Mello: The Reckoning by Shapes & Colors
Matt: Air by Rogue
Chapter 23: Reunion
Mello drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, staring up at the red light as Matt fiddled with the radio, trying to find a station that wasn't absolutely terrible: a battle he'd been waging practically since they'd pulled out of the Amane's driveway. Without a word, he finally settled on something he knew they would both be able to tolerate: a soft rock station.
The light turned green, and Mello continued down the road in the Amanes' car. He stared straight ahead, trying to concentrate on the expanse of concrete ahead of him, but despite his best efforts, the same thoughts he'd been having since the night before kept creeping back into his mind.
He'd imagined how visiting his father would go a thousand different ways since he'd made the decision to do so. The images his mind produced ranged from happy reunions and reminiscing about past events that Mello only had the vaguest memory of…to the impossible realization that his father was in fact the crass, selfish, disturbed human being Mello had assumed him to be growing up. Each time he tried to imagine seeing his father again for the first time since he'd been five, it came out differently.
And it was maddening.
He'd been awake until close to 2:00 in the morning thinking about it, driving himself insane over it, and had woken up a little after 9:00 wondering why he'd ever thought that this would be a good idea.
He knew he didn't have to—no one would hold him too it—but at the same time, he knew that he had no other choice. If he left Ohio without visiting his father, he would always regret it. So he had to, and that was all there was to it.
But as he pulled into the little public parking lot near the county jail, he couldn't help but wonder if he'd made a mistake. What if he had remembered incorrectly? He'd been five, after all. Wouldn't it be wiser to trust what the adults had said when he'd been growing up? His father was a lowlife. It wasn't worth visiting him in jail.
"Mels…?" Mello turned to see Matt looking at him with concern.
He didn't know what to say. He sat there, paralyzed, his lips pressed into a thin line. His whole body felt tense. What if he were making a mistake?
"Mels…you don't hafta do this." But Matt was wrong. He did have to do this. He'd already decided that. And yet he couldn't bring himself to get out of the car.
He looked away from Matt, trying to relax, and found his fingers still clutching the steering wheel. He slowly loosened the tension in his hands until he could remove them, setting them in his lap. He shook his head slowly, playing with the set of keys still dangling from the ignition. "I need to do this," he said, not sure if he was trying to convince himself or Matt.
Matt pulled Mello's hand away from the keys, lacing their fingers together. He pulled it up to his lips, kissing the back of Mello's hand. "Then I believe you can."
• • •
Mello sat looking around the miserable little reception area: faded, worn out chairs lined up in six short rows, a small table at the end of one of the rows holding several outdated magazines, the florescent lights overhead bleaching the color out of everything they touched. Aside from the old woman who sat in the corner, quietly reading one of the magazines, and the guard standing in the corner by the door that lead further into the prison, he and Matt were the only two in the room. It wasn't someplace he wanted to spend five minutes in, let alone thirty.
For as nervous as he'd been going in, most of his anxiety had dissipated over the past half hour. They'd checked in, having to give the receptionist their driver's licenses for what Mello presumed to be some sort of abridged background check, and told her who they were there to see and their relation to the inmate they wished to visit. They'd exchanged a brief look before Mello had hesitantly volunteered the information that he was Isaac Keehl's son…and that Matt was a family friend. It was easier than explaining why Matt was really there, a reason Mello wasn't even sure that he understood completely himself.
But that was thirty minutes ago, and it seemed the receptionist had all but forgotten them. He leaned forward in his chair to try to see into the small window the receptionist was hiding behind. He couldn't see what she was doing, but it didn't seem like she was too concerned with doing whatever it was very quickly.
He flopped back in his seat with a disgruntled sigh, crossing his arms over his chest and slouching down into the uncomfortable chair, catching Matt's attention. He looked up from the game he was playing on his cell phone to Mello. "You okay?"
"Fine," he grumbled, looking back over at the receptionist window again. He didn't even care anymore; he just wanted to get this over with.
Matt poked him in the ribs, making him jump. He turned back to Matt to find him holding out his cell phone, his game paused on the screen, with a small smile on his face. "Hmm?" he offered.
