There is a lot going on now - and I thank all of you who have sent messages asking about the plots, suggesting things and
in general, tolerating the slow pace to get to where we're going.
Whatever is Helena planning? And will it happen now...
You Always Hurt the One You Love
Bridget Cummings had an advantage over everyone in the ballroom of the Waldorf Astoria hotel where Helena dined next to the Mayor. She knew exactly where Myka's mind was and did her best to keep her engaged in the moment. The Mayor and all of the other guests uptown thought they had Helena's attention, but they didn't. She answered questions, laughed at jokes, shook hands, and gave advice, but all the time, she was thinking of Myka.
Bridget was on a mission to convince Myka that she was a celebrity in her own right. Myka wasn't just Helena's girlfriend. "Explain the Harvard Business Law Review asking for you to write a paper on corporate law, Bering," Bridget asked slyly.
"How do you know about that?" Myka asked, the email having just arrived that week.
"I didn't, but I figured it was only a matter of time until they approached you. Come on, Myka, admit it. Sure, some of these 15 minutes of fame is because you and Helena are the Darling Couple of the Century, but that's fleeting. One bad deal, one lawsuit, one fight, and the press will chew you guys up. What's left, Myka? Your talents, skills. You're very bright, sweetie. Anyone can see that," Bridget said, refilling their glasses after dinner.
"What is this about?" Myka asked, feeling the slightest bit fuzzy from the bubbly.
"This is about you. You're not in Helena's shadow. That kid is – Eileen Sullivan? Damn, you couldn't pay me to be in her shoes," Bridget laughed.
"Why? She's going to have a front row seat to things that people can only dream of. Helena will teach her everything," Myka said with adoration.
"Sure, but did you see the complexion on that child? She'll be burnt to a crisp if she doesn't play it smart," Bridget said. She had seen the mentor relationship many times in her industry. Only the smart ones survived the relationship.
"Helena is really very good with her," Myka smiled, thinking back to their conversation. Helena knew exactly how much to give Eileen without overwhelming her.
"I wonder what kind of mother she'll make?" Bridget asked. Bridget was always interested in how high-powered women managed their careers and families.
The question might have escaped Myka's attention another night, but not tonight; tonight she was wrestling with things that she had managed to push aside all week. Helena was not telling her things – only after the fact, and even then, she didn't know the whole story. She understood that Helena was running the company the way she saw fit, and wasn't going to drop in every time there was a decision to be made. She also knew Helena was always going to play by her rules and not always tell Myka when she was bending them.
Still, Myka couldn't help but add Bridget's question to the top of the list.
How could she not know what kind of mother Helena had been?
Myka reminisced about the pain she felt when Helena was in the ambulance with Irene and how she said she couldn't lose her. Myka associated that intense pain with Christina and it made sense to her that any loss would trigger it in Helena. Still, Helena hadn't talked about it.
And tonight it seemed obvious that Bridget was in a celebratory mood, but Myka had no idea what they were toasting. If she was still working on a deal for Helena, it would be very unlikely that the investment banker would be able to go to dinner at a moment's notice.
Myka finally focused back into what Bridget was saying.
"…otherwise, you wake up and poof – you're picking out Assisted Living places for the aged and all you have to show for it is the gold watch and some stock options," Bridget said, draining her glass.
"That sucks," Myka said, gulping her drink.
"Well, we don't have to worry, Myka. Maybe Helena is working on a new wrinkle cream or a fountain of youth pill," Bridget laughed.
Coffee was ordered and then after dinner drinks which Bridget took care in ordering. She knew she was losing Myka's attention and at first, attributed it to missing Helena.
"I feel like we're training you two to hold your breath under water when you're not together," Bridget teased.
"Why won't she tell me things?" Myka asked, tuning back in to Bridget, but on her own wavelength.
"Tell you things like what, sweetie?" Bridget asked.
What could Myka say about Helena? Why she built an underground transit system? Why she breaks and enters when she wants to? Why she had stem cell injections ready to go?
"I don't know everything about her, " Myka said, and Bridget conceded that they were going to talk about Helena now.
"Does she know everything about you? I mean, Myka, I know a handful of things about you. You're not very forthcoming," her friend pointed out.
"I tell you things. I told you…..when I lost my virginity. I told you I tried pot once," Myka whispered indignantly.
"Yeah, Myka Bering, the dark years, I remember," Bridget said. "You two spend so much time together, but you're always busy. She's running a big company, you're keeping her out of jail," Bridget laughed. "You two need to do more fun things. And before you say it, Bering, I don't mean reading books by the fireside which is your stock answer for 'what did you guys do this weekend' by the way," Bridget said truthfully.
