Denial wasn't going to make this go away and he may not have known what he was getting himself into and she may have taken advantage of the situation but he gave up control when he agreed to those three days with her without asking any questions. He hadn't even asked the usual questions to be certain she wouldn't get pregnant. He just assumed because she wasn't human it wasn't possible.
Ask the other Vulcans what? They had no more information about a human and Vulcan mating than she did. There was little known and nothing discussed about bonding to keep her people from being slaughtered. The Terrans would hear words like telepathy or psychic bond and there would be no questions, only fear and death.
"Come to my quarters after our shift and we'll talk. Be careful that no one sees you." He didn't want to get his hopes up that they could reach some kind of arrangement but it was worth a try. Anything was better than this and if he continued this way, he wouldn't be able to help Trip and T'Pol escape and he couldn't avoid Archer forever. Once he caught on to his condition, he'd insist Phlox look at him.
"Agreed." Before she left she let her shields down. She instantly felt her own pain lessen but his pain took its place. She tried to relieve as much as she could.
Tucker felt her efforts and fought the urge to push her away when he felt the nausea becoming less intense. "Thanks." Too his own amazement he actually meant it.
She could see the relief in his face. "Try drinking some water. I'll send some mint tea."
He lifted his head up. "Nothing's staying down very long." Once it became apparent that his stomach wasn't going to accept food, he stopped eating and drinking.
"It has to be more comfortable if there is something to expel."
She was trying to take care of him, make him feel better, but it was unexpected and felt strange. But then he became conscious of a slightly odd exhilaration which was now juxtaposed with his nausea and pain. "But won't that just make it last longer?" Whatever it was that controlled the need to vomit had gone into overdrive but eventually it had to calm down again. It had the last time.
"The control center of your brain has been over stimulated by pain not the contents of your stomach. We have eased some of the pain so you should start to feel somewhat better soon and until then it would be easier if your body was not working so hard to find something to expel."
Tucker sat there. She sounded like a medical text so maybe she knew what she's talking about? Since when does she care what's best for me? Pain, fear, isolation, and confusion were the only things he could count on in his life, but what she suggested sounded reasonable. Questions kept swirling in his already confused mind and he could find no answers. As she reached the door, he stood, walking to the sink in the small bathroom. She turned to watch as he filled the cup with water and slowly sipped the contents.