As always, you guys make my life a better place. Thanks for your awesomeness.
The Hunger Games belong to Suzanne Collins, not to me, though I do enjoy playing with her characters.
Dinner is the strangest combination of joy and agony she's ever experienced (which is probably saying a lot for someone who survived two Games). Haymitch brings two bottles of wine, one for himself and one for the rest of them to share. He's less drunk than usual, at least before he starts on the bottle. Johanna and Katniss keep up their usual banter. Katniss has forgotten how much she enjoys Johanna's presence, even if she drives her crazy. They're like sisters thrown together not because they want to be, but simply because they're family, for better and for worse. She likes having these people here, likes the winks Johanna throws Gale, the way he'll tug on Katniss' braid as he always has, then look to Johanna as if to be sure it's okay. Haymitch's sarcastic comments fit in perfectly and Peeta's cooking is amazing. The only problem is the waves of hostile jealousy rolling between the only two men she's ever kissed (not including Chaff, of course). She keeps one hand firmly on Peeta's thigh but she's not sure it makes the slightest bit of difference. Finally, after an hour or so, they've gotten through Peeta's amazing cake and he still hasn't calmed down. He's stiff, which scares her, because he's so rarely still, unless he's mid-episode. The conversation dwindles somewhat, Peeta's silence finally filling the room. Haymitch gurgles through half a glass of wine before he looks up at Gale and Johanna.
"You done, then?" he asks sarcastically. Katniss glares at him.
"She's still got cake," she tells him, glaring, "and they're sleeping here anyways."
"Not what I was talking about, but thanks for the update, sweetheart," he slurs at her, sarcastic as always. She looks at the two of them, but they're avoiding her eyes.
"You figured out you're not going to butter him up, then, lover boy?" Haymitch shoots at Gale. Peeta's fork falls to the floor as he spasms violently, his head falling between his legs, hands underneath his knees. He's shaking.
"Hey," she whispers, taking his face in her hands. "He's not talking to you. He's not talking to you. It's okay. You're okay." He nods, shudders as she smoothes her hand over his cheek.
"What the hell?" demands Haymitch.
"The Careers called him that in the arena," she spits at him, "which you I'm sure you noticed, being our mentor and all. Must've slipped your mind." She reaches across the table and pulls his bottle of wine away, emptying it in her glass. He starts to protest, but is cut off by her angry words.
"What the hell are you talking about?" She looks first at Gale, then at Johanna, then finally turns her gaze back to Haymitch. He sighs.
"They want you two to make an appearance in the Capitol."
"Hell no," they respond, immediately, in unison. She almost smiles, because it's only the second time she's heard him swear, but then the reality of what was just said sinks in on her. Instead of tearing her fingernails down Haymitch's face again, she turns her anger on Gale.
"We spend the entire day together. You didn't think you needed to mention this?" He avoids her eyes.
"I needed to wait, Catnip," he mutters. "They don't want just you…they want…" He's stuttering, and she can see he doesn't want to reveal what they talked about. She's glad: it was private, between the two of them. She has very few secrets from Peeta, but one of them is undoubtedly that she was awake during that conversation in the Capitol. If she could survive without him, would she be here?
"They need us both," Peeta fills in. He's sitting up again, his face red but he's calm. He takes a swig of her wine before saying, "They don't just want the Mockingjay. They need their star-crossed lovers again."
She's off her feet before she knows what's happening, barely makes it to the sink before her dinner comes back up. She's retching, coughing, and then the only hands she could possibly want are there, pulling her hair back from her face. Of course they don't just want her, their Mockingjay: they need them both. She couldn't even be the Mockingjay without him. But she's not sure she's strong enough, sane enough, to do this, even with him. She turns around, lays her forehead against his chest. "Shh," he whispers, soothing. He fills every role for her, but that of comforter might be her favorite.
"We're not going," he tells her and she sighs relief into his chest.
"Yes, you are, brainless," mutters Johanna. "They need you."
"We're all going," Haymitch jumps in. "All the Victors. But they…they need to see you two, whole and happy."
"We're neither of those things," mutters Katniss, not lifting her face from his shirt.
She feels him chuckle silently. He leans down to whisper in her ear. "You were pretty happy last night," he whispers, and she blushes. Then again, maybe lover is her favorite role.
