Replying to the person who said they think Bonnie loves Damon more than Elena loves Stefan. You have your own opinion, and I respect that, and I'm perfectly fine with that, because when I started writing this I had no intention in bringing Bamon in so I'm glad it turned out well. But, I never said Bonnie doesn't want to be a vampire. Well, she doesn't, but neither did Elena. Nobody wants to be a vampire. But Elena didn't want to lose Stefan. She didn't want to lose yet another person, someone who is that important to her. And like I pointed out in her conversation with Caroline, she didn't do it for Stefan only, she did it for herself too. She didn't want to wake up when she was 30 to have to say goodbye to Stefan, to live the rest of her life without him, and 10 years later wake up unhappy, living life she never wanted for herself. Bonnie wants to spend an eternity with Damon as much as Elena wants with Stefan, but unlike Bonnie, Elena wasn't chained to anything. Other than being a human and a girl and someone's friend, or lover, she's also a witch. And being a with is a gift, and she has to respect that gift, living her life, serving her purpose, so she can give back everything she was given to. Bonnie being with Damon is sort of a rebellion to who she is. It's there to remind her that she's not just a witch, she's also Bonnie. And being with Damon was not something a with would do, but it's something Bonnie wanted to do.
xxxx
I am a monster.
I look myself in a mirror, and that's all I can see. A vicious, blood hungry monster.
And if I see myself like this, he must to. He sees me as a monster. Even though he denies it every time I ask him am I a monster to him. He saw my face covered in someone else's blood, how could he not see me as a monster?
Sometimes I catch him staring at me. I can't read any kind of an expression on his face while he's doing so. No love, no happiness, but no pain, or regret, or disgust either. He's simply staring at me, that sometimes I think he's actually looking through me.
I'm not the girl he fell in love with anymore. I'm not that sweet, innocent, defensless girl who was melting upon his touch that night on the parking lot in front of the Grill. I'm not that person anymore, so why would he love me? Just because I'm Elena, and just because he loved me once?
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of waking up one day and not finding him next to me. I'm afraid of feeling empty and lonely again. I thought I won't ever have to feel like that, now when I'm a vampire. I thought me turning will solve all of our problems. But it hasn't. It only made our problems worse and bigger.
I couldn't imagine myself living without Stefan, but I can't imagine myself being dead without him either.
I guess there is no me without Stefan, no matter how sad or pathetic that sounds.
He's so close to me, but so far away. He touches me as he used to. And he kisses me as he used to. He holds me and sometimes even looks at me like he used to. But when I lean next to him and try to connect our thoughts, when I try to make our minds live in one body, I can't. Because I can't find him anywhere. He's out of my reach.
There were times when I felt so close to him. When I would give up everything to be with him. Now I feel like I don't have anything to give anymore. Like he stripped me of everything, and left me shaking in the middle of an icy room, naked. And now when I don't have anything to give, he doesn't want me anymore. I know it's wrong to think like that, because I know he loves me. I understand that now, how powerful vampire's love is. But I can't help myself.
I had a dream the other night. We were in a ball room, and we were the only ones there. He was wearing a tux, and I was wearing a big, white gown with sparkles on it. We were dancing for hours, but my feet didn't hurt at all. I wondered why, so I looked down and saw I wasn't dancing at all. He was carrying me. My feet were on his, and he was dancing for both of us. He looked me in the eyes, and the way he pierced into me made me melt into his arms. And in that moment, I felt closer to him than to anyone else in my whole life.
I want that feeling back. I want to feel like he's mine, and like I'm his, and like nothing in the entire world can stand between us.
But I'm not too hopeful of getting that feeling back. It's been a long time since I was his Elena, and since he was my Stefan, and since we felt like we had the whole world under our feet.
xxxx
„You got better at this" – Stefan said, while he was sitting on the bench in the park, looking at Elena slowly sucking the blood from another girl's neck.
She raised her head up to look at him. There was no blood around her mouth. It took her some time, but she learned how not to be a messy eater. Black veins around her eyes were tingling and made her eyes look darker. Or maybe they only looked like that in the dark.
