Chapter 25

December 1870 – St. Louis

Daniel paced exhaustedly down the hall of the hospital. He'd brought Carrie in hours ago, and the sun was already up. He hadn't slept, and he was supposed to catch a train in a matter of hours. He couldn't leave her. Not now. He wasn't sure he had the power to leave her after this…whatever it was.

Nobody had told him anything, and every time a nurse passed through, she would look away and quickly go to tend to other people. He wasn't getting answers. He was about to drive his fist through a wall, and he knew Tommy was wondering where they'd gone off to.

His feet were weak and tired, and he felt as if he could collapse at any moment. He wanted to go to Carrie and find out if she was all right. But nobody would tell him. Nobody would talk to him. The hours had felt like days, and all he wanted to do was know what had happened out there on that street.

As his head started to pound, he leaned against the wall, wanting to break it down to get to her. He knew he needed to be patient, but she had fallen unconscious. What if he never got to talk to her again? What if something serious had been wrong the whole time and he hadn't known it?

"Excuse me. Excuse me, sir?" Daniel turned around, realizing that the man was talking to him. "Your wife, Carrie…" Daniel went to speak, but he realized that he would probably learn nothing if he explained that he was only a friend.

"Is Carrie alright?" he demanded. The doctor put his hand up.

"Sir, please calm down. She's just woken up, and we've explained to her what's happened," the older man explained.

"I don't even know what happened. Somebody better tell me what's goin' on right now."

"She's a bit shaken up. She's going to need your support." Daniel felt the urge to take the man by his collar and shove him up against the wall.

"What happened? Is she…what happened!"

"We've given her something to calm her down…so she may seem…"

"Just tell me what's wrong!" Daniel demanded, his entire body shaking with frustration and worry.

"I'm sorry sir," the little doctor said, his eyes turning down under his thick, white eyebrows. "Your wife's suffered a miscarriage." Daniel felt the breath leave his body, and he stepped back. "We did everything we could to try to stop the bleeding, but…we were too late." He paused shortly. "We want to keep her here for a day or two for observation. The…well, no further procedures need to be done. She was in a bit of discomfort, but we've relaxed her, and…"

"I wanna see her," he demanded. The doctor stepped away from the door.

"Of course, sir. Just remember to be gentle with her. She's very upset right now, and she needs to rest." Daniel only nodded and ran his fingers through his hair nervously. The doctor stepped away, and Daniel slowly opened the door. He saw Carrie laying there, her dark hair spilled across her pillow and her back turned to him. The sunlight was shining into the room, and he could see her shielding her eyes.

Without words, he closed the door and strode across the room to close the curtains. At the sound of the fabric sliding shut, Carrie removed her hand from her bloodshot eyes and stared at Daniel. She froze for a moment, her entire face puffy from crying. She turned to her other side, not wanting him to see her.

"Go away, Daniel," she choked out. "Ya don't got a reason to stay. Just leave." At that moment, he didn't see Carrie the cowgirl, Carrie the lady, or Carrie the victim. He saw a woman in her most fragile state, grieving over the loss of a child. Had she known? Had she intended to tell him?

"I ain't leavin'," he replied, sitting down beside her bed, gently reaching over to stroke her back. She scooted to the far side of the bed, and he heard her groan in pain. "I'll get a doctor…"

"No," she said quickly. "Just get out, Daniel. Ya don't wanna stay here. I ain't nothin' to you. I'm just…I'm just dirty…like ya always thought." The emotion in her voice was raw and completely crumbling. He felt a lump rise in his throat at her biting words. He knew she was lashing out, because she was at a loss for what to do.

"I never…I never thought that," he whispered soothingly. "I never thought that about ya, Carrie."

"Don't lie to me, Daniel. I don't need that right now. 'Specially not from you."

"I ain't lyin' to ya." He sighed worriedly. "Look. I won't even talk right now, but what ya need…is a friend. Let me be your friend. Talk to me. Just let me know what ya want me to do."

"I want you to leave," she breathed, turning onto her back again and turning her head to look at him. "Please. Just leave. Ya got a train to catch."

"That don't matter." Carrie brushed her own tears away and shook her head.

"Don't do this. Ya don't wanna be here."

"No. I don't." She looked at him again. "I don't wanna see ya like this. But, I'll stay right here if that's what it takes to watch ya get better."

"Get better? I ain't sick. I ain't dyin'."

"But you're hurtin'."

"How do you know? I didn't even know…I didn't even…" She choked on a sob, and shut her eyes, feeling fresh tears starting to flow down her cheeks.

"I know you're hurtin', 'cause you're a good person, Carrie."