"Mihael Keehl and…Mail Jeevas?" the receptionist called, pronouncing Matt's name carefully and uncertainly but, nonetheless, incorrectly. Mello couldn't blame her; he'd been rather confused himself the first time he'd seen Matt's given name.
Hearing what was clearly supposed to have been his name, Matt let out a sigh and pocketed his cell phone. Mello followed him up to the receptionist window where they were handed back their driver's licenses.
The receptionist launched into a well rehearsed speech, explaining the rules and regulations set forth for visitors. They would be assigned a locker to put their belongings in—wallets, cell phones, etc.—and would have to go through a metal detector before continuing to the visiting room. She told them that they would only have half an hour with the inmate, and when they explained that Mello planned on going in by himself to start, she said that Matt would have the opportunity to go in at half time if they so chose.
She rattled off her instructions, and the guard took them to a small side room that held a few banks of lockers before ushering Mello off down a hall, through a metal detector, and finally to the visiting room. It was a simple room that held several small rectangular tables with two short benches on either side; a clock ticked from the wall, keeping the time with precision. The guard that had led Mello in remained standing by the door they had came in though and motioned for him to take a seat.
He sat at one of the open tables, listening to the chatter of the visits going on around him, waiting. It was surreal. He'd considered visiting his father in jail when he'd been younger—he'd considered what he would say to the father who'd abandoned him, but none of that seemed to apply any longer. He had no idea what he would say.
Would he recognize his father when he saw him? Would he be able to remember more about his childhood? Questions swam in his mind as the apprehension he'd felt when they'd first entered the jail came rushing back, flooding his gut and making his insides squirm. What if he was making a mistake?
The door on the other side of the room was pushed open, and a man in an orange jumpsuit stepped in. His blond hair was pulled flat against his skull in a low pony tail, his slightly receding hairline evident. Crow's feet and dark circles bordered his otherwise youthful blue eyes; graying stubble covered his jaw line and upper lip. He looked haggard and tired, a confused expression on his face until he saw Mello sitting at the little table in the center of the room. His eyebrows shot up in surprise and disbelief, emphasizing the lines etched into his forehead.
Mello found it hard to look at him. He didn't recognize his father—seeing him again sparked no new memories of what he had looked like when Mello had been a child—but the resemblance was undeniable. It was like looking into a mirror that showed him his future, and he couldn't stand it. Seeing his father standing there in a prisoner's orange jumpsuit brought back all his old fears. What if he ended up like his father?
He heard his father sit down on the bench opposite him but couldn't bring himself to look back over at him. Instead, he sat staring off to his father's left, his lips a thin line and his jaw set tight, trying to hold back the tears that were welling up.
"Mihael?" his father questioned, disbelief in his raspy voice.
"Mello…" he corrected, swallowing thickly. "I go by Mello now."
"So that nickname stuck then?"
Mello looked to his father in surprise, having to turn away again just as quickly. He'd thought people hadn't started calling him that until after his father had already gone to jail. "Yeah…" he replied simply, not trusting himself with any more words than that.
"How have you-" he started, but Mello couldn't take it anymore.
"How could you do that to us?" he demanded. It was a juvenile question, one a younger version of himself had been dying to ask for years. "How could you-" but the words caught in his throat as his tears threatened to spill over.
His father looked at him sadly. "I'm sorry…"
"Sorry doesn't mean anything!" he shouted and saw one of the guards standing along the perimeters of the room take a step forward out of the corner of his eye. He found himself standing, his hands gripping the edge of the table in the now near silent room. Ashamed of himself, he slowly loosened his hands from the table and sat back down, ignoring the stares of the other visitors and inmates.
"I know… Whatever I say won't even begin to make up for it, but it's all I have…" he said quietly, and Mello hesitantly brought his eyes up to meet his father's.
"You're right… It doesn't make up for it at all." The older man lowered his eyes, regret written across his face. But he couldn't escape that easily. "I've spent my entire life hoping I wouldn't turn out like you. Did you know I started anger management when I was sixteen?" His father looked up, his eyes wide in shock; the answer was clearly 'no.' "Do you know anything about me?"
