Chapter 25
A/N: TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter deals heavily with depression and suicide. Please be warned. If this is a trigger for you, please do not read. Entertainment is one thing but your health is WAY MORE IMPORTANT.
Daryl woke up the next morning to the very rare thing that had come to exist in his and Beth's life together. Silence. Just the soft adorable sighs from his beautiful wife-to-be. He looked at the sky through the high windows in the dorm. It looked like it was just prior to dawn. Judy would be waking up soon. Since she went to bed relatively early, she was also an early riser.
He reached up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and moved his hand to her hip where the sheet had ridden down in her sleep. She was a very restless sleeper, his Beth. He placed his hand against her skin, feeling the warmth and wanting to curl his arms around her and sleep on and off all day. Maybe a little love-making thrown in here and there. Maybe a lot, he thought, as he felt his dick coming awake or maybe it was him coming awake enough to be aware of it. He didn't know. All he knew was that he wanted her. He stroked his thumb against her hip, dipping into the hollow just above the waistband of those damned black silk panties and felt her stir and he grinned as he leaned over her and pressed soft, open-mouthed kisses to the side of her neck.
Beth stretched from beside him, slightly beneath him and arched her back and he heard a moan from deep in her throat as he kissed his way down her neck, moving back up her jaw-line, licking and teasing as he went, before finally sealing his lips over hers and found her mouth already open and waiting as she turned towards him and wound her arms around him and tangled her fingers in his hair, the pressure on the back of his head insistent, welcome. His dick was pulsating with the need to bury himself inside of her.
Her breathing was coming faster as he moved his fingers lower, into the waistband of her panties, really wanting to just rip them off her and have his way but loving this song and dance that had become their lovemaking routine just the same. Beth had thrown her head back as he had just skimmed his fingers over the top of her sex.
"Momma?" There was a jiggle of the doorknob to their room and then it was suddenly flung open, Mika carrying Judith into the room.
Daryl groaned and collapsed against Beth's chest as she laughed uncontrollably. Cock-blocked by his own daughter, he thought and that was the most sobering thought he could have ever had.
The way his brain worked here lately, since he had been with Beth, sometimes astounded him and sometimes it made perfect sense. Right now it was the latter and he didn't know why he had been too stubborn to acknowledge it before. He gathered his composure, what dignity he had left and sat up, careful to keep him and Beth covered up. Though their clothing was modest, their appearance most definitely wasn't and he didn't want to scar the girls for life.
"Come 'ere, Mika and bring Judy over here." Daryl said and the little girl happily complied, bouncing Judith on her hip and the littlest girl tumbled onto the bed as they both reached it.
Beth laughed at the impossibility of the situation. It was a great way to wake up but she almost felt sorry for Daryl leaving him like that. She grinned in his direction, watching as he took Judith into his arms and made room for Mika beside him, putting his arm around her. She would continually be amazed at this man the way he surprised her every day.
"You ain't had an easy time 'o things, have you Mika?" Daryl looked down at her and she looked back up at him, her brown eyes, trusting and curious.
She nodded her head. "Yeah, I guess. But it's been hard on all of us. 'Specially Carol," she responded looking to Beth who nodded at her reassuringly.
"She'll be okay, sweetheart," Beth said to her, moving closer so she could put an arm around the little girl, letting her know that it was okay to talk about her feelings but wanting to reassure her at the same time. It was a precarious situation to be in to not be able to give your children the assurances that everything would be okay and mean it with any relative certainty.
Daryl looked over at Beth and she looked at him quizzically and he took a deep breath then and she could tell he was struggling with something, much like he had when he had been trying to tell her he loved her, like he had been trying to tell her that she was what changed his mind. That she, Beth Greene, had changed Daryl Dixon's way of thinking.
"I didn't have it easy either, when I was your age, believe it or not," Daryl fought the urge to look away from them, his family, while he laid his heart wide open. "I was thinking, if you want, and you don't havta, but I know you call Beth Momma. And you like that right? Because she is your momma now." He looked down at the little girl who was looking up at him intently and he saw her register what he was saying in her face. She smiled brightly at him.
"Kinda like you're my Daddy, Daryl." Mika said. "But if you don't want me to call you that, I won't." She said and looked down at her hands in her lap.
Judith was babbling from beside them and Lucky was lazing by the bed, like he always was. "That's what I was tryin' to say, darlin'. That if you want to, ya can." He looked at her and she just leaned in and grabbed him around the waist. He met Beth's eyes over Mika's head and her eyes were bright with tears.
"Daryl Dixon, you amaze me," she said the tears falling freely now and for the life of him, he'd never get women and the way their tears came on in the most unlikely moments, but it was her, it was Beth and he couldn't fault her for it.
