Author's notes
Hi guys! Unfortunately, this is the last chapter of Lessons In Love; the epilogue will be posted tomorrow. I have plenty more work coming up this month, for your enjoyment. If you would like to know what's coming, go to livejournal and type my username into the search box. Once on my journal, check the entry titled Announcement: What's Coming Up, which was posted recently. This will tell you my forthcoming works.
Hope you've enjoyed this story and that you're looking forward to more from me!
Kathryn xxx
Chapter 25
Ennis sat on their bench, knees drawn up to his chest as he half-listened to the sounds beyond the trees. He was still a little shaky after his nightmare and he knew that it would be some time before he calmed down. He kept looking at his watch and he knew that Jack must have returned by now, and that he must have seen the note. Thoroughly feeling ashamed of himself for deserting Jack yet again, he sighed to himself.
I've gone an' done it now, he thought to himself. Keep runnin' out on him like that when I get scared or pissed off...he won't wanna keep puttin' up with it. I shouldn't have left like that, but...I just snapped. He's gonna be worryin'...I should tell him where I am...I should apologise...
He knew that he should call Jack, but the thought that he'd finally gone too far was weighing on his mind. Surely Jack wouldn't want to be with someone who kept bailing on him? He needed someone who he could trust to stay when things became hard; someone who would be there for him. Ennis had so wanted to be that person, and he still did, but what would Jack do now? Would he have finally had enough of him? Was their relationship over in just a few short months?
Lost in his thoughts, he jumped when his cell phone rang; it was Jack. His thumb hovered over the answer button, but he was afraid that Jack was calling to tell him that it was over. He wasn't sure that he could take it if he was. He knew that he had somehow survived without Jack until late last year, but he couldn't imagine being without him.
Ennis stared at his phone as the ringing continued, and then it went to voicemail. When it was finished, he clicked to listen to the message from Jack. He sounded quite worried and Ennis's heart sank to hear the effect this was having on him.
"Ennis, it's me. I found the note and I'm worried about you. Please let me know if you're alright and where you are."
He pulled the phone away from his ear and sighed. Jack was worrying about him, which gave him some hope that he wasn't angry at him. But his mind kept niggling at him, filling his head with paranoia.
What if he's just concerned now, to make sure you're alright? What if, when you go back, he then tells you it's over? He might just wanna make sure you're okay, an' when he knows it, he's gonna start in with his disappointment.
I can't lose him, Ennis thought desperately. He looked down at his phone; his wallpaper was a picture of them together that he'd asked someone to take in Provincetown. They had been on the beach in their trunks and loose shirts, with their sandals in their hands and their arms around each other.
"Closer together, boys!" called the woman who was taking the picture. "Let me get you both in."
They pulled each other close and Jack smiled up at Ennis. "Been a great trip, hasn't it?" Ennis kissed his forehead and nodded, feeling completely at peace and happy that they were here.
"Sure has, darlin'." They turned back to their new acquaintance and she snapped the photo.
"Good one, guys. Here you go." Ennis took his phone back and they looked at the picture; it was absolutely perfect.
He looked over at Jack, seeing the sky and the sea reflected in his beautiful blue eyes. "What do you think, bud?" he asked him, and Jack smiled widely at him.
"Looks great."
Ennis sighed to himself as he remembered that day, and other parts of their trip. It had been the first time that they had gone away together, just the two of them, and he had loved it. The sunny endless days where they had either lain on the beach getting tanned or walked around town window-shopping...the cool evenings when they had walked down the beach hand-in-hand and talked softly...but most of all, the heated nights in their bed when they had given themselves to each other willingly and lovingly. He would always remember their first trip there, even if they ended up moving to the area.
Of course, all of that was now in jeopardy. He'd gone off again, after promising Jack that he would never bail on him again. He knew that he would have to face Jack at some point, and he was dreading it, but he knew that he deserved to hear whatever Jack threw at him. When Jack blew up at him for going against his word, he would stand there and let him do it; he owed him that much.
"Jack...I'm so sorry, darlin'..." he whispered. "So fuckin' sorry..." He saw his phone buzz again and looked; Jack had sent him a text.
