A/N -So I realized I had chapters written sitting on a flash drive that I had not posted. I still have not finished this story but will try to. I hate leaving things unfinished.
It was a rainy day but he was feeling good. He was being released from the hospital today. He was very ready. He had been working really hard with a psychical therapist to get his strength back up enough to go home the last two days. Luckily he had been in good shape prior to the whole incident that it did not take as long. He was going to be glad to start his tai chi up again when he got home.
One thing he had to do before he could leave was have a visit with Dr. Muller. He had not seen him in a couple of days. His doctor sat in the chair that Nick often sat in. Nick had to go to work for a few hours but would be back later to pick him up to take him home.
"So, are you pleased to be going home today?" Dr. Muller asked him. "Yes, very much so. I'm eager for the comforts of home."
"I bet you are. I heard you had some visitors the other day and it was hard for you to see them at first. Do you want to tell me about that?"
Greg frowned. Someone must have told him about it, probably Nick since he had been concerned. "I was just surprised anyone else wanted to visit me is all," he told him, trying at act like it was not a big deal. He was not sure how much Nick had told him.
"I heard you did not think you deserved to have anyone care about you after you cut them out of your life. Wasn't that how you felt with Nick at first too?" Dr. Muller pressed him.
Nick must have told him everything. He did not want to rehash this but knew his doctor too well to avoid it. "Yes, it was. I see the error of my ways now," he said, rolling his eyes.
Dr. Muller narrowed his eyes at him. "You're avoiding, Greg."
Greg glared at him. "What do you want me to say? You want me to say that I feel guilty and that is why I could not deal with seeing them? Yes, I still feel guilty that they even wanted to try to cheer me up after how I treated them. They had not seen me in years and yet they still cared. I don't deserve it. There, I said it. Now you know it's the same old issue." Even as he said it, his emotions were very evident in his voice. It was not anger at them but at himself.
"Okay then. How did you feel after they left? Are you willing to let them be friends with you again?" Greg sighed heavily. "After they left, I still felt like I did not deserve their attention. I know you are going to tell me what Nick always tells me, I did nothing wrong but I did. I shut everyone out of my life when I probably needed them the most. If someone shut me out like that, I would not give them the time of day."
"Really? Are you sure about that? What if the situation had been reversed and it was Nick who had been in prison and he shut you out? You would have kept away from him?"
Greg looked down. He knew he would have still tried to keep in touch with Nick. He would not have given up on him. Just realizing that, he felt even worse about how he treated him. "No, I would not have."
"See that's because that is what people do when they care deeply about others. Your former co-workers, you always referred to them as family. Your family did not abandon you, even though you wanted them to. They are the only family you have left. If they are willing to have you back in their lives, why be upset at that? Does this root back to how your parents treated you after you came out to them?"
Greg felt a pang suddenly. It was due to his doctor hitting a hard point in his life. Dr. Muller noticed his silence and knew he had been right. "We don't talk much about them but I am starting to think your issues with thinking people should not accept you back into their lives goes back to how they hurt you when you came out and didn't fully accept you after that."
Greg felt wetness stirring in his eyes. He was going to hide his trembling hands but knew that his doctor already noticed. "Maybe…probably," he said softly.
"You got a new family from work. That work family still accepts you after all that you've been through. Cherish that. Not everyone gets that kind of love." Greg nodded as he wiped at his eyes. "I know."
"Look, I don't want to harp on you about this. I really want to talk more about recent events and how they are affecting you. Have you been having nightmares about your time being captive?" Dr. Muller asked him.
"Not much so far. I think it's all the medications I am on. I've kind of been sleeping like a log, which I appreciate."
"So none at all?" his doctor did not believe him. Greg's eyes darkened. "I can't get anything by you anymore, can I?" His doctor shook his head. "Fine. I did have one last night. Luckily Nick was out of the room at the time, otherwise I know you would have known about it for sure," he groaned.
Dr. Muller just stared at him until he elaborated. Greg met his stare. "I don't remember it. It's one of those kind of blurry ones. A nurse actually woke me up from it, since apparently my heart rate had gone up during it."
"Did the nurse say she had trouble waking you? Was it a night terror?" Greg looked down. "Yeah, I think it was."
