A/N: More angst for you to enjoy! Thanks to all you dedicated readers who haven't given up on me! I'm doing my best but grad school really saps the strength and creative energy right out of me! Lemmie know what you think of this latest instalment and I'll keep plugging away at the next one!
Chapter 25
Laura Roslin tossed her dark hair off her face and unconsciously tugged her jacket into place as she strode along the metal gangway. She was feeling sluggish and tense after a night of fitful sleep and the last thing she'd felt like doing this morning was locking horns with Bill Adama. After a night spent drifting in and out of strange dreams, she'd woken with a distinct feeling of unease and anxiety despite the fact that she couldn't remember anything about the actual dreams themselves. Taking a deep breath she squared her shoulders as she stepped through the open hatch into the Commander's quarters.
The sight of Bill back in his uniform planted squarely behind his desk was a welcome one and she told him so warmly. The Commander smiled and thanked her before offering her a cup of tea as she sat opposite him.
"Thank you, tea would be lovely," she replied. She sipped from the offered cup and watched Bill over its rim.
The Commander dipped his head down for a moment before looking up to stare at her through the top of his glasses, "Madame President, I would like to cut to the chase, if I may?"
Roslin nodded, lowering the cup to the saucer she held in her lap.
"It would appear that Tom Zarek has indeed been suffering through the detox-psychosis Doctor Cottle diagnosed and, just as the good doctor said he would, he seems to have come through it and has regained a semblance of coherence," he paused, watching the president patiently.
So much for a friendly chat over tea, Laura thought moodily. She straightened in her chair and set the teacup down on the edge of the desk, "What does he have to say for himself?"
"I don't know." Bill's husky voice was even and his face gave nothing away.
The President blinked at him, "What do you mean, you don't know?"
"I don't know," he answered calmly, "because I haven't spoken to him yet. In fact, no one has. My men have strict orders not to say one word to the prisoner."
Laura sighed and pulled off her glasses, "I'm sorry Commander, I'm not following where this is going. I thought you were going to cut to the chase?"
Bill nodded, "So I did. It would appear that Tom Zarek has regained his sanity, or what little sanity he had to begin with, and I have been waiting for you to accompany me to his cell and see what he has to say about his actions."
"Oh," Laura blinked, thrown off by his easy tone and lack of hostility surrounding her involvement in dealing with the prisoner. "I see. And am I to take this as a sign that you are willing to discuss how we are to handle the prosecution of Zarek and his men?"
Bill sighed heavily, "Yes, I am." His eyes flashed up to hers quickly, "willing to discuss it that is, but I reckon that we should meet with him first to ascertain whether or not he's even capable of standing for any kind of trial."
"Well, I certainly appreciate your inclusion of me in this process," she said politely as her mind raced, trying to see through his calm exterior. What's his angle here? She wondered.
"Make no mistake, Madame President," Bill continued, "I am not saying I am willing to forfeit our rightful claim to prosecute the prisoners' acts as war crimes, but I do recognize that for the good of the fleet you and I need to come to some kind of agreement about how this matter should be carried out."
And there it is, she thought. Still, it was something.
"Do you know what is the most fundamental element of the relationship between a commanding officer and his crew?" he asked quietly.
She shook her head, her eyebrows raised slightly as she waited for him to continue.
"Trust," he said simply, blinking at her from across the large desk. "You can be the most brilliant tactician or the most skillful pilot but if your men don't trust you, you'll never make it as a CO. The chain of command may mean that they obey your orders but without trust their obedience will always be half-hearted and sooner or later, it will lead to trouble. Dissention in the ranks, laziness, lack of commitment or even just a split-second of hesitation when you need immediate response, one way or another, if they don't trust that you will look after them, they will question what you ask of them."
Bill paused again but Laura knew he wasn't finished. She waited patiently, watching him as he studied his interlaced fingers.
