Summary – An away mission goes horribly wrong and provides an opportunity for reflection and restoration for the senior staff.
Rating – K+
The morning had arrived far too quickly for Chakotay. He had returned to his quarters, but had slept very little in anticipation of the events of the day to come. He had taken some time to send a simple message to all the members of the senior staff about what was to happen in the morning and had assigned Harry and B'Elanna to report to the bridge so that at least two senior officers would be on duty there until the business with the captain was resolved one way or another. Neither of them had been happy with his choice, but they understood their duty. Both Tuvok and Tom would more than likely be indisposed for a while, Tuvok needing recovery time from the meld and, with luck, Tom's skills would be needed in sickbay to assist the doctor. He had also informed Neelix and Seven of what was to happen and had given them the choice of reporting to normal duty stations or joining them in sickbay.
It was 0800 already and the shift change throughout the ship would have taken place an hour before. Chakotay was fairly certain that the ship was buzzing by now with the news of what they were about to attempt. Many of the senior staff would have reported to the mess hall for breakfast and would probably have spoken to some of the members of the crew they met there that morning.
As he slowly showered and dressed in a fresh uniform his mind was constantly occupied by thoughts of his friend down in sickbay who now faced one of the greatest challenges of her life. He would be there to help her through it. He hoped she would give him the chance.
A young Kathryn Janeway was in her private retreat, seated behind a stack of hay bales in the back of the loft in her parents' barn. She often came here when she needed time away from things, from people. She could think here where it was quiet and no one would bother her. She sat curled up under a slightly worn but still cozy quilt she kept here, her dog sleeping peacefully with its head on her lap. The light from the old-fashioned oil lamp flickered slightly as the wind passing through the chinks in the rough board siding made the lamp rock on the nail where it was hung.
She couldn't remember how long she had been here, or even why she had come this time. Some time ago she had become slightly curious why her mother or sister had not come to find her, but they knew she sometimes retreated here, so they knew where to look if she was needed for anything. And she had a nagging feeling that she was needed somewhere, for something, but she couldn't for the life of her remember why. Oh well, if someone wanted her, they'd come find her. In the mean time she'd just sit here, relax, maybe read one of the several books she kept here, and enjoy the peace and quiet.
It was time, 0900 hours on the dot. Tuvok and Chakotay had arrived in Sickbay only moments before from their respective quarters. Tom was already there with the doctor. Apparently his services has been needed in preparation for what was about to happen. Within minutes Seven and Neelix also arrived and stood near the doctor's office, talking quietly, and waiting for something to happen.
"Computer, dim the lights in Sickbay to 20 illumination," said the doctor. "Commander Tuvok, we're ready whenever you are."
Tom stepped a respectful distance away from the biobed so as to give Tuvok room to work. The doctor took a position at the surgical frame and the life support controls should he be needed. Chakotay took his now customary position on the stool at the side of the bed. Whatever the outcome of this, he would be at her side as he had been for the past five years.
No one spoke. They all knew the seriousness of what was about to take place. Even Neelix was uncharacteristically quiet. There was an almost reverent atmosphere in the room, and if shear force of will had been enough to bring the captain back to consciousness, she would surely jump off the biobed any second now; such was the intensity of the people gathered in the room with her.
Tuvok moved to stand at the head of the captain's bed and slowly and carefully placed the fingers of each hand to the appropriate spots on either side of her face. Then he closed his eyes and began his journey into her mind. "My mind to your mind, your thoughts to my thoughts…"
She was still sitting in her sanctuary when she thought she heard the main door to the barn slide open and shut along its tracks. The sound was shortly followed by a gust of wind that moved the lamp around a little more than normal. She looked up from her reading expecting to see her mother or sister appear on the ladder to the loft. Instead she saw a Vulcan in a Starfleet uniform.
She wasn't startled, just surprised that it wasn't a member of her family that had come here, but it certainly wasn't unusual for Starfleet personnel to be around from time to time. After all, her father was an Admiral. She noticed that he stopped when his head was high enough to look around, apparently looking for something. She also noticed that he looked vaguely familiar, but she couldn't quite place him. Maybe she should talk to him. "Something I can do for you?" she asked.
His head turned to look in her direction and he saw her sitting in the far corner. "Captain?"
Now this was strange, he seemed to recognize her as well, but why would he call her Captain? Maybe he had said Kathryn and she simply hadn't heard him right. She looked at him curiously. "I'm sorry, I believe you may have me confused with someone? If you tell me who you're looking for I might be able to help you find them."