Please get in touch. I'm not mad at you for leaving, but please talk to me. I miss you.
A lump grew in his throat and he shakily began to text back. It took him several attempts to say what he wanted, and even then he wasn't sure it was the right thing to say. He didn't know what he could say right now.
Miss you too, I'm sorry. I'm in the park.
He sent the text and rubbed his eyes with one hand. "Jack, I swear...if we get through this...I'm gonna make it up to you. Promise you, darlin'..." He sat on the bench and hoped that Jack would arrive soon. Whenever they were apart, they missed each other terribly and always wanted to be together, and it felt even more intense when things had gone wrong like this. Knowing now that Jack wasn't angry at him, he calmed down a little, and now he was determined to try and fix this. He knew that Jack would likely take the initiative; he figured that Jack would have plenty to say about this.
Jack and Lureen made their way to the diner, stopping students at random and asking if they had seen Ennis. None of them had, so they kept walking. Lureen noticed that Jack was trying not to panic too much, but his fear showed in his eyes. She linked her arm through his as they walked, trying to offer him some support.
"It'll be alright, Jack," she said to him. "We'll find him." Jack nodded and they entered the diner.
"Hey, kids!" said Debbie in a cheery voice. "You back already? Take a seat and I'll be right with you."
"Um, we're not staying, Debbie," replied Jack. "We need some help." They both stood at the counter and she immediately became concerned.
"What's wrong? Where's Ennis?" They looked at each other and Jack bit his lip.
"When we left here, we went back up to our building. I thought Ennis would've been there, but...he wasn't. I found a note from him saying that he needed to get out of there, and that he was sorry. He said he'd call when he was ready..."
Debbie's expression was one of shock. "Oh, Jack...what brought this on?"
"I dunno...remember that thing in the paper you showed us before, about that guy? He's been worried about the same thing happening to me ever since. He's all freaked out..."
She sighed. "Oh dear...have you tried calling him?"
Jack nodded, wiping at the tears pricking in his eyes. "I tried, but...went straight to voicemail. He won't answer my calls..."
By now, the other students in the diner were noticing Jack's distressed state, and were watching him.
"It's okay, Jack," said Lureen, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It'll be alright..."
Jack shook his head, now starting to worry. What if Ennis was attacked while he was out? What if he crossed the road and was hit by a car or something? He remembered all of those times when Ennis had worried about him while they were apart, and how worried he had been about someone hurting him. Jack had often wondered why he'd never felt that worry, but now he knew how it felt. Now he was worrying about Ennis and what might happen to him while they were apart.
"I just...what if something happens? He could get hurt, or..." The majority of students were listening in and had expressions of pity on their faces. He shook his head and folded his arms. "I dunno what to do..."
"Jack?" asked a female voice behind him. He turned to see one of the girls who had been talking about them a few weeks ago; her name was Sarah. "Are you okay?"
He took a breath, not wanting everybody to see how upset he was. "Ennis is all freaked out about the guy who was killed a while back. I went up to the room and he's gone, left a note. And he won't answer my calls."
She looked saddened and slightly ashamed. "Oh...I'm sorry about that. Do you have any idea where he might be?"
Jack shook his head. "Not really." She looked back at her group of friends and they all exchanged a nod.
"Jack...we're sorry about all the aggro we gave you. I guess we were just listening to the stereotypes we've heard about. We never really got...how much you two must care about each other." She sighed. "Anyway, we're sorry."
He hadn't expected this, but appreciated it anyway, so he nodded. "Alright. Thanks..."
Sarah chewed her lip. "You think he could be in town anywhere?"
"Yeah, probably. Why?"
She turned to the group of guys in one corner. "Hey, Chris!" she called, and a dark-haired guy looked at her. "Come here." He came over and slung an arm around her shoulders.
"What's up?" Sarah relayed to him what was going on, and he let out a low whistle. "Damn, that's not so good. Sorry, man. Never thought things were like that with you two."
"What did you think it was?" said Lureen incredulously. "Just because they're gay, it means their feelin's can't be as strong as anyone else's?"
