I'm dedicating this story to Hawke 1234321. I don't know if she will be reading this, but she sent me a review a couple of months ago and it gave me the kick up the arse I needed. She inspired me :D
Oh BTW, a lot of people have been asking me why I speak like an American on this, but I'm English in real life. WELL, this IS SET IN AMERICA! THE GIRL IS AMERICAN! In real life I actually have a real British accent, oh lardydah.
BLAKE
I sat in my physio's office; Gerard was next to me, holding my hand.
"Yes, I have been discussing the possibilities of surgery on you with your doctor and we have both agreed you are a prime candidate. Due to the fact the damage with is causing your problem is so mild, we believe this reconstruction will allow you to make significant progress in just weeks after you surgery. Walking will be a definite possibility in the very near future if you have it done."
"But how quickly?" I asked urgently.
"In a matter of 3 months perhaps, we can have you walking again. You will have to come to physiotherapy until you can though. This won't be a quick fix, it will just get you a lot closer."
"And when would I be able to have it done?"
"As soon as possible, after the Christmas holidays perhaps." I nodded whilst taking in all the information. I was so glad Gerard was here with me to help me decipher through all of this.
"What are the risks associated with this procedure?" Gerard asked confidently. I looked up, I hadn't thought of that.
"Well, obviously any surgery on the nervous system in very risky and if it went badly you can remain paralysed forever, but the likelihood of that happening is very small. You have a team of very capable doctors willing to operate on you. I definitely consider this option."
"I want to have it done." I said looking between the doctor and Gerard.
"and I want it done soon as possible. Soon as the holidays are over infact."
"are you sure about this?" Gerard turned and looked at me.
"Yes. I'm sick of all this hard work leading to nowhere." The doctor nodded and told me I'd have to organise the rest with the insurers and my doctor.
"I'm really glad for you Blake, I'll see you after the holidays." After that Gerard and I left. I wave of euphoria hit me soon as I left the office.
"I can't believe this Gerard!" I turned to him, smiling. He was baring his teeth too as he wheeled me down the cold December streets.
"I know, it's fantastic. Just imagine, you could go back to art school!" He sounded enthused. I wasn't so happy about going back to art school, it felt like something I once loved, but not anymore. I wanted to go to college; I knew I had good enough grades to go to a lot of places. I just felt like art was a dying passion. You don't really care about that, do you? I know what you care about. What the hell is happening between Gee and I. Well at this stage I had no idea.
As I sat in the car next to his, I watched his hands direct the steering wheel, the way he allowed it to slide beneath his grip. God, I wanted to touch those hands so bad. Then there were his arms, they were creamy expanses of muscular hugging machines. And his firm chest and his lips.
I needed to stop thinking about him like that, I was getting worried that nothing would ever happen between us and then nothing would ever happen for me. I'd die a lonely spinster if I continued to be in love with him.
"Why are you staring at me?" What the fuck? How did he know? His eyes were firmly still on the roads.
"Umm, you have something on your face." I lied.
"What? You let me go in your physiotherapists with something on my face?" He said, looking at me briefly before looking to the road.
"Sorry, it was really funny. That's why she kept staring at you." I continued to lie.
"Darn and I just thought she liked me." He laughed, "Can you get it off?" He leaned his head closer to me, eyes still fixed on the road. What the hell was I supposed to do? So I just leaned forward and wiped his face with the cuff of my sleeve, pretending I was trying to get a mark of.
"Hmm, it's not coming of." I said.
"Blake, please stop toying with me and get it off." I felt nervous inside from just touching him so I gently kissed the side of my thumb, so it was slightly wet and 'rubbed the mark of.'
"All gone."
"Thank you, despite the fact that you didn't tell me in time to save me from embarrassment."
I laughed nervously before looking away, my fingers shaking.
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go
We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When you were young
And sometimes you close your eyes
and see the place where you used to live
When you were young
They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
(He talks like a gentlemen, like you imagined when)
When you were young
I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know
GERARD
I could sense her staring at me as I drove. I'd felt it for a while now, but I was too embarrassed to say anything.
"Why are you staring at me?" I asked calmly, continuing to drive despite the fact that my heart was thumping inside whilst wondering of her reaction.
"Umm, you have something on your face." She replied. Oh well, that wasn't exactly what I thought she was going to say, but I could still have fun with this.
"What? You let me go in your physiotherapists with something on my face?" I faced her for a second, whilst pretending to be angry about what I just said.
"Sorry, it was really funny. That's why she kept staring at you." She giggled. My heart melted at that giggle.
"Darn and I just thought she liked me." I chuckled "Can you get it off?" I leaned my head closer to her. I felt her wipe my face with her sleeve. It wasn't her touching me, but I still shoo from the contact.
"Hmm, it's not coming of." She mumbled.
