A/N: Yeah, you guys can hate me if you like. I deserve it aha.

Bella's POV

It felt like someone had ripped my stomach out of my body, leaving a gaping hole in my middle. The ragged edges were just adding to my pain, submerging my mind in agony. The feeling of being completely and utterly lost ran rampant, leaving me confused and scared. My world has been spinning on its axis lately, but now it just felt wrong.

Nothing was going the way it was supposed to. First, it was supposed to me and Edward together for ever, and I had loved him. Completely and utterly, irrevocably in love with him. And he had played me. He knew fine well that we weren't mates and still, he strung me along. Was it because I was his singer? Had all our time together only been because of the fact that my blood was like his very own brand of heroin? Had he kept me around, uncaring of the resulting damage to my emotional state, to test his control?

I had tried to tell myself that that wasn't the case. That at first, maybe, he had initiated contact between us because he wanted to know how far his control went, but I'd told myself that he'd developed feelings for me. I was so blinded by what I felt for him that I couldn't see the signs.

He'd watched me in my sleep. At first I'd thought it to be romantic, since as a vampire he hadn't needed to sleep and had accepted the notion that he watched me because he didn't want to be away from me. But now I realised that he hadn't actually been watching me, he'd been watching for the rest of his family, to prevent them finding out the truth.

I had thought that after he'd left, I would be able to move on from him. And in a way I had. I'd realised that although I thought that I wouldn't ever love anyone the way I'd loved Edward, the Edward I loved wasn't real. He'd changed his personality into what he knew would attract me and became that person – on the surface. I came to understand that I'd never known Edward and that my love was being wasted on a fictitious character that was created simply for that purpose. That made it easier to get over him. But it still hurt.

Then there was Jasper. I knew in the bare bones of my body that he was my mate. What we had couldn't be anything other. I knew that Jasper had backlash from his past, and that he carried it around with him, the weight of it etched on his face as he constantly tortured himself. But even then, I hadn't imagined anything like this! He had agreed to take this slow for me, and in the end I'd spent more of our relationship as a newborn than not, and as loath as I was to admit it, that wasn't what I'd wanted.

I had wanted to get to know him a bit more, spend time being just us with each other. I had wanted to be human, making human memories that I could remember. I wanted to feel my heart pound when he looked at me, my breath catch uncontrollably when he kissed me. The way my blush would spread and blare when he ran his fingers across my cheek. I wanted that goddammit! But I couldn't have it! Because of Maria and fucktard, we had our options taken from us.

Gasping, I clutched my middle. Ok, so I was happy with being a vampire, truly I was, it meant that Jazz and I got even more time together and that there was no need to hold back anymore either. I was just begrudging of how and why it had happened. I had wanted the choice of when and where Jasper turned me. Not have it forced on me the way it was.

I grumbled under my breath, leaning against the trunk of the tree I perched in. If I had said no to being turned, Jasper wouldn't have done it and he would have worked three times as hard to make sure that I was safe, but I hadn't seen any other option.

Glaring at the buck that had stupidly wandered across my hiding place, I fumed silently. After all of this has been dealt with, I was taking Jasper and we were going on a long, extended holiday, just us two and he was just going to have to deal with it.

Leaping lithely from the branch, I landed in front of the startled buck and watched as he pranced before bolting into the shrubs. I sighed before darting off after him. His scent was bland and not at all favourable, but he'd have to do. Jasper had been feeding me as often as he could, and not that I was going to complain, but there was only so much blood one person could ingest before they were walking around feeling as though the blood was sloshing around inside of them. I'd missed glutting myself twice already, and it was probably a good idea to ease the beginnings of the bloodlust I could feel creeping into my conscious thought before I decided to rip someone apart just to make me feel better.

I had to get a hold of myself. This wasn't conductive to anyone, especially not at the current time. Jasper was going to be infuriated when I went back. I could feel his panic and desperation tugging at our bond, trying to get me to go back to him and ease his pain but I just couldn't. Not yet. I needed time on my own, it was the first time I'd had peace and quiet since we got here.

However, Jazz was a Major at his core and I just knew that he wasn't going to take this lightly. I could understand, Maria and Edward were out here somewhere and I had just run off. To him, he probably thought that something was going to happen to me and I couldn't blame him. What with everything else that has gone wrong for us it was a miracle that nothing had happened to me I suppose.