Chris looked down and mumbled an apology; Jack knew that Lureen could be quite intimidating when annoyed. Sarah couldn't help but smirk.
"Anyway...you and the boys doing anything today?" she asked, and he shook his head.
"Not really. We were thinking of seeing a movie, but..."
"Well, I've got a job for you all. I want you to go around town and look for Ennis." Chris looked at Jack and nodded.
"Alright. Guess we can do our good deed for the day, huh? Come on, boys!" he called to his friends. "We've got a cowboy to find." Jack swallowed.
"Thanks. Just...tell him to call me, okay?" Chris nodded and they left. Jack turned to Sarah. "Thanks. I, uh...I appreciate it."
She gave a small smile. "It wasn't fair of us to get after you just for being different. You can't help who you love, so...it wasn't our place to judge." She looked down at his ring. "You two really mean a lot to each other, don't you?"
He could tell that she was at least trying, so he nodded. "Yeah, we do."
Debbie put a hand on his shoulder. "You wanna sit down, honey? I'll bring you some coffee." Jack nodded and flopped into a seat, feeling weary. He dug out his phone, but there was nothing from Ennis. Hoping to get in touch, he started texting.
Please get in touch. I'm not mad at you for leaving, but please talk to me. I miss you.
He rested his head on his arm and stared at the wall, thinking. About five minutes later, his phone buzzed.
Miss you too, I'm sorry. I'm in the park.
Jack's eyes widened. "Lureen!" She turned and caught the look on his face.
"What is it?"
"He's in the park..." Jack shot up and drained his coffee. "I'm gonna go find him. Can you tell Sarah to call off the guys?" She nodded and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Good luck, Jack." He sprinted out of the door and down the road before she had a chance to say anything else.
Jack ran through town as quickly as he could, heading for the park. He was thinking of nothing else but getting to Ennis and talking to him, sorting this out once and for all. He had to find out what had scared Ennis and how they could work through it.
The park was deserted when he got there, but he carried on through towards the secluded area where they had spent so many quiet afternoons together. He kept checking his phone, but no more messages came up. Rounding a corner, he could see Ennis in the distance, sat on their bench and looking heartsick. He sighed to himself and approached him.
"Ennis..." He saw Ennis lift his head and open his mouth a little. Jack could tell that he'd been crying a little in his absence, and the sight of it made his heart ache. Even if he had been angry at Ennis for bailing on him like this, the picture before him would have been enough to calm him down. He came over and sat down next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing. "Are you okay?"
His lover could barely meet his eyes, and Jack could tell that he was scared. "Jack, I...I'm so sorry..."
"What happened?" Jack asked softly, and Ennis let out a shaky breath.
"When you was out, my mama called. She said how my dad's been talkin' about me, sayin' that I was written out of his will an' all...an' then she said how she told him about visitin' us, an' he said she can't do it no more or he'll divorce her..."
"We could go and visit her..." Jack suggested, and this time Ennis met his eyes, full of fear.
"No...we can't, Jack. He said that if we tried, he...he'd set his friends on you. They've got tire irons, Jack...they'd attack you if we went over there..." He swallowed. "Then...when we hung up, I fell asleep...had a nightmare of him attackin' you..."
Jack sighed. "So...why did you run off?"
"I just kept thinkin' about him hurtin' you, an' seein' your face all bloody an' all...an' I remembered that guy who got killed before...just all got too much for me. I couldn't stop thinkin' that someone was gonna hurt you an' take you away, so...I just had to get outta there..." He looked away. "I'm sorry for bailin' on you, but...didn't know what else to do."
"Alright..." Jack said, putting his arm fully around him and looking around, trying to think. "Why didn't you answer my calls? Or call me yourself? I would've come straight to you."
He felt Ennis tremble. "I kept thinkin' that you were pissed about me runnin' off on you again an' that you'd break up with me, that you woulda had enough by now. I ain't exactly always been here for you..."
Jack looked at him. "Ennis...I never got pissed about you running off, ever. I was always thinking about following you, making sure that we fixed whatever was wrong before it was too late. And just now...I was worried about you getting hurt. You're always worrying about me getting hurt, and now...I know how it feels. Look at me, Ennis..." He cupped his cheek and turned his face. "I've never been pissed at you for bailing on me, because I know you love me. It's not like you left me...you just got scared."