"My fist CO taught me that," he said quietly. "He also taught me that trust is a fragile thing and that no matter how you try to mend it, once it's broken it can never be the same." Bill's mind drifted back to the urgency on Lee's face as he'd heard that familiar phrase coming from his son and he shrugged away the uncanny way Lee's voice had been almost a direct echo of his old Captain. Must've said it to him myself sometime over the years, Bill thought to himself for the hundredth time despite the fact that he couldn't remember ever doing so.
Bringing himself back to the present, he raised his eyes to stare at the President intently, "The problem here is that I have two different groups relying on me to protect them and look out for them. On one hand I have my men here on Galactica and if they are to continue doing their jobs they need a Commander who acts on their behalf and ensures their needs are met. On the other hand, I have the men and women of the civilian fleet who are relying on me for their physical safety and sense of security. If I lose the trust of my men, the Glactica won't be able to protect the fleet but if I lose the trust of the fleet, they won't let me protect them and the Cylons will destroy the entire human race. Both groups trust me to act in their best interest, and yet those interests in this matter are at opposition." Before Roslin could object, he raised one hand, "Now I know you don't see the difference here, that to you a civil trial will meet the needs of all those involved, but you yourself have admitted that your experience with military matters is rather limited. I hope you'll take my word on this matter that this is one of those times when you don't really understand the larger picture from our perspective. Can you give me that?"
She nodded and squinted her eyes at him slightly, "Yes, Commander, I will concede that I may not fully understand the perspective of you and your men."
Adama nodded his thanks and continued, "And so you can see my dilemma as the commanding officer of the Colonial fleet. Not to mention the fact that, yes, as an individual, I would love nothing more than to personally strangle the last living breath out of that monster in my brig," he offered her a tense attempt at a smile.
Roslin sighed, glad to feel them back on surer ground, and cocked her head sadly to one side, "Believe me, Commander, as an individual there's nothing more I'd rather see than you choking the life out of Tom Zarek," an acidic hatred twisted the name on her tongue and she took a slow breath before continuing, "but as the President, obviously, I must continue to protect what has been placed in my care: our civic order and the future of human civilization as we know it."
Bill studied the President for a moment, the flush in her cheeks and the flash of fury in her eyes was not something he was used to seeing even in their most heated debates.
"So, where does that leave us today?" she finally asked when he did not speak.
"Today we are waiting for Doc Cottle and Doctor Stoffa, the fleet psychologist, and then we head down to the brig to talk to Zarek. After that," he shrugged, "I suggest you and I each review the updated situation and then discuss where to go from there."
She watched him closely. In her experience, Commander Adama was a man used to getting his way but was not one she felt would exploit underhanded methods to get it. She nodded slowly, shrugging her shoulders, "That makes sense to me as long as you recognize that I am not conceding my rightful claim to insist on a full and lawful trial for these men."
The Commander smiled at her return of his words, "Agreed. Neither of us is officially giving an inch but we're both open to hearing how the other will."
The break in tension was almost palpable and Laura couldn't help but chuckle, "Agreed."
x x x
Kara puffed out a breath as she dropped her head back against the pillow and immediately regretted it. The breath caught and turned into a cough that then turned into the awful gasping attack she'd been praying wouldn't come. Frak off, she thought as it continued and the familiar ache started to build in her chest. She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing, trying to stop the reflexive hacking. Come on, don't make me call Cottle, she pleaded with no one in particular. Please just stop, just this once!
For a moment she was drowning, she could almost feel the hands on the back of her head and taste the rancid burn of the liquid on her tongue. Her heart raced, her chest heaved. Oh lords, please no!
A hand was on her shoulder; a real hand. If she'd had any air in her savaged lungs she would have screamed. As it was, her eyes flew open and she threw herself across to the other side of the bed before she registered Lee's face. He flashed her a reassuring smile despite the dark and stormy look in his eyes and held out the small inhaler Cottle had given her.
The fear of the flashback may have lessened but the panic of being unable to catch her breath was growing. Pride and stubbornness aside, she needed air. She snatched the inhaler from him and did her best to get her lungs to open and accept the bitter medicine. After a moment, it started to work and she was able to draw a shaky and shallow breath. Another pull on the inhaler and she knew she was out of the woods.