Johanna clicks her tongue impatiently. "That's all people need to see," she bursts out. "You two all over each other, having sex on the kitchen table—"
"Haymitch!" they protest in unison, spinning around to face him. Peeta's hand is still on her waist, but now that her face isn't buried in him anymore, she can see Gale's shocked expression, Haymitch's smirk. Also that he's stolen her wine.
"Give me that!" she demands, striding across the room. She pulls it from him and drinks it down in one swallow.
"Nice, sweetheart," he laughs. "I don't see what the big deal is. You're together now, for yourselves, not for any cameras or rebellion. You're so in love it's disgusting, so why can't you dress up nice for one night and show everyone that the love they were rooting for all along was, well…real?"
Her head is spinning from the wine, but she feels like there may be a thread of logic somewhere in his words.
"Hmmm…what is the big deal?" asks Peeta, and she's so unused to hearing him sarcastic that he pulls her out of her reverie. "Well, let's start with the fact that they tried to kill us."
"Join the club," mutters Haymitch.
"Multiple times," adds Peeta.
"Yeah, what else you got?" asks Johanna, who's twirling her wine around.
"They took our sanity. They lit us on fire. They threatened us with death and then delivered much worse. They tortured you while I was in the next room. They tortured me while you were in the next room. They ate until they were sick while we starved to death. They killed children, for years." Peeta rattles these off so quickly, so matter-of-fact that she wonders how long he's been compiling this list in his head. But he still hasn't hit on the most important point.
"They tried to take you from me," she whispers, and her eyes lock on Peeta's. "They still take you sometimes. They tried to separate us." He smiles, and she sees that compared to this, his list of complaints isn't real, not real, because this is what matters most to him too.
"So, no, we're not going," she informs Johanna, Gale, and Haymitch. Three of the only people she still trusts, and now she's not sure what to do with that. Is Peeta the only one she can trust?
"They are what made us hopeless," she says, "and I'll have no part in building that hope back up again."
And then she's gone, up the stairs and into their bedroom, and she knows she should be crying, but she merely undresses and slides, numb, underneath the covers to wait for the only person who can make her feel hope.
She's in the Capitol. She's not sure where, but she knows she needs to get out. It smells like roses, looks like a pastel-colored hell. She is terrified, doesn't have a Holo, has no idea which way to turn. It feels like every path will lead her to Snow. She doesn't know where Peeta is. She can see Gale ahead of her and she knows, instinctively that Boggs is behind her, Finnick nearby. There's a terrible sound, like an explosion from parachutes, and they hit the ground. She feels blood on her face, and then, she feels the worst feeling of all: fire. It's licking up her spine, and she knows it will surround her, kill everyone, kill Prim…She rolls over, writhing on the ground to put the fire out, screaming to the others to go: Prim, Gale, Finnick, Boggs…And then she's transfixed by what's going on above her. Through the ashes of the dead that are pouring down, she sees Peeta. He's covered in blood and carrying a gun, and her reaction is not love or joy but pure fear. He's not going to shoot her (they only gave him blanks, didn't they? Was that real?) but he's holding the butt of the gun like a weapon. And then he's above her, and he's aiming for her head. She rolls around more, screaming, because someone needs to stop him, he's going to kill her, and she sees Gale. She screams for him but he doesn't try to stop Peeta, he just picks up Johanna and runs for somewhere safer. They're sorry excuses for hunters and friends (she thought that before, real or not real?). And now Peeta's become a puppet, and she sees Snow above him through the ashes, manipulating the strings that are moving his arms and legs, and he's trying to kill her, she's not rolling fast enough…but what Snow can't control is his face, and that's what scares her most. This is not her Peeta: this is a hijacked maniac, trying to kill her because he hates her, he doesn't need her, he thinks she's not even human…She rolls for cover and finds herself instead face to face with Boggs, mutilated almost beyond recognition, with no legs, ashes everywhere. He pulls her close, looks into her eyes, and tells her something she knows she's heard before: "Kill Peeta." And then it repeats like a mantra, over and over until she's screaming as loud as she can, but she can't drown it out: Kill Peeta. Kill Peeta. Kill Peeta. Kill Peeta…
"Katniss!" She awakes with a start, her throat raw, and she knows she was screaming like she hasn't in months. She's aware that she's in her own bed, that she's safe, but she doesn't believe it. She can't stop screaming, thrashing—
"Katniss, you're safe. It's me. Look at me." But those perfect blue eyes are not going to calm her because he's the one who was trying to hurt her, and so she moves away, pushes him off, curls into a ball.