"Thanks, Daryl, or Daddy," Mika looked up at him again and said in the sweetest voice, "maybe I can call you Daddy Daryl? It kinda sounds right." She said and he grinned at her and placed a kiss on the top of her head and then Judith's head as well.
"Darlin, you can call me whatever you want. That was kinda the point 'o this conversation." He said. "Now ladies, if you'll excuse me, I don't get to laze about in bed all day. A man's gotta get his work done." He looked at Beth and moved off the bed quickly, narrowly missing her swatting his ass for his smart remark, spouting women's rights and liberal times and the fact that none of it mattered since it was the end of the freaking world. He chuckled at her as he pulled on his pants and boots and turned back around, bending to kiss all his girls on the head before leaving the room. He wanted to go check on Rick and Carl and see what needed to be done today before the day got away from them as it usually did.
"Bye, Daddy Daryl," Mika called out.
"Ba-ba-ba-ba," Judith called out, clearly mimicking Mika.
"Yeah, Bye Daddy," Beth said and he turned to look at her, watching her give him that saucy little grin of hers. Daddy indeed, he thought as he walked out the door, shaking his head and thinking with a smirk that he was going to have to make sure she paid for that remark later.
Beth settled the girls in with Rin while she went up to check on Carol. She decided to stop by on her way to the commons first and see if she was even up to eating. She walked the steps, thinking that Carol was lucky that they were all so willing to come and check on her all the time like this. Any other community would just ignore her and she'd waste away to nothing. It made Beth think all of the sudden of her brief descent into deep depression before she had tried to end her life. It wasn't the first time that she had thought this, but new realization dawned on her that they were doing the worst thing possible; they were enabling her behavior. As Beth reached the top of the steps and stood outside Carol's door, she knocked with a firm determination before twisting the doorknob. It only entered her mind after she opened the door to pull out her knife but by then it would have been too late anyway. Carol was curled up in her bed and Beth stalked over to her and shook her awake. The more she thought about it, the more incensed she became at Carol's lack of concern for her family members and the fact that she had abandoned Mika when she needed her the most.
"Wake up, we need to talk," Beth sat down on the bed beside Carol, adjusting her holster to allow her knife clearance of the mattress.
Carol moved back a ways and propped herself on the headboard and it was more than Beth had hoped for.
"You're going to leave this room today and you're going to get back out there. Or not. The choice is yours. But I'm done coming up here and checking on you.," She looked at Carol and tried not to see the broken woman that she was in order to get out what needed to be said. Because if didn't say it, she was afraid the woman was going to slip right on over that ledge she was hanging off right now.
Carol looked at her with unwavering resolve and stoicism.
"I'm not playin' Carol and I'll make sure no one else comes up here either. You're in here day in and day out. You don't eat. You don't get up. You're wasting away. In case you didn't get the memo, the world fuckin' ended," Carol looked up at her sharply and her response, spurred her on. "And you don't get to just lay here and pretend like it doesn't matter. That we don't matter just because the goin' got a little bit tough. We've all had bad stuff happen. Don't mean we give up. Unless that's what you want. But I'm not going to help you get there slowly. You either wanna die or you wanna live. You don't get to be in limbo." She looked at Carol then who nodded her head so she sat back letting what she had said really sink in.
She knew she had been hard on her and she felt bad for it, but it was necessary to bring her out of it. Everyone had been mad at Andrea for doing what she did when she was at the end of her rope like this. But honestly Andrea had been right. Beth had made her choice. Now it was time for Carol to make hers. She got up to walk to the door and paused before opening it to give Carol time to speak if that's what she wanted. Beth shook her head sadly and opened the door, walking through it and closing it behind her, feeling like she had just closed a door on her heart. She and Carol had always been close before and she hated that there was this deep chasm between them. But in the end, Beth knew that she had to trust that their bond was strong enough.
She went downstairs and retrieved the girls and she and Rin met Austin for breakfast. She checked in on Carl and saw that he was still sleeping. A kid about 15, Kyle she thought was his name, was keeping watch over him, just in case. Beth hated to think in those terms but it was what had to be done, making sure no one died. Making sure no one turned, starting over the nightmare that had made them so cautious in the first place.
She headed back up the hill to the dorm and as she approached the door again, she pulled her Busse out of the sheath, just in case Carol had found some means of doing just what Beth had implied. When Beth eased the door open, she was infinitely relieved to find that Carol was sitting cross-legged on the bed, as if she were waiting for Beth to return.
Beth smiled at her softly and Carol began to cry. Beth didn't waste time in re-sheathing her knife and sitting down beside the woman and pulling her against her shoulder, just letting her cry.
