(a/n) - i guess everybody likes nerima omakes better than my other original ones. sad :(
on the other hand i was running out of original ideas for a slice of life anyhow. yay?
anyhow, for all that i was dreading this, it was remarkably fun to write. beware of info dumps. i tried to space it out as much as i could. more notes at the bottom
Emiya Clan - Nerima 06
"Welcome to the Nekohan- ...urk!"
Shirou held the door open as Akitsu walked past him, then turned to smile at the white-robed greeter. Mousse, for once, had his glasses on and was staring nervously at the ice woman as she entered the café proper.
"Hello," Shirou said warmly, drawing the boy's attention back to himself. "I would like to speak with the proprietor of this fine establishment."
Mousse grimaced, "Ah, she is-"
"She is available," interrupted a gravelly voice. Shirou and Akitsu both turned to regard the Elder, balanced at eye-level atop her walking stick. "Close the store again, Idiot Boy," she ordered, keeping her eyes focused on Shirou's. She tilted her head, inviting the two further in as she spun around and pogo'd towards a nearby table. "Shampoo!" she called out, taking a seat nearby.
Shirou felt Akitsu stiffen at the mention of the girl's name. He reached back to still her hand with his own, then led her to the table occupied by the owner. After they each took a seat, they joined Cologne in waiting for her great-granddaughter to come out from the back rooms.
"I'm taking the liberty of assuming you require her presence for this discussion," the Elder explained.
"That would be the case," Shirou replied neutrally. "I appreciate your foresight."
Nothing more was said in the short period it took for Shampoo to enter the room. Like Mousse, she broke step slightly as she noticed Akitsu's presence, but otherwise made no other reaction as she stepped up to the table. Stopped beside her chair, she bowed formally to her ancestor. "Great-Grandmother, Shampoo come as requested."
The Elder nodded, "Have a seat, Great-Granddaughter."
She did.
Cologne finally turned her full attention to the man before her. "You have questions," she said bluntly.
Shirou narrowed his eyes as he regarded the woman before him. She was easily the one of the oldest persons he'd ever seen. Though her body was frail, her casual balancing on her gnarled staff suggested great dexterity and control. In addition, he picked up the strong scent of spring water and forests from her, indicating she possessed a mastery of magical energies, not just life energies. The little byplay left no doubt in his mind that she knew exactly why he had come, whether she knew who he was was another matter entirely, but he made a note to be on his guard around this woman.
He smiled tightly and acknowledged her statement with a stiff nod. "I come seeking answers," he clarified subtly. "But where are my manners? I am Emiya Shirou, a humble repairman." He held up Akitsu's hand between his own, the very image of a doting husband. "This would be my lovely wife, Akitsu."
Akitsu kept her stare locked on Shampoo, but blushed slightly at his introduction. "A pleasure," she said softly.
Cologne's eyes were twinkling in amusement as she acknowledged his words. "I am Cologne, a humble proprietor of this simple ramen shop, the Nekohanten. I believe you are familiar with my Great-Granddaughter, my heir, Shampoo."
"We've met," Shirou said. He knew she didn't believe one piece of his backstory, though it was completely true. Much the same way he knew her introduction was completely factual as well, though equally lacking in useful information. He lowered his and his wife's hands below the table again, but kept her hand in his own.
"I've come to address a concern I have regarding a certain incident that occurred on these premises not a few hours ago."
Cologne inclined her head politely, "The Nekohanten does not wish our customers to be displeased with our services. Please let us know the nature of your concern."
"My daughter was assaulted." His smile was the same, but his eyes hardened fractionally as he turned to their fourth member. "By your great-granddaughter."
He felt the air temperature drop dramatically and he squeezed Akitsu's hand in warning. It was several seconds before she got herself under control and let it warm up again.
Cologne did not look perturbed, in fact she looked faintly relieved she would not have to maintain this air of civility. "Your daughter," she said carefully, "challenged a fully-trained Warrior of the Joketsuzoku to honorable combat."
"What was the nature of this challenge?" Shirou said, maintaining his own calm expression and tone.
"If you can manage to keep your woman under control for the next few minutes, I will attempt to explain." Cologne made no secret of the contempt she felt for a woman who allowed herself to be controlled by a man. Her eyes twinkled merrily as Akitsu's glare shifted from Shampoo to herself.
"The Joketsuzoku are an ancient and honorable tribe that goes back well into the millennia. We are small in numbers and beset from all sides by various other factions and powers. To help keep our people strong, we have several binding laws."
She raised one gnarled finger. "The first is the Law of Secrecy; we cannot afford to let our tribe's secrets and techniques fall into enemy hands. There are various penalties for spies, traitors, the usual riff-raff. Furthermore, if a warrior from outside our tribe should defeat one of our numbers in honorable combat, they are left with two choices. She will be given the choice to join the tribe as an Honored Sister and learn our ways, but she will be bound by all of our laws as well. If she refuses to join our tribe, she is then an enemy who has witnessed our secrets and will be put to death at any cost."