„Do you mind?" – she asked with the innocent look in her eyes.
Only she could do that. Wear that face, and look innocent.
He shook his head while laughing. „No" – he smiled at her, but she didn't seem to believe him.
„Do you find me unattractive like this?" – she asked.
He frowned. He couldn't believe she would ask him something like that. Or even think about it. He couldn't remember he ever looked at her in disgust. He didn't find her unattractive at all, not even when she was sucking other people's blood. In contrary, he found it sexy. It was in the vampire's nature. Sharing blood was the most intimate act vampire's could do.
He got up from the bench and crossed his arms on his chest. She could notice the muscles of his arms tighten up as he did so.
„You're as beautiful as the first day I met you" – he smiled at her. „More, if it's even possible."
She smiled back. She could never resist his smile. It was one of her week spots. Sometimes, while they were making love, he would lower his head and press his lips on the skin around her shoulder, and she could feel his lips curving into a smile. That was one of the most beautiful things she ever experienced, knowing she could make him so happy, that in a moment like that, he had to smile.
She had bit her lower lip, raised her head up, and gestured him with her finger to come closer. „Come here, love" – she said silently.
Stefan crooked his eyebrow and came few steps closer to her. He looked at the girl in Elena's arms. She had a delightful smile on her face. Elena compelled her to enjoy this. Elena didn't like to see them in pain, or struggling, and she would never take too much from them.
Elena looked at Stefan and brought the girl closer to him. „Why don't you take some?" – she asked with a smirk on her face.
Before he could respond, she had sinked her fangs back in the girls neck. Stefan looked at her in disbelief. She raised her eyes to look at him. Veins around her eyes started moving. There was something about her that left him breathless. She adapted to well to being a vampire that it became a part of her charm. She wasn't evil, or manipulative, or a monster. She was still Elena, but there were certain parts of here that she showed more now that she was a vampire. Like her confidence, like she knew she is sexy and beautiful, and she wasn't afraid to show it. She was finally free. She acted like it, and he hoped she felt like it. She locked her eyes on his, and he could see a light smile on her face.
He came closer, put his hands on the girls hips, and sinked his fangs on the other side of the girls neck.
This is the first time he did something like this. With anyone. Ever. He could feel Elena's fingers on his arm, going up and down, until she finally reached his hand and intertwined her fingers with his. He could feel closer to Elena than he did before. Sharing this moment with her, he was sure he will never share it with anyone else again, and he didn't want to. Sharing this moment with her, it was all about her fingers intertwined with his, and the moonlight on their faces, and a smile on her lips, and fleeding moments and seconds that passed too fast.
It was about being with her and doing what she asked him to do and sharing something so intimate with her. It was about being home.
When he concluded that the girl shouldn't lose anymore blood, he took his fangs out from from her neck, and Elena followed him. He had cut his wrist open with his fangs, fed the girl his blood and sat her down on the bench he was sitting on before. He compelled her to go home and forget everything that has happened to her. Her wounds have healed quickly.
Stefan turned around to look at Elena, and she was smirking at him.
„You have blood on your lips" – he pointed in the direction of her mouth.
She raised her hand to clear her lips of blood, but in the matter of seconds Stefan appeared in front of her and grabbed her hand.
„Let me" – a huge grin appeared on his face.
He slowly lowered his head down, approaching her lips with his. She was trying to catch his look, but it was centered on her lips. She was a little stunned about what he's planning to do. Finally, his lips locked with hers, and she could feel blood from her lips disappearing in his mouth. He kissed her lips covered in blood, she couldn't stop thinking. She never thought he would do something like that.
He raised his head and looked at her, still wearing a smirk on his face. His look was piercing through her, setting her skin on fire, making her insides burn and caressing her soul. She had put her arms around his neck and kissed him. But it wasn't one of their usual pecks on the lips, it was more than that. She kissed him so hard he could feel his body tremble. He had put his arms around her waist and lifted her from the ground. In his arms, she was as light as a feather. He started carrying her, and he never wanted to let go of her. He wanted to keep her in his arms forever. They enetered the woods, and he was still carefully carrying her in his arms, and she was still kissing him. She had put her legs around his waist and cupped his face with both of her hands.
