Disclaimer: Well as you know, I don't own FY. But what you don't know is
what I'd do if I did own it!! Make millions of dollars off the anime,
manga, artbooks, CDs, and merchandise....that's what!!! ^_^
Chapter 25 On the Mountain
We refuse to give in to the exhaustion that weighs upon our eyes and minds, tempting us with visions of the dreams we could be having. We refuse to sleep, to close ourselves off from each other. We force our eyes to remain open by looking at each other and by speaking to each other in unheard tones, making us want more, making us want to stay awake.
Tasuki kisses the curve of my neck and slides an arms under my back, lifting me slightly from the linens. He rolls over onto his back, taking my tired body with him, and settles me on top of his chest. I curl myself up on top of him, my knees bent and pressed to his rib cage, my head tucked beneath his chin, my hands splayed over his chest. His arms wrap securely around the curve of my back, his hands pressing to my shoulder blades. He keeps me close to him, sealed to him.
"Why did you come to the palace looking for me?" he asks, suddenly breaking the deep silence of the room. I lift my head to find his eyes glowing faintly at me.
He knows that I followed after him because I love him; what else is there to this question?
"Because I love you," I answer truthfully, confused.
"I know that, Tansho," he says, smiling, "But I know you're stubborn. Something got to you, made you realize the mistake you made."
I smile at him cuningly. My fingers lace themselves together and press palm-down on his chest. I rest my chin on the pillow they create for me. "You think I would have made a mistake if I hadn't come after you?" I ask.
His lop-sided smile fades and he looks deep into me, his otherworldly eyes touching my deepest part with a single glance. "I made a mistake by not staying," he tells me, his voice barely above a whisper.
Oh, dear gods...no. No, not this, not this horrid emotion. This goddamned emotion that wounds and scars and kills mercilessly. Guilt. He feels guilt. He is trying his hardest to conceal it; but his eyes penetrate me too deeply, revealing all of him to me. He feels guilt for walking away from me. But he shouldn't; he can't. Not now, after it all is over and done with.
"No," I say, my voice pleading, "No, you didn't. I told you to go and you went...that is all." He averts his eyes from me. They are poisoned. They have been poisoned,-- his eyes, his soul, his heart--all poisoned by damned guilt. "Tasuki!" I say firmly, taking his face in my palms and making him look at me. He cannot crumble on me now. Not now. "If you had not left me, I could not have followed after you."
I don't have to force his eyes to meet mine. They gravitate toward me with or without the consent of his consciousness. He removes my fingers gently from his face and kisses them. "No, you couldn't have...could you?" he says. But it seems more like he is telling himself, reassuring himself instead of me. He kisses my fingertips again and again, making them burn and tingle under his lips.
"I followed after you because of something Asako said to me," I continue, "She told me that once I love a man, I would never be able to do anything else." I pause, seeing the older woman's face for a moment. "I realized that what she told me was true...and I got up and I ran." That is all; that is the truth.
His eyes drain the poison and look at me in amazement. I can tell he feels honored and flattered by what I just said; and I feel the skin on my cheeks fill with blood. Gods, he made me blush. "Really?" he asks, like a child who needs reassurance that the world is round.
I smile sweetly; like a lady, like a little girl, like a lover. "Really," I answer.
I will the guilt to dissipate within his chest; and I force it away from him, feeling it scatter across the room and seep out through the walls. It is strange how my soul is so aware of previously unseen and unknown things now, as if Tasuki's presence opened my eyes and ears to the otherworld, to the supernatural. I can sense, hear, and see more clearly than ever before. Perhaps it is because I love a man whose name is written in the sky; or perhaps it is because love in itself is a medium for the paranormal. But I know it is wise not to question these things, so I move my mind elsewhere. I focus on what awaits me when I leave this place, this city of beauty and rot, mixed together in a deadly potion of corruptness. Back to the place I was born--the mountain.
