Day Twenty-Eight

The previous night had been spent in New York, as they had to pass through it to get to Vermont.

She wakes up feeling slightly anxious, though, because it is the first time she will go to Vermont since … Ray. The feeling of nervousness only increases as they finish breakfast and hit the road for the four-hour journey into Vermont, and she knows he notices because he gives her a sideways glance more than once.

"Are you okay?" he finally asks, and she gives him a brittle smile.

"Fine."

"Ray still a taboo topic?"

She pauses. "Not since that night in Minnesota."

"Right. Then I'll ask again: Are you okay?"

She sighs. "No. I am … nervous. My memories of Vermont are not good ones."

"Really?" he asks in surprise.

"I had fun with him here, but as they say, bad memories cloud everything."

She wonders how to elaborate, but before she can say anything, he frowns and asks his next question, "Who says that?"

"I don't know. People. It is true … all I can think of now is that Ray lied to me."

"Well, can you think of the fact that you're about to go there with me?"

She glares at him defensively. "You know, you could just have pretended not to see that I was nervous and not asked the question; then we wouldn't be having this conversation and you would not be sounding so offended."

He breathes out and says in a more sombre tone, "You said you were ready, Ziva."

"I thought I was. I thought I was ready to face my memories and deal with having been lied to, but I did not expect that I would be nervous about going to Vermont. And you wanted to visit Vermont, Tony; who was I to say no?"

His face hardened. "I wouldn't have forced you, just like I didn't force you to go to Florida. I wanted to visit Florida too, y'know, but I thought it wouldn't be good for you so I didn't plan it into the trip. Damnit, Ziva! You don't get to use me as an excuse for going to Vermont when you don't want to."

She swallows, suddenly feeling guilty because she hadn't known that about Florida. "That is not what I mean, Tony."

"Sure sounds like it."

"I mean, I'm not going to Vermont out of some perverse wish to punish myself. I am going for you—but you are the reason, Tony, not the excuse," she hurriedly finishes when she sees him open his mouth in anger. "I want to see you happy. Never mind my experiences here … by the end of the trip, I will have different experiences, yes?"

"How happy do you think I'd be with you being all miserable, honestly?"

She hadn't been feeling miserable, but strangely enough, his words make her tear up. So she reaches over and grabs his hand despite his resistance because she needs to feel his skin against hers for a moment. He ends up loosening his grip on the steering wheel enough so that she can hold his hand dangling loose in between them.

She blinks away her tears and continues, "I need to deal with this eventually, yes? And as much as I would wish to spare you the … drama, I don't know if I can do this without you."

"So I'm here for what, to make you feel better?" Despite with words, she notes with relief that his voice seems less angry.

"Yes," she answers honestly, tightening her grip on his hand when he tries to pull away. "Not because I am using you to get over Ray. I am over Ray. But I wish to be able to go to these places with you, Tony. Without being plagued by bad memories. And in order to do that … I need to … deal with things, first."

"And I make dealing with things easier," he finishes flatly.

She bites her lip. "I know I can do this alone. But … I guess I just need someone to support my decision."

The muscles in his jaw work as he thinks about that, his hand limp in hers and his eyes never leaving the road. Finally, he gives a curt nod. "Okay."

She squeezes his hand. "Thank you."

He doesn't say another word, but he does brush his thumb lightly against her skin before he returns his hand to the steering wheel, and she is infinitely grateful that he offers her this bit of support.

xoxo

Their first stop is the New England Maple Museum, and she finds that she may've overrated her worries because even though she'd visited another maple museum with Ray (as a pit stop on their way back from the ski retreat), the man does not enter her mind as much as she would have expected. It is a relief to her to know that despite having been very badly hurt, she is capable of healing and moving on. She had been telling the truth when she'd said she wished to visit these places with Tony; he is her proverbial true love—the one she has had the deepest feelings for the longest, and the one whom she is determined to make her last love if not her first or only—and she thinks that it would be her biggest regret in life if she were to let her bad memories with Ray restrict her relationship with Tony.