"Hey, well what about you and Sarah? What did you do last weekend?" Myka asked, defensively.
"We went by helicopter to Omni Bedford Springs in Pennsylvania. Three days, two nights of nothing but relaxing in the Springs Eternal Spa, six course dinner in our room, in room massages. Divine, Myka," Bridget said.
"You weren't working for Helena?" Myka slipped in.
"Nice try, Counselor," Bridget said in her drawl at Myka's attempt to get information out of her.
"We're just back from vacation," Myka sighed.
"That's your whole problem, Myka. You think you need to get away to be on vacation. Be spontaneous, Bering," Bridget said.
Bridget was all about spontaneity.
"I can…do spontaneous," Myka said, because this was a tender spot for Myka.
"Myka, people who do what you do, need methodical, decisive brains. Just shut it down once in a while, and let the other side take over," Bridget suggested.
"I will!" Myka said, sitting up straight in her chair and that's when Bridget noticed Myka had downed her entire drink that was supposed to be sipped.
"If I take you home drunk….," Bridget started to say and got hysterical laughing at what it sounded like.
"I'm going to be spontaneous when I get home," Myka said, slurring her words just a little.
"OK Bering, throwing up doesn't count so how about you and I walk a little before you return home," Bridget said, paying the bill and helping her friend up.
Myka was a little tipsy, but not enough that people noticed. Bridget's driver was waiting outside and he took them uptown. He stopped a few blocks from the townhouse so that Bridget could walk the rest of the way with Myka.
"I'm going to call Helena," Myka said more than once, but Bridget took her phone away.
"Let's give me a head start before you share your thoughts with Helena," Bridget said. She wasn't sure what kind of reception she was going to get from the Brit.
Bridget helped Myka navigate the front steps and the front door and begged her to keep her voice down, but Myka wanted to shout her love from the rooftops and so she bellowed out – "Helena G. Wells – I love you!"
"Ok, well this is where I leave you," Bridget said, helping Myka off with her coat. "Take two Advil and drink a lot of water."
"HEL-EN-A?" Myka yelled and Bridget begged her to stop yelling. And then Bridget saw it – the smile on Myka's face different from all the other smiles she wore that night. Her eyes lit up like beacons were shining directly in them, and a deep sigh that told Bridget Myka was in heaven.
Helena was there.
"There you are," Myka said and waited. She turned to Bridget and grabbed her by her lapel. "Wait, she's going to say the same thing back to me. It's something we do," Myka gushed.
"As if you two weren't adorable enough," Bridget whispered.
Helena came down the stairs, thrilled to see Myka, not so happy she brought company. Myka let go of Bridget's arm and walked crookedly to Helena.
"There you are," Helena said quietly and Myka turned back to look at Bridget. "See?" she asked to make sure her friend caught it.
"I missed you so much Helena," Myka said, and it was easy now for the Brit to see why Bridget had offered to walk her into the house.
"As did I," Helena said, slowly running her hands up Myka's covered arms. "Did you enjoy dinner with Ms. Cummings?"
"I did. We talked and you know what, Helena?" Myka asked wide-eyed. "She got that reservation because of my name!"
"You don't say," Helena remarked, unsure of the point.
"Well, I think I will leave you two …..," Bridget started to say before being held in her place by Helena's glare.
"Darling, could I have a moment with Ms. Cummings?" Helena asked in a pleasant tone.
"OK, but come back soon because I'm going to be spontaneous," Myka announced quite proud of her revelation.
"Indeed," Helena said. If it had not been of the most utmost importance that she speak to the woman that was in her hallway, Helena would have already said goodbye.
"I tried to call you about a bazillion times," Bridget said as the door to the library was closed behind her. She was not one to exaggerate numbers given her profession, but she was feeling uneasy.
"Yes, I know. Is everything set, Ms. Cummings?" Helena asked.
"Well if by everything you mean has your packaged been delivered and is everything set to go, then yes. They insisted on knowing the package's contents and it took some convincing," Bridget said.
"And you managed that, did you?" Helena asked. Black eyes stared back at the woman who had handled this for Helena.
"I did, but only after convincing them that you're not a crazy woman hell-bent on destroying the world," Bridget laughed. Helena never changed her expression.
"For the price they are asking, I should be able to send whatever I want," Helena said back.
"Tell that to the President of the United States," Bridget said under her breath.
"Let's hope they are as good at following instructions as you are, Ms. Cummings," Helena said as a form of praise.