"Yeah, but...you need someone who ain't gonna keep bailin' like this, someone who's always gonna be there. I dunno if I can promise to be that guy..."
"I know you can do it, cowboy. I've always had faith in you. It's just...we have to do something about this; to make sure it doesn't happen again. I know you got scared, and that's okay, but...bailing on me isn't okay. You can't keep doing this." He stood up and crouched down at Ennis's knees. "Okay...what is it that makes you feel you've gotta run?"
Ennis looked into his face. "I just get scared of somethin' happenin'. I love you so much, Jack, an'...when I think that I'm gonna lose you, I just..."
Jack rose up onto his knees and cupped Ennis's face. "You're not gonna lose me, Ennis. I know it's hard to believe that when it's your worst fear, but...you have to get past that thought. Look...we're gonna have a long life together, but...if we run every time something happens that scares us...we'll be running for the rest of our lives. We can't just run and hide when we get scared; that's no way to live. We have to stand against it, together. It's us against the world, baby, and...this is all we need. I love you with all my heart, and...I don't like the idea of us being all shaky like this. We have to let go of the fear before it eats us up."
Their eyes blazed into one another, Jack's words hanging in the air. Ennis sighed. "I wanna stop bein' scared, Jack...an' I wanna be with you forever. Just ain't easy..."
"I know, but...in time, it'll fade. When we're more settled into this, you'll soon be busy being too happy to think about being scared. We'll throw ourselves into our life together, and we'll be too busy loving each other to be afraid." He smiled a little. "Ennis...if this is gonna work, we have to be in this together a hundred per cent. I need someone that I can depend on to be by my side no matter what. It's all or nothing, cowboy...what's it gonna be?"
Ennis looked at him, his heart yearning for Jack and the life he was offering. He melted under Jack's touch and felt a peace overcome him. His fright dissipated as he looked into Jack's eyes, seeing the pure love in them. He sighed. "It's all, Jack...I swear, it's all." His lip trembled and Jack believed him. He rose up and threw his arms around Ennis, pulling him close.
"It's okay, Ennis...it's okay..." He felt Ennis shaking against him and made shushing sounds in his ear. "I love you, it's alright..."
"Love you too, Jack...swear to God I do..." He screwed his eyes shut and buried his face in Jack's neck, promising to himself that things would be different from now on.
They held onto each other for a while, and then Jack pulled himself away, looking up at Ennis. "This is it, Ennis...this is you and me, for good. This is where I wanna be, and I know you do too. You with me?"
Ennis nodded, determined now that he would make this up to Jack and make him happy. "Yeah, I am. Gonna make this up to you, Jack."
Jack leaned up and brought their lips together gently, pressing Ennis close to him and stroking his face. When they broke apart, they felt a need for each other growing within them. "Come on..." Jack whispered, and he pulled Ennis to his feet.
He led Ennis by the hand back towards campus, texting Lureen to tell her that he had found Ennis and they needed some private time together. They arrived at their building and walked up the stairs in silence, knowing that they needed to re-establish their connection. When they were safely in their room, Jack turned to Ennis.
"It's okay," he said softly, holding his lover's face. "It's okay..." Ennis took a deep breath and put a hand on his waist.
"Wanna be with you, Jack...I wanna..."
"I know, Ennis..." He leaned up and kissed Ennis again, gently pushing his tongue into his mouth and feeling him sigh a little. As they kissed, his fingers started to work on Ennis's buttons, knowing that they both needed some comfort right now. Ennis let Jack start to undress him and his own fingers reached Jack's shirt, pulling it up and sliding his hands up Jack's warm skin. Jack pushed Ennis's shirt off his shoulders and Ennis momentarily let go of him so that it could fall off the rest of the way. Their lips parted and Jack pulled his own shirt off, seeing the need in Ennis's eyes.