"I don't know," she whispers. "I don't know, I don't know what to…" She takes a calming breath. "My name is Katniss Everdeen. I live in District 12. I'm in love with Peeta Mellark. He tried to kill me. I was told to kill him. I was told to—" She stops, looks at him. He's sitting at the edge of the bed, not wavering in the face of her insanity.
"Boggs told me to kill you. Real or not real?" He hesitates. "Real, I think. I'm not sure. But probably real."
"You were there," she insists. "Didn't you hear him?"
"No, because I wasn't listening, but when he transferred the Holo to you—"
"He said, 'Don't trust them. Don't go back. Kill Peeta. Do what you came to do.' Real or not real?"
"Real," says Peeta, though she knows he didn't hear it. "And you did. You killed Snow, you—" And then she's sobbing again, pushing herself into the headboard, as far away from him as possible.
"No, I didn't kill you, I didn't, I didn't, I—" His arms are around her, comforting her, and she wants to pull away because she destroys everything but she can't. He's rubbing her back, pressing kisses to her forehead and her temple.
"You didn't," he tells her. "I'm right here. I'm safe. I'm alive. I love you." He repeats it over and over again, until eventually she begins to take in the truth behind his words: he's right here. He's safe. He's alive. He loves her. She clings to him, holds him tight so no one can take him. She starts breathing again, starts to feel the sheen of sweat on her body, how her heart rate is coming down.
"Can I go get some water?" she asks, quietly, and he nods, stroking her hair.
"They're still here," he tells her. "I can bring some up for you if you'd rather…"
"No," she says, shaking her head, getting to her shaky feet, "I'm okay. I can see them. I'm okay."
They descend the stairs slowly, because she's still shaky on her feet. She's grateful that Haymitch, Gale, and Johanna aren't pretending to talk or pretending that they didn't hear her. She's come to appreciate honesty.
"Catnip?" Gale asks as she sits next to him. Peeta gets her water and sits on her other side. She drinks it slowly.
"Boggs told me to kill him. Real or not real?" The question's directed at Gale, the only other person who was there.
"Real, I think," he says. "Real." She nods, slowly, letting the water calm her. Now Peeta's hand is on her leg under the table.
"I still can't believe I didn't get to be there for that," mutters Johanna. Katniss stares at her in disbelief but Gale smirks.
"Yeah, like I've been telling you, it was good times. Pretty much like running through a field of daisies," he tells her and the way he smiles at her scowl makes it clear they've had this argument before.
Peeta's looking awkward, like he's not sure whether or not to let them all sit around in awkward silence. Katniss looks at him, eyebrows raised.
"I was going to get some of my paintings to show them before you…" he trails off, not sure how to phrase it.
"Started screaming your head off like a lunatic," fill in Haymitch and Johanna in unison. They grin at each other. She rolls her eyes.
"Is Boggs in any of them?" she asks, and he shakes his head. "Go for it, then." He nods and leaves, heading to his studio and they hear him bumping around.
"How often does that happen?" asks Haymitch, tipping back a drink Peeta must have given him. He's trying to sound unconcerned but not quite making it. She wonders when he lost his unrivalled ability to feign indifference.
"It hasn't been that bad in months," she tells him, forcing herself to meet Gale's eyes too, so he'll know she's telling the truth. "He's usually with me, not entertaining people while I go to bed alone."
"No one made you leave, moron," Johanna tells her, rolling her eyes.
"It's what she does when things get tough," supplies Gale. "She just leaves." Katniss nods.
"I did it all the time in 13," she explains to Johanna. Haymitch is smirking again, but maybe he's just drunk. "It made Coin question her decision to rescue me instead of Peeta."
They laugh, appreciatively, and in the silence that follows, as the other three sip their drinks and think about Coin, Katniss realizes that Peeta is far too quiet.
Reviews make me smile.