"She." Shirou jumped at the pronoun. "Not all warriors are female, no matter how much you wish that fact to be true."
Cologne conceded the point with another nod. "That would bring me to the second of our laws, the Law of Expansion; we are an tribe isolated from the world by choice. Our community is naturally a small one and within several generations we are unable to be self-sustaining. We require new blood."
"The Honored Sisters."
"Indeed, that is one way can acquire new warriors and techniques directly. Still, as much as we dislike the notion, we require our males as well." There was a sudden blur of motion, nearly too fast for Shirou to see, and the door-guard yelped in pain as a chopstick bounced off the crown of his head. "Watch the door, Idiot Boy!," the Elder snarled. "This conversation is not meant for you!"
"As you can see, even for a village of warriors, our males tend to be clumsy and useless."
Shirou nodded, though he really didn't see it...
"There are times when we send out our warriors. They travel across the land, looking for promising males. Males that are good breeding stock. Males that will work hard in the fields. Occasionally, we find something even better; a male that is a strong warrior themselves. Even if they never train up to our standards, they ensure very healthy offspring, and the tribe will prosper."
Cologne threw a glance at her silent relative as she continued. "On the very rare occasion, we find a male capable of besting a Sister in honorable combat. At that time it becomes imperative that we stake a claim on that individual and bring him back to the tribe."
Shirou was silent for a few moments as he ran it all through his mind. The very presence of the Joketsuzoku - a Chinese tribe - in Japan, the presence of a tribal Elder, and their combined fixation on a certain chaotic martial artist...
"Saotome was in China."
Score one for the male, he wasn't completely clueless. "You are correct. Ranma Saotome displayed a level of skill not seen outside our village for centuries. My daughter has laid her claim, one our people will back fully. She will return to our village with the boy, or not at all."
Again, Shirou was silent for a few moments. Finally he looked at the younger girl directly, "You don't seem to have made much headway in your goal. You certainly have not managed to impress your claim on the rest of his... admirers."
Shampoo glared back at him, carefully avoiding Akitsu's eye.
"The situation is more complicated than we had anticipated. This is true," the Matriarch admitted. "The boy is strong enough and stubborn enough that a direct confrontation is not feasible. The force required to subdue him would also damage him so much it would make him useless for our purposes. He also has a great deal of emotional ties to this area as well, my great-granddaughter has been unable to convince him on the emotional level thus far.
"The only option left available to us," the old woman's eyes narrowed, "is to take out the competition."
"The other fiancées," Shirou bit out harshly.
"They are merely obstacles to our goals," Cologne said, equally hard. "To a Warrior of the Joketsuzoku, an obstacle is to be overcome, to be eliminated..."
She turned her gaze on Akitsu, "... to be killed."
The air flash froze in a heartbeat. Shirou all but pulled Akitsu into his lap to control her, holding down her arms with his own as icicles formed in the air around the table, ready to impale their targets. Shampoo was half out of her seat, ready to spring away from ground zero at a moment's notice.
The Emiya patriarch turned to glare at his opposite number. Cologne was still casually perched on her walking stick, looking relaxed and amused at the demonstration. Her casual dismissal of the threat incensed the normally passive Sekirei even further, and it was a long minute before she finally calmed down enough to dissolve her attack.
"I know what you will ask of me next," the Elder said evenly. "This area attracts fighters like locusts to a cropfield. All the obstacles here are battle-hardened enough to be able to hold their own against my great-granddaughter. Unfortunately she cannot defeat them before the altercation attracts more combatants. With two exceptions: the Tendou girl is one, but she is under the direct protection of the boy, else she would be the first to fall. Your daughter is the other."
She finally addressed Akitsu directly. "Your control of your element is very impressive, my dear. But like your daughter, you have no skill in the martial arts. Should your magic be compromised you would not survive a single assault from one of my Sisters in Battle. For an Elder such as myself it would be child's play to to evade you long enough to strike mortal blow. You are not a warrior."
"Enough," Shirou's voice was cutting. "While I admit Koyuki is not the most physical of combatants, that does not give you leave to insult her or my wife."
"On the contrary," came the retort. "When a woman requires the protection of a male to safeguard herself, it is an insult to Joketsuzoku everywhere."
"Welcome to Japan," Shirou said, abandoning all pretense of civility. "That aside, you told a very fascinating story and I'm sure I've learned much from it, but it still doesn't answer why my daughter was used as a punching bag."
"Your daughter, weak as she was, had the gall to challenge my great-granddaughter to the Rite of Equals."
"Let me guess, it involves 'Honorable Combat'."
"Indeed. As I may have mentioned before, the Joketsuzoku are often in shortage of available breeding stock. It is not common, but neither is it unheard of for a single male to be shared amongst various warriors. Such benefits are only available to Sisters of the tribe, for obvious reasons."
At this Shirou could only gape. "... She tried to join the Joketsuzoku?"