"Always a pleasure, Helena," Bridget said. Then much to Bridget's surprise, Helena opened the door.
Myka was already in the kitchen taking her medicine and drinking water. She was feeling better, and the buzz was wearing off.
"Tell Myka I said good night," Bridget said. "You're a very lucky woman, Helena."
"Indeed I am," Helena said, as the front door closed and Myka reappeared.
Helena stood there looking at Myka, taking in the sight her eyes longed for while she danced and talked to dozens of people hours before. A smiled crept over her face as she waited for Myka to come closer.
"We need to talk," Myka said and surprised Helena. This is what Myka meant by spontaneous? Helena wondered.
Myka had finally tuned into the feeling that was gnawing at her. She couldn't shut it down once she allowed it to surface. Myka took Helena's hand and walked into the library, where Helena sat down on the couch.
"Something happened this week, Helena," Myka started as she walked over to the fireplace. "When you were in the ambulance with Irene, I felt …..that pain," Myka said, touching her own chest over her heart. It was not the kind of sensation you forget easily.
"I'm so sorry, Myka," Helena said, but Myka closed the distance between them and knelt in front of Helena.
"No, Helena, don't be sorry. I am connected, I feel things now, and it's wonderful," Myka said, taking Helena's hands and kissing them.
Helena knew what Myka was talking about and she felt bad. She didn't want Myka to feel those feelings – those unbearable feelings of raw pain. "I don't know how to stop them…"
"I don't want you to. They're your feelings, Helena and I am grateful that I can share them in some small way. But I think I know what it all means," Myka said.
"Of course you do," Helena said.
"No, Helena, I know what the feelings are, but the intensity of them - the white-hot fire that comes with them. You're not letting me in, Helena. I experience the feelings, but you're not letting me touch where they are," Myka said.
Until now, Myka didn't even have the words that went along with these feelings. She thought at first it was not knowing about the tunnel project or going to see Adelaide that was bothering her, but it was much deeper than that. Maybe it was the alcohol that uninhibited Myka's usual reserve or the fact that being apart for only a few hours made her aware of how much she missed Helena. Something dislodged In Myka and she was forging ahead.
"Myka, I've never let anyone as close to me as you darling," Helena said, unsure of where this was coming from.
"I know, Helena, but I can feel it. I can feel things and I know now where the wall is," Myka said looking around as it all came to her. "I know where the hurt is."
Helena wanted to fall into those jade pools of concern and caring, but she couldn't do that without admitting what Myka was saying was true.
"I don't go there, Myka. I have those walls for a reason," Helena said, a deep sadness creeping slowly up at her.
"Let me help….," Myka said, but Helena pulled back.
"No!" Helena said sharply and surprised Myka. The sadness was gone, the softness around her eyes disappeared.
"I just…," Myka tried to say.
Helena was standing up now. Myka slowly stood up. "Do you think I don't know you can feel that? That when I feel loss, the feeling resonates in you? I am sorry it does, Myka. I wish I could protect you from these awful feelings, but I don't know how to," Helena said and got angry as she heard those words.
"I don't want you to protect me…," Myka said slowly, trying to take in how the conversation turned.
"I have to protect you! You are kind and good and - you can't sustain these feelings, Myka," Helena said.
"Are you suggesting that I am weak?" Myka said insulted.
"I am suggesting it is my job to protect you," Helena said again.
"And what, Helena? If the pain gets to be too much, you'll run down to the lab and shoot me with stem cells to repair my poor weak heart?" Myka said and regretted the words as soon as they were out. She had not only insulted her lover, she had mocked Helena's brilliant skills.
"Myka, words are like toothpaste," her mother told her when she was explaining how marriage worked. "Once the words are out, you can never put them back."
Helena had sustained blows to her face that stung less than those words. The brilliant woman couldn't grasp what was going on. Emotional doors tried to close shut and walls that once protected Helena failed to contain the flood of emotions that came at her.
This was always Helena's fear. The person she let in would be her destruction.
"Helena, I'm so sorry….," Myka said and tried to touch Helena, but the Brit withdrew quickly and pulled away. "Please Helena, I don't know what I am saying…"
Helena's black eyes pierced the distance between them momentarily. Her breathing was labored and she couldn't maintain eye contact with Myka. And when she finally did, Myka saw the waves of pain that were going on inside Helena.
But Myka couldn't feel any of them.
Probably not the best time to write Myka as not perfect with the show nearing its end.
But a wise reader pointed out - that Helena has come a long way in making amends for her errors.
It's time to give Myka a chance.
She screwed up royally this time.