A/N: Finally, another Fenris focused chapter. I have had this one planned out for the past three months. It took an extra long time to write it as I had so many ideas as what I wanted to happen in the second half of it. A painful secret is revealed..so read on! ALSO: my beta and I have been working on a Fenris story, it is posted under here account: Shinkshinkshink as FF does not allow duplicates. It is called Love is a Farm in Fereldan. Give it a looksie :-)
About a week later, I came home from the market with Orana. We left early in the morning to get some supplies for the house. I had nothing on my agenda for the day, and wanted to get a little fresh air. When I opened my front door, Fenis was sitting on the bench.
"Would you excuse us, Orana?"
"Yes, Mistress," she said, and scurried off with the groceries. Fenris stood up, and fidgeted in place. He looked as if he hadn't gotten any sleep, and his skin was pale.
"What's wrong, Fenris?"
"It's my sister."
"Your sister?"
"I didn't tell you, but I followed up on Hadriana's information. Everything she said was true. I had to keep it quiet, but I eventually contacted Varania and sent her coin enough to come meet me. And now she's here." Fenris frantically paced back and forth, unable to keep still. "Getting a letter to her was difficult and she didn't believe me at first, but she's finally come."
"You're worried Danarius knows?"
"The more it seems he doesn't know, the more certain I become he does! Come with me, Hawke. I need you there when I meet her. If we go to the Hanged Man during the day, she'll be there. For the next week at least. It would mean a lot to me. That's all I ask." He looked at me with pleading eyes. It was nine years now since he fled from Danarius, and there was no way I would let him face this alone, if it was indeed a trap.
"Let's get moving, then." I said to him, and he nodded in agreement. I left Anders out of it, I knew bringing him along would be insensitive to the situation. It was a very personal affair to Fenris. Instead, I went to the Keep to gather Aveline, then we headed to the alienage to get Merrill, as she had great knowledge in the arts of blood magic, should Danarius be involved.
We entered the Hanged Man and I took a quick glance around, and then spotted her. There, in the far corner, was an elven woman with red hair, and the exact same eyes as Fenris. As we approached her, she didn't even glance up.
"It really is you."
"Varania? I...I remember you. We played in our master's courtyard while Mother worked. You called me..."
"Leto. That's your name." Varania said, standing up, refusing to meet Fenris' glance. She had a distant look about her, and she was shaking a little. It became all too clear to me what was about to happen. My stomach flipped and I became terrified for Fenris.
"What's wrong? Why are you so-?"
"We have to get you out of here, Fenris!" I grabbed him by the arm. He had a look of doubt and confusion on his face, ever-so-momentarily. And that's when he appeared.
"Ah, my little Fenris, predictable as always," Danarius said nonchalantly, coming down the stairs in confident strides. His hair was aged, and he wore long robes. Several armoured men walked behind him. I turned to Fenris, and a look of pure terror spread across his features. His eyes widened, and his mouth hung open.
"I'm sorry it came to this, Leto." Varania said from beside us, and I could have struck her down right there. Fenris got right in her face, angrier than I had ever seen.
"You led him here!" Danarius came walking up directly behind the red-haired elf.
"Now now, Fenris. Don't blame your sister," he said in a tone that one would use on a pet. "She did what any good Imperial citizen should." He stood in front of Varania, strolling casually toward Fenris.
"I never wanted these filthy markings, Danarius! But I won't let you kill me to get them," he growled, fists clenched, and glaring at the magister. Danarius chuckled.
"Oh, how little you know my pet. And this is your new Master then? The Champion of Kirkwall? Impressive." I felt sick to my stomach that he even knew of me - that this sick, demented excuse of a man would even imply that I would own a slave.
"Fenris doesn't belong to anyone!" I almost screamed at him, ready to kill him right at that moment.
"Do I detect a note of jealousy? It's not surprising. The lad is rather skilled, isn't he?" The way the words rolled off his tongue, the way he said them - he wasn't implying Fenris' ghosting skills. No, this man was sick, and he made Fenris a body slave. I knew this before, and now more than ever, I knew he had to die. My blood boiled from within me.