"You have not had one of those in a while, have you?" his doctor asked him. Greg shook his head. "I don't think so. I've had some bad nightmares, but I usually remember them and wake from them." He saw Dr. Muller jot down something in his notebook. "I'm going to have more of them again, aren't I?"
The older man could see he was scared of the answer. "There is a good chance. It might not have been as overall traumatic as some of the stuff you dealt with in prison but you thought you were going to die there. You have permanent physical damage that will cause you to take medication for the pain. You had a heart attack. It did a lot to you. It's going to affect you mentally also, on top of what you already have gone through."
"So in other words, I am truly fucked up!" he sighed heavily. "Greg," his doctor started. Greg raised his hand up. "I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just wonder when I will really catch a break. I thought I had. I thought I had a nice job, making good money. I had Nick in my life again. I was starting to really feel good about life again. And now I've gone backwards."
"I know you worry about having a job again and what will come of this, but I do want you to know, Tony is updated. He told me the parole board has lightened your terms in light of everything that has happened."
"What does that mean exactly?" Greg asked him, feeling a little bit of hope.
"It means that you are not required to check in every two weeks anymore and report that you are working. You will probably get something in the mail at some point but as of now, you only need to report into Tony once a month and it can be by phone. They know you live with Nick, a Shift Supervisor in LVPD Crime Lab. If anyone is going to keep you in check, it will be him," he smiled.
Greg was still confused. "So Nick will report to the parole board for me now?" Dr. Muller smiled. "No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is you are getting a break from them. They have come to terms that you are no threat to anyone, if only yourself."
"So I don't need to have a job?" Greg asked. To him that was what it sounded like Dr. Muller told him. "Well, eventually I am sure you will want to work again but there is no need to prove employment right now."
"That means I can take some time for myself if I need to before jumping back into a job." Greg said. "Yes, but do you know for sure that you have no job with Freedom Labs anymore? I mean I know the FreChem part has been shut down but the parent company is still open, even though they are under investigation now."
"I don't know. I have not really talked to anyone there or really know what is going on. I mean do I want to go back to a place that caused me to have pain all my life?" Greg asked him realistically.
"I guess not but that is your decision. You know I have heard a rumor that families of people who were in that lab with you are going to sue FreChem in a civil lawsuit. You have permanent damage from them. Have you thought about that?" His doctor suggested.
It was definitely something he had not thought of. "No, but maybe it is something to think about, I guess."
"Talk to Nick about it, see what he thinks."
"What I think about what?" They both turned and saw that Nick had just come to the door.
"Ah, perfect timing. I will let Greg fill you in. Greg, I'll want to see you in a few days. I will have Janet call to set up an appointment with you." Dr. Muller turned to Nick. "If he gets more sleep terrors, just remember when you wake him he might seem out of it for a bit." Nick looked at Greg with questioning. "He'll fill you in on it soon. Won't you Greg?" Greg nodded, sheepishly.
"Until next time, take care and remember your relaxation and anxiety exercises. Bye!"
Nick waited until he was gone before saying anything else. He placed a duffle bag on the foot of the bed. "Change of clothes for your ride home. Now tell me about this sleep terror warning he gave me?"
Greg's expression was dour. "I had one when you were gone last night. The nurse had to wake me from it. I had set off my heart rate alarm," he told him.
"I'm still confused. You often have nightmares, that is nothing new," Nick said to him.
Greg sighed. "Night terrors or sleep terrors are a bit different. I don't think I've had any since I've been living with you again. I had them in prison though. I usually do not remember them much. It is hard to wake me from them though."
"So you had one of these last night? Is it because of you being held and drugged?" Nick asked out of concern. Greg nodded. "Yes, it's part of having PTSD."
"What happened in prison when you had them?" Nick wondered now. Greg looked away, being uncomfortable with the question. "When I first started having them, I was still in general population and it truly made things worse for me. I guess I would be in my cell, screaming and yelling. The guards would come and try to wake me and no luck until they came in and …well," he felt some anxiety coming on and did not want to say because he knew Nick would be furious that he never knew this.
He could see Greg shaking more than usual. He could see whatever happened was about to trigger an anxiety attack. He grabbed his trembling hands and held them in his. "Greg, what did they do to you?" he asked softly. Greg turned his eyes to him. He looked haunted. "They would hit me until I woke up."
