Dean set to his task right after work, that Thursday. It took him all night, and involved a lot of self doubt and over twenty crumpled up papers tossed towards the general area of the trashcan in his bedroom. But by the time morning broke, Dean was awarded for his persistence. He had finished. Nervousness (and lack of sleep, he supposed) shook his fingers as he held the letter in his hand, turning it this way and that in his grasp as he tried to summon up the courage to do what he was about to do.

Written words always meant so much to Castiel. The boy had lived with the company of books for most of his life, and he knew the power that words could provide. Dean had carefully chosen the best way to reach out to Castiel, thinking over and over as he wrote and tossed out papers. He put himself in Castiel's shoes, and worked incredibly hard to write what he knew Castiel needed to read.

He just hoped it was enough.

"Dean?" Sam's voice called out from the doorway to the bedroom. Dean's head whipped towards the source of his brother's voice. Sammy was in his pajamas, his brown hair (which was growing quite long) sticking out every which way, messy with sleep. He was staring at Dean with surprised green eyes. "Have you been up all night?" the teen asked, noticing that Dean hadn't changed out of his clothes, and that his bed had not been slept in, sheets still made (something that Dean did to procrastinate on writing his letter).

Dean looked at the alarm clock in his room, checking the time. It was already six o'clock. "Yeah," he replied, knowing it would be useless to lie to his little brother. "Yeah- hey, you want breakfast?" Dean asked, getting up from his chair and placing the letter on his desk, carefully.

Sam was quiet for a moment. "Sure," he replied, and Dean felt all his tidal wave of emotions calm at the sight of his brother's smile. For the first time in a long time, a grin found its way to Dean's face. A true, real grin.

"Alright. Lemme get changed. Eggs and bacon sound good?"

Castiel noticed the white envelope among the mail right away once he got home from school on Friday. It was creased from being folded, and it stood out like a sore thumb among the rest of the fancy, official-looking envelopes held in Castiel's hands. When Castiel had walked into his home, he separated it from his dad's mail, looking hesitantly at the front.

That's when his heart began racing. Scrawled in a blue pen was his name, the slanted writing looking eerily familiar.

He knew what this was. And everything within Castiel told him to throw it away, and forget about it. But his curiosity eventually took over as he rushed to his room, letter in hand. It didn't have any stamps, Castiel noticed as he sat on his bed. Dean had been to his house. Dean didn't want to risk anybody else seeing it.

Swallowing back his pounding heart, Castiel's shaking fingers slid under the fold of the letter, gently ripping open the seam. Once he had done that, he seemed to be unable to move, consumed with fear. What was he about to read?

His heartbeat was loud in his ears as the dark-haired teen pulled out the thick paper contents of the envelope. There was about three sheets of notebook paper folded into one another, also creased irregularly and looking as if the owner of them had almost crumbled and tossed them away.

When Castiel unfolded the paper, his suspicions had been confirmed. It had definitely been written by Dean. The messy, cursive like scrawl could belong to none other than the blond teenager.

So, mustering up his courage, Castiel read.

Cas,

Please don't throw this away when you see it. I know you probably should- I know that you've got every right to. But just please don't.

This was the only way I knew how to contact you. I wish I could say all of this to you in person, but, as we both know, that's not really possible at the moment… but it needs to be said, Cas. I need you to know this, because you deserve to know this.

I screwed up real bad. I messed things up and I know I damn well deserve the silent treatment, so I don't blame you, or anything. I'm not mad, and I know you'll try and find ways to blame yourself for this. It was my fault, though, okay? Not yours. But this isn't about me.

What I did to you was unforgivable. You have every right to be upset, I know. But I need you to understand that I fucking regret it. I regret hurting you, Cas. It's the only thing that I've ever truly regretted doing in my entire life.

I miss you, man. Hell, I miss you a lot. Not one freaking day goes by where I don't wish that I had a time machine so I could just erase what I did. You didn't deserve that, not at all. It wasn't fair for you- especially since you tried so hard to just make me happy. The whole thing with Meg… Cas, I know that I encouraged you to go for her. But, honestly, I just fucking suck at this kind of thing. I didn't want you to go for her, Cas. I mean, I guess that's obvious, now. But I just wanted you for myself. I wanted to be with you. But I didn't think you felt the same. I got scared, and I've never been so scared, before. I've never felt unsure. But you got me feeling all that stuff and I didn't know how to handle it. That's why I tried to distract myself with Pamela.

About Pam, though… Cas, we broke up. Like, a while before Charlie's party. I'm not really gonna go into the details of that, but it did have to do with you. It had to do with me wanting you. And at the party I wanted to tell you how I felt- how I still feel- but I chickened out. Then I planned to tell you, again. I had convinced Sammy to go stay at Andy's house, and I was gonna have you come over for a movie and that's when I was going to tell you. I thought you deserved the privacy to say yes or no. That was when Meg happened.