"Shut your mouth, Danarius!" Fenris spat at him, his tattoos glowing, preparing himself to use them against his former master. Danarius gave him these skills to become a weapon, and Fenris was ready to make him regret it.
Danarius showed his first sign of anger since he appeared. He let out a shocked breath, clearly floored that Fenris would be so recalcitrant.
"The word is 'Master'!" he shouted.
"I'm going to wipe that smirk off your face," I hissed through my teeth, surprising even myself at the venom in my voice.
"You weren't always this way, Fenris," he started again, in a calmer voice. "Once upon a time you had affection for me. I remember it fondly."
That's when Fenris finally lashed out. Nine years he ran from this man, nine years he had been waiting for this very moment. Fenris threw himself towards Danarius, and the mage spread his hand directly across his body, using some kind of force spell, that hurdled Fenris into a table.
"Fenris!" I shouted, and when I turned to face Danarius again, he summoned a rage demon. Aveline lunged forward, impaling the demon. I cast a fireball towards one of the men, and his body went up in flames. A sword slashed across my back into my tender flesh. I fell to my knees. The other soldier approached, my blood on his sword. He was about to deliver another blow when Fenris' sword ran through him, and he fell to the ground.
Merrill froze another rage demon while Aveline hacked away at it, when Fenris pulled me to my feet. Quickly, I drank a health potion before we turned our attention toward Danarius. He had a sinister grin plastered on his face.
"You will bow to me again, I will own you; body and soul!" He hollered, stomping towards us. I shot a paralysis glyph at him, which only momentarily slowed his movements. He was incredibly strong, much stronger than the other blood mages I had faced - even Quentin.
He hit the floor with his staff, and a rumble of power erupted from the ground. It threw me to my back but Fenris managed to dodge it. He rushed at the mage, and began to deliver blow after blow. He was relentless in his movements, slashing and hacking his way through his former tormentor. He growled and hissed and blood splattered across his face. Danarius was clearly out of mana, and his body was weakening. Finally, he could not fight any longer. I stood up and shot a force spell at him, slamming him into a nearby wall. The evil man crouched on his knees, trying desperately to catch his breath, as Fenris paced over to him. His markings already aglow, he grabbed Danarius by his neck and lifted him up in the air.
The magister grabbed onto Fenris' hand, gasping for air. His feet dangled a good five feet off the ground. With a malicious and terrifying look spread across his face, Fenris narrowed his eyes.
"You are no longer my master!" he howled, like the wolf he had been named after, as he took his free hand and plunged it deep within Danarius' chest. A loud THUNK was heard as his heart burst from within him. Fenris killed Danarius with the very skill he taught him to use for his protection. Blood splattered everywhere, as Fenris' dropped his lifeless body to the ground of the tavern.
With a furious scowl on his face, Fenris turned to Varania, who had her hands lifted up in a surrendering motion.
"I had no choice, Leto." Fenris strode over to her.
"Stop calling me that!"
"He was going to make me his apprentice. I would have been a magister."
"You sold out your own brother to become a magister?" He spat with disgust.
"You have no idea what we went through - what I've had to do since Mother died. This was my only chance." Fenris markings lit up again and he began to back her into a corner.
"And now you have no chance at all," he growled. Varania looked at me with despair.
"Please, don't do this! Please, tell him to stop!"
"Wait, don't kill her!" I yelled. He whipped his head around to face me.
"Why not? She was ready to see me killed."
"This is your family, Fenris," While he was still looking my way, Varania's voice filled the air in a quiet song; the very song I heard Fenris sing twice before, the only memory he had of his past life. His eyes grew, and he turned around to stare at his sister. She was still against the wall, shaking and letting the notes flow from her mouth.
"Silentum nunc, parum unum. Cras est alium diem. Futurum enituit, et me semperque foveat tu."