"How am I a good person? I didn't…I didn't even know who the pa was. I didn't even know I was havin' a baby. How am I a good person? I didn't do right…"

"Ya did the best ya could. Ya didn't know. That wasn't your fault. Don't blame yourself."

"It ain't that easy, Daniel! Ya can't know what I'm goin' through. Ya got no idea!"

"I wanna understand," he pleaded. "I'm your friend, Carrie, and it hurts me to see ya like this."

"I don't even understand," Carrie whispered, wiping the fresh tears away. She swallowed hard. "Look. I'm gonna be ok. I don't want ya to feel sorry for me. I just wanna be alone. Go to the hotel and tell my pa where I am. He'll take care of me 'til I'm ready to leave."

"I ain't leavin' ya." Carrie sighed heavily.

"Don't be stubborn. If ya really care, just do what I asked ya to do."

"I do care, and that's why I can't do that. Ya need somebody…and ya got me. I'm here, Carrie. I ain't leavin', cause I know that's exactly what ya don't need."

December 1870 – Colorado Springs

With a heavy breath, Michaela made her way out of the telegraph office and found Sully talking with Robert E. She smiled, walking over to the two.

"Good morning, Robert E.," she said cheerfully.

"Mornin', Dr. Mike," he said with a nod. "How's Loren doin' this mornin'?"

"I'm about to go check on him now," Michaela explained.

"Grace is takin' him over some soup."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate that." Michaela slowly looped her arm through Sully's, and he smiled knowingly at her.

"We'll see ya later, Robert E."

"Have a good one," he replied, tipping his hat to them. Michaela and Sully started off toward the mercantile.

As they passed across town, Michaela caught Sully glancing toward the barbershop. Jake had yet to make his appearance since Sully's return, and Sully didn't care one bit. Michaela knew he wasn't sure about coming face to face with that man again, so she gave his arm a gentle squeeze, bringing his attention back to her.

"Michaela?"

"Hmm?"

"There's somethin' I want ya to do with me 'fore we go see Loren." Michaela and Sully stopped in the middle of the street, and she turned her eyes up to him, pulling her coat tightly around her body.

"What's that?"

"I haven't…I haven't been to see the graves yet. I…I want ya to go. I want ya to see…" Michaela nodded in understanding and put her hand against his cool cheek.

"You don't have to say anything." She gently tugged his arm, urging him in the direction of the church. They walked slowly, and Michaela knew that each step was almost agonizing for Sully. It hurt to see him hurting, but she knew he was healing too. He'd been healing for a long time, but he needed this.

They passed many people, but as they grew closer to the graveyard, they were left alone, as the wind blew the snow up, swirling it around them, letting it sparkle in the sun. It was magical, but at the same time, it was sad. Sully knew that Abagail would have found it beautiful.

Finally, he set sight on the gravestones he'd never seen before. Abagail. Lily. Hanna. They were all there beneath him, and he was in their presence for the first time in so long. Michaela's hand grabbed his, squeezing it firmly to let him know she was there for him no matter what.

"Abby," he said softly, brushing the snow off of the letters on the grave marker.

Abagail Sully. Loving wife, mother, and daughter. 1840-1860.

Hanna Sully. Loving daughter and sister. 1858 – 1860.

Lillian Sully. Loving daughter and sister. 1858 – 1860.

"It's them, Michaela," he said softly. "They're right here. They've been waitin' for me to say goodbye."

"I can leave you alone, Sully," Michaela said gently, squeezing his shoulder.

"No. No, you're here, 'cause you're my life now." He looked down at his family's graves. "I'll keep you in my heart 'til the day I die. I'll never forget anything. I miss you, and I know your spirits are safe now. You're happy, and I'm gonna take good care of Johnny. I promise all of ya that. Things are gonna be better now. I'll make things right." He knelt down in the snow, and Michaela stood behind him, watching him trace his fingers sadly along the letters of their names, as he said goodbye.

But, as he was kneeling down, Michaela glanced over to see Robert E. rushing across the snowy meadow.

"Dr. Mike! Dr. Mike! Come quick! It's Loren!"

December 1870 – Boston

"Mother, isn't this wonderful news?" Rebecca asked, as she held her tired daughter in one arm and Michaela's telegram in the other." Elizabeth's mouth was set in a thin, disapproving line. "Mother?"

"Yes. Yes, it's wonderful that she's save, but for how long? She's living as far away from civilization as she can possibly get. Next she'll…she'll be cavorting around with some Indians." Rebecca rolled her eyes and adjusted Mary on her hip.

"I hope you're not planning on telling her you disapprove."