Nick's eyes started to show fury. "They what? The guards hit you?" Greg nodded slowly. "With their clubs, usually my arms or legs until I woke up from it."
Nick looked at him in shock and anger. "Why didn't I know of this before?" Greg shrugged some. "It's in the past. They said I would try to hit them so they had to control me by hitting me. It's actually very plausible with night terrors that I seem awake and can strike out. Dr. Muller observed me one night via camera when I was in solitary confinement for my own safety. He was allowed to counsel me still even though I was in sc. When they moved me to the more protected area and I had them, the guards were made aware and did not hit me. They either let me scream until I woke up or they would handle me more lightly to wake me."
"Jesus! What more don't I know about?" Nick asked, feeling his heart breaking at the sadness that had returned to his loved one's eyes.
Greg pulled his hands out of Nick's. "You don't want to know it all and I don't want to talk about it all. I've been trying to move past it. It's just that now I have Dr. Frankenstein crap running through my head and night terrors to deal with."
Nick walked off towards the window. He did not want Greg to see how angry and frustrated he was. He hated being left in the dark and yet was torn knowing how painful it was for Greg to talk about this stuff.
Greg swallowed hard, seeing Nick turn his back on him. He knew he was mad. "Look, I talk to Dr. Muller about it all and that is hard enough. He is not someone who loves me and hurts for me, like you do. And I know you are going to say that you can handle it, I know you can. I can't. That's what you have to understand. I need you to be able to support me without thinking of all the ugliness I have to think of. I need you to be strong for me. I don't need to see the pain I suffer in your face too. Please tell me you understand."
Nick stared out the window at the blue sky. He did not completely understand but if it would help Greg, he would let it be. "Fine. I won't press you but if you want to open up to me, know I am here." He turned around. Greg sat on the side of the hospital bed, still in his hospital gown, looking worried. "Are you sure?"
Nick softened his stance and walked over to him. "I am sure. I just guess I should find out more about these sleep terrors and how to deal with them, should you have more now that you are going home."
"I'm hoping it won't happen again now that I know it did happen," Greg told him. "You can control them?"
"Kind of? I just have to really try to relax before I go to bed and try to clear my mind of unwanted thoughts. It's easier said than done but I've been able to in the past. Plus since I am not having repeated incidents of what happened this time around, it should not be around as long," Greg told him.
Nick heard him say repeated incidents and just wanted to go back in time and erase his prison time completely. Instead he opted for encouraging words. "I'll do whatever I have to do to help you through this. Now with that being said, do you want to change so you can get ready to go home?"
"Sure." Greg grabbed the duffle bag and opened it up. He saw a jeans and a blue t-shirt. Perfect comfort clothes for him. He took them and went into the bathroom to change.
Once he finished he looked at himself in the mirror. First thing he noticed was the yellowish, fading bruise on his cheek. The next thing was how much longer his hair had gotten since he was out of prison. It was nice having hair on his head again and not the super short cut he had in prison. He lifted his hand to run through his hair and grimaced. He still had pain; it just was not as bad as it had been but certain movements made it worse. It seemed that raising his arms was one of those things. His doctor concluded that it was due to his arms being the initial place the shots of the torture drug were given. He lowered his arm to his side and frowned. It really sucked that he was going to have to live with this the rest of his life.
"You okay in there?" He heard Nick ask from outside the door. "Yes, just give me a couple of seconds." He looked at the scar over his eye. "Never again," he whispered, in reference to those events that gave him that scar. He took a deep, clearing breath and joined Nick.
"We have to wait until your doctor comes with your release papers and then we can go," Nick told him.
"I cannot wait," Greg smiled. He really meant it too. He could not wait to get into the comfort of the house again. He also could not wait to sleep in the same bed with Nick again. Nick made him feel safe when he was near.
He looked at Nick, who was looking down at his cell phone. "If I have not told you recently, I want you to know I love you." Nick looked surprised when he raised his head up. He saw that his love was smiling at him. "I love you too."
Knowing Greg was still in love with him cemented the decision he was going to make. He could not wait until the right moment to tell him but it would have to wait until he was settled again at home.