This time.
She gritted her teeth and refused to let thoughts about the future and her career creep in; she had other things to deal with right now. The look on Lee's face alone was more than enough for her to puzzle over for the next millennium.
He silently offered her a hand and helped her ease back onto the middle of the bed and then held out a small paper cup,
"Doc sent your meds, said you need to take them A-sap."
His voice was even and friendly. Kara blinked up at him but he just smiled and held out a bottle of water.
With a glare, she grabbed the meds and downed them along with a heavy swig of the water. What the frak is this? Her mind raced trying to figure out what Lee was getting at, searching for a clue while trying not to get caught staring at him. He sat down in his usual chair and picked up the dog-eared stack of triad cards on the side table,
"You up for a game?" he asked, waggling the cards in front of her face.
Lee watched as Kara furrowed her eyebrows ever so slightly. A test my ass, he thought smugly, I'm already catching her off-step and if I can keep her there, this will be no contest.
Kara shrugged her shoulders carelessly, "Sure."
She had no idea what Lee was up to but as long as she kept her wits about her, it wouldn't hurt to play along.
He dealt out the cards with a practiced flick of his wrist. Kara glared down at her hand, trying to focus on the game and ignore the perplexing glint in Lee's eyes. They played a few hands in silence but as the minutes ticked past, Kara's nerves stretched thinner and thinner. Damned if she would give him the satisfaction of breaking first, though. Finally, Lee spoke, "I'm sorry I lost my temper back there," he mentioned casually.
Kara didn't fumble her cards as she picked up Lee's discard, thank the gods. She shrugged noncommittally.
"I'm a little wound up after all this mess," he went on easily with a relaxed smile, "no excuse though, for losing it and storming out like that." His eyes flashed up to hers, bright and piercing, "I'm sorry, Kara, I shouldn't have left like that and I will do my best not to do it again."
She did her best to keep her mouth from falling open. Lee Adama apologizing to me? What the frak did he take while he was gone? She shrugged again, meeting his eyes and doing her best not to squirm.
"But," he paused.
Here it comes, she thought, completely unaware of how her entire body had tensed at that one little word. She covered her apprehension by throwing down a card and studying her hand closely.
"But you have to know, I won't put up with you bad mouthing my best friend like that, not without a fight," he grinned and his eyes softened. "I mean it, Kara, I shouldn't have lost my cool but it's gonna piss me off if you insist on talking that way about yourself and what happened." Lee picked up a fresh card and discarded an old one.
Kara picked at the edge of a ragged fingernail.
"Kara?" his voice was a gentle plea. "I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere but I'm not going to just sit here quietly and watch you tear yourself apart."
Kara cringed at his soft tone, so that was his angle: to get his own way by playing nice. Well, no one had ever accused Kara Thrace of playing nicely with others, "So we're back with you telling me how to deal with my shit, Adama?" she snapped as threw down her hand revealing a perfect full colour set.
Lee grinned at the cards and then up at her, tossing his down in defeat. "Yep. As long as you keep frakking it up, I'm gonna be here yelling at you over it."
"Who says I want you here?" she challenged, ignoring the lump that rose in her throat as she spoke.
Lee just smiled.
Kara ground her teeth and gathered up the cards to shuffle for the next hand. She was still clumsy with her cast but for once was glad of the excuse to pay extra attention to the small task. Her mind was racing but as the quick dissolving pain meds began to kick in her thoughts started getting fuzzy. She blinked and tried to focus on this new game of Lee's.
"I mean it, Lee. What gives you the right to think you get to hang around telling me what I should be doing?"
"The fact that I've been doing it for years."
She shook her head, "Not good enough, Adama."
"Because I know you?"
She shook her head again and he saw a darkness skirt quickly across her eyes, "You don't know me."
