Chapter 24: Echoes of eternal slumber

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters

Commander Jane Shepard sat in her chair and pulled off her boots. They were going to be running laps, and she needed to prepare. Standing and opening a drawer, she pulled out a brace designed to hold her left ankle in place.

I remember when I got this injury. It was the first night I met Danger. Of course, she was just Darla then… She was just Darla, and I was just Jane, and we were just a couple of crazy kids trying to play at being big gang bosses.

Jane chuckled and sat back in her seat.

She was right about me being scrawny and running all the time. I was supposed to deliver a message to Tattoo, the leader of the Calico Jacks gang. It was supposed to be fast and easy, in and out. They knew I was coming and were supposed to give me safe passage.

I'll never forget that day. That was the day I was taught a harsh lesson about betrayal. After I delivered my message, I learned that I was to be delivering a little more than just a datapad. I was a peace offering. My gang, the ones who were supposed to have my back, were slaving me out. I was barely old enough to understand what that even meant. I did understand enough to know that I needed to be anywhere but there, though. The Calico Jacks didn't count on me being so slippery or so fast, and they definitely didn't count on Darla Vance.

I ran as fast as I could, trying to make it back to safe territory, but my gang had turned on me. The shooting started, and I can barely even remember what happened after I turned away from them and ran into the unknown. I didn't even see the street drop off, and I got my ankle caught in a crevice. That's when she appeared, with a couple of her buddies. I'd never seen a more beautiful sight in my life. She was like an arch angel, come down from heaven with her wild blonde hair and her flaming assault rifle of judgement. She couldn't have been more than twenty nine at the time, but even in those days when she spoke, people listened. The Calico Jacks didn't want a war with the Vance family, and they backed off as soon as she claimed me.

Jane smiled at the memory. She had stayed on in with the Vance family, who were a division of the Reds, until she joined up with the Alliance. Darla had left soon after that, handing it over to her second in command, after saving the human Senator and embarking on her own adventures in mercenary life. It was a long time ago, but she loved those days. Darla ran a family, not a gang. When Jane said she wanted out, Darla let her out. That was it.

Jane started pulling on the brace. She didn't have to wear it all the time, but she did put in on when running in case she rolled her ankle. As long as she was wearing it, it usually wouldn't be severe enough to stop her from completing the exercise. She could push through a little bit of pain, and a little medigel afterward would heal it sufficiently well for her to continue her duties.

Boy we sure turned out differently, didn't we Danger? Sometimes I wish you had joined up with the Alliance too. It's not all bad, and some of the perks are really worth it. It would have been great to serve together on this mission, and you wouldn't be in the situation you are in now.

Slowly she laced the brace up her leg. Pulling it as tightly as she could, she tied it off and looked at her work.

That should be good enough. It's only a few laps on flat terrain. It will be fine.

She pulled her boot on over the brace, and laced that up as well.

You can barely see it. Perfect.

She was always worried about the crew seeing her weakness. Everyone counted on Jane Shepard to hold them together, and she had to be strong for them. She had to be strong for her friends. She had to be strong for the Alliance. She had to be strong for the universe. There was no other who could complete this task. She couldn't afford to let anyone see her one physical flaw.

I had better get moving. They will wonder what happened to me.

Commander Jane Shepard stood, rocked back and forth on her feet a few times to test the stability of the brace, and then headed out the door.

-Citadel, Alliance training section TR-06

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams already had the team doing laps by the time Jane made it to the track.

"Wow gunny, you didn't waste any time, did you?"

Williams shook her head. "You wanted to drill them, so I'm drilling them." She looked at the commander. "You planning to run a bit with them?"

"You bet I am. Let's do an hour long session, and then give them a break."

"All right, Commander. Get your ass in gear!"

Jane grinned at her officer, and then jogged out to take her place next to Wrex and Garrus.

"Hey Commander, what's going on?" Garrus asked.

"Not whole a lot, Garrus. How are you all doing with the laps?"

"Well, Wrex and I don't mind it, but I think Tali and Liara are plotting revenge against Williams. Alenko is holding up, but the chief is probably going to pull him out before his head explodes."

Jane chuckled. The quarian and the asari were both more interested in exercises of the mind, and she wasn't surprised that they weren't thrilled about the laps. Still, it was a good way to get physically fit, and it was one of Jane's favorite things to do. She didn't get to run very often now, having ascended the ranks, but every now and again she liked to get outside and have a good long jog.

She closed her eyes, and fell into a rhythm next to her turian and krogan friends. The three of them easily circled the track, passing the asari and quarian several times. Williams pulled Alenko out shortly after Jane went in. It was clear that his head was bothering him, and she didn't want him to have an incident.

Williams would make an excellent commanding officer. She's got all the right traits, and her heart is in the right place. I wish we could move beyond holding people responsible for what their ancestors did. I need to put in a report about her. She has been an invaluable member of the team and should be recognized for it.