His father only looked at him with remorse.
"That's okay," Mello said flatly. "You don't have to answer."
"Mihael…Mello, I didn't want to leave you and your mother," he said, his eyes pleading with Mello to believe him.
"Yeah, I know… But that doesn't change the fact that you weren't there." He felt a tear escape, rolling down his cheek, and quickly moved to brush it away. "You know mom's dead, right?" he said quietly.
His father winced. "Yeah… That I do know…"
Mello shook his head slowly. He didn't know what he'd planned on getting out of this visit, but he was starting to think that Matt had been right to question it. He felt awful.
"I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you growing up… I know that doesn't help anything, and you don't have to forgive me, but I want you to know that I wish I could have been a part of your life… I'd still like to if you gave me the chance…"
Mello could only stare, a million things going through his mind at once. What it would have been like to have his father in his life, what could have happened if he'd visited him earlier, the way he remembered feeling as a young boy when he'd first found out that he wouldn't be able to see his father again…how much those words really did mean to him…
Mello tried to say something, but he couldn't find his voice. Instead, he nodded, hoping that that would somehow convey everything he was feeling.
"I wish I could have watched you grow up… I would give anything to go back and change how I handled things so I could have been there for you and your mother…because you're right. I…I don't really know anything about you. And I hate myself for it."
Mello looked across the table at his father. He was no longer the monster Mello had believed him to be; he was the man who had encouraged him to sing when he'd been little, the father who had loved and cared for him. "I wish I would have visited sooner…"
His father smiled across the table. "That's okay. You'll always do things in your own time…just like when you were younger." Something in Mello's expression must have betrayed his confusion at these words because his father let out a soft laugh. "You were always so stubborn. Wouldn't do anything until you were good and ready." Mello could feel his cheeks grow warm. He'd lived eighteen years without embarrassing stories of him as a little kid; he wasn't sure that he wanted to start now. "But that was a long time ago… How are things now? Do you still like singing as much as you did when you were little?"
"Well, I uh…quit the church choir after you, uh…went to jail," he started hesitantly, finding it strange to talk about such things with his father. "But I've actually been working on a song with Matt. We-" He stopped suddenly, realizing what he'd just said. Matt was just out in the lobby, and if he did join them, Mello was sure it would get out that they were dating. But he'd just gotten his father back; he didn't want to lose him again if he reacted like his mother had when she'd found out he was gay. "…We went to a studio to record it last week," he finally finished, lowering his gaze to the table.
"That's great!" his father exclaimed, clearly very proud of him. "So are you trying to do something with music then?"
"No…not exactly," he said, half glad that his father hadn't asked who Matt was. But at the same time, he knew he would have to tell him eventually. "Matt's the one doing the music thing. He just asked me to sing in one of his songs. I'm thinking about trying to do something with my writing, but I don't really know that it's good enough…"
"You write?"
"Um, yeah… Mostly short stories…"
"Well, if that's what you want to do, you should. I'd love to read something of yours sometime."
"Yeah, I'll send you something when I get back home." It was hard to say those words; for the first time since he'd arrived back in his hometown, he felt sad that he would be leaving. "I, uh, moved out to California a couple months ago," he explained. "I got a scholarship to UCLA, so I'll be going there in the fall."
"Wow! Congratulations! So have you been living out there on your own all this time?"
"No, um…Misa's been going to UCLA, so I moved in with her…" he tried. It wasn't a lie…it was just only half of the truth.
"Who's Misa? You're girlfriend?"
At first, Mello was surprised that his father didn't remember Misa. He should have—they had been inseparable even back then—but then he realized that his father had gone to jail the summer before he met Misa. "No, she's…she's been my best friend since first grade, but we're just friends."
"Are you dating anyone then?"
"Um…" Mello could feel his heart pound against his ribs. It would be so easy to just say 'no,' and that would be the end of it, but… "Yeah, actually, uh…Matt. I'm dating Matt…"
His father just looked at him for what felt like a century, and Mello thought he might be angry. He was petrified; his fears were coming true. He should have just not told him. It would have been that easy. Matt didn't have to come in to meet his father, and if he did, he was just Mello's roommate, a good friend. It would have been-
His father slowly parted his lips as if preparing himself for what he was about to say. "Matt…is your boyfriend?"
