Chapter 25 - The Legover Part 3

EPOV

There's nothing more inappropriate than getting a hard-on in front of your pretend-girlfriend's Elvis-impersonator of a dad. But seeing her silently mouth the word 'fuck' is like a shot of Viagra to not-so-little Ed. I want to hear Fluff as she moans the word again and again.

All of which is a minor distraction as we both stand back and stare at Charlie Swan. He is in the hallway, his dark hair gelled back and his white seventies-style suit just begging for some Saturday Night Beaver.

But what really stands out is the metal contraption he has in front of him. His palms are curled around the rubberized handles, and the seat is empty but for a fluffy pink cushion. I briefly wonder if he's brought it around as a potential prop for a movie, but even I draw the line at that sort of thing.

"What's with the wheelchair, Dad?" Fluff whispers. Charlie shrugs and pushes it into the living room, and I step back to let him pass. He swerves it around until it's in the middle of the carpet, a huge metal elephant in the room.

"I brought a bottle of Chianti," Charlie says conversationally, thrusting the brown paper-wrapped bottle into my hands. He barely looks at me, though the malevolence in his eyes is enough to make me recoil. Between Charlie and Emmett, it looks like my day is about to get a whole lot worse.

"Thanks." I take the bottle and place it on the dining table. "Can I get you a glass?"

My eyes keep wandering over to the wheelchair. I'm completely perplexed. Why the hell did he bring it?

"I'm driving." He raises an eyebrow at me. "I don't like to do anything like that in my car. In fact, I'm very particular about what I do in there."

"Some water then?" I pour him a glass from the carafe on the table. I'm itching to run away into the kitchen, where I can hear my mom crashing pans and boiling water. The lasagne is in the oven so I can't begin to think what she's doing in there.

I pass Charlie the water and scoot backwards. He leans to kiss Bella on the cheek.

"Something smells delicious, what are you cooking? Burgers?"

Fluff shakes her head, her eyes as wide as saucers. She's clearly reading more into this conversation than I am.

"I'm baking a lasagne," I interject helpfully.

Charlie raises his eyebrows. "Oh really? You strike me as more of a take-out man."

I take offense at this. I'm a healthy, wholesome guy. I hardly ever eat take-out. I'm not really a big fan of burgers unless you're talking ...

In 'n' Out.

Oh, fuck.

I literally freeze on the carpet. It's one thing having my mom see the pictures, quite another knowing the poor man's Elvis has seen the evidence of me doing the dirty with his baby girl. I try to erase the images from my mind, but all I can see is Fluff grinding in my lap, our lips entwined, and her hands tugging my hair so hard it makes me moan.

And her dad saw those pictures?

"Can I have a word with you?" Fluff grabs Charlie's arm and goes to drag him to her room, but he's steadfast and doesn't move an inch. She tugs again, muttering something about hot tubs and muff diving, but he emits a growl loud enough to make both of us jump.

"You see that wheelchair, Cullen?" He points at it as if I'm blind and unable to see the thing dominating Fluff's living room.

"Yes," I squeak out a reply.

"That belonged to my mother. My dead mother." He puts emphasis on the word dead. I feel myself start to shake. Compared to Charlie, Emmett is like an adoring puppy. I find myself longing for his evil barks.

"Dad ... " Fluff's voice holds a warning, but he shrugs it off in a way only an angry, protective father can.

"As I was saying, Cullen, this wheelchair was my mother's mode of transportation for the last twenty years of her life. She lived in that thing. She laughed in it, she cried in it." His voice drops an octave. "She died in it."

I hear Bella gasp back a sob.

Am I the only one that's finding this shit creepy?

"When she died, I folded this wheelchair up and put it at the back of my closet, certain one day it would come in handy."

His blue eyes pierce mine, waiting on my response. I nod my head rapidly.

"Today, son, is that day." He walks over and gets the chair, pushing it toward me until it almost touches the back of my knees. "Momma always said it was the comfiest chair she'd ever had. Why don't you try it out?"

"Er ... no, I don't think ..." My protests fall on deaf ears. He pushes me down, his grip surprisingly strong. My ass hits the pink furry cushion and I look up at Fluff, confusion written all over my face.

"Stop it, Dad," she admonishes. He waves her off again.

"What do you think, Cullen? Is it comfy like Momma said?"

To be frank, it's the most uncomfortable thing I've sat on since I made 'Bed o' Nails 5' but who am I to contradict the dead Mrs Swan? So I nod in agreement and watch an evil smile spread across his face.

"That's good, boy … that's real good. Because if you ever touch my daughter again, this wheelchair is yours. Do you understand me?"

I have to cross my legs in an effort not to pee my pants.