"That...that song," he stammered. "I've remembered it for some time now, but I didn't know where it came from."
"Mother used to sing it to us, when she rocked us to sleep. Sometimes we would cry late at night, terrified. It was the only way she could calm us." Her words brought memories of me crying in his arms when I told him of my pregnancy, and how he held me and sang it softly in my ear to still my tears.
"I would have given you everything," he said sadly, and then he hardened. "Get out!" He snapped at her, and she began to run, but then stopped midway across the room. She turned to look at Fenris again, who was still facing the wall.
"You said you didn't ask for this, but that's not true. You wanted it. You competed for it. When you won, you used the boon to have Mother and I freed."
Fenris turned his head over his shoulder, to look at his sister once more.
"Why are you telling me this?!" So much pain came from his voice, so much anger and betrayal.
"Freedom was no boon. I look on you now and I think you received the better end of the bargain." With that, she turned and she left the tavern.
Fenris, whose head still hung down, walked slowly over to me. "I thought that discovering my past would bring a sense of belonging, but I was wrong. Magic has tainted that too. There is nothing for me to reclaim. I am alone."
I swear I could feel my heart shatter, he looked so sad. This was Fenris, a man who I had once been in love with, and still held him very close to my heart. I could almost feel tears in my eyes. I wanted to say so much to him, to tell him despite whatever happened to us - wherever life would take us, I would always be there if he needed me. Instead, I simply said "I'm here, Fenris."
Fenris placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, and his green eyes became soft and tender. The look he gave me is one I will never forget. He smiled - a sad, heartbreaking smile, meant only for my eyes. Our eyes met, and all we did was look at each other for several moments. I felt like taking him into my arms and just holding him close, but I stayed still. Eventually, his eyes and smile dropped, and an utter sadness replaced them. He turned from me and began to walk away. "I feel unclean, like this magic has been etched into my skin, and stained my soul. Let's go. I need to get out of here."
Fenris was silent when I walked him back home. Merrill went back to the alienage, and Aveline returned to her husband Donnic, so it was just the two of us for the remainder of our Hightown stroll. When we arrived at his front steps he turned to me.
"Thank you, Hawke. You have been a great ally, and I truly am glad that you came with me."
"Fenris, of course I came. I would never let you face that awful man alone."
"I know," he said, turning away. "You have been a better friend than I, and for that I am sorry."
"Nonsense," I said, cheerfully.
"No, it's true. But, maybe we will talk more of it another time. I wish to sleep now."
"Alright. Will I see you soon?"
"You can count on it." he smiled, and went inside.
When I finally got home, Anders was furious with me. He heard through the grapevine about what transpired at the Hanged Man earlier.
"Are you mad? You went up against a powerful magister, and you didn't think to tell me?"
"Anders, please try to understand. It was a delicate matter."
"You brought Merrill! Merrill! She can't even heal. What if something were to happen?"
"Do I look like I've been torn apart to a million peices?"
"Well, you certainly look like you've been through the Void."
"Gee, thanks." I frowned, and he sighed.
"Marian, please. You know what I meant."
"I know, I know." I looked at him, and he had paper and ink spilled all over the study. "I guess you won't be coming to bed then?"
"I'm sorry, love. I have a lot to do tonight. I promise, I'll make it up to you. I have something in mind for us, but it has to wait." I sadly smiled at him.
"It's fine. I just want to sleep." I said, and dragged myself up to my bedchamber. I was too exhausted to even fully bathe all of the sweat and blood off. I undressed, and took a wet cloth and rubbed myself down before collapsing on my bed and falling in a deep slumber.
I let two days pass before I decided to contact Fenris again. He went through hell and back, and if I knew anything about Fenris, it was that he liked his space. I had an urgent feeling to check up on him however, as I knew it was highly unlikely that he would come to me first. I needed a drink beforehand, as I was feeling overwhelmed by the mixed emotions going through my mind. I was terrified now Danarius was out of the picture, that Fenris would leave for Starkhaven. I knew it was a great opportunity for him, and maybe I was being a little selfish in wanting to keep him in Kirkwall for myself, but he had become my closest friend, and I didn't want to lose him.