Tuvok wasn't exactly sure where to go from here. Reaching her subconscious had taken time, but had actually been easier than he thought it would be. Although finding her in this state was somewhat disturbing. She had obviously retreated within herself to a time in her life when she had felt safe, and loved, and wasn't responsible for much of anything other than herself. If he had to guess he would say around the age of twelve. Somehow he'd have to find a way to break through the walls she had created within her own mind to hide from herself and her unpleasant memories. I'm looking for Kathryn Janeway, do you know where I might find her?"
"I'm Kathryn Janeway."
Tuvok knew he would have to be creative. What could he say to her to get her talking to him, but in a way that she wouldn't become suspicious of his motives? He didn't want to scare her into retreating even farther within herself. Luckily for him, he had known Kathryn Janeway for a long time, long before she was made the captain of Voyager. And he knew a great deal about her history prior to that; that knowledge was about to prove useful.
Tuvok thought quickly and managed to come up with what he thought was a plausible story for his presence. "Your father told me I might find you here. My name is Tuvok. I'm a security officer with Starfleet Command in San Francisco. I am in command of a detail that has been assigned to work with your father for a while. He thought that I should meet you."
"It's nice to meet you Mister Tuvok, but you said you were with security, is my father in some danger?"
"Perceptive as always," thought Tuvok. He reminded himself that he was not actually speaking to a child but to a manifestation of the adult Kathryn Janeway's subconscious. He considered his answer for a moment and then responded, "Just a precaution Miss Janeway. He's working on some sensitive research and Starfleet wants to be as careful as possible."
"I understand. We've had company like this from Starfleet before. I guess it's all part of his job."
Tuvok was satisfied. He had managed to establish a basic rapport with her. She was talking to him. And oddly enough she was now staring at him.
"Commander, do I know you from somewhere?"
He wasn't immediately sure how to respond to this, but he felt the door to her conscious mind was opening just a crack, maybe he could push it open farther. "Yes, you do."
"And you said your name was Tuvok?"
He could see her struggling with the thought, her expression one of mild confusion. She placed her hand to her forehead as if she were suffering from a severe headache. For a moment, everything around them began to swirl and change colors and shapes and Tuvok became extremely disoriented. Then suddenly their surroundings changed and they were in the ready room of her first ship, both of them in uniform, and facing each other.
"I wish to take the opportunity to thank you Mister Tuvok. I don't believe I have ever been quite so soundly thrashed in front of a review board before."
Tuvok immediately recognized the circumstances her mind had recreated. This was a scene directly out of their mutual past. He had been assigned to work with her when she was given her second mission as a captain. Apparently she was remembering a meeting they had several weeks after her first formal admirals' review.
Tuvok had been an Ensign then, and worked as a tactical officer evaluating newly assigned captains. At her first formal review, he had been called in to testify to what he believed to be a less than ideal performance on her part during her first mission. Thinking quickly, he considered that time in their history. "Captain Janeway, I am sorry if you took offense at my remarks. However, it was my job to provide a fair assessment of your qualifications to the admiralty. I am sure you clearly understand the importance of thoroughly screening all potential starship commanders. My comments were in no way meant as a personal attack. They were simply intended to be an objective evaluation of your performance."
She drew herself up to her full height in front of him and glared at him with incredible intensity. It was the same look that would eventually be known to her crew as her 'death glare'. The fact that such a physically small person could appear so imposing was still surprising to him; it was one of the things that had impressed him so many years ago and only one of the traits that made her a good captain. "Mister Tuvok, I can appreciate that you were only doing your job, but did you have to do it quite so… logically?"
Her frustration was evident in her voice, but there was a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. Over the last few weeks she had come to accept that she wasn't really upset with him so much as the fact that he had been right in his criticism. Her inexperience had been at the root of his criticism and her bruised ego had gotten in the way of her objectivity. Tuvok had done his job, and well, and as much as she hated to admit it, she would be proud to work with him, although she sincerely doubted that he would feel the same about her.
Even though Tuvok had lived through this experience in real life, he played along for the moment and acted as puzzled by her comment and abrupt change in expression as he had been then. "Captain?"
"It's alright Tuvok, it was a joke. But since we're stuck with each other for a while, let me ask you something?"
"Certainly."
"What do you really think? Do I have a chance in hell of being successful at this? Of making it as a starship captain?"