Pouncing on the buck, something crashed into me from the right side. I tumbled off kilter and sprung back to my feet. Darting my eyes around trying to locate what had crashed into me, I found nothing. Opening my senses wide, I breathed deeply catching the scent of buck and honey. Frowning, I glared at the bushes and trees daring him to show himself.

"You weren't paying attention Isabella." I ground my teeth, I knew he was going to be royally pissed off but I really hated it when he used my full name. I kept my mouth shut, deciding to just ignore him and went after the buck again. Blazing past where he was standing, I sprinted off in the direction the buck had run, listening to his heartbeat as the way of tracking him down again. Catching up to him I didn't bother pouncing on him, just quickly closed the gap on foot before sinking my teeth into his neck.

Blood, hot and thick, coursed its way into my mouth and down my throat, somewhat easing the uncontrollable rage I'd been feeling. However, the waves of loss and abandonment were still there and it made me grind me teeth further into the bucks pelt. I hated feeling like this, and I hated that I had no control over why I felt the way I did.

The buck gave a last, valiant thrash when Jasper sunk his own teeth into him on the other side of its neck, before just going limp. I could feel his eyes on me, watching me as I fed, but I couldn't stand to face him just yet.

As the bucks' heart stopped beating, I pulled back in revulsion. Jasper held the limp, lifeless body in his hands, letting it dangle in front of him. I stared down at the beast, and felt the loss of its life. In another time and place, against something that wasn't an unnatural force such as ourselves, that buck was probably a brave, strong fighter. Proving himself time and again if the scars in his pelt were any indication. He had fought many foes and had come out on top, all his life and we just took it from him without a second thought. I mourned for the loss of such a life. I mourned for what he represented. I saw my life, my humanity, in him. We had both fought our whole lives and eventually we had lost to something that didn't care about our sacrifices. Someone that didn't spare our lives a second thought as they destroyed it. Simply because they could, because they wanted to.

The anger surfaced again, but it was dulled by my respect for the death I had just caused without need or thought. Self-disgust flooded my system and I almost wanted to make myself sick, to dispel the blood I had so crudely taken, but that would have meant that he had died in vain. That his death meant nothing. As repulsive as the idea was, the buck had died to keep me alive, and I was grateful.

Backing away from Jasper and my kill, I went until I bumped a tree. Jasper was watching me with concern, obviously having gone through my turmoil with me, and not liking what he'd found. Dropping the buck he made to come towards me but I held out my hand. I didn't want him close to me right now. I was too repulsed by what I had done to warrant any sort of comfort. Especially not from him.

"Bella, I -" he sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. He looked back at me and I couldn't look away. His golden globes were shinning with unshed-able tears and it broke my heart.

"I don't know what to do, what to say to make it better. Honey, I can't help unless you talk to me. I need you to tell me what's wrong so that I can help. You can talk to me, you know that. About anything, Bella, I mean it. But this," he threw his arm out, encasing the area around us.

"This I can't handle. You go off into a place inside yourself, and I can't reach you there. I can't even feel you through our bond, and that terrifies me. I can't lose you, Bella, I can't and it feels like I am. You shut me out, you lock yourself away from me and it kills me. I understand that you need your own space and I respect that as much as I can Darlin' but when you just leave me here, on my own, it's like you're on one side of a river and I'm on the other. And there isn't a bridge and I can't build one, because I have nothing. There isn't anything on my side except my love for you, and at times I feel like it isn't enough. Because no matter how hard I try, I can't cross that river. But you have the means to build that bridge, Bella. You have the wood and the rocks and everything you need but you don't. You just look at me, standing across from you and you do nothing. You watch me try, time and again and still you do nothing. But I'm not giving up baby. Goddammit, I will keep fighting mother nature and her bloody river, if it means I might have a chance of getting to you."

It felt like I couldn't breathe. There was a pressure on my chest that I wasn't used to and it was suffocating me. Seeing just how much pain I'd caused in my mate was like being changed all over again. The fire scorched my nerve endings and my internal organs before ravaging my skin, tearing guilt across my soul. I'd been selfish. Again. I'd thought only of myself when the man that loves me would always love me, and he was slowly burning in his own version of hell.