"Yeah…"
"So you're…"
"Yeah… I'm…I'm gay," Mello said quietly, and his father slowly nodded as if trying to find a way to process it.
"Ah…um…o-okay…"
"Okay?" Mello said in disbelief. It was hard to imagine that his father was okay with it. Surely that wasn't even a possibility.
"Well…I can't say I…understand, but…" he said, proceeding slowly, choosing his words carefully, "I want you to be happy, and if this Matt guy is what makes you happy, then…yeah, I guess I'm…okay with it."
"Thank you," Mello breathed out. It was clear that his father was having a bit of a hard time with it, but for him to offer that much, it meant the world to Mello.
"So…how long have you and…Matt been together?"
"Almost two months."
"Okay…and um…" the older man paused, struggling with his words, "how did you, uh, meet?"
"Through Misa…" he smiled, remembering it. Misa had been the one to drag him to that rave, and Misa had been the one to introduce him to Matt when they'd run into him on their way into the apartment building; she'd encouraged him to pursue his feelings for Matt even when he had doubted himself—he really did owe so much to her.
"So…" His father cleared his throat, and Mello wondered if he was stalling. He said he was okay with it, but Mello couldn't help but feel like he really wasn't. His father was dragging through the conversation, forcing the words out. He clearly wasn't entirely comfortable with it to say the least.
"We can talk about something else…if you want," Mello offered, his voice dropping.
"No," his father said quickly. "It's fine. I…I'm just not used to it is all."
Mello looked at him, searching for something that would tell him if his father was lying. "Please just…tell me if you're really okay with it."
"Mihael- Mello," he corrected himself, more quickly this time. "You're my son. This isn't something I would have chosen for you, but if you're…gay, I'll support you," he said, sincerity in his voice. "I just wish I could have been there…"
Mello's heart dropped, and he wasn't sure if he was disappointed in his father for thinking that way or if he should feel bad for even mentioning it in the first place, for bringing his father to this conclusion. "It's not your fault…" Mello said quietly. "I just…I've never been attracted to girls. You couldn't have changed that…"
His father looked to him seriously. "You don't know that."
"It's not a bad thing, you know. I love Matt…" he said firmly, trying to make his father understand. "You said you just wanted me to be happy… well I'm happy. For the first time in a long while, I really am happy with where I am."
His father nodded, a short hum coming out in response, and Mello thought he had failed. He wouldn't be able to make his father understand. He looked away in defeat, the clock on the wall catching his attention. It had almost been fifteen minutes. He'd have to decide if he wanted Matt to come in soon. "Good," his father said softly, bringing Mello's attention back to him. His father was smiling. "I'm happy for you."
"Really?" Mello breathed out in disbelief. Maybe it was possible…
"Absolutely. Why are you so surprised?" his father said, his smile widening. "I don't care if you're gay, Mello. You're my son, and I'll love you no matter what."
Mello could feel tears well up in his eyes. That was all he'd ever wanted to hear. The years spent hating his father were gone, and with that, he knew that everyone who had ever told him that his father was a terrible human being was wrong. He looked to his father, not knowing what else to say. All he could manage was a simple "Thank you."
"Fifteen minutes," the guard who had led him in said, suddenly appearing behind Mello. His pulse quickened with the realization.
"Do you…want to meet him?" Mello ventured; he could hear the hope in his own hesitant words.
"Who? Matt?"
"Yeah… He came here with me for the funeral," Mello explained, deciding it was easier to say this than to go into everything that had actually happened. He didn't have time for that. He needed to know now.
Surprise still written across his face, Isaac Keehl nodded. "Oh, uh…yeah, sure."
Mello immediately turned to the guard and nodded, a huge grin on his face. He felt like a kid in a candy store. All his fears about this visit had been for naught. Things were turning out better than he'd ever hoped they would.