He wordlessly led Ennis to his bed, keeping eye contact with him. They sank down onto Jack's bed together and Jack rolled Ennis onto his back, leaning over him. "How do you want it, cowboy?" he asked softly, and Ennis considered what he needed most. As he looked up into Jack's eyes, the answer became clear to him.
"Wanna be inside you, Jack..." He wanted to feel Jack in his arms; to wrap him up and be sure that he was safe. He always felt calm when he was inside Jack; making love to him in a way that bound them together.
Jack nodded and rolled them both over so that he was underneath Ennis. "Alright, baby. I'm right here..." He lifted his head and kissed Ennis deeply, hands at the back of his head. Ennis sank down onto him and lost himself in Jack's touch, deeply regretting that he could ever have walked away from Jack the way he had.
But no more, he thought to himself as Jack ran his hands down his back to cup his ass. When they were both hard, they pulled apart. "Can we...?" Jack took the lube from the nightstand and handed it to him.
"Go ahead..." Ennis took the lube from him and smoothed it over himself, feeling Jack kiss at his neck. He tossed it aside and lifted Jack's legs, wrapping them around his waist where Jack clung to him tightly. "Come on..."
Ennis slowly pushed into Jack, needing to feel him and connect with him. Jack sighed as he felt Ennis fill him up, the familiar feeling washing over him. Ennis, meanwhile, felt peace run through him as he felt Jack's warmth. When he was fully inside him, he leaned in close so that their bodies were pressed together. Ennis held Jack in his arms and felt Jack wrap his own arms around his neck, their eyes glued together.
When he was ready, Ennis began to move inside Jack, taking it very slowly. Jack gave him a small smile. "I love you, Ennis," he whispered as they moved together, and Ennis brushed his lips against Jack's forehead.
"I love you too, darlin'..." He continued to rock into Jack, and brought their lips together again, their tongues meeting and curling around each other. They tasted every inch of each other's mouths that they could reach, and Jack sighed into Ennis's mouth. He squeezed Ennis with his legs and pulled his mouth away.
"No matter what happens, Ennis...I'm always gonna be by your side. I promise..."
Ennis looked down at him as he thrust into him, seeing the love and the devotion that Jack felt for him. "Jack...I swear...I'm gonna make you happy. You...mean more to me than anythin' else..."
Jack nodded. "Right back at you, bud. We're gonna be fine..." They kissed again and Jack could feel himself heading for his climax, feeling like he was on cloud nine. Ennis thrust into him a few more times and then let out a deep groan.
"God, Jack...oh, darlin'..." He buried his face in Jack's neck as he released into him, groaning loudly. Jack gave a yell and followed him into bliss, feeling complete.
They collapsed together on the bed and panted heavily. Jack kissed Ennis's temple and held him close. "Are you okay?"
Ennis nodded against him, nuzzling into Jack's chest hair. "I'm fine, Jack. This...us...it's for life, right?" He wanted this more than anything, and he was sick of always running from fear.
"Yeah, I reckon so. Wanna spend the rest of my life with you." Ennis sighed, immensely grateful that Jack had forgiven him, and promising that he would never let him down again.
"Me too...gonna be with you, Jack. Ain't never gonna let you down again. Can't keep runnin' when I got this. What we got...it's worth all the bad stuff."
Jack made an affirmative sound in his throat. "Yeah, it is. They can't ever take this away from us..." They fell silent and just lay together in the aftermath of their lovemaking. The time to talk would come, but both of them were optimistic for their future; the one that they would be making together.
After a while of just lying there together, they finally gathered the energy to speak. "Ennis?" asked Jack softly, looking down at him. Ennis lifted his head; his eyes were still a little hazy but focussed.
"Yeah?"
"You mean what you said before? About never doing that again? I know you don't like running away like that, but...how do I know it won't get that bad again? What if someone threatens to hurt me? Or what if I do get hurt? Are you gonna get scared and bail again?"
Ennis looked into his eyes, hating the fact that he'd disappointed Jack and made him doubt him. "Jack...I don't wanna keep runnin'. Every time I do, I just keep thinkin' of you an' how much it hurts you when I run off. I hate seein' that look on your face when I hurt you, darlin'. But...no matter what I do, or how bad I hurt you...you're still always there. You ain't never said you've had enough, or that you wanna break up with me..."