"But you can build that bridge, Bella. You can reach out, and I'll be there. I promise that I will always be there, waiting, providing any and all help I can. Just please, don't leave me to cross that river myself."

I flew into his arms, sobbing until it felt there was nothing left of me to give. His arms wrapped around me and he caught me with ease, proving that he would take care of me as he whispered loving nothings in my ear and into my hair as his hands roamed and soothed.

"I'm so sorry, Jasper." he hushed me instantly and I just burrowed deeper into his embrace.

"I think we should talk." I nodded and lead him back to my tree. I watched as he sniffed, catching my scent on the tree and his brows rose questioningly. I just shuffled my feet before scaling back to my branch. I felt almost at ease up here, like all my worries and problems were forty feet below me on the damp forest floor.

Scuttling along the branch to sit across from me, Jasper paused to take in the scenery. He smiled at something, and following his gaze I found nothing of interest. He huffed out a breath before turning back to me.

"I'm sorry too, you know. I've been keeping tabs on your emotions since we left Forks, but I haven't actually asked you how you feel about all this." I nodded, understanding where he was coming from. The fact that he's been watching my emotions was touching, as it shows that he's always aware of me, but I had interpreted that he would, and have been practising blocking him out as well.

"I'm not doing as well as I had thought I would, I guess." He nodded, staying silent, allowing me to get this off my chest.

"I suppose I thought that because I knew previous to being turned what I was getting into, that I'd be able to cope with it. But in honesty Jasper, I hadn't wanted to be turned this early. I wanted to spend some time getting to know each other before we went that far, taking the last step and eradicating my mortality. I'm forever stuck at eighteen, I'd wanted to wait maybe two or three years, get some experience under my belt before-hand. I know that that probably sound utterly ridiculous, but it's the way I had imagined it to go for us.

I had wanted to pick the time and place, make it feel special, and I detest the fact that I didn't have that opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret making the decision to go ahead and turn me, but I hate that it was forced on us that way. I want this, I want a forever with you, and I just didn't want it to be this way.

I hate that we can't just have time for us. That Maria and Edward think they have any right to mess around in our lives just makes me so furious! How dare they?! I wanted this time to be about us, not about jealous or vengeful exes. Nothing is going the way it's supposed to!

And then I feel like it's my entire fault. If I hadn't been so weak minded in the first place, Edward wouldn't have gotten his hideous claws in me in the first instance and some of this could have been prevented. How much of an idiot falls for such a poorly performed farce in the first place?! Honestly, he must have sat and thought that his little scheme couldn't have gone better if I'd been in on it! I'm disgusted with myself!

And the killing. I know, logically I suppose I do know, that it's only natural for us, after all they are out prey and we their superiors, but it doesn't make it feel better. Or right, for that matter. Just endless killing, useless death that should be prevented, had it not been for our existence. I hate that I have to power to overthrow a beast of the natural world the way I do. It's not right. But then, I'm not really supposed to exist, am I? A mythological creature from children's horror stories.

But then I feel like myself and that confuses me. I shouldn't feel like myself, everyone warned me about it when it was discussed when Edward was around. I shouldn't want anything other than blood, but honestly? Sometimes the last thing on earth I want it more blood. There's only so much one vampire can drink before she feels queasy."

Stopping and feeling like I should be panting, out of breath and with a good sweat worked up, it still surprised me sometimes that I'd never have those traits again.

Jasper trailed his fingertips across my cheek and I hummed in pleasure. Just one touch from this man centred me, brought me back to where I felt safe and non-dangerous.

"Feel better?" I nodded, smiling gratefully at him. It had helped immensely to get that out in the open.

"Good, because we have to go back there and none of them are too pleased with you Darlin'. They are all so worried about you, scared you'd gone off and left without giving them a chance to hold you down and make you see reason." I laughed at that because that was exactly what they'd do. They wouldn't just let me leave, oh no. I'd be forced to endure time with them showing me all the reasons I should stay until I cracked and agreed not to go. They really didn't fight fair.

"After all this is over, you and I are going on an extended vacation, just the two of us and if anyone tries to stop us, God have mercy on them, because I sure as hell won't." he just laughed and wrapped me up in his arms, where I was content to be.