The skies were gloomy, and I could tell it was going to rain soon. Just one quick drink, and I would be out of there, I told myself. I opened the door to the tavern that was our battleground just a few days prior, and over at the bar I saw her. That familiar tanned skin, with long flowing black hair and womanly curves. Isabela.
The tavern was still a bit of a wreck from the brawl, a few broken bar stools were off in the corner and blood was stained on the floor, but I barely noticed. I practically ran over when I saw her.
"Isabela!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms around her.
"Hawke." she said softly, barely looking at me, her attention on the drink in her hand.
"I've missed you. I was so worried when you never wrote. Why didn't you write me? Oh nevermind that. The important thing is you're back. When did you get here?" I rambled on, feeling a little like Merrill when she went off on a tangent.
"I heard Castillon was in town. I decided to come to him before he could get to me. Finally end this thing."
"Do you need my help?"
"No, Hawke. I'm fine."
"Why are you avoiding me? What's going on?"
"It's...nothing." she said, downing the rest of her drink. She still hadn't even looked my way, and I couldn't understand why.
"Well, I can see you want to be alone. Please come get me if you need anything. I'm glad you're back." I said, turning to walk away. I got maybe two steps away from her, and what she said next shook me to my core.
"I slept with Fenris."
I stopped dead in my tracks, thinking for a split second that my ears deceived me. I slowly turned around and faced her.
"What...what did you say?" Isabela finally looked up, and stared me straight in the eyes.
"I slept with Fenris."
"When?" I could barely speak. My heart pounded low in my chest...no...it felt like it had sunk into my stomach.
"After you defeated the Arishok. Right before I left. I...I was feeling terrible. And there he was, drinking his sorrows away about the child you lost. We had a few drinks together, and it just happened."
"So you thought the appropriate thing to do after you betrayed me was to sleep with my ex-lover?"
"It was stupid, I know. And I am sorry Hawke. It was just sex, it meant nothing."
"It means something to me, dammit!" I screamed, and slammed my fist down on the bar. Patrons turned and stared, but I didn't care. All I wanted were answers.
"How could you do this to me? You knew how I felt back then."
"Felt back then?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh who are you trying to fool? Look at you, look how upset you are. Clearly you're still over the moon about him."
"Shut up, Isabela! You've been gone for three years. You know nothing about my life anymore!"
"Is that so, oh Champion of Kirkwall? Your life is a lie! Your romance has been failing since before it started, and it still is, isn't it? I can smell the sexual frustration on you! You probably think of Fenris when that dickless half-brain Anders actually gets it in his head to fuck you."
"How dare you?!" I screamed, grabbing her by the scruff of her shirt, and pinning her against the far wall. My free hand turned into a fist, and raised to hit her, but then I hesitated.
"Well, come on! Hit me!" she yelled. "Or haven't you got it in you?" I slowly let go of my grip on her.
"You're not worth it. You never were. Good luck with Castillon." I said.
"Shit. Hawke, no...I'm sorry."
"I don't care." I turned and began to walk away.
"I saw Fenris yesterday." I snapped my head over my shoulder.
"Relive a few good memories, did you?"
"No, nothing like that. I noticed he's still wearing your crest."
"So?"
"You really haven't a clue, have you?"
"What in the Void are you on about?"
"He is in love with you, Hawke. And you're a damned fool if you haven't realised it." I stormed away from her, and swung the door open and wandered into the pouring rain.