The mountain. I have forgotten so much of my life before this place, this city, the tavern, the brothel. Did I even have a life? My father could not support us. My mother labored in her dress shop day in and day out, then died bringing my brother into the world. My father gave his eldest daughter to a tavern master to pay off a debt, knowing what would become of her, knowing what she would become. Was that a life? Is this a life? Dear gods. What has my existence been about? The death of your beloved mother. The betrayal of your father. The pain of being forced into womanhood while still a child. The humiliation of being told that your body is the only thing of worth you possess. Not your mind, not your soul, not your heart-not the things that will die one day and fade away into nothingness. The humiliation of being told that your only talent is pleasing men with your body and your cunning words. Your body-- the thing the world sees, wants, pays you for, and fucks. The thing that will wither and rot away inevitably. It didn't take me long to figure out that the world only cares for the tangible. It has no need for the spiritual. What it can't see or touch, it believes doesn't exist. How sad. How hopeless. How pitiful. For me. And for those who believe otherwise.
At least Tasuki knows I love him. At least I have told him one last time. I could die now. I really wouldn't mind. It would be better, after all, if Tasuki didn't have me to distract him, to draw his attention away from his duty as a warrior of the priestess. If I could get away from my goddamned life. If I could start over. If only all of it could start over. Me--clean and new. A life unused, like a gown or a pair of newly- made slippers, ready for an owner. How perfect. I could choose a new name, pick a new place to live, build my life around my heart and my soul and my mind. Not my body. My body would be the last thing I'd worry about. Hell, I'd be happy to be a man! An ugly, old man consumed with a beautiful soul and filled to the brim with laughter and peace. As long as I had those things, I could live as anything.
I smile involuntarily. Tasuki sees and looks at me in amusement. I will never be able to rid myself of his eyes and his hair. Both are so unnatural, so unearthly, so beautiful. If only I could start over again with him. I could spend the whole of my life simply touching him and I would be happy. Dear gods, if only. If only. If only..
Then I realize what I was too stupid to let into my mind beforehand. I think to myself, you fool of a girl. Always so damn melodramatic! You never slow down and acutally think about what you're thinking! Start over with Tasuki? Do you not realize that that is what you'll do upon his return? You'll leave with him and go back to the mountain with him. You'll start your life over--with him. Fool. Think for once in your goddamn life!
Suddenly, I begin to laugh. It's a loud, deep laugh from the pit of my belly, sprouting from my throat like a fountain. I'll get to start over. No death. No hurt. Just leaving and beginning again. So fucking easy. I laugh and bury my face in Tasuki's chest, sucking his scent deep into my lungs every time I inhale. I make myself drunk off his smell. I intoxicate my body with him. I feel insane. I feel as if my mind has drifted away. And all I can do is laugh like a lunatic.
"What's so funny?" he asks, confusion and amusement mixed in his voice.
"I...it's...," I am so happy that I can't form a sentence, much less explain my revelation to him. My hope. Hope. Something that I have missed, something that I now treasure with all my being. I won't ever let this go, this feeling, this way of being. It's too perfect, too rare, too unimaginably beautiful.
So I kiss him, hoping that maybe my thoughts will leak from my mouth to his, and then into his heart. Save me, I tell him. Save me and be the one who's with me when I begin again.
"The mountain," I whisper into his open mouth, "Tell me about the mountain. It's been so long since I've seen it." I open my eyes to see him looking intently at me, pausing, cautious of me. He is hesitant to help my memories resurface. But I lean forward and press my cheek to his, feeling him instantly envelope me with his arms. Tell me, my mind begs.
I hear his lungs expand behind his ribs. They breathe deep, giving him strength to say the things he needs to tell me.
"Please tell me," I ask again, "I want to remember. So that when I see it again, I won't be afraid."
His eyes tell me no. No, I won't do it. I won't tear open a scab and cause the scar to be deeper, darker, and uglier once it heals again. But his dark green eyes blink, knowing how much I want to hear him speak to me, to tell me. He knows that I need to remember. I know that he knows.
"At night, it looks like a demon from far away," he begins slowly and gently; his deep voice is trying to be strong and unmoved for me. "It's so dark, it almost looks evil. And the crickets and cicadas make so much damn noise you wanna burn the whole mountain to ashes just to shut them up."
I feel my lungs expel a sigh of relief when his demeanor returns to where it should be. Nonchalant. Boisterous. Sarcastic. Happy. These are the things that made me love him. These are the things I want to remember about him if he never returns to me.