"Blake, please stop toying with me and get it off." I said desperate for her to be near me. I felt her wet flesh rub against my skin. I would normally go 'mom get off me, that's disgusting,' but this was Blake. And I liked it, even if it made it incredibly hard to drive.
"All gone."
"Thank you, despite the fact that you didn't tell me in time to save me from embarrassment."
We both chuckled awkwardly then. I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel. I was in a great mood. I couldn't help but feel great; Blake was going to get her ability to walk back and that was fantastic for her.
"You know, I don't think we should head straight home. Why don't we go out to the cinema, my treat?" I flash her a grin.
"Your treat?" She questions.
"As I said." I laugh as I stare at the road.
"Totally, we'll get pepsi, popcorn- The works!" She giggled. I just sighed and mentally tried to count the coins in my wallet.
"Yaayy." I said sarcastically. She rolled her eyes, but with an excited smile pulled down the sunblocker/mirror and started fiddling with her hair.
"We'll be in darkness." I add.
"Well, you'll know if I look good or not. So I'm getting done up for you." And with that she pulled out some lipgloss.
BLAKE
Emotions can overwhelm you very easily. In my life I've experienced this a few times, but never to the extent of what I was feeling now. I was putting makeup on, my eyes squinting as I stared into the mirror. My fingers numbly held around the small brush, I wasn't really thinking about it. I was thinking about being able to walk again and all the hard work I was going to have to do. I was thinking about these mixed up emotions I had for Gerard, I once loved him, but I couldn't any more. I had moved on. The car lurched forward and I got mascara over my cheek.
"Fuck, Gerard!" I screamed. My head turned to him, he looked surprised at my outburst. I turned to try and rub of the mark on my face but it just made my skin grey. I tried to put some concealer over it, but it wouldn't work.
"Oh fuck me life." I moaned as I starting rubbing frantically at my cheek. Lurch again.
My makeup bag fell onto the floor, scattering its contents around my dumb feet. I stared at it for a second.
"Fuck"
"Fuck"
"FUCK" I screamed, anger rushing through me. My hands screwed up around my face, I was looking for something to take my anger out on, but unable to find it I just covered my eyes. I leaned forward on the dash board and started to cry. Tears raged through me, as my body crumpled together from fatigue. My throat choked on my tears, my body shivering yet my legs staying ever still.
"Blake?"
I continued to cry for the rest of the journey. Occasionally get so angry and full of self hatred that I'd smash my fist against the car, screaming unrecognisable noises. That's what this was all about. Self hatred. I hated my body so much, I hated it giving up on me. No one could love this. This thing. I was going to be alone for ever. Lonely and unlovable for ever. I hated that I no control over my body any more and even more that I had no control over my emotions. I was frantic and erratic. And through it all I still felt this pressing feelings on my shoulders, this repression that I just couldn't break through.
I felt the car stop. I ignored it though and kept my eyes firmly shut and on the dash board. I was breathing jaggedly. My chest felt as if with every breath some monster was scratching away at my insides. My car door opened very slowly.
"Blake."
I ignored him.
"Blake, look at me." Gerard hands were entangled in the back of my head, his thumb gently stroking my neck. I stayed there for a couple of seconds. As my head turned to look at him, light hit against my hot skin. With one look I took him in. His large eyes red, his cheeks flushed and his lips quivering with uncertainty. I looked where we were. Not home for sure.
"Gerard, why aren't we home." I asked softly. I felt his grip tighten around me as he leaned in, his breath cold against me.
GERARD
Her face was burning red, her eyes darkening with every second. There's a conflict within me. A mix of despair and desperation. It rumbles inside of me like a volcano. Hot pain numbing my stomach. As my hand play with her hair, childishly, I can feel her tensing. Her eyes searching my face for emotion.
"We're celebrating." I tell her, nodding my head, a few tears rolling down my cheeks.
"Then why are you crying?" She asks so innocently. I lean closer in, so my nose almost touches her, my eyesight wobbles as I stare into her eyes.
"Because you're making it very hard for me to celebrate." I laugh, forcing a smile onto my face. I have that feeling in my face, when it's tingling and sort of stretched. The feeling you get when you're trying to conceal tears.
"Oh." She murmurs. Her hot sticky voice swimming around my ears. She lifts her hand up to my cheek and with a thumb wipes a tear from my face. We stare at each other as if there a secret being unfolded. It feels like that touch just broke the invisible barrier between the two of us. I remove my hand from the back of her hair. She looks down after a couple of moments. Her eyes flick up again, to meet my steady gaze. She shrugs nonchalantly, the movement so small and timid. She looks to the open door and then back at me.
"I'm scared of being alone." She whispers, her voice breaking with tears. "Gerard, I'm... I'm so bloody scared." Her voice shakes with her sobs. Her face tilts downwards in embarrassment. I take my index fingers and rest it underneath her chin, before drawing her chin upwards so our eyes meet one last time.