Cas, I overreacted. I was shocked, even though I probably shouldn't have been. It was bad timing, I guess. I waited too long, and I shoulda just sucked it up and let you be happy. I shouldn't have yelled at you like I did. I was just ready to tell you. I was ready to grow some fucking balls and tell you that I wanted us to be together. And I was just, I guess I was guilty for waiting so long. And when we kissed, I was confused. It doesn't justify what I did. Nothing ever can. But I wasn't thinking.

I guess all I can really say is I'm sorry.

That map I gave you… I don't know if you still have it, but it doesn't matter because I've memorized it. Cas, I still wanna do all that. I know it's fucking more than I deserve, but you're the only person I've ever told about that. You're the only one I ever could tell.

All those places I marked- I know this will sound cheesy as hell, but you have no idea how many times I've laid awake at night picturing us going to those cities. Hell, I had already decided what music we'd listen to on the road, and I'd let you look through the cassette tapes even though I never even let Sam do that and we'd eat a shit ton of burgers whenever you wanted them because I know they're your favorite, and we'd just fucking drive forever without worrying about any of the crap here at Lawrence. I want to do that. It's the only thing I've ever really wanted to do. And I could never picture doing it with anybody else. I don't think I'd be able to stand being around anyone for that long. But I wouldn't mind with you. It would be fun with you.

I don't need you to forgive me, Cas. I don't deserve that, and you don't have to give it- or deal with me, for that matter. You don't even have to talk to me. I don't want anything out of this- that's not why I'm writing this dumb letter at four fucking a.m. That's not why I'm doing this. If we never end up being friends, again, then I know that's my fault, and my fault alone. What I'm writing this for is so that you know that I care about you. I will always care about you. I want you to understand how amazing you really are, and that you shouldn't let assholes like me ruin that. I want you to know that you can do so much. You can be so much. People care about you, Cas. They do, even if you might not realize it. People love you. And with everything we've been through… you're the best friend I've ever had. No matter how this might end up. You're my best friend.

What we had was real, Cas. I don't know what the hell it was, but I meant it all. I cared about you, and I still do. None of what went on between us is fake just because of some stupid mistake I made. It doesn't affect all we've done and shared. Because that was real. Remember when we sat outside at school and you told me about your mom? Remember how I said I'd always be there, and that you can count on me? Well, I meant it. I meant every bit of it.

Anyways… well, I guess this is goodbye, or whatever. I don't know, I just needed some kind of closure, and you deserved some, too. I'm gonna leave you alone, now… I just wanted you to know that I still care and always will care, okay? You deserved better, though, and I know that so I'm just gonna stop bothering you at class (sorry about that).

Well… I don't really know what else to say. I really hope you read this.

Bye, Cas.

-Dean

It took a while before Castiel realized his jaw had been hanging open. When he closed it, the letter in his hand blurred as tears obstructed his vision. Castiel wiped at his eyes, then read the letter two more times. He ran his fingers over the writing- over the paper that Dean had held and probably stared intensely at as he poured his heart out with nothing to show but blue pen and crossed out words on crumpled paper.

Dean…

Swallowing back his tears, Castiel slowly folded the letter, holding onto the papers as he ran through what he just read. Dean was sorry. He truly was, and there was no way that Castiel could deny that, now.

Castiel looked up at the map Dean had given him. It was hanging up on the wall next to his bed (he could never bring himself to take it down). Dean's writing was all about the giant paper, labelling cities and circling spots with red pen. This had been Dean's most vulnerable secret. He still wanted to share it with Castiel, even after everything that had happened.

Castiel's head was spinning and he couldn't even believe what he had read. He couldn't believe this was real. So he unfolded the paper and read it one more time before folding it back up neatly and placing it over his heart as he stared at the map, a weak smile lifting the corners of his lips.

What the hell was he still doing here?

Adrenaline rushing through his veins, Castiel jumped off his bed and sprinted out the door.

Dean was pouring some spaghetti for Sam when the doorbell rang. His eyebrows furrowed as he finished pouring, and he put Sam's bowl down in front of him. "You expecting anyone?" he asked, glancing at the door. It was nearly nighttime, and the Winchesters were home alone. Dean had taken a sick day off from work, too tired from his lack of sleep. He wanted to make amends with Sam, too. So, as soon as they got home, Dean had set to making him dinner as a start.

Sam shook his head, brown hair flopping as he did so. His eyes were wide. "No," he whispered in response.

