Chapter 25

I sit awkwardly in the stone garden, just waiting for the other participant of this little chit-chat to arrive. Though similar to the garden we last spoken, in a way that it is a garden, this one has less grass and more benches. The statues surrounding me are both beautiful and menacing; they are perfect and yet their faces are all twisted in some sort of emotion. Elation, sadness, pain, remorse... all of that and a bag of chips. I'm not really an emotional person. Keeping my eyes off them, I try to be cool about it. Rubbing my thighs, I tap my feet and purse my lips impatiently.

I was totally unprepared to talk to Dwalin yesterday and told him as such. Jumping in head first... it's not my thing. As such, the dwarf told me to meet him here today, yesterday's tomorrow, but he's late. I'm in the right place, I'm certain, and he isn't Thorin so I doubt he's lost. This is kind of important and his timing is as if we are having a friendly brunch. I'm not here to make friends.

"I don't need this!" Standing up with a shout, I immediately sit back down with the huff. The statues are judging me "Yes, I do."

I wish I didn't need this but I do and I've accepted that bitter sweet truth. Call it a weakness, i sure do, but I need Dwalin. Yippee. I also need him to show up! Rising to my feet again angrily, I clench my fist and yell into the sky.

"Dwalin, where the hell are you, you king fondling blow hard?!"

"E-excuse me?!"

"Oh. Hi." Standing not 20 feet away, is not the guard I've been waiting for. Nope. It's a frowning Bilbo Baggins and boy oh boy does he look scandalized. He's carrying a bundle of books and I suppose, from the direction he's moving, that he's going to return them to the library "Didn't see you there."

"You-"

"Have you seen Dwalin?" I cut him off before the lecture can start. I'll make a break for it if I have to. He might be sure footed and quiet but I can make a run for my money "If you didn't hear, I'm looking for him."

"Yes-"

"Yes, you saw him?"

"N-no-"

"No, you didn't hear?"

"Ye- no- I...I have NOT seen him however I DID hear your... VULGAR description of just who you were looking for."

"Ah..."

"I assure you-" Shaking his head and looking down right horrified, the hobbit wags his finger at me "You'll be finding no one by that description within this company!"

"But... Didn't you call them a 'nefarious' group of kidnappers on the second day you met?" The hobbit stumbles over his words but I shake my head with a smile "And please, let's be honest. We both know, or at least suspect, that Thorin and Dwalin have totally bumped uglies on some late drunken night."

"Wha-"

"And who do you think was on the bottom? I mean I can't imagine Thorin being topped because he's... I don't, a king and all...but Dwalin on the bottom? Oh my goodness!"

"Farseer Bloodstone, please!" Hunching his shoulders to try and look smaller than he already is, Bilbo gives me a worried look "They are cousins!"

"Oh... yeah..." placing my hand to my chin I think about how that would play out and decide it's not really important for the joke at hand "Kissing cousins maybe. Royals inbreed all the time in the name of purity."

"Oh... oh dear... If he hears you... Master Dwalin would-"

"-serve his King in any way he could." spying the late comer, I wave at him eagerly. "Isn't that right, Dwalin? You would give Thorin a... Helping HAND if he asked, right?"

"Of course." He answers before frowning at Bilbo's sour face. Ha. Reputation ruined, dwarfie pooh "Did ye need something, halfling?"

"Oh... n-no..." I give him the 'you know what it is' eyebrow lift and he grimaces "Not at all.."

"Then off with ye."

We wait for Bilbo to scamper away before getting down to business. The dwarf sits on the bench opposite of me and places a bundle of clothes beside him. He rests on the edge of the bench with his forearms laid out on his thighs and his hands clasped together on his knees. He seems... Nervous.

"Why don't... You start?" His eyes raise to meet mine at my suggestion but I just shrug. "You called this meeting and we both get the gist of my problems so..."

"I suppose that is fair..." Clearing his throat, the dwarf sits up a little straighter "Yet as I have said, nothing has broken my spirit."