"But during the daytime, it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen," he says. I watch in fascination as his eyes stare far away, over my shoulder, through the wall of the room, and over the roads of Konan. To his mountain. His home. My home. He really can see it, I realize as I watch the gold in his eyes gleam like the sun. He can see the mountain. "It's mostly forest. So green and thick you need a sword to clear a path. And if you come back to that path a week later, it won't be there. It's alive, ya know. Sometimes if you just shut your mouth and listen, you can hear the damn thing breathing." He pauses again, but only for a moment. He soon resumes talking, every word soaked with longing. "And the smell. Hell, you can't ever get sick on a mountain. It's too clean, too undisturbed. Everything smells like trees and flowers. Everything seems too perfect, like it's Heaven or something. And when you're not there, you know you need to get back there as fast as you can."
His eyes blink again, and he glances at me, almost nervously. I only stare. My eyes cannot focus. They can see what he saw. The mountain, in front of me, calling to me like a mother calling for her lost child. I clench Tasuki's shoulders in longing. I'd do anything to get back there, to that place where everything is as it should be. And I hold back tears knowing that Tasuki will be the one to take me back. To take me home.
"Do you remember now?" he asks, taking my shoulders in his hands and pulling my shaking body down on top of his. He holds me to him so close that I can feel his blood flowing through his veins. I can feel his soul stirring inside of him, longing to be back on the mountain.
"Yes," I answer, "I remember."
A/N: Well, a somewhat happy chapter with just a touch of mushiness to make it sweet. ^_^
Hmmm, it looks like Tansho is pretty sure that she'll be going home with Tasuki once his mission is over. Will she? Or will Tasuki die and leave her all alone again? Or will she die and have him come back to nothing? *Iseult listens for the soft sound of approacing feet behind her, knowing a crazed assasin fan is coming to do her in.* Keep away, I warn you! Or else... I'll kill 'em both!!! Just kidding!! I know I know, I kid WAY too much. I'll stop.soon.maybe.
Big fat P.S.: I'm retaking the ACTs this Saturday, and the resulting score on the math section will determine whether or not I get into the college I want to attend next fall. So please, if you have any religion at all.pray for me!!! Thanks so much!! ^_^
Chapter 25 On the Mountain
We refuse to give in to the exhaustion that weighs upon our eyes and minds, tempting us with visions of the dreams we could be having. We refuse to sleep, to close ourselves off from each other. We force our eyes to remain open by looking at each other and by speaking to each other in unheard tones, making us want more, making us want to stay awake.
Tasuki kisses the curve of my neck and slides an arms under my back, lifting me slightly from the linens. He rolls over onto his back, taking my tired body with him, and settles me on top of his chest. I curl myself up on top of him, my knees bent and pressed to his rib cage, my head tucked beneath his chin, my hands splayed over his chest. His arms wrap securely around the curve of my back, his hands pressing to my shoulder blades. He keeps me close to him, sealed to him.
"Why did you come to the palace looking for me?" he asks, suddenly breaking the deep silence of the room. I lift my head to find his eyes glowing faintly at me.
He knows that I followed after him because I love him; what else is there to this question?
"Because I love you," I answer truthfully, confused.
"I know that, Tansho," he says, smiling, "But I know you're stubborn. Something got to you, made you realize the mistake you made."
I smile at him cuningly. My fingers lace themselves together and press palm-down on his chest. I rest my chin on the pillow they create for me. "You think I would have made a mistake if I hadn't come after you?" I ask.
His lop-sided smile fades and he looks deep into me, his otherworldly eyes touching my deepest part with a single glance. "I made a mistake by not staying," he tells me, his voice barely above a whisper.
Oh, dear gods...no. No, not this, not this horrid emotion. This goddamned emotion that wounds and scars and kills mercilessly. Guilt. He feels guilt. He is trying his hardest to conceal it; but his eyes penetrate me too deeply, revealing all of him to me. He feels guilt for walking away from me. But he shouldn't; he can't. Not now, after it all is over and done with.