Licking his lips, Dean tried to calm his heart. "Stay here," he ordered before walking to the front door, brandishing a cooking knife and ready to pounce if need be.

What he saw at the other side of the cherry red door was what he least expected.

Castiel was standing there with his cheeks, nose, and ears flushed red from cold. His blue eyes were wild and his hair was a mess, clothes askew. Puffs of white left his mouth as he panted. He had been running. He wasn't even wearing a jacket, so Dean came to the conclusion that the teen had been in a rush.

"Cas," Dean gasped out, not sure what else to say. His eyes were probably bugging out with shock, and he could barely move, his hand frozen on the door with the other one grasping the cooking knife.

Castiel glanced down at the kitchen utensil. "I know we have not been on the best of terms, but I do not believe a knife is necessary," he panted out, eyes connecting with Dean's.

Dean blushed, tossing the knife onto a table near the door. "I, uh-"

"We need to talk," Castiel spoke, and his voice was monotonous, steady and emotionless.

Dean wanted to invite Castiel in, but he felt that would be a little awkward. He heard Sam's voice behind him. "Is that Cas?" the younger Winchester asked.

"Sam, stay inside," Dean told him, turning around to face his brother. "I'll be right back," he spoke before stepping outside with Castiel, closing the door behind him.

The two teens just stared at each other for a while, the sunset and street lamps providing them light. It was silent for an eerie amount of time. Then Dean spoke.

"So… I guess you got the-uh, the letter," he murmured, scratching at the back of his neck with embarrassment. He had dropped off the letter after school before picking Sammy up from Science Club. Dean may or may not have spent five straight minutes freaking out by Castiel's mailbox, taking out the letter then putting it back in. The fact that Castiel would be home soon was what eventually got Dean to leave the letter and haul ass out of there.

Castiel nodded. "I did," he spoke stiffly.

"Oh," Dean replied, looking at the ground. He wanted to disappear.

"It was stupid," Castiel retorted, catching Dean by surprise as the blond met his eyes.

He suddenly felt angry. The goddamned letter that he had spent all night writing was stupid? Dean had poured his friggin' heart out into that thing! He had gone through multiple freak outs and had thrown away a shit ton of paper trying to get the words down the best he could. And all Castiel could say was that it was stupid?

Dean scowled. "Well, sorry it didn't suit your fancy, Cas," Dean replied, blushing at Castiel's intense gaze. "But it's kinda the best I've got, and I did mean everything I wrote," Dean snapped, crossing his arms, now. "You woulda known that a whole lot sooner if you'd freaking let me tell you in person."

Castiel huffed out a breath, looking down at the floor. He was silent for a few moments. When he looked back at Dean, his eyes had gone from emotionless to pleading. "I'm sorry about what I did. I know I went out of bounds, and… it was unreasonable, and inappropriate," Castiel told him. It took Dean a moment to realize he was talking about the kiss. "I just… I don't know what came over me, but I can assure you it won't happen, again. You don't have to pretend to feel the same way just so we can make amends," he rambled as he searched Dean's eyes, keeping a space between them that made Dean's heart grow cold and his body ache for Castiel's.

Suddenly, Dean grew silent. He couldn't find his voice. His arms fell to his sides, and he gazed at Castiel. This was it. He needed to tell him. There was no turning back after this- there was no second chance. If you don't act now, you'll never have him.

"I mean… i-if you want… we could just try and go back to how things were," Castiel murmured, looking away from Dean, now. "We could just pretend that this never happened."

Dean swallowed, not sure what to say. If he just agreed with Castiel, now, everything could go back to normal. Dean could be the straight ladie's man and get together with girls and then later on down the road he could start a family and be the man his father expected him to be. He could be normal- no more worrying about what people would think, and he would just fit in. He wouldn't have to grow attached to Castiel, and he wouldn't have to feel broken when he ends up moving and leaving him behind. No more feeling like crap and drinking away his problems. No more pining after something he couldn't have. No more constantly being afraid. He wouldn't have to go through any more pain if he lost Castiel, again. But that was not what he wanted. And when Dean tried to say that, he found that his throat tightened in protest, not letting him.

"Dean… please, say something," Castiel begged, seeming to back away even more, now, as his face grew red with embarrassment. When Dean didn't respond, his lip quivered before he bit on it and looked down at the floor, again. He didn't lift his head up when he spoke. "You're the first and best friend I've ever had, Dean," Castiel murmured as he glanced up at the blond teen and then looked to the side. "I-I'm sorry, I messed this up, it's my fault. This is dumb, I'm wasting your time- I'll just go, now," Castiel spoke shakily as he took another step back and turned around, leaving Dean speechless at the front door.

Now. Go get him, now. Don't fuck this up, Dean, just don't fuck this up.