Jane closed her eyes and moved her head along with the rhythmic sounds their boots made on the ground. It was hypnotic, and she felt like she was back in basic again, the drill sergeants shouting instructions to the new recruits. She loved military life, and silently thanked whatever god or goddess was listening for the opportunity to serve in the Alliance Navy. It had truly changed her life.

I can almost forget about what I have to do; about what my mission is.

She opened her eyes back up. No, she could never forget about her mission. Her reprieve from it was coming to a close. They would have to move on, and she would have to hope that these war games and the brief training would be enough.

It has to be enough. I can't train this crew forever, and I can't keep them forever, either. Eventually they will want to move on and get back to their own missions, their own worlds.

She felt a small pain in her chest at that thought.

I wonder if Liara will move on too, or will she stay with me?

She looked at the asari up ahead, jogging slowly next to the quarian. They sure did look like they were plotting some sort of revenge against the gunnery chief. Tali kept pointing at her Omni-tool, and Liara would look over, and either nod or shake her head.

I wonder what those two are up to… the strongest biotic and the best hacker is a dangerous combination…

They passed the two again, and Jane nodded to Liara as she ran by. The asari smiled and reached out to gently squeeze the commander's arm. Jane closed her eyes again and lost herself in the rhythm.

She would stay. Either that or I would go. I know exactly what you meant before, Danger. I know why you would give it all up to sit on a bench in the middle of nowhere on a planet so far from home. I'd give it all up too, if she asked it of me. I'd do anything she asked of me.

Jane lost herself in the trance-like movements, and she felt her head becoming light.

I'd go anywhere you asked, make a life anywhere you chose. I'd leave behind the military forever. It's just empty if I can't be near you.

She thought she heard the sound of a far off droning.

It's just the electricity in the Citadel.

She opened her eyes and skillfully navigated the corner, pulling ahead of Wrex and Garrus, whom she sensed were starting to get a bit winded.

I'd give you anything, anything at all. We wouldn't waste any more time. Things would fall into place for us, Liara. We'd have it all. Danger will meet someone too, and we'll all go out and have great times together. Hell, we can raise our kids together. It will be perfect…

The drone, the buzzing, was starting to get louder…

Maybe they are working on fuses or something. Don't focus on that, focus on the future. You'll stop Saren's mad plot, and then be free to explore the galaxy, taking her to even the most remote corners to unearth her beloved Prothean treasures. It will be a splendid life.

The buzzing was starting to reverberate in her head.

Gosh, what is wrong with me?

Jane felt herself falling, but it wasn't like when she'd invert her ankle. Something was blacking out her consciousness, and all she could see was sorrow and despair. Something was pulling her out of herself, and insisting she take part in events not her own. Something was taking over Jane Shepard's mind… And there was nothing she could do to stop it.

-Visions

Somehow, I knew. I knew what would happen, and I didn't fight hard enough to stop it, try hard enough to convince myself to take action. I wasted time, so much time, and now there is nothing to make up for the loss.

I'm on my knees, cursing the Goddess for the injustice. There are a million 'if onlys' and a million 'I would haves' and yet for all of them, I have nothing. I allowed this to occur, and I will suffer for eternity in guilt for it.

"She left us here alone, Little Wing. She's not coming back, and we have to be strong. I let this happen, I let her be ripped from us, and I am so very sorry. You will never know what I have done. You deserve better than to know what your mother did, what she is capable of. You deserve so much better. You deserve… her."

I stand and make my way to the window to look out at the sky. My daughter slumbers in her bed, completely unaware of the monster in the room just a few feet away. I curse the stars, and the cool night air, and the ancient civilizations that she chased, all for me. She chased them down, all for me, and in a fit of jealousy and rage at her lengthy absence; I made the decision that cost me a piece of my soul. I can no longer feel her, as I once did when she lived. I can no longer hear the echo of her thoughts, which were always of me and our child. I can no longer sense her longing; her desire to return to us.

All I know now is cold and darkness, and yet I cannot lie down and allow eternal slumber to take me. I am not afraid; I know I have forfeited my place in the eternal light because of my inaction. I took everything from her, and gave nothing in return, not even allowing her the joys of watching her only child grow. I took everything from her, without her permission, and when she called for me, I ignored it until it was too late. I was such a fool, thinking in my insanity that she was just fine. Something spoke in my thoughts and caused me to leave the missive unopened and untouched until it was too late. I will forever live with the guilt and pain of what I did; what I was too weak to prevent.

I am at peace with the knowledge that no bright stars wait to pave my way into the halls of my mothers. Yet I must continue, for the least I can do is raise her only child until she is strong enough to stand on her own, and then I may fade into the nothingness that I deserve.

"My Little Wing, you shall never know what a monster I am." I lightly brush my child's forehead, and I feel her linking up with my mind. She is too young to understand my scattered thoughts, so I don't fight her. It feels so much like my lost love. This child is so much like her; she bears the mark of the ancient demon, and someday she will have the same eternal link with a lover of her own choice. I pray, that when the time comes, she doesn't make the same mistakes her mother did. I pray that she doesn't waste time, and she never loses faith. I pray that she is a better woman than I. I pray that she is more like… more like her.