"Oh please. And nothing's ever even so much as annoyed you?"

"Of course it has."

"Ok. Ok then... We could start there."

"All right. What would ye like to know?"

"Uh... Has anyone ever stolen a girlfriend of yours or anything like that?"

"Girl... friend?"

"Love interest."

"My One perished before I was old enough to peruse her. The interest has never been aroused again."

"Thats... um.. ok... M-m-maybe some cousin played too much grab ass with you as kids?"

"What?"

"Something has to have gone wrong for you."

"I-"

"I don't believe that it hasn't." folding my legs, I tap my knee softly "I do not believe that you have lived this long and nothing has ever shaken you up. Maybe not to the degree of needing an 'only' but I'm sure you have your fair share of issues."

"... Alright... I have a brother."

"Going out in a limb here and saying Balin."

"Quite the farseer." Rolling my eyes, I wait for him to continue "He is my elder brother and... has a duty. It should... It would be his duty but it has been unfortunately passed over to me."

"I take it you don't want that... Duty?"

"I have neither the time, means, or motivation to see it completed other than the fact that it is now mine to compete." looking into the faces of stone around us, the dwarf debates over his words. It's the strangest thing to watch: someone choosing what and what not to reveal "I have given my life to my king, as has my brother in his way, however... An advisor is more worthy of sovereignty than a Kingsmen."

"... What does that even mean?"

"It means that my brother and I each took an officiated oath to dedicate our lives to our king. Yet, each oath in our culture requires varying sacrifice in respect to the positions vitality. Balin's position is... more important than my own. As such his sacrifice was greater and disavows him to the duty given by birth."

"But then what did your vow to Thorin sacrifice? And Balin's for that matter?"

"I will not speak of them, but know that they are very much unalike."

"So a different sacrifice meaning... It forces Balin's duty to become... yours?"

"That is correct."

"That doesn't sound like something Balin would do... Have you tried talking to him?"

"He is aware that the task is now mine but he does not know that such a task is impossible for me to complete."

"Why?"

"I could never burden him with the knowledge of it."

"... Do you blame him for it?" I whisper the words just in case they are true, or just in case they are not. It's a big thing to openly blame someone for your unhappiness. It's even worse to blame them in your heart and not even know it "You wouldn't be in this position if he had just fulfilled his own obligations."

"... I love my brother yet I hate the impossible task I have been given because of him."

The dwarf examines the cracks in the walkway as I let the words sink in. I do not know what task has been pawned off onto him but I think not being able to complete it is what bothers him most. I guess it makes him a failure, and not only in his own eyes, but in those of his family. Turning my eyes to the rolling clouds above, I can accept it. That sounds like the sort of thing that would bother him.

"How do you know it's impossible?"

"It is."

"But how do you-"

"IT. IS." Climbing to his feet, the dwarf begins to pace before me. Whatever this is, it bothers him, a lot. Knowing this, all I want is to selfishly know more. Straightening up, I watch him as he displays an uncharacteristic show of agitation "If it were possible, I would try. It being my duty, I would try... but it is not! Balin could have, SHOULD have but... Now we are here."

"... I get it. An impossible task."

"Do you believe so, Farseer Bloodstone?"

"Yes, I get it."

"..."

"I have a sister."

"Your twin."

"Look who is the seer now." Sighing deeply the dwarf comes back to sit down. Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I grimace at the story in my head "Yes, my twin. Anita Marcy Bloodstone. Even our names are identical."

"Rhyming names show familiarity."

"Yeah well... Yeah. So... I was given... An ultimatum because of her. Basically it stated 'do this or she gets that.' I was given that choice over and over... And over again." rubbing a hand across my stomach, I watch the dwarfs eyes squint at the movement. Mumbling about my stitches for good measure while smiling mercilessly, I shake my head "Funny thing is, neither option was ever really in her favor... But the first time... The first time it was in mine."

"..."

"I was given the choice to get in the van or to watch HIM put a bullet through my sister's skull."

"...Van... Bullet..."

"You don't need to know what vans or bullets are to know what I had to choose."