Lee sat back in his seat and smiled smugly, "sure I do. I know you're the best pilot in the fleet, I know you're a terror on the pyramid court and even deadlier at the triad table." He grinned and counted off his points on his finger, "I know you hate cold noodles and that Picon whiskey gives you the worst headache known to man or woman." The grin turned serious and Kara felt her guard come up even through the haze of the meds, "I know that saying you had a less than perfect childhood is the understatement of the year and, perhaps most importantly, that you've managed to rise above it and become one hell of an officer and the best friend I've ever had."
Kara gaped slightly. That was low, she thought, frak these frakking meds. How the hell am I supposed to deal with frakking Lee when I'm high as a frakking kite! She blinked, trying to catch up to what the hell just happened. Where did this all come from? She wondered, and where the frak did the real Lee Adama go? Doesn't matter, her mood turned dark, two can play at this game, my dear friend.
Lee watched her quietly, recognizing the signs of the storm running just under the surface, and smiled to himself. Apollo one, Starbuck nil, he thought.
And then she glared up at him and he felt his blood chill as he automatically steeled himself for her attack.
"Oh well, okay then," she said, her voice low but sharp. "Pardon me, I stand corrected, Captain Adama. Do tell me then, based on this expansive knowledge of the life and times of Kara Thrace, what exactly do you think she should have done while held captive by the barbarians of the fleet with no hope of rescue in sight?"
Lee blinked but held his ground, "Just what you did do, fight like hell and keep fighting until you couldn't fight anymore."
Kara's eyes narrowed, her face cold and still, "Who says I fought?"
"What do you mean?"
"You said I should have done what I did but, contrary to your belief, it would appear you don't actually know anything about the matter."
"What are you talking about? I saw you fighting them. I saw you spit in his face."
Kara's heart stopped, she stared at Lee, "You what?" she gasped.
Lee watched as the colour didn't just drain but simply vanished from Kara's face. "I- I saw you fight them, Kara. You were kicking and fighting until the end."
She stared at him, and felt her world falling away once again. He saw it? She couldn't think past the landslide of anger and shame that suddenly swirled around her, "You-you watched it?" she spluttered.
"Well, yeah," Lee stared at her, his eyebrows furrowed. "I told you this last night but I guess you were pretty worked up at that point. The last few hours after Zarek contacted us, he kept up the wireless feed. You don't remember that part?"
Kara shook her head slowly, staring down at the cards in her hand without seeing a thing. Thinking about it now, she had a vague memory of shouting at Lee through the camera in her cell. Her brow furrowed as she bit her lip in frustration. Her memory, like the rest of her she thought bitterly, was so messed up; almost everything that had happened since her capture was a blurry mix of dreams and feverish distorted memories
Frak! She took a deep breath and tried to force her memory to clear. One of her last memories of her time on the Queen came floating back: Lee's voice crackling with static over the long range comm. She remembered the relief it brought her, the warmth and brightness of it coming back clear and strong through the haze of uncertainty. The warmth dimmed, however, as another memory quickly followed; the memory of what happened after she heard Lee, of the men who entered her cell.
She couldn't bring herself to look up at Lee. Her stomach did a greasy turn. He watched it; Lee saw what they did. He saw what I did. Suddenly very glad of the numbing effect of the meds, she swallowed slowly.
"Kara?" he called her name softly.
Her face twisted in an unconscious grimace. He scowled, Frak. !
"Kara, it's okay. I'm not- I mean, I don't think… I…"
Her head snapped up, "Oh, it's okay is it? Well thanks! That's such a relief to know that it's okay that I was raped and beaten and my best friend just sat back watching it all."
Lee recoiled from her words, "What? I didn't 'just sit back' and watch! Zarek contacted us over long-wave wireless and sent us the signal. You were parsecs away, I couldn't do anything!"
"Couldn't do anything but watch!" she hissed in disgust, wrapping her arms around her chest. Kara's head was reeling, her stomach was roiling and she blinked rapidly forcing the tears back.