"No," I say, my voice pleading, "No, you didn't. I told you to go and you went...that is all." He averts his eyes from me. They are poisoned. They have been poisoned,-- his eyes, his soul, his heart--all poisoned by damned guilt. "Tasuki!" I say firmly, taking his face in my palms and making him look at me. He cannot crumble on me now. Not now. "If you had not left me, I could not have followed after you."
I don't have to force his eyes to meet mine. They gravitate toward me with or without the consent of his consciousness. He removes my fingers gently from his face and kisses them. "No, you couldn't have...could you?" he says. But it seems more like he is telling himself, reassuring himself instead of me. He kisses my fingertips again and again, making them burn and tingle under his lips.
"I followed after you because of something Asako said to me," I continue, "She told me that once I love a man, I would never be able to do anything else." I pause, seeing the older woman's face for a moment. "I realized that what she told me was true...and I got up and I ran." That is all; that is the truth.
His eyes drain the poison and look at me in amazement. I can tell he feels honored and flattered by what I just said; and I feel the skin on my cheeks fill with blood. Gods, he made me blush. "Really?" he asks, like a child who needs reassurance that the world is round.
I smile sweetly; like a lady, like a little girl, like a lover. "Really," I answer.
I will the guilt to dissipate within his chest; and I force it away from him, feeling it scatter across the room and seep out through the walls. It is strange how my soul is so aware of previously unseen and unknown things now, as if Tasuki's presence opened my eyes and ears to the otherworld, to the supernatural. I can sense, hear, and see more clearly than ever before. Perhaps it is because I love a man whose name is written in the sky; or perhaps it is because love in itself is a medium for the paranormal. But I know it is wise not to question these things, so I move my mind elsewhere. I focus on what awaits me when I leave this place, this city of beauty and rot, mixed together in a deadly potion of corruptness. Back to the place I was born--the mountain.
The mountain. I have forgotten so much of my life before this place, this city, the tavern, the brothel. Did I even have a life? My father could not support us. My mother labored in her dress shop day in and day out, then died bringing my brother into the world. My father gave his eldest daughter to a tavern master to pay off a debt, knowing what would become of her, knowing what she would become. Was that a life? Is this a life? Dear gods. What has my existence been about? The death of your beloved mother. The betrayal of your father. The pain of being forced into womanhood while still a child. The humiliation of being told that your body is the only thing of worth you possess. Not your mind, not your soul, not your heart-not the things that will die one day and fade away into nothingness. The humiliation of being told that your only talent is pleasing men with your body and your cunning words. Your body-- the thing the world sees, wants, pays you for, and fucks. The thing that will wither and rot away inevitably. It didn't take me long to figure out that the world only cares for the tangible. It has no need for the spiritual. What it can't see or touch, it believes doesn't exist. How sad. How hopeless. How pitiful. For me. And for those who believe otherwise.
At least Tasuki knows I love him. At least I have told him one last time. I could die now. I really wouldn't mind. It would be better, after all, if Tasuki didn't have me to distract him, to draw his attention away from his duty as a warrior of the priestess. If I could get away from my goddamned life. If I could start over. If only all of it could start over. Me--clean and new. A life unused, like a gown or a pair of newly- made slippers, ready for an owner. How perfect. I could choose a new name, pick a new place to live, build my life around my heart and my soul and my mind. Not my body. My body would be the last thing I'd worry about. Hell, I'd be happy to be a man! An ugly, old man consumed with a beautiful soul and filled to the brim with laughter and peace. As long as I had those things, I could live as anything.
I smile involuntarily. Tasuki sees and looks at me in amusement. I will never be able to rid myself of his eyes and his hair. Both are so unnatural, so unearthly, so beautiful. If only I could start over again with him. I could spend the whole of my life simply touching him and I would be happy. Dear gods, if only. If only. If only..
Then I realize what I was too stupid to let into my mind beforehand. I think to myself, you fool of a girl. Always so damn melodramatic! You never slow down and acutally think about what you're thinking! Start over with Tasuki? Do you not realize that that is what you'll do upon his return? You'll leave with him and go back to the mountain with him. You'll start your life over--with him. Fool. Think for once in your goddamn life!