"My Little Wing, I am sorry for taking her from you. None of this is your fault. It's all my fault, the fault of a lonely and weak woman who succumbed to whisperings instead of responding to her lover's call for help. The burden falls to my shoulders, not yours, Little Wing. Not yours. Sleep, my child. Sleep now, and dream of pleasant things. This will be my last night of mourning, and come the morrow, we will begin our lives anew."

I sink into the chair next to where my perfect daughter now slumbers, and weep for the last time in my life.

-Normandy, Sickbay

"She's coming around. Dr. Chakwas, she's coming around!" Tali gestured wildly to the bed the commander was occupying.

"Ow, what the hell happened to me?"

Commander Jane Shepard awakened to find Liara holding her hand, and the rest of the crew standing around her bed.

"Move everyone, please, give her some room." The doctor came to Jane's side and started scanning her with some sort of tool the commander didn't recognize.

"What's all that about, Doc?"

"Hmmm. Commander, there's… There something I think we should talk about in private."

Jane sat up on the bed and nodded. Liara hesitated for a moment, but Jane gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, and the asari got up to leave with the crew.

"Commander, there's something unusual with your brain patterns."

No shit…

"What do you mean, Doc?"

"I can't explain it. Have you been feeling out of sorts? Have you been...? I don't know how to ask this without it seeming silly. Have you been seeing anything unusual lately?"

The commander looked at the ship's doctor, and bit her lower lip.

Can I trust her? Will she take it right back to the Alliance and have me declared unfit for duty?

"I'm not really sure that I should be talking to you about my bad dreams, Doctor."

"Jane, this isn't about the alliance or any of their politicking. I'm worried about you. These scans indicate activity in parts of the brain never indicated in humans. We've never seen this sort of pattern before. Now I know something is going on, but I don't know what."

Jane considered the other woman for a moment, and then decided it best to be truthful, if a little vague.

"Look, I've been having these visions. It's almost like echoes from the past or something. I think it has something to do with that beacon. None of it is very clear." Jane shook her head, and scrunched up her face.

"Hmm. Well whatever it is, it's gone now. You are back to normal, for the moment. How many of these visions have you had?" The doctor looked worried, but curious.

"Maybe four?"

"Can you remember what you were doing when you had them?"

She thought about it, and nodded. "Well, the first one was in the comm room. It was after one of our war games, and it was after everyone had left. Well, that's not quite right. Liara had hung back and we talked a little."

Right, better not mention the… other… stuff.

"Then I passed out in a chair, and that was the first vision. The next one was after I got hit in the head with some spinning disc thingy. Liara was trying to control it, but I guess it got away from her. Danger and Tali tended to me, but while I was knocked out I remember seeing something. Then the next one was a dream. I was asleep with… Well I was asleep and it just kind of came. And now this one is the fourth, and I blacked out just after passing Liara on the track. The last thing I remember was her squeezing my arm, and then I woke up here."

The doctor looked thoughtful. Quietly she said, "Jane, do you see the pattern?"

"Pattern? Well I see that I have some really rotten luck and a history of getting knocked in the head."

"It doesn't take a doctor to put this together, Commander. The one recurring theme in your visions is contact with Liara T'Soni."

Jane Shepard closed her eyes. Even with her omitting key elements of the story, the brilliant doctor had put it together.

"Ok, and what if that is the 'recurring theme'? What of it?"

"Well, I suppose that depends on what exactly the visions are of. Do you remember them?"

"I remember them, but I'm not really sure what it is I'm seeing."

"Maybe you should ask her to help with them. She might be able to identify them."

Jane shook her head. "You know, I may not be entirely sure what I am seeing, but I know enough to realize that would be a really bad idea."

"You will have to do something, Commander. You can't let them black you out in the field, if you happen to have the asari in your squad and the two of you come into accidental contact."

Jane Shepard rubbed her eyes. "Yea, I know. Listen thanks for patching me up. I think I have an idea. I know someone who might be able to help me sort this out. Is there anything else, Doc?"

The doctor put her scanner on a nearby table and shook her head. "You're cleared for duty. But Jane, please figure out what this is and handle it. I don't want to see you back in here with real damage because of an uncontrolled vision."

"Right, I understand Doc. Don't worry about it."

Jane Shepard hopped off the table, and headed outside, where the crew was waiting for her.

"I'm all right you guys, I'm all right." She rubbed her head. "I guess that disc I took to the face was a little more serious than I thought. Everyone head back to your posts. We're going to take tomorrow off, and see about getting some weapons upgrades and other things."

The crew turned to leave, but Liara lingered. "That means you too, Liara. I'm fine, really."

The asari nodded, and smiled sadly at the commander. She wanted to embrace the human, or make some sort of contact, but she sensed that Jane had a wall up. Something was wrong, and the commander was blocking her out in particular. She decided to let Jane have her space.

"Ok Jane. Come find me if you want to talk."

Jane just nodded and cocked her head to the side, adjusting her earbud as she watched the young scientist walk away.

"Joker, set a course for Feros. I have some business there."

"You got it Commander."