She does not know how to go about telling Tony that, though, and her heart pulses with the regret of having lost her temper with him—again—when she sees the poorly hidden uncertainty in his eyes which suggests that he is not wondering about how to make her feel better as much as he is whether she had loved Ray more than she loves him. He links her hand with hers and finishes the entire museum tour by her side in what she supposes is meant to be a reassuring manner, but she feels the occasional twitch in his hand and subsequent subtle tightening of his grip, as if he feels the need to remind himself that she is with him now.

Childish insecurities. She thinks it, and she knows he will not voice them because he thinks it, too. But with paradoxical maturity she understands now that they were never really grown up enough not to go through these insecurities, anyway. She has seen how life, and his own actions, chip away at him bit by bit, lending his childhood fears and adult worries a measure of strength that he tries so hard to keep under control by creating for himself the image of a capable, charismatic, put-together man. She is not insensible to who he is on the inside—she knows he is truly capable and charismatic, but perhaps more so than he knows it himself. And so she worries if he is now wondering whether he is enough when she is well-aware of the fact that he is already more than she could ever ask from him in this moment.

A fool she would be if she has read his thoughts wrongly.

Some things, though, she thinks to be worth the risk.

She sits him down in the RV after leaving the museum and tries to assure him of his importance in her life, but the incredulity on his face makes her want to retract her words and her presumption and naïveté in thinking that she might understand him despite his having kept silent. But he clings onto both of her hands to still her move to leave, and his eyes beg her to finish what she had been intending to say, so she settles down again and hesitantly continues. When she is done, a tiny smile touches his face, and he gathers her into his arms. That is all he does for the next five minutes, at the end of which he releases her with a lingering kiss on the lips and a breathy "Thanks," and it is all he says of the matter.

She supposes she will never find out what he had been thinking the entire time. But he seems calmer as their trip continues, and so feels she; and it makes her think that maybe her efforts have not gone to waste no matter their actual necessity.

xoxo

"Sock monkey," he says with interest, grabbing one of the toys nearest to him, and she scrunches up her nose.

"I do not understand why anyone would want a toy made out of a sock."

"It's a culture thing," he answers, waving a hand absent-mindedly. "This is one of those that even I can't explain."

"Like why honey would attract flies," she retorts with a smirk.

He makes a face at her. "Smartass. What are we doing in the Toys department, anyway?"

"I am looking for something to give Amira. We must bring some gifts back home, yes? After this we will have to look for gifts for the adults."

"So we're here to shop for gifts?" he asks in dismay.

"You can go elsewhere, as long as you do not leave the store," she replies, feeling tempted to laugh out loud at his expression. "I can shop for the gifts myself."

"Nah. I think I'll … look with you."

"Suit yourself." She jerks her head at the toy. "What do you think of the sock monkey, then?"

"For Amira?" He looks at it doubtfully. "I don't see her liking something like this. Maybe something squishier?"

She stares at him in amusement, her lips twitching. "'Squishier'?"

"Yeah, y'know … filled with more cotton."

Her loud chuckle causes several other customers to look their way. Lowering her voice, she says, "Okay. Let's look for something with more cotton, then."

xoxo

Laden with various packages, they return to the RV at three in the afternoon and start to make their way towards New Hampshire; as they leave Vermont, he casts her another sideways glance, and she beams at him.

"Much better than I expected," she tells him, and he grins a little.

"I totally kicked Ray's ass," he says with just a hint of self-satisfaction, and she laughs because yes, he totally did.

A/N:

The New England Maple Museum hosts a collection of sugaring artefacts, from a block of wood with a sap-collecting gash made by American Indians, to the modern plastic pipeline. The maple museum contains murals, dioramas, and historical photos of the maple sugaring scene. It also holds live demonstrations of maple-syrup making. Website: www(dot)maplemuseum(dot)com

Tony and Ziva were shopping for gifts in the Vermont Country Store, which has lots of old-time and now hard-to-find goods :D in case you were wondering what's up with the sock monkey. By the way, I don't think I've ever seen a sock monkey before. Although we probably have some here.

Thank you for reading; please leave a review on your way out!

-Soph