After a while, the sobs settled down to sniffles and Carol sat back up and looked at Beth warily. "I lost her. I lost my Sophia. And then everything happened and then I was in charge of Mika and Lizzie and I hated that I had to do it but Lizzie was definitely my fault. I managed to get both of them killed, either directly or indirectly. "
"You got Judith. You kept her alive," Carol shook her head and Beth nodded emphatically, patting Carol's leg. "You did," she insisted, her voice soft but firm. "You brought her back here and gave her to me and then last night, I got to give her to her Daddy," Beth looked at Carol who suddenly looked terrified.
"It's okay, Carol. A lot has happened since the prison. I don't think anyone understands why you did what you did. But you had your reasons. Daddy would say we all make mistakes. Especially in this world we live in now. You did what you thought you had to do. If it's wrong, then you have to accept it as a mistake, learn from it, and move on. You can't get mired down in all the bad or else you miss out on what little bit of good there is left."
Carol looked at her thoughtfully and gave a little laugh. "You're so much like your father, Beth. Sometimes it's like he is speaking from the grave when you open your mouth." She smiled at her and reached over and squeezed Beth's hand.
"I didn't understand it," Carol began. "Not really anyway. I mean I got why you wanted to kill yourself. But even then, I wasn't strong enough. People think it's the easy way out, suicide. And I used to think that you were so weak when you did that. Now I know that it's the opposite," Carol looked at Beth and laughed mirthfully, the tears coming unbidden down her face.
Beth squeezed her hand in encouragement and Carol continued. "Now I know that you were strong all along Beth. I saw it then but I really see it now. You were strong then for knowing, even at that young age, that you weren't sure if you wanted to live in this kind of world we live in. And knowing that you could do something about it. You're strong Beth. You were born that way. I had to gain my strength. And I'm not the same woman I was when I was with Ed Peletier," She said, wiping the tears away furiously.
"That's what scares me, because I am strong enough now. And you gave me a lot to think about earlier. I do want to live but I don't know how." Carol said, looking at Beth, imploring her to understand.
"You do it by getting up out of this bed. And joining the living." Beth smiled at her gently.
"But what about Rick?" Carol looked like she knew her arguments were wearing thin now.
"Honestly I think Rick isn't even thinking about it right now. So much has happened. It was real bad on them out on the road. They haven't said yet, but I get the feelin' I don't wanna know." Beth looked at her then. She didn't tell her about Carl getting hurt. She didn't want to completely overwhelm her, just tried to give her the essential pieces so she could make a sound decision. "You just gotta get up out of this bed, Carol. And come back to us. Or else you're no better than one of them." Beth gestured to the window and she knew Carol understood that she wasn't talking about the people that they lived with but rather the ones that roamed outside the fences of the zoo, the dead ones that walked about seeking to devour whatever flesh they could find.
Carol hugged Beth to her side then. "And there's one more thing Carol." Beth pulled away to look at Carol again.
"What's that, Beth?" Carol asked her.
"Take a damn shower, because, no offense. You stink!" Beth leaned away as Carol swatted at her arm and then turned to Beth, looking serious. "Thank you, sweetie. Love you."
Beth felt her own eyes fill with tears at the older woman's tenderness. "Love you too. And I'd like to think you'd do the same for me." Beth smiled at her and Carol smiled back.
Beth left there with promises to see Carol at suppertime at the commons. In the meantime, Beth set out to find Rick and see if she could smooth the situation over for Carol. She didn't think she had anything to worry about but she had to make certain.
On her way down, she passed Daryl coming back up the hill towards their apartment. Rin had Judith and Mika waiting down at the commons for lunch.
"There you are," He said, scooping her up in his arms and off of her feet, pressing his lips to hers.
Beth would never get used to moments like this. Daryl making grand gestures and surprising her at every turn. She pulled away as he let her slide back down to the ground, planting her feet firmly on the ground even if it felt like her head was still somewhere up in the clouds with his kisses.
"What you did this mornin' was amazin', Daryl." She remarked as she stood there, hands between them, her fingers splayed out over his chest.
Daryl looked down at her, "That little girl has been through too much. Seen too much sadness. I ain't gonna be the one to stand in the way of her happiness. If callin' me that is what makes her happy, then so be it. 'Sides, I guess I am sorta her dad." He shrugged his shoulders noncommittally and Beth's heart constricted at the movement. Always with his doubt that made her heart ache in ways she never thought possible.
"Daryl, 'course you are. You provide for her, for me, have for Judy til her Daddy came back. You keep us safe. Make sure we have what we need. You tuck her in at night. And Daryl, I seen the way you are with her. You love her, much as I do." Beth finished, looking at him softly waiting for him to come to terms with what she was saying in his own way, as he always did.