"Kara, no! It wasn't like that! I watched because I needed to see –I had to know what was happening!"
She looked sickened so he tried again, desperate for her to understand, "I didn't want to watch it; I didn't want to see that. Gods know I wish I never did." She glared at him, he dropped his head, "No, I mean that I wish none of it ever happened, and I wish I could get the image of what they did to you out of my brain."
"Well, I'm sorry if my experiences are painful for you to remember," she growled.
Lee took a deep slow breath, stay calm, he ordered himself, stay focused and just rise above it. He reached out and gently put his hand over hers. She flinched, as always, but he kept it there and for once didn't try to hide the pain her reaction caused him,
"Kara," he said softly. She looked up at him warily. "I watched the feed Zarek sent because I couldn't leave you alone there. I couldn't do anything else so I thought I could at least stay with you in spirit, no matter how hard it was to watch, no matter how much it hurt to see what they did to you."
She made a small sound but Lee couldn't tell if it was a whimper or a snort of derision and the stormy look on her face revealed nothing so he went on, "I couldn't bear to turn it off Kara. It nearly killed me when we lost you the first time, I couldn't bear the idea of letting you go again," his voice cracked.
She stared at him in disbelief as tears welled up in his eyes and he didn't try to hide them.
"You mean the worlds to me, Kara, and even though it hurt worst than anything I've ever felt, I couldn't look away from even that little bit of contact."
The compassion and warmth she felt rising in her chest were easily crushed under the weight of anger she called up from the darkest parts of herself, "so you watched them do that to me because it would make you feel better?" she jabbed at him, willing herself to look him dead in the eye while she drove the point home. "Did you even think about whether or not I would want you to watch it?"
"Well, no, I- I mean, sort of. I couldn't really think, I just knew I couldn't let you go again," he offered softly.
"Great, well, now thanks to your need you're stuck with the images of what happened to me and I'm stuck with a best friend who can barely even bring himself to touch me because he knows exactly what those monsters did to me."
Lee blinked, "What? What are you talking about?"
Kara snorted derisively, "You think I'm too stupid or too doped up to notice you flinch and cringe every time you touch me? You think I haven't noticed that you look a little sick every time you hug me or lie down next to me?" her voice rose with anger, "Zeus and Hera, Lee, I'm not blind! I figured you were just nervous about hurting me or it was the burns or something. But now," she spat, "now I know it's because you can't stand it; Mr. goodie-two-shoes-Leland Adama is just disgusted to be in such close proximity to the damaged goods of Kara Thrace."
He stared at her in disbelief, "What? No! Kara, how could you believe that?"
She stared right back, her mouth twisting viciously, "don't feed me garbage, Lee. Just be honest with me, it's the least you can do for me now."
He shook his head firmly, "No, that's not the truth, that's not how I feel at all."
She glared at him silently.
He took her hand in his and moved up to sit on the edge of the bed facing her. He stared in to her eyes intently and spoke in a low but gentle tone, "Kara, I am not now nor have I ever been disgusted to be near you." He paused to let that statement hang on its own significance before continuing slowly, "what I saw happen to you did nothing, nothing, to change how I feel about you. You are the best friend I've ever had and nothing could change that."
Kara blinked furiously but didn't pull her hand away, "Then why do you cringe like that when you touch me? Why do you look so weird when we're alone together?"
Lee cocked his head and smiled at her sadly, "I didn't know I was so obvious but it's nothing to do with what I saw." He ducked his head to catch her eye, "Kara, I'm reacting to the fact that when I touch you, you flinch and pull back."
She looked at him like he had two heads, "No I don't."
He smiled softly and nodded slowly, "yes you do. Ever since you've been back you flinch every time I touch you. I kept doing it because once you get over that first reaction it seems to help you calm down and Stoffa said it was probably good for you."
She stared at him.