It was ironic that she had jumped in her mind to this specific conversation from so long ago. He had almost forgotten that she'd asked him that. Carefully considering his response, Tuvok took the opportunity to open the door even farther. "You are an extraordinary captain and it has been an honor to serve with you."
Again she tilted her head and raised one eyebrow, puzzled by his response. "Tuvok, pardon me for being a little confused, but did you just say it HAS been an honor? You have only been under my command since you stepped on this ship twenty minutes ago, and this is our first meeting in weeks…" she paused trying to collect her thoughts, shaking her head. "Not only that, but you're wearing commanders' pips, you're an ensign, how can you…"
She looked deeply into his eyes, then swayed forward slightly as if she were about to faint. Tuvok extended his arms to her and she placed both of her hands on his forearms in an attempt to steady herself. Suddenly she closed her eyes and dropped her head slightly as the scene around them began to change again. This time, instead of a simple change of scene, Tuvok's mind was flooded by a series of images in rapid succession. It was as if her experiences since becoming a captain, and being placed in command of Voyager, were flashing before him at an incredible rate. Some were memories of experiences that he had been part of, but most were things that were unfamiliar to him. And he could distinctly feel the range of her emotions through all of these experiences. She went from the height of elation when she was given command of Voyager to the depths of despair during many of their experiences in the Delta Quadrant. Particularly haunting for her were the memories of lost crewmembers. He could feel the intensity of her pain and loneliness and it helped him to understand why she had retreated so far within herself.
Suddenly the rapid replay of her life came to an abrupt halt and he found they were in a darkened tunnel and he was certain she was now remembering the cave in. Her uniform was torn, and covered with dust and blood, and her injuries were now as visible to Tuvok as they must have been to the away team on the planet. She was leaning heavily against him, clutching his arms, and clearly in agonizing pain. Slowly she began to sag as her legs gave way beneath her and both of them found themselves on the ground, Tuvok holding his captain and friend in his arms.
And in that moment, he realized that this was how she really felt in life, the accident and her physical injuries actually serving to outwardly illustrate what she had been feeling emotionally for a long time; battered, broken, and paralyzed.
"Captain, can you hear me?"
"God Tuvok… make it stop… it hurts so much." She was clutching at his uniform jacket with her eyes tightly shut and tears slowly falling down her cheeks, her breathing ragged.
He was astounded to feel the intensity of her agony within his mind. "Only you can make it stop Captain. You must find a way to overcome this."
"I can't… I've tried for so long… I can't do it anymore!"
"Yes you can. You have faced challenges and overcome them many times before and you will do so now. I have never seen you fail. But you must draw on the strength and affection of those around you. There are many who are willing to assist you in any way they can. Accept their help, it is the only way."
They stayed like that for some time, her eyes firmly shut and her grip so tight on his jacket that her knuckles turned white. But slowly, ever so slowly, she began to quiet down and her breathing became easier. Releasing her grip on his jacket somewhat, she opened her eyes and looked up at him with her tear stained face. "Tuvok?"
"Yes Captain."
She turned her head slightly and examined her surroundings. "Where am I, what is this place?"
"This is the dominion of your subconscious Captain."
"What do you mean?"
"You were injured in an accident. Do you remember?"
"I think so. I was in a cavern with B'Elanna and Seven. There was a cave in."
"That is correct. What else do you remember?"
She thought quietly for a few seconds and then she began to shiver and Tuvok thought he recognized a momentary flash of fear in her eyes, something highly unusual for this woman. "Yes, I remember." Closing her eyes and burying her head back against his chest she continued weakly, "I remember it all."
"I know it is unpleasant for you Captain, but you must work through this and put it behind you. Your emotional and physical pain has overwhelmed you and your conscious mind has chosen to take refuge here."
"But how Tuvok?…I'm so tired of fighting…of the pain…of being afraid I'll fail them…fail you and Chakotay…how can I hope to find my way back?"
"You may leave here whenever you wish. You simply need to choose to. I am here to help you find your way. The others are waiting. Are you willing to try?"
There was silence for several long moments, then in a shaky voice she replied, "Alright Tuvok, I'll try. Can you help me up? I think I may need a hand."
"With pleasure Captain."
As Tuvok helped her to her feet, she was still leaning heavily on him for support, but he knew she would be alright with time. She had made her decision, and when Kathryn Janeway made a decision, subconsciously or otherwise, there was no turning back.
TBC