"You're not alone." I laugh. Another tear rolls down her cheek and as it descends, I lean forward and kiss the snail like trail it left on her skin. As I lean backwards her eyes are wide. I take one of her hands and kiss it, my head resting on it for a few moments.
"Thank you." She sniffles and her head leans down and her chin rests on head, her body raps around mine.
BLAKE
We didn't go to the cinema, but decided to return home. The car ride was silent as we both thought of the events that just occurred. As well pulled outside of Gee's house I saw a waiting next to it, I looked up to the drive and saw my mom. Gerard was already out of the car getting me out.
"Gee. Stop it." I snapped as he put me in his wheelchair.
"Because?" I pointed to the door in response. My mom obviously hadn't noticed us yet and was simple standing there.
"And that is?"
"My mom!" With that Gerard bit his lip but carried on pushing me up to the house.
"Umm, hello?" Gerard said loudly. My mom turned around and looked between us.
"Oh darling, I heard what happened to you and I just felt terrible. I've came to see you." She wailed. I rolled my eyes.
"Did you ever think I might not want to see you?" I snarled.
"Hey, don't be so rude." Gerard scorned me. My mom stood silently as Gerard put his key in the front door and opened it.
"Would you like to come in?" He asked my mom. She nodded and followed us in. Soon as I entered I mentally shuddered. The house was a mess, clothes lying about everywhere. Takeout boxes. Empty coffee mugs. Gerard left me to wheel my way into the living room and started running around trying to tidy up. My mother followed me, I could see her looking around earnestly.
"Sit down." I told her, she looked at the sofa reprehensively before doing so.
"Do you want a cup of coffee?" Gerard shouted from the question. She shook her head.
"She doesn't." I shouted back.
"Oh" Gerard shouted back again. There was a moment of silence.
"So, who's he? He seems... nice." She asked.
"He's my friend Gerard, he's been looking after me." She nodded and looked around the room, surveying it.
"How are you?" I asked. The little hope I had held for my mother and I of reconciling after finishing school had been flattened when she didn't reply to any of my messages. And now she turns up out of the blue.
"I'm fine. I got a job as a saleswoman, bought a house, got married." She shrugged.
"You got married?" I questioned.
"Yes." She nodded as if I was being stupid for asking.
"And you didn't think of telling me."
"Well we hadn't been in touch for so long..." Silence. A moment passed awkwardly as Gerard walked in holding a cup of coffee.
"Oh I didn't want coffee." She said.
"I know... this is for me." Gerard confirmed. My mom blushed and looked away.
"How did you get me address?" I asked.
"You sent me it on one of those postcards." She replied, no emotion showing in her voice. I looked her over. She had died her hair brown and was wearing an old fashioned light pink suit, the type of one you see on old ladies. It was a good change though, she looked healthier.
"So what is this husband of your like?" I asked.
"He's lovely, respectful, well off. Actually he's why I am here."
"Oh and I flattered myself in thinking it was longing to see me." I said dryly.
"Yes of course it was, but James, that's his name, got me thinking about something... He asked why, under your circumstances, you don't live with us."
"Did you tell him it was because I dislike you with such an intensity that me focusing all that hate on a person could probably make them combust?" I asked politely. Gerard coughed awkwardly.
"No, I told him I saw no reason why not and came here today with the intentions to bring you home with me." My mouth opened.
"And surveying the place, you have only confirmed my suspicions that you need looking after."
"Hold on a minute, what's wrong with this place?" Gerard as sharply.
"It's a mess, it may be fine for your sort, but Blake needs some security in her condition."
"I'm not dying mom! I have paralysis!" I interrupted.
"And I'm doing a damn fine job of looking after her. Where have you fucking been when I've been carrying her about to doctors appointments and dealing with her freakin mood swings?" Gerard shouted. I looked over to him astounded by his feelings.
"So, what do you think?" She asked pointedly, ignoring what Gerard has said.
"I think you should get out." I said quietly.
"What?"
"I think you have offended me and Gerard enough and you should leave." I said strongly. My mom grimaced before getting up and walking to the front door. I followed her, she turned to look at me.
"Did you really think that you could win me over this easily? After you cheated on dad, forced him out and left me to live in an abandoned house, unable to even shower. And may I add: I would STILL be living there is Gerard hadn't let me live here. In this place you think is so darn crappy." I shouted. My mom looked so angry, her lips started trembling.
"I'm not going to pretend I was a good mother to you, but it wasn't my fault. I was so depressed after your father left. Don't you know he had been having affairs for years?" She asked strongly, I was taken aback by this
"I stood up for it and watched him pleasure himself with other woman as I brought you up! And god forbid the one time I find someone to love me, something for myself- he uses it to leave us so he can run of with his whore! How can you use that against me? I ddn't my darn best with the lot I was given." She closed her mouth and composed her before opening the door and walked out. I just watched her leave in utter shock.