Jack stroked his curls. "That's because I don't. No matter what...I'm always gonna love you and wanna be with you. It just gets to me when you're thinking you're not good enough for me or something, because you are. You're all I need, Ennis."
They looked at each other, and Ennis sighed a little. "Just...when I think of you gettin' hurt, I...I keep worryin' that it's gonna happen when I ain't there, an' I won't be able to..." He bit his lip, unable to go on.
"Protect me?" Jack asked gently, and Ennis nodded. He sighed, remembering that him being hurt was Ennis's worst fear. "Well...that's just how it is. We can't be joined at the hip all the time, bud. I can look after myself, I know I can."
"I know you can, Jack. But...still means I wanna do it myself. 'Cos I love you..." Ennis swallowed and Jack took his hand, kissing it.
"Love you too, cowboy. We just have to have faith that we'll be okay. But what's your answer?" He fixed Ennis with his deep blue eyes that always went straight to his heart and soul.
Ennis raised his free hand to Jack's cheek. "I swear...I ain't gonna run no more, Jack. Scares me more than anythin' else to think of you gettin' hurt, but...runnin' ain't gonna do no good. An' I hate it when we're apart as it is. I don't like lettin' you down, so...it ain't gonna happen again."
Jack nodded. "Like I said, Ennis...it's okay to get scared, because that's just being human. But...it's not okay to run from fear and put what we've got in jeopardy. I don't want us to be like that. We need to stick together if this is gonna work in the real world. As much as we love each other, we have to be practical too. We have to make this work, Ennis..." He smiled a little. "I've got every faith that we can make it; we just need to work on a few things. I can teach you a few things to do when you get scared about something so that you won't feel the need to run, but we'll talk about that later. Just remember one thing..." He brought their left hands together so that both of their rings were visible. "We're tied together, no matter what. Right?"
He was stroking Ennis's back with his other hand as he spoke, and this was giving Ennis some reassurance. He saw Ennis smile a little. "Right, Jack. Ain't nothin' that can tear us apart now, right?"
"That's right, cowboy..." Jack whispered as he rose up a little, seeking his lover's lips. He sealed his mouth over Ennis's and they kissed deeply, their tongues slowly playing together in Ennis's mouth. When they pulled apart, Jack cupped Ennis's face. "Tell you what...let's talk about something else. You know what's coming up next month?"
"Um..." Ennis wracked his brains, but nothing came to mind. He shook his head. "I dunno, Jack..."
Jack smiled a little and hoped that he would be able to convince Ennis. "It's Pride month, and there's gonna be celebrations on the last weekend over in Boston. You wanna go?"
Ennis looked at him nervously. He'd heard of this, but had never seen it first-hand. "Dunno, Jack...I ain't never been to nothin' like that. What do they do?"
"Well...it's mainly just about guys and girls like us celebrating who we are, without feeling ashamed. And not just us; families of gay people can get involved too, like PFLAG. My mother's actually thinking of joining them. Anyway...there seems to be a really great atmosphere. I've never been to one, but...I saw last year's on TV and it seemed a lot of fun. We could be who we are without having to hide it, like in Provincetown. They have this big parade too. What do you say?"
He looked at Ennis hopefully, wanting him to say yes. He knew it would give them both a boost to go to something like a Pride event, and it would be fun. Ennis slowly smiled at him. "Sounds good, Jack. God knows we could do with some fun for a change after these last few weeks. Alright, we'll go."
Jack grinned and kissed him again. "You got it. I love you, Ennis...can't wait to live with you in our own place. We can christen all the rooms on our first night." Ennis went bright red and tried to hide his grin.
"Um...whatever you want, darlin'," he mumbled, and Jack laughed affectionately, hands in his hair.
"Come here, cowboy..." He pulled Ennis into his arms and they hugged tightly, certain now that their future would be a happy one; full of life and love and good times. They both knew that it wouldn't be easy, but they were willing to take the risk. What they had was worth whatever hardships came their way, and they knew that together, they would make it.