"If she were to achieve the status of an equal - a Sister in Battle - then by our customs it would be possible for her to share the boy, though that would depend on my great-granddaughter's charity once she achieves her claim."
Shirou's head fell into his hands and he groaned. "She wants to re-challenge you," he said, his voice muffled.
"I commend her spirit, if not her abilities," Cologne said. "However, this is the only way the Joketsuzoku would possibly allow her own claim on the boy. Any further attempts to claim him for herself will be met with deadly force. This is also why my great-granddaughter punished her so severely."
Shirou's head lifted slightly. "Excuse me?"
Shampoo sniffed, "It not right for New-Girl to kiss airen. Shampoo only allowed." She suddenly jumped back as a short-sword embedded itself in the table between her arms. "Wha- Mousse?"
"Whatever it was, I didn't do it!" came the shouted reply.
Cologne had been on the verge of throwing another chopstick at the boy, but narrowed her eyes at Shirou, head still mostly down, hands flat on the table. "Mr. Emiya..."
"You broke my daughter's arm, dislocated her shoulder, cracked her ribs, and gave her a concussion... because you were jealous?" His voice was ice cold.
"Shirou Emiya," Cologne's own tone was deathly quiet. "I will not have you raise a hand against myself or my great-granddaughter. If you, a male, wish to challenge us to honorable combat, we will of course accept." She turned her glare on Akitsu. "However, I see you clearly have a family of your own, so there will be no possibility of you joining our tribe. That leaves only one option for you."
Shirou shook his head, "I assure you there will be no 'honorable combat' between us. I also promise you I will not raise my hand against you this day." He tilted his head down, "Look, my hands are still right here."
Cologne broke her glare for a brief moment to ensure, yes his hands were flat on the table. His arms not tensed for sudden movement. And then she had to throw her head back as another sword, a claymore dropped down in front of her as well. "What in blazes?"
"I do not suffer threats against my family lightly," Shirou said quietly. A falchion dropped where Shampoo's hand would have been, had she not pulled it back with a yelp.
"If Koyuki decides to challenge you again, I will allow her to do so. She is old enough to be making such decisions on her own." He said that as much for Akitsu's hearing as the Joketsuzoku's, while another three blades thunked down on the chairs opposite them. Shampoo and Cologne had long since abandoned their seats for the open space of the restaurant floor.
Akitsu was still for a moment, but she grudgingly nodded.
"Shirou Emiya!" Cologne hissed, "I do not know what tricks you are playing, but cease this at once!"
Shirou remained seated, his hands still in plain sight. "This is a warning for you..."
A broadsword dropped in in front of Shampoo as she backflipped out of the way.
"I honestly do not care what happens to the rest of the fiancées, but you will only harm my daughter as far as it takes to determine a combat victory, and no more."
Another flurry of throwing daggers avoided as the cat girl spun into a cartwheel.
"There will be no punishing."
A spear shot out at an angle, forcing her to duck as it embedded itself in the wall behind her.
"There will be no poisoning."
A cloud of blades flew at her from all directions. She evaded them skillfully but her clothing bore new tears and rips for her efforts.
"And when my daughter finally beats the snot out of you, you will allow her to be with her Ashikabi if he so chooses."
A pair of swords chained at the hilts tripped her up as they flew past, when she slammed into the floor she was outlined by a series of wicked-looking crescent swords.
"Know this: she is giving you the chance to be with the boy out of the goodness of her heart - not the other way around. If she really wanted to, she'd ask her family to help her out. Together we could steal him from you or your tribe without even breaking a sweat."
Shirou finally rose from the table, looking at the Elder holding herself rigidly so as not to impale herself on the dozen or so blades sticking out of the floor, from the ceiling, and from the counter she had tried to take cover behind in order to recover her equilibrium. She glared back furiously as Akitsu rose to take her position beside him.
"Elder Cologne, thank you for your hospitality," he said, in control of his voice once more. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a wad of high-denomination bills, laying them on the table. "I apologize for the mess; this should take care of the property damage and lost income while you fix up."
He made his way to the door and held it open for his lady, turning back to the interior once more. "Next time I'm around, I hope I get the chance to sample your menu."
As Akitsu passed him, he saw the frozen popsicle Mousse had been turned into - again. He shook his head ruefully and made his way outside himself.
"Good day," he said as he closed the door.
Back at the Emiya Mansion's infirmary, Koyuki smiled softly.
"What's up?" asked her sister. Karin was seemingly engrossed with her tablet PC, but that didn't stop her from keeping a close eye on the bedridden bluenette.
"I do not know," came the quiet reply. "It felt like something very pleasing had just happened in the world..."
Karin blinked for a moment, then shrugged and returned to her browsing.
"Sounds nice."
(a/n continued) - so yeah, going from disgustingly civil, to barely cordial, to antagonistic, to flipping out and killing everyb-(REAL ULTIMATE POWER!) - i mean, sword-chucking...fun
i probably should have had shampoo saying more in that discussion, but trying to do an info dump in her broken speech is... headache inducing.