"Why ever shouldn't I?" Elizabeth wondered.

"Because it's Michaela's life to live, and you shouldn't tell her otherwise." Elizabeth shook her head.

"I can't sit by and let her ruin her life."

"She loves him, Mother!"

"I understand that. I think it's wonderful that she's in love, but she can't possibly make a life for herself out there!"

"Honestly, Mother, what do you expect to do once you get out there?" Elizabeth straightened up.

"We won't know 'til we get there, will we?"

"Precisely."

"What?"

"We. I'll be joining you."

"Oh…oh, Rebecca, I didn't…"

"And I'm not going in support of this little tirade you're on, Mother. I'm going to be there to show my support and love for Michaela." Elizabeth shook her head.

"Have it your way, Rebecca. Someday, you'll both see what I mean when I say that Michaela deserves much better than what some backwoods town can give her."

December 1870 – Colorado Springs

Michaela slowly closed the door to Loren's room and numbly made her way down the steps. She didn't know how to tell him. She didn't know what to say anymore, and she had done a hundred times before.

Sully's elbows were propped against the counter, and he was cradling his head in his hands, wondering what was happening. When he heard her footsteps, he knew.

Grace was humming a soft tune, as she rocked her baby back and forth, back and forth. Robert E. had his hands on her shoulders, and he could feel his wife's grief. She'd found him. Maybe if she'd gotten to Michaela quicker…

When Michaela stepped off of the staircase, they all turned to her. When Sully's crystal eyes flashed into hers, he saw the truth.

"Michaela?" he asked, his voice scratchy from trying to fight back the tears. He knew the answer.

"He's gone," she breathed, tears spilling over and cascading down her cheeks. "He died peacefully." She tossed her medical bag onto the counter, and Sully sighed heavily, letting his own tears spill over. Michaela wrapped her arms around herself. "I'm so sorry, Sully. I could have…"

"There wasn't anything ya could do," he whispered. He looked down, not sure of what to say or do or think. Only one thing came to mind. "I…I didn't get enough time with him." A voice came from the corner of the room.

"Somebody's gotta tell the boy," Robert E. said softly. "We'll go get him from school…send him here." Michaela nodded sadly, dispatching Robert E. and Grace to fetch Sully's son. They closed the door behind themselves as they left, and Michaela turned back to Sully.

"I wish there was something I could have done, Sully. It shouldn't have happened like this."

"Ya did everything ya could, didn't ya?"

"I did," she said softly, "but maybe…maybe there was something else. Maybe I could have…" Her voice was breaking, and Sully's hands moved to her face.

"I believe in you, Michaela. I know ya did everything in your power. Loren was waitin'…he was waitin' for me to come home…so he wouldn't leave…" He struggled for a breath before continuing. "So he wouldn't leave my son without a family."

Michaela sniffled and slowly wrapped her arms around her future husband.

"I know how you felt about him," she whispered, gently rubbing the back of his neck with her delicate fingers. "I know you loved him like a father."

"He shouldn't be gone, Michaela. It ain't right. I didn't get enough time to tell him everything I shoulda…"

"He knew," she said with a smile. "When I saw him look at you with Johnny, I knew he knew that everything was right. You coming back was just what he needed, Sully." She felt him quaking inside, and it broke her heart. She hated seeing him so broken hearted, but she knew he was strong. He would make it through, and she was going to help him. "I didn't get much time with him, Sully, but he was so happy to see you. Couldn't you see it?"

"I saw it. I just…Johnny…he was Johnny's whole life."

"I know, but you're here now."

"He ain't ready, Michaela. He ain't ready to lose his grandpa." He shook his head. "I don't wanna see my little boy get his heart broken. He's already lost so much. We both have." Michaela framed his face with her hands, gently pulling him down to her. His forehead rested against hers, and he listened to her breathing.

"But you have your son. He has you." Sully cleared his throat and gently kissed her cheek.

"And I got you too." Sully took her hands in his and stared down at the diamond ring on. "We got our whole lives ahead of us." Michaela nodded.

"When we're married, Sully…"

"Married?" Michaela and Sully froze in their spots at the sound of the small voice at the door. Neither one of them had heard it open, and when they turned their eyes toward the voice, they stared back at the broken-spirited little boy. "You're getting married?" His eyes darted back and forth between Sully and Michaela. "Pa?" Sully's tear-stained eyes searched his son's.

"Johnny…" He didn't wait for an explanation. He started for the stairs, and Michaela felt her stomach lurch.

"Where's Grandpa? What happened?"

"Johnny," Sully spoke again, reaching out for his son.