He watched as the guard took the walkie-talkie from his belt and said something into it, immediately receiving a response that sounded like "On the way" from where Mello was sitting.
He turned back to his father who suddenly looked rather nervous. "Are you sure about this?" he asked Mello. "Are you sure you want him to meet me…like this?" he looked around the concrete room and to his orange jumpsuit. Admittedly, it wasn't the best of situations, but it was all they had.
"Yeah… I've thought a lot about this, and I guess I only made a decision about a minute ago, but…yeah, I really do want you to meet him," Mello smiled, and his father let out a nervous sigh, trying to mirror Mello's happy expression.
The door opened behind Mello, and he turned to see Matt walk in, accompanied by yet another guard. His goggles, having been left in the locker, were absent from their perch atop his head, and it looked as if he had tried to smooth his unruly hair to moderate success. Mello caught his apprehensive gaze and gave him an encouraging smile which seemed to put him at easy if only slightly.
The guard who had escorted Matt in turned and left as the redhead made his way to the table at the center of the room. Mello's father stood as Matt approached and held out his hand. "Isaac Keehl," he said formally, and Matt hesitantly reached forward to shake hands with him.
"Matt Jeevas," he returned, clearly not quite sure what to make of the exchange.
"Good to meet you." Mello's father took a seat, and Matt followed suit.
"Oh, uh, yeah. Good to meet you too," he offered and slowly looked between Mello and his father. "So…um…"
"He knows," Mello said, knowing Matt would be wondering how much he had told his father about who he was.
"Oh…okay…" Matt said, and Mello couldn't tell if it had helped to lessen his nerves or made him even more anxious.
"So I hear you're trying to do something in the music industry?" the older man ventured, and Matt sat up a little straighter in his chair.
"Yeah… I'm, uh, actually plannin' on releasin' my first album later this week."
"And the song Mello helped you with will be on the album?"
Matt's eyes widened in surprise. He glanced over at Mello, not having expected this to have come up. "Yeah, it is."
"Thank you."
Matt gave him a questioning look. "You don't hafta thank me. Mello's the one who helped me out."
"Maybe," he smiled, "but you're the one who helped him start singing again, so thank you."
Matt visibly relaxed in his chair, and Mello reached over to take his hand. "You're welcome, sir," he said, a small smile coming to his face. "I can't imagine it any other way."
• • •
By the time Mello walked out of the county jail, a weight of several years had been lifted from his shoulders. He no longer carried the burden of hatred towards his father. In fact, he had been disappointed when the guard had informed him and Matt that their time was up. He had given his father a hug for the first time in more than thirteen years, an experience that had turned out to be slightly awkward after so much time.
He'd promised to start writing to him and to send one of his short stories with the first letter. The former, he was quite excited about; the latter, not so much. He knew once he and Matt returned home, he would have to begin wading through all his old writing to select the piece most worthy: a process that would no doubt take some time. Or perhaps he would try to write something new. He wanted to start writing again, this time not for a class but for himself.
But he would have time to think about that, and in returning to the Amane's car to begin the drive back, he was simultaneously sad to go and positively ecstatic with how well things had gone. "I can't believe how much I misjudged him!" he exclaimed, climbing into the car. "He's great, right? He didn't even care about us being together. I mean, he had a little bit of a hard time with it to start, but that's normal since he had no idea that I was into guys, right?" He heard Matt chuckle to his right as he slipped the key into the ignition. "What?" he questioned, turning to Matt as he started the car.
"D'you wanna take a couple seconds to breathe? Don't wantcha to pass out on the way back, crash into one of those cows we saw on the way here," Matt said, letting out a laugh.
"Oh, and I suppose it would be so much safer for you to drive?" Mello joked, pulling out of the parking space and starting down the road. "Speed limits are just suggestions, right?"
"Hey, it's not like I'm a bad driver…I'm just a reckless driver."
"Is there a difference?"
"Yeah, as a matter of fact, there is. I have never got into an accident. Hell, I've never even gotten a ticket. Bad drivers get caught; I don't. Besides, I'd never do somethin' that would endanger my cahr."