"He would have killed her if you didn't comply."

"Yup. Walk away and let my sister die or stay and slowly wish that I was."

"..."

"It wasn't really my choice anymore after that. I had to choose what was best for her, even if it wasn't what was best for me."

I remember that day like it was yesterday. Anita laying in the van doorway with that gun at her head. She was so scared that she couldn't even cry. She just... sat there with her eyes wide. Not that I can complain, I didn't know what to do either. I wanted to run but I couldn't leave her. But I knew... I knew what ever I chose... would changed my life forever. It did.

"There never really was a choice."

"You always have a choice."

"If you hadn't agreed to take on Balin's burden would he have been able to achieve his dream? Would you be willing to sacrifice him for yourself?

"... No."

"Then you see, I really didn't have much of a choice but to save her." I drag my feet across the ground repeatedly. Gripping the edge of the seat, I leaned back as far as possible with the loud sigh escaping my lips "Everything... Every CHOICE I made after that was for her. So yeah... In my own seriously weird way, I get it."

"Do you regret it? Do you regret saving her? Living... choosing for her?"

"Never. We love our siblings, even when they put us in impossible situations."

The wind blows and the birds chirp. The brooks babble and leaves rustle. Voices whisper just far enough away to be indistinct but none of that matters. It doesn't matter because it does not change the facts. The facts that I love Anita and Dwalin loves Balin. The fact that we hate the situations we are in but acknowledge that we are in them. It's a nice little boat we have found ourselves in... But being stranded on a dingy after a shit storm is better than swimming in the aftermath.

"How did you know I was your only?"

"... When we first met I was in the woods. All of a sudden I felt this horribly painful pulling sensation. It was so strong that it brought me to my knees." he closes his eyes as if he could see the memory playing behind them. His fists clench repeatedly and he presses one into his chest, clearly in pain "I feared that if I did not go toward it that my very soul would be torn from my body and shredded into nothingness..."

"But how did you KNOW? How did you know you were having a heart attack? How did you know that you had to find ME?"

"I simply knew what you were to me when I saw you there. Lying against that tree I knew that you were just as torn and shredded and broken as I would be if I did not find you."

"Sounds like something grossly romantic."

"It was not love. It was not lust. It was just... Need. I knew I needed you because I knew you were the only one who could keep me from feeling that way again."

It's his choice of words that alert me to the fact that he isn't telling the whole truth. He didn't want to feel that way again. Again. He felt that way before. He had felt broken and torn over something before. That worries me. It's like he says, I cannot heal what I don't know exists. I want to force the issue but I don't think he'd let me. In fact he immediately changes the subject.

"What kind of person is your sister?"

"... The kind that enters a van to help a supposedly seizing man without waiting for backup." Shrugging my shoulders, I'm nod at him "What kind of person is your brother?"

"The kind that would give up life and limb in hope of a better life for his kin."

"... Big-hearted fools, the both of them." The dwarf grunts at my joke before lifting an eyebrow as I stand to my feet "Enough for today, we need to prepare to head out soon."

"Soon? You have seen this?" I nod as he stands because of course I have "And the moon runes? Have you seen what they reveal?"

"All will be revealed in due time, grasshopper." Raising my hand palm out, I wave it in a mystical arch that does not impress or amuse the dwarf "I mean come on... It's already been revealed to me but I like watching you suffer. I thought we talked about this."

"Farseer-"

"See you later." I call as I jog away. I'm just about ready to drop. Who cares if it's only mid-afternoon? I've been physically doing jack diddly squat for the past week. I'm beat. "At dinner maybe."

"Perhaps after a bath." He mumbles and I decide right then not to come out of my room until dinner time. I'm scarred enough as is "Now where is that fountain..."

Why hello there! Dwalin and Atina have had another little talk. Rivendell is almost through and we're going to start moving again. Get ready for it. Also they're going to be some big changes in my life and after the end of July I probably won't be posting for a quite some time. As such I'll try to get out as much of the story as I can before then.