Daryl looked at the sidewalk and back at Beth again and she saw the pain there. "I see so much of myself in her. She's broken in a way. And I hate it. I want to put that smile back on her face. I want to make her world safe again. The way my old man never could make it for me. I just hope I can be half the man you want me to be. A good husband, good father to Mika, good father to our kids should it ever come to pass." Daryl looked at her pointedly then.
Beth stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his firmly, putting her arms all the way around his waist. "You are already the man you were supposed to be. I'm just here for the ride, baby," she said finally. "You're going to be a great father, even if it's only Mika that calls you Daddy. Or Daddy Daryl," They both chuckled. The reality of it was that though Beth wanted kids more than anything in the world, to have a little piece of her and him to hold and to love, it just wasn't practical. Not right now anyway. For now, she would pour all her love into Mika and Judith.
"Just because Rick's back don't mean Judy isn't gonna need you. That little girl loves you." She looked at him and he nodded thoughtfully and nodded back up to the hill.
"What about Carol? What are we gonna do about her and Rick?" Daryl winced thinking of the showdown that was likely to occur.
"Yeah that reminds me, I think I finally got through to her. To Carol. She's coming to supper." Beth beamed up at him, giving him her blinding smile. The one that never failed to steal his breath.
"Really? And how did ya manage that?" He said, taking her hand as they walked back down the hill together towards the commons, towards the rest of their family.
"You know me, I'm stubborn when I set my mind to something." Beth said looking at him sideways and watching him chuckle softly.
"Don't I know it, woman." He laughed outright then and she loved when he did that. "I love you, Beth." He said suddenly and it stole the air right from her lungs, him saying it so casually, as they walked along, and yet with such intensity.
"I love you too, baby," she smiled at him. "You sure are in a good mood, today," She remarked, looking at him sideways as they made their way around the bend, the commons now in full view.
"Sure I am. It's good to have Rick and 'em back with us again." He looked at Beth and she smiled back. She knew the relationship that he and Rick had was special.
They heard a sudden shouting and crying coming from the back of the commons where Carl was recuperating. Daryl's blood iced over in that moment and he hoisted his bow up at the ready, he and Beth making a run to find the source of the sound.
Beth's heart was gripped with nearly paralyzing fear at what they were going to find when they reached the make-shift hospital room. From the sounds of it, someone was crying like they were wounded. She hoped and prayed that Carl was okay and he wasn't…wasn't. She couldn't finish the thought, not able to think about what the screams could mean.
They rounded the corner and stood in the doorway, watching as a very exasperated Bob stood over Carl who was clutching Judith to him and sobbing. "You're alive. Judy, you're alive." He sobbed into her hair and Judith with her ever-calming way, just patted Carl's arm gently and leaned into him as if understanding that this was a very important moment and going along with it.
Rick stood back and watched his children reuniting and felt the tears rolling down his face and it was the lightest moment he had experienced since he and Carl had hobbled away from the prison, thinking the worst. That Judith hadn't made it and their worst fears had come to light.
Daryl walked over to Rick then and clapped his hand on his shoulder and Rick put his arm around him. Beth came and stood beside Daryl and he pulled her close. It was a tender moment for all of them. Even Bob stood back and smiled, finally seeming satisfied that Carl hadn't done any real damage with his emotional outburst.
Daryl looked around at the lot of them, this group he had come to love so much. They were back together again. Their family was together and it was important to celebrate these moments. The way the world was now, it wasn't so much of the last man standing anymore. It was who was standing together at the end of the day. He looked over at Beth and met her lips in a soft kiss. For now, Daryl reveled in the perfect moment. They didn't happen often so for right now, he was going to bask in the fact that he had this. His family was all back together. It was more than he ever hoped for. It was all that mattered.
Guys, I can't believe this story is at chapter 25 already! Thanks for your continued support and reading, reccing and reviewing, favoriting and following this fic. You will never know what crack it is when I open my email box every morning to all the new notifications. Yes, you are supplying an addict. ;)
So a HUGE shout-out goes out to jazznsmoke for kicking my butt in high gear and getting me to write this update. Also for helping me out with some of the details on how best to help Carol. So I had Beth to channel her inner Hershel. I hope it worked okay. :) Thanks girl, I couldn't have gotten this chapter out without your help.
And lest you worry that things are all tied up in a neat little bow and this story is ending (just like Vanilla Fields) I've got a couple more things in my outline that do not include the wedding. That's ALL I'm gonna say. Hope you liked this update. Where the last chapter was all about action, this one was all about dialogue. Hope I came close to your expectations at least. Thanks so much and until next time, xoxoxoxoxoxo
PS - Let me know if any of you are interested in a story (an AU) that involves Daryl being an escort for a service (he has his reasons, believe me and for a change it has nothing to do with Merle) and Beth needing to find a date for an important event in her life. I have one in the words and it's going to be pretty intricate as far as plot lines go but I think it could be interesting. Let me know! :)