I practically ran all the way to Hightown. The skies were howling and I was soaked from head to toe. It hadn't stormed like that since the funeral, and thinking of that brought back even more painful memories. I thought of Fenris and Isabela together so soon after I lost so much, and it made me want to vomit. I could almost expect Isabela to do something like this, sex for her was just a physical act of pleasure, nothing more. But Fenris, he left me in the middle of the night right after we made love...no after we rutted. Sleeping with me caused him such grief, and yet he was able to bed Isabela as if it were nothing. Or had it been just as hard for him? I needed to know. I needed him to tell me the truth. Not once had he been able to talk to me. Anytime I needed the truth from him, he pushed me further and further away. Not this time. I would make him talk if I had to.
I stood at his front door and started to pound my fists furiously. I was completely drenched, and had no clue what I was going to say to him. The door opened and Fenris stood there, looking confused.
"Hawke, what in the name of -"
"You slept with Isabela?" His eyes went wide, and then he looked away. "Talk to me, damn you! I'm tired of the silence."
"Yes, I did."
"Why? Why her? Why my best friend? Do you hate me or something?"
"Hawke, it's storming out here. You're going to make yourself ill. Come inside." he reached out to grab my arm, and I snatched it away from him.
"No, don't you touch me. Don't you dare touch me! I can't stop thinking about your hands on her. Tell me, Fenris. Did you leave her in the middle of the night like you left me?"
"No." he said, staring me dead in the eye. My heart plunged and I felt like death would have hurt less.
"Maker!" I began to cry, my tears joining the rain dripping down my face.
"It wasn't like that with her, because it meant nothing. She meant nothing. With you, it meant everything. I was a fool, not only for that, but for watching you walk away."
"What?"
He stepped outside, to join me in the pouring rain, and I took half a step back. Instantly, the rain made his white hair cling to his face and his eyes became an even brighter green.
"I thought it better if you hated me, I deserve no less. But it isn't better. That night...I remember your touch as if it were yesterday."
"Fenris..."
"No, I need you to hear this, Hawke. I have remained silent for over three years. Every night, you are there when I close my eyes. When I look at you, I wonder how I could have watched you walk away. Marian..." When he said my name, I felt weak. He almost never said my name and hearing it from his lips, I lost myself. "Do you ever think of you and I?"
"I don't...I can't..."
"I have kept my regrets to myself for so long. Marian, if I could go back, I would stay. Tell you how I felt."
"What would you have said?"
"Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you. I didn't realise that I loved you until I let you go. And now...oh, forgive me!" Fenris gripped my face with both hands, and pressed his lips to mine. His touch was familiar and foreign at once. I tried to pull away, but his hands kept me in place. The feeling of his tongue seeking to gain entry of my mouth set me on fire. Three years ago, I begged for him to talk to me, begged for him to tell me how he felt. The timing was all wrong, but Maker, I longed for this moment. I gave in, and allowed him access, kissing him back feverishly. I moaned into his mouth as our tongues danced together. He tasted of lyrium and all that was Fenris. He clung onto my back, holding me as we kissed...and that's when his face flashed into my head. Anders.
No...no this was wrong! I was in love with Anders, the one who never left me in the middle of the night crying. He trusted me with his life, and I just fell into the arms of my ex-lover. I pulled away quickly, and Fenris looked alarmed.
"Hawke?" I began to cry again, feeling overwhelmed and shameful.
"I...I can't Fenris. I'm sorry, but I just can't."
"I ... I understand." He said.
Sobbing, I turned to walk away, and there standing in the rain, mouth agape was Anders. He saw everything. He saw Fenris lean in to kiss me, and he watched me eagerly return the favor. My heart felt as if it could rip right out of my chest, that look of pure betrayal was spread all over his face. He had water dripping down his nose. He stared at me with such a sadness in his eyes, and then he turned his attention to Fenris. The mournful expression dissolved into one of pure hatred. A hate for Fenris that he buried down for three years for my sake, that was now about to erupt. Anders' eyes narrowed, his fists clenched.
And that's when he lunged.
End notes: Ooh drama! I used lines from two songs in Fenris' confession. They are Let her Go (Within Temptation cover) and Beautiful Goodbye by Amanda Marshall. These have been my official 'Fenris' songs for the past 2 months. Beautiful and sad.