Castiel was down the driveway. He walked fast down the sidewalk, not looking back as he disappeared from Dean's sight, swallowed in twilight.

No. This was not what Dean wanted. He needed Cas, he-

Damnit, he fucking loved him.

Feeling adrenaline kick-start within him, Dean sprinted down his driveway, not bothering to lock the door behind him (something his father would kick his ass for) as he ran after Cas (something else his dad would definitely kick his ass for).

There was just no fucking winning, in this situation. At this point, Dean could give less of a crap. This was about his own happiness. This was about what he truly wanted.

And he wanted Cas.

"Cas!" Dean called out when he caught sight of the teen's small figure. Castiel froze in his spot, turning around to look at Dean- an almost scared look on his face as Dean grew closer.

"Dean, I-" he began when Dean had reached him.

Dean lifted up a hand, though, silencing the teen. "Stop- for one fucking moment just shut up, okay?" Dean commanded as he panted, regaining his breath that was shallow in his throat, his heart racing more from anxiety rather than running. "Fuck, Cas- I-"

But Dean didn't know how to get the words out. He couldn't say it.

He closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, then looked at his friend pleadingly. Castiel looked hopelessly confused, his eyes watery with tears he was holding back, and his face scrunched up with questions. It seemed as if he were begging Dean not to hurt him, again.

Not sure what else to do, Dean reached forward and pulled Cas into a hug, holding the shocked teen tight. Castiel seemed as though he was not sure what to do as he let Dean hug him, frozen in his arms.

"Damnit, Cas," Dean mumbled as he buried his face into his friend's neck, hands flailing around Castiel's back as he looked for a place to grip onto. Castiel was in his arms. He was here and real and Dean was never going to let him go, again. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry," he apologized as Castiel seemed to finally move in his grasp, letting out a sigh as he hugged Dean back tentatively.

And Castiel's arms around him was what gave him the push to do what he did next.

Dean pulled away, slightly, looking into those fucking blue eyes that somehow made their way into all of Dean's dreams and thoughts. He looked at Castiel, and it all just hit him.

That's when he leaned in and kissed him.

It was a chaste kiss, and Castiel was more than surprised, at first, mouth motionless against Dean's until he seemed to realize that this was actually happening and relaxed his lips, allowing them to settle into Dean's, melting into the kiss- melting into him in a spectacular feeling of warmth and life.

Dean parted their lips and opened his eyes to see Castiel's own half lidded blue orbs gazing at Dean's mouth with an almost dreamy haze. Their lips were a hair's length apart, their warm breaths mingling and lips slightly brushing, sending thousands of tingling sensations travelling through Dean's lips and around his face, warming his numb cheeks. Butterflies kicked in Dean's stomach as he smiled and kissed Castiel again, pulling him closer because, damnit, he's wanted this for so long, and he was so dumb to have waited all this time for this perfect moment.

Castiel's hands gripped onto Dean's jacket as he seemed to sigh into the innocent kiss, parting their lips again. Castiel was the one who smiled, this time, the tears that had been permanent in his eyes for so long falling, now, as if to shed away the sadness and replace it with a shine of peace and comfort, the pure joy he felt making itself obvious in the blue pigments of the deep sea held within his gaze.

Dean kissed away the tears, the salty taste lingering on his tongue as he kissed Castiel's forehead. "Cas," he murmured as he kissed Castiel's cheek, desperately trying to tell him what he wanted to say through frenzied kisses. "Fuck, Cas, I-" he tried before he gave Castiel's cheek another kiss, nuzzling his nose there as he struggled to calm his erratic breathing.

Castiel understood, though. He knew what Dean was trying to say. He knew from the way Dean held him- from the shake in his voice and the tenderness in the greens of his eyes.

"I know. It's alright, I know," he murmured as he pulled Dean close, letting him let out a shaky laugh as he buried his face in Castiel's neck again, breathing in the familiar scent, letting his lips brush against the pulse of Castiel's neck. Dean pushed back the tears that burned behind his eyes, overwhelmed with Castiel's presence.

"Don't go," Dean murmured pathetically into Castiel's skin, clinging onto Castiel desperately as he tightened his hold on his sweater. "Please. Just- just don't go."

Castiel nodded, his hand rubbing circles into Dean's back. "I'm not leaving," he reassured. Dean laughed shakily.

"I'm sorry, Cas- shit, I'm sorry," he kept murmuring over and over as Castiel held him, wrapping his arms around Dean comfortingly.

"It's okay, Dean," Castiel whispered, smiling into Dean's neck. "It's okay."

These chapters have been quite short, haven't they?

Decided to put this up now since I was late posting the last one. Hope you all enjoyed it!

Goodbye, lovelies!~