"Grandpa!" Johnny ducked away from his father and started up to the room. Michaela gave Sully a quiet look, telling him he needed to go. She wasn't needed yet. She knew that it wasn't time. Sully gently squeezed her hand before following after Johnny, and after spotting Charlotte and Grace on the porch, Michaela slowly prepared herself to officially inform the town that their storekeeper was gone.

"Johnny!" Sully made it into Loren's bedroom to see his son sobbing over Loren's body. Loren looked peaceful, and Sully's heart tore in two.

"Grandpa, wake up! You're s'posed to wake up! It's time to get up now! The store! It's time to open up! Ya always get up…Grandpa, please!" The boy's eyes were streaming tears, and Sully moved to touch his son. "No! Please, Pa! Wake him up! He can't leave me!" Johnny's little hand slipped into Loren's, feeling the strength completely gone from it. "Please, Grandpa. Ya promised you'd take me fishin' when the snow cleared. Please, Grandpa. Ya can't leave me. Ya can't!" Sully suddenly felt as if he was intruding. His son was in mourning, and he remembered feeling this way just ten years ago.

Sully's hand rested on his son's back, and he didn't pull away.

"He's gone, Johnny," he whispered. He knelt on the floor beside Johnny, and his eyes stared at Loren's peaceful face. "He loved ya. He loved ya more than anything."

"Then why'd he leave? He wasn't s'posed to die!" He wiped furiously at his tears, trying to make them go away, but fresh ones sprung forth.

"Johnny, he did what he could…"

"It's your fault!" Johnny screamed, standing up and pushing his father as hard as he could. Sully stumbled back, and Johnny turned back to Loren. "He was waitin' for you! He was…" He began to sob, and his words were almost incomprehensible. "If you hadn't come back, he'd still be here!" He felt as if his heart had stopped beating. His little boy was so full of grief, and he was blaming him. Was it his fault? Twenty-four hours ago, he would have taken full responsibility. But now…

"Johnny, please…" Their relationship was too fragile. He wanted to comfort the boy, but when he reached for him, Johnny pulled away.

"No! Bring him back! Bring him back!"

"I can't, son…I…I can't." Not understand how any of this was happening, Johnny ran out the door, slamming it shut behind him. Sully could hear his cries, and he jumped up to run after him. By the time he'd made it down the stairs, he could see his son struggling through the crowd.

In their grief, nobody thought to grab him, and the entire town's silence grew into an uproar, when Sully came bounding out of the mercantile.

"Johnny!" Michaela rushed to Sully's side, and she touched his arm.

"Sully…" Sully's eyes scanned the town, and he could see the boy heading toward the livery. He knew what he was doing. He turned to Michaela.

"I gotta go after him."

"I understand," she whispered. He ran off quickly, and Charlotte walked up behind her, putting a hand on her shoulder as if to tell her it would be all right.

Without speaking a word, Robert E. kissed his wife's cheek and followed after Sully. The town watched in pure shock as the two men started across town to the livery in hopes of stopping Johnny. At the same time, mourners cried over the loss of Loren Bray. Michaela was stuck in the middle. She wanted to go help Sully, but at the same time, she had a duty to her new town and to Loren.

"Come inside, Doc. They'll be ok," Charlotte assured her. She motioned for the Reverend. "We're gonna need to make plans. We ain't gonna be able to reach his sister, and his sister-in-law…well, we can try." Michaela nodded, keeping her eyes on Sully and Robert E. until they rounded the corner and disappeared out of sight.

"Dr. Quinn," Reverend Johnson spoke softly.

"I'll be along, Reverend," Michaela said softly. As the crowd began to disperse, Michaela gathered her thoughts and disappeared inside of the mercantile, closing in death and keeping out life.

"Took his horse," Robert E. said breathlessly, slapping the side of the corral fence. "Byron's missin'."

"Byron?"

"That's his horse," Robert E. said with a nod. Sully sighed heavily, feeling even worse about the situation. It was then that he wished he had Bandit with him. Unfortunately, he had had to sell him in San Francisco, because they had no way of getting him to Colorado Springs.

"I'll saddle up a couple horses, and we'll go look for him."

"I need to go alone," Sully replied, picking out a strong stallion.

"No ya don't. Ya ain't been 'round here in…"

"I know. I think I know where he's goin'." Sully swallowed hard and mounted up bareback, as Robert E. grabbed a horse that was already saddled.

"Well, let's get goin' while the trail's still fresh. Snowstorm is comin' in, and the way it snows here 'round this time of the year, his tracks'll be covered up in minutes." Sully decided not to argue, and he spurred his horse out of the corral. Robert E. followed suit, and they headed out in search of Johnny.