Mello glanced over to find a self-satisfied smirk on Matt's face. "Oh, right, your precious car. Not 'I'd never do anything to put you in danger.'"
"Oh right! That too," Matt said as if he hadn't even thought of it before adding in "I love you" and giving him a wide apologetic grin.
"Sure you do," Mello said, feigning offense.
Matt leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. "Of course I do. And I'm just kiddin'. I know you're excited about seein' your dad again and all."
"So…what did you think?" he asked, suddenly serious.
"I think…I was wrong, and I'm really glad you decided to do this. He actually turned out to be a pretty cool guy. And…I'm really glad you let me meet him."
"It didn't look like it when you first walked in," Mello teased.
"Okay, so I was nervous to meet your dad. I can't be the first person in the world to be nervous about meetin' their boyfriend's dad."
"Probably not," Mello agreed. He, for one, was terrified by the idea of meeting Matt's parents, and that wouldn't be a short half hour visit; they'd be staying with them the weekend of Tegan's birthday.
"So, uh…d'you…think he liked me?" Matt asked hesitantly, and Mello immediately glanced over in surprise.
"Were you worried that my father wouldn't approve of you?"
"Naw, of course not…well…yeah, maybe."
"Really?"
"You just seem to have this new respect for what he thinks, and I just…I dunno…"
"Matt," he said softly, dropping a hand from the steering wheel to search for Matt's, "it doesn't matter. Yeah, I'm glad he seemed to like you, but even if he didn't, that wouldn't change anything." But when he smiled back over at Matt, his concerned expression fading from his face, Mello couldn't help but wonder what it would be like when their situations were reversed. "I mean…what would you think if your parents didn't like me?" he ventured hesitantly as the car was brought to a stop for a red light, and it was Matt's turn to look over in surprise.
"D'you really think I give a fuck about what my parents think?" Matt said letting out a laugh. "If I did, I wouldn't've rebuilt my cahr, I wouldn't be goin' to college all the way on the other side of the country, and I sure as hell wouldn't be tryin' to do anythin' with my music."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Mello said, feeling silly for even mentioning it.
"Hey…Mels…" he said, his voice dropping, bringing Mello's attention back over to him. "You're not worried about meetin' my parents, ahre you?"
"Don't act like that's so surprising after how you reacted to meeting my father."
"Mels," he said and leaned over to kiss Mello when he looked over at him again. "Don't worry about it. It doesn't matter what they think. Besides…" he said, a devious smirk coming to his lips, "Tegan's the one you'll hafta impress."
"Oh good! Now I just have to figure out how to impress a seven-year-old," he exclaimed sarcastically.
"Hey, she'll be eight. Stakes ahre raised. It's like…ten times hahrder to impress eight-year-olds…prob'ly," he said, trying to sound serious and failing miserably at it.
"I'm sure," Mello laughed, and continued down the road as the light changed to green.
And even though he knew Matt was joking, Tegan would be the one he would have to impress. She meant the world to Matt, and if anyone's opinion mattered, it would be hers.
A/N: Sorry it has been so long! I definitely didn't expect to have to take the entire semester off from writing, but I'm hoping to be able to actually update on a semi-regular basis now. I know, I know, I've said this before ^^' However, I already know I won't be able to post the next chapter for a couple weeks, but in the meantime, I do have a new oneshot out called "The Lights Above" if anyone is interested in checking that out :)
One last thing…I've decided not to do the Misa x Takada spin-off, at least not right away. I'm not saying there is no possible way that I will ever write it, nor am I guaranteeing that I will eventually return to it; I just can't write it right now. Even though I received much more support for it than I thought I would, there is a different story that I want to write that I feel takes precedence. If anyone is so inclined, I have a little bit of information about my upcoming writing plans and my next story on my profile page.
A special thanks to the following reviewers:
HeroofTwilight'sgf, Unterseeboot, DarkAngelJudas, brightnight003, CatatonicVanity, Lotta Devon, MyBeautifulBlackHeart, BlOo KiSsEs, TheShadows2523, kiki1070, Steel Corpses, S-AcidRain, once-upon-a-dream012, teB360, WammygirlZ, Carlazard, Jacey21