"Dad, that's not funny." I look up to see Bella staring him down with a withering glance. Charlie shakes his head and mutters something about it not being a joke, and I have to agree with his point of view.

"Edward, why are you sitting in that thing?" My mom walks out of the kitchen wearing an apron with 'Did I Just Walk Into a Garden? 'Cos All I See Are Hoes.' written across it. I can't figure out if it belongs to her or Fluff.

She sees Charlie standing next to me and her demeanor immediately changes. She starts to simper, running a hand across her over-teased hair, her eyelashes fluttering.

"And who is this gorgeous specimen of a man?"

I splutter out a laugh as Charlie starts to turn red, but a dark look from him is enough to remind me I'm still sitting in the wheelchair. I casually stand up and look at Fluff, who mouths a 'sorry' through pink rosebud lips.

"I'm Charlie Swan, Bella's father." He leans forward to shake Mom's hand. She places her fingers in his palm and looks at him expectantly. He eventually gets the message and lifts her hand to his lips. I wonder if she's getting an added exfoliation from his bushy 'tache.

"I can see where she gets her good looks."

Charlie's blush deepens and I see where Bella got that from too. His hand is still wrapped around my mom's and I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable about the whole situation.

"I don't see any resemblance between Edward and you at all." He says it as if it's a compliment.

Mom giggles. "Oh, he takes after his late father." She leans closer toward Elvis-lite. "Did he tell you I'm a widow?"

"I'm sorry to hear that ma'am."

Her smile is wide. Almost voracious. "I've been alone for a long time. I'm very available."

Charlie coughs, I choke and Bella wheezes. My mom stands there grinning, waiting for his response. His mouth starts moving but no sound comes out, and I want to hug my mom for being the one who finally makes Charlie Swan speechless.

The oven timer pings, giving me a reason to do something other than stand and watch my mom try to seduce Bella's dad. I turn and walk into the kitchen, trying to pretend I can't hear him telling her she's the spitting image of Priscilla Presley.

I'm thinking she might be more Queen of the Desert, but who am I to contradict?

As I pull the bubbling pasta from the oven and place it on the counter, my phone starts to ring. I pull it from my pocket, checking the display to see it's Jasper calling.

"What's up?" I'm praying he hasn't clogged up the hot tub again.

"Is that Ed 'The Battery' Cullen, famous porn star and multiple award nominee?"

I roll my eyes.

Bella opens the kitchen door and sidles in, her face a mask of disgust. I don't know what they're doing in the living room, but it's clearly enough to make her scowl.

"What are you talking about, you douche?" I speak down the mouthpiece to Jasper. I wink at Fluff and she smiles back at me.

"I'm talking about the AVNs, my friend. The goddamned Adult Video News awards. I'm talking about the fact you've been nominated in five, yes five, categories. You're going out in a blaze of glory, Bunny."

A smile creeps across my face. Though I've decided to retire, it's pretty awesome to know I'm going out on top. Literally.

"That's cool." I glance at Bella and wonder what the hell she'll think when I tell her the news. Should I even say anything? I wonder if I can just disappear to Vegas for a few days without letting her know why I'm going.

Because what self-respecting pretend-girlfriend would be pleased her pretend-boyfriend is getting an award for banging other women?

Fluff looks back at me, her eyes hot with desire and all thoughts of awards and nominations fly out of my head. She licks her lips and I harden instantly.

" ... so we've booked two hotel rooms on the strip. Alice wants to know if Bella wants to go shopping for an outfit." I only half take in what Jasper is saying.

"What?"

Jasper slows his voice, and I can tell he's getting annoyed with my lack of attention. "Jasper and Alice want to know what Bella is taking to wear in Vegas. Does she need some help picking outfits? We're thinking gold lame and sequins."

Shit, fuck. Buggery bollocks. Bella stares up at me when she hears Jasper say her name, and I realize there's no getting out of this one.

She's staring at me with her lips slightly open, all swollen and lovely and begging to be kissed. I lean forward and brush mine against her, a soft, barely-there kiss that makes my heart beat faster and all the breath rush out of her mouth. I stare at her, trying to will everything to be okay. In spite of everything—my poorly thought out career choices, my mad excuse for a family, and the terrible impression I've made on hers-for some reason this girl still seems to like me. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.

So I push my luck a little more when I grin widely and say the words every girl wants to hear.

"Do you fancy a trip to Vegas, baby?"

A/N Thanks to A-Jasper-For-Me and Grnidgirl for all their help polishing our words. And to you for reading, reviewing and pimping. You all deserve a ride in Charlie's wheelchair (on Bunny's lap of course).

A quick warning that updates may be slow over the next couple of weeks. Real life has reared it's ugly head but we're fighting it with a 12 inch sword. Thanks Bunny.

See you next time, Sparrow and Choc xx