What she felt while kissing Stefan was not marely passion, although there was a lot of it. It was also love, in the purest sense imaginable. She could never be just his lover, she was his in every sense of the word. He was her lover, soulmate, best friend, a shoulder to cry on, someone she could lean on and someone who was always there for her. He was her everything.
They reached the boarding house, and Stefan pushed the front door open with his leg. He carried her all the way up to the bedroom, and in the moment he was ready to put her on the bed, she jumped from his embrace.
„No, no" – she said and shook her finger. She pulled her shirt up from her body and got herself out of her jeans in a hurry and happily jumped to the door of his room.
„This way" – she gestured him with her finger to follow her.
He had no idea what she was up to, but he was eager to find out. He will play her game. When she disappeared from the bedroom door, het got his clothes of and hurried after her. He found her panties and her bra on the hallway floor, leading to the bathroom. He could hear the water running in the shower. He stepped insine the bathroom and saw her under the shower, smiling at him and inviting him in. He smiled and got under the shower with her. She had bit her lower lip, something she did often, and put her arms around his waist. She started pulling her fingers all over his back, up and down. He lowered his head and pressed his lips on the skin of her neck, kissing it all the way through. She started bending her body in the direction of his kisses.
Their bodies were pressed close together. She could feel his strong torso pressing on her chest, and he could feel her skin burning under his touch. Water was covering their naked bodies, putting out the fire on her burning skin. He was holding his hands on her hips, pulling her closer to him.
When they were together, nothing else mattered. Nothing else existed. There were only them and the moment they shared, and they wished to freeze the time so the moment can last forever. But they had an eternity of this. An eternity of passionate kisses and sharing showers and kisses under the sun and moon and laying in each other's arms on the bed. They could have an eternity of this, and it still wouldn't be enough.
When they were together, they were complete.
xxxx
„You're not like the other girls" – Damon said while watching Bonnie laying on the bed. He was studying the skin on her back, following the line of her spine, a place where he planted his kisses many times before. She was turned to him, but she had her eyes closed. She smiled at his words.
„What do you mean?" – she asked with a smile on her face.
He had to smile at her smile. He always did. Because there was nothing more beautiful than seeing her smile.
„You don't care what other girls care about. You don't mind leaving the house without any make up on. And you wear the clothes you feel comfortable in. You read books, and you talk about reading books" – Damon said while getting closer to her, putting his hand on her back and pulling his finger over her spine. She opened her eyes at the tingly feeling his touch was sending down her spine. „I love when you put the music on and dance in your underwear. You look free. Like a bird. And oh, when you're eating ice cream, you have a special look on your face, and from that look I can tell you're enjoying yourself completely. And it's amazing, to see you like that. So satisfied and humble.. because something as irrelevant as ice cream can make you so happy" – he smiled at the memory of her face.
She looked up at him and smiled. Her hair was falling over her face, hiding her gorgeous brown eyes Damon loved to look at. Because every time he would look at them, he would discover a piece of Bonnie that was to that moment unknown to him.
„I remember the first time I saw you. That night, at the Grill. When my eyes locked on you, everything else in the room stopped moving, existing. Nothing else mattered. Because from that moment, I knew you're the one. You've always been the one, Bonnie" – he was trying to keep the tears from falling down his cheeks.
Bonnie looked at him with so much admiration, and he could tell that from the smile on her face. He pulled his fingers through her hair.
„No matter how many lifetimes I live, I will find you in every one of them. I will search for the body your soul was reborn into. Because I refuse to believe there is a world with no Bonnie in it" – he leaned his head down and kissed her cheek.
She burried her face in the pillow so he doesn't see the tears streaming down her face. „And I promise, I will do everything in my power to find my way back to you."