He nodded again, his lips drawing into a tense line in spite of himself, "I hate hurting you, or scaring you, or whatever it is I'm doing and I'm sorry that showed on my face and just made it worse." He sighed, his voice catching in his throat, "but I promise you it has nothing to do with feeling disgusted or angry with you, I just hate that what those animals did to you didn't end when we got you home. You do mean the worlds to me and when I saw you on that grainy vid feed I just- despite everything else I saw and what you'd been through, I thanked every god I could think of just for keeping you alive. Really and truly, Kara, nothing that happened aboard the Astral Queen could ever change how I feel about you."
She squinted her eyes, "You don't know that."
"Yes I do."
She shrugged but said nothing.
"Kara?" he probed gently. "What do you mean 'I don't know that'?"
She sighed heavily but when her eyes flashed up to his the spark of anger in them put him on guard once again, "You say what you saw didn't change how you see me, fine. But that doesn't mean shit." She chewed on her bottom lip.
He waited, watching her face for any sign that he should back off. He pressed forward, "Kara, you have to tell me what you're talking about."
"I do?" her voice rose as he watched the anger colour her cheeks.
Frak me, here we go again, Lee thought to himself. Gods, how many times do we have to do this?
Stoffa's voice rang in his ears, 'She was testing you to see if she can afford to let herself rely on you.' Lee gritted his teeth and mentally pulled himself together. Just rise above it.
"Yup," he smiled at her, "you do 'cause I'm not gonna let up 'til you do."
Her eyes narrowed, her lips curled back in a snarl, "So, want more dirty details, eh? Apollo? You want to hear all about what happened? You want to know just how many times he raped me before you got to waltz your rescue team in to save me? You want to know every filthy and dirty thing they did to me, everything I let them do to me?"
The coldness in her tone sent a shudder up his spine, he covered it with a shake of his head, "Nope, this isn't about voyeurism, Kara. This is about us resolving the issue between us. I don't care what they did or what they made you do. All I care about is that you're home safe again."
She tossed her head, "That's easy for you to say now, Lee, but you don't know. You can't know how you'll feel about me if I tell you everyth-" despite her desperate attempt to control it her voice failed as a sob welled up in her throat. She bit down on her lip, furious with herself. Despite his attempt to reign in his own reaction, Lee's face broke a little as he watched her struggling to retain her composure.
They both leapt a mile high when the intimate silence of the small room was rent by a sharp sound. Kara's round eyes flashed up to Lee's in a panic before she recognized the ship-wide alarm.
"Action stations, action stations, set condition one throughout the fleet," Dee's voice rang throughout the ship, her calm tones betraying none of the tension her words sent rippling through the entire crew.
Lee blinked at Kara for a moment before his brain slid fluidly into CAG mode and he absently ran through the pilots currently flying CAP and their ability to manage an attack. Kara found herself half-smiling at the familiarity of the alarm and the sense of home it brought back.
"Frak me, I never thought I'd be happy to hear that sound," she quipped.
Lee frowned and she could sense the sudden divide in his attention, "Kara, I-"
She shook her head slowly and offered him a reassuring half-grin, "Go on, Lee. After this long a dry spell, the fleet needs their CAG."
Lee nodded as he slid off her bed. He had to go, his mind was already half gone running through various checklists and mental notes, but he hated to leave her side, especially in the middle of this discussion. She put a gentle hand on his arm, "Go ahead. I'm not going anywhere."
Lee nodded again absently before suddenly darting in to press a hard kiss to her forehead. After holding the kiss for a long moment he quickly turned, somehow suddenly embarrassed and awkward, and strode towards the door.
"Lee?" her voice caught him at the threshold and he turned back towards the bed.
"Good hunting, Captain," she said with grin as she knocked off a purposefully quick and sloppy salute.
The tension around his heart let go as he caught sight of a flash of Starbuck in her smirking grin. She may not be going anywhere but she is coming back, he thought with a quick flash of hope. Snapping to attention he offered her a parade-ground perfect salute in return before dashing out the door just as Dee's voice sounded again calling him to the CIC.
Let me know you're still out there and drop me a review even though I don't deserve your loyalty? Pretty, pretty please?