Suddenly, I begin to laugh. It's a loud, deep laugh from the pit of my belly, sprouting from my throat like a fountain. I'll get to start over. No death. No hurt. Just leaving and beginning again. So fucking easy. I laugh and bury my face in Tasuki's chest, sucking his scent deep into my lungs every time I inhale. I make myself drunk off his smell. I intoxicate my body with him. I feel insane. I feel as if my mind has drifted away. And all I can do is laugh like a lunatic.
"What's so funny?" he asks, confusion and amusement mixed in his voice.
"I...it's...," I am so happy that I can't form a sentence, much less explain my revelation to him. My hope. Hope. Something that I have missed, something that I now treasure with all my being. I won't ever let this go, this feeling, this way of being. It's too perfect, too rare, too unimaginably beautiful.
So I kiss him, hoping that maybe my thoughts will leak from my mouth to his, and then into his heart. Save me, I tell him. Save me and be the one who's with me when I begin again.
"The mountain," I whisper into his open mouth, "Tell me about the mountain. It's been so long since I've seen it." I open my eyes to see him looking intently at me, pausing, cautious of me. He is hesitant to help my memories resurface. But I lean forward and press my cheek to his, feeling him instantly envelope me with his arms. Tell me, my mind begs.
I hear his lungs expand behind his ribs. They breathe deep, giving him strength to say the things he needs to tell me.
"Please tell me," I ask again, "I want to remember. So that when I see it again, I won't be afraid."
His eyes tell me no. No, I won't do it. I won't tear open a scab and cause the scar to be deeper, darker, and uglier once it heals again. But his dark green eyes blink, knowing how much I want to hear him speak to me, to tell me. He knows that I need to remember. I know that he knows.
"At night, it looks like a demon from far away," he begins slowly and gently; his deep voice is trying to be strong and unmoved for me. "It's so dark, it almost looks evil. And the crickets and cicadas make so much damn noise you wanna burn the whole mountain to ashes just to shut them up."
I feel my lungs expel a sigh of relief when his demeanor returns to where it should be. Nonchalant. Boisterous. Sarcastic. Happy. These are the things that made me love him. These are the things I want to remember about him if he never returns to me.
"But during the daytime, it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen," he says. I watch in fascination as his eyes stare far away, over my shoulder, through the wall of the room, and over the roads of Konan. To his mountain. His home. My home. He really can see it, I realize as I watch the gold in his eyes gleam like the sun. He can see the mountain. "It's mostly forest. So green and thick you need a sword to clear a path. And if you come back to that path a week later, it won't be there. It's alive, ya know. Sometimes if you just shut your mouth and listen, you can hear the damn thing breathing." He pauses again, but only for a moment. He soon resumes talking, every word soaked with longing. "And the smell. Hell, you can't ever get sick on a mountain. It's too clean, too undisturbed. Everything smells like trees and flowers. Everything seems too perfect, like it's Heaven or something. And when you're not there, you know you need to get back there as fast as you can."
His eyes blink again, and he glances at me, almost nervously. I only stare. My eyes cannot focus. They can see what he saw. The mountain, in front of me, calling to me like a mother calling for her lost child. I clench Tasuki's shoulders in longing. I'd do anything to get back there, to that place where everything is as it should be. And I hold back tears knowing that Tasuki will be the one to take me back. To take me home.
"Do you remember now?" he asks, taking my shoulders in his hands and pulling my shaking body down on top of his. He holds me to him so close that I can feel his blood flowing through his veins. I can feel his soul stirring inside of him, longing to be back on the mountain.
"Yes," I answer, "I remember."
A/N: Well, a somewhat happy chapter with just a touch of mushiness to make it sweet. ^_^
Hmmm, it looks like Tansho is pretty sure that she'll be going home with Tasuki once his mission is over. Will she? Or will Tasuki die and leave her all alone again? Or will she die and have him come back to nothing? *Iseult listens for the soft sound of approacing feet behind her, knowing a crazed assasin fan is coming to do her in.* Keep away, I warn you! Or else... I'll kill 'em both!!! Just kidding!! I know I know, I kid WAY too much. I'll stop.soon.maybe.
Big fat P.S.: I'm retaking the ACTs this Saturday, and the resulting score on the math section will determine whether or not I get into the college I want to attend next fall. So please, if you have any religion at all.pray for me!!! Thanks so much!! ^_^