Author's Note: I'm feeling generous, and I got a lot of writing done this week. So, you can reap the benefits. Here's another extra chapter this week. Thank you to Vorcha Girl, Jules Hawk and Endrius for leaving a comment on the last chapter. If you have time, I'd love to know what you think. Enjoy. - TLC

Chapter Twenty-Five

It had never occurred to him that they wouldn't all return to the ship at the end of the day. There was a darkness that had permeated every corner of the Normandy. Like an oil spill, once you were submersed in it, there was no way out. It was thick, heavy, and suffocating. Grief. Anger. Guilt. It was everywhere you looked. No one could bring themselves to look at her station, let alone go near it. Kaidan knew, as he left the med-bay, that something fundamental had changed about the mission. It had started as a joint Alliance/Council shakedown, it changed to one Council Spectre chasing down another, but now… Now it was personal for every being on this ship. Everyone who had ever seen her smile, or heard her listen to her messages, or laughed at one of her jokes.

He couldn't help the guilt he felt. He didn't want to think that the relationship that had been growing between Shepard and himself had any factor in her decision, but he couldn't quiet the nagging voice in the back of his mind that screamed it was his fault. He fell into the seat behind his console, just outside Shepard's cabin and wondered where she was. He hadn't seen her since she'd helped him onto the ship. He sat forward and rubbed his hands over his face as the tears prickled at his eyes again. His omni-tool pinged and he jumped, startled and opened the message. Shepard wanted everyone in the mess. He sighed deeply, and attempted to scrub the moisture from his eyes as he stood and went to sit at one of the tables.

Slowly, the room filled with the crew, with the exception of those monitoring the vital functions of the ship, like Joker. Once everyone had assembled, the heat of the sorrow settled over the mess. You could hear a pin drop in the silence. Gentle sniffles were heard from certain tables. Shepard appeared from the stairs and stood at one end of the group. She looked exhausted. Her hair was mussed, there were dark circles under her eyes and her lips were raw from the worried attention she paid them when she was stressed.

"I don't know about anyone else on this ship, but I consider each and every one of you my family," She paused and let the declaration sink over each table before continuing. "One of ours was taken from us way too soon. Ashley Williams was an Alliance soldier under my command, yes. Aside from that, she was my sister, not by blood born but by blood shed. I am making a solemn promise that she will be avenged, as will Corporal Jenkins. This will not go unanswered. Rest assured, Saren will be brought down. This is my promise to you, the family I still have. This is the promise I will make to Ashley's mother and sisters when I call them. This is the promise I make to Ashley. It is a promise I am making to Saren. We will find him, and when we do, we will end him," Shepard's voice was hard, rough, and all emotion was hidden behind the wall she'd had built back up around herself. Her eyes moved from person to alien and back as she promised them this. He watched as each person nodded to her. After a heavy moment of silence, she spoke again. "I would like the ground team in the comm room in five minutes. If anyone wishes to speak to me privately, or would like to speak with a grief counselor, simply send me a message and arrangements will be made." She turned on a heel and went, quickly, back up the stairs.

Kaidan thought he saw her wipe her eyes as she went. He stood and raced to follow her, hoping to catch her alone for a moment before the rest of the group entered. He rushed into the room, "Shepard," He breathed her name and she jumped and turned to look at him.

He watched the relief wash over her face instantly. Relief that he was okay, and up and walking around. "Kaidan, how are you feeling?" She asked him as her eyes moved down to the injured area of his abdomen. Her tone was formal, as if to inject a modicum of professionalism into the moment, but it was lost on Kaidan.

"I'm fine. I just… I can't believe Ash didn't make it," He said as he moved across the room to stand just in front of her. She avoided looking at his face, and he felt an admittedly irrational anger with her for it.

"She knew the risks, you both did. Her sacrifice saved us all," Shepard reminded him, as she glanced over his shoulder as the rest of the group slowly trickled in and took their seats. Each of them looking to Ashley's chair.

"Why me?" He asked, his voice a whisper as the rest of the room turned their eyes to the pair. "Why not her?" She looked at him, her brow furrowed and her eyes hesitant. "Just, tell me it wasn't because of us," He said it quietly, but he watched as instantly the walls shot up around her and the anger flashed as her eyes lit up like a gas flame.

"Excuse me?" She asked him, her cheeks flushed in anger, or embarrassment but probably anger, and he took a step back. "I certainly do not have to explain my decision to anyone, but let me be clear on this," She wasn't yelling, not really, but the anger in her voice filled the room anyway. She turned her heated gaze to the group assembled in front of her. "I would hate for anyone to have the wrong idea," She glared at Kaidan for a moment before she continued, "I had to make a shit decision today. There is no right answer to the question of who to leave behind. I saved the higher ranking officer, the soldier with biotic ability, and our trained medic; not to mention, we had to clear the bomb site of the geth that may have been able to stop it from detonating. Ashley Williams was a hell of a soldier, and her loss will be felt in more than one way," As she spoke, her eyes moved over the room, landing on each person individually, and each set of eyes looked away from her instantly. Her eyes returned to Kaidan's, who was still standing in front of her, just to her left. "The next person who questions an order, or a decision of mine, will be left on whatever god-forsaken planet we are closest to. I will not have it on my ship again. Have I made myself, perfectly, clear?" She asked, and the response was an overwhelming affirmative. She turned her eyes to Kaidan. "Lieutenant?" She asked of him.

"Yes, Ma'am. Crystal clear, Ma'am," He answered and saluted her, she nodded her head towards his seat. He sat, thoroughly chastised, and kept his eyes on the floor in front of him. He couldn't bring himself to look at Shepard, and if he turned to his right he would see Ashley's empty seat. Shepard explained that she was still trying to decipher the images she had received from the beacon. She went over the information they had received from Sovereign. Liara had nothing further to offer about the Conduit, but Tali and she had managed to copy quite a few files from the base and they were still in the process of decrypting it. She ordered Kaidan to work with them on the Intel, and he answered with a simple, "Yes, Ma'am."

She told them they were heading towards the Citadel as they awaited word from Command, or for her to figure out the visions from the beacon. With a deep sigh, she dismissed the room. Kaidan sat for a long moment in the chair. Everyone filed out and Shepard still had her back to him, and she leaned forward bracing herself on the comm controls. He wanted to say something, anything, to try to apologize or backpedal, but he didn't know where to start. Joker interrupted the silence letting her know he had the Council calling for her. She told him to patch them through, and Kaidan left the room without saying a word.

He went to the Bridge and sat in the co-pilot's seat. He looked over to Joker whose eyes seemed tired, and heavy, and hard. His jaw was clenched tight. "Joker," Kaidan started and the pilot looked to him. He had expected to see anger or resentment in his eyes but there was none there; just grief, dark and burdensome. "She asked me to tell you," He started in a whisper and Joker's eyes widened as he waited, "I don't know what it meant but she asked me to tell you 'Yes, we do.' Do you know what she meant?" He asked, and was surprised when Joker smiled and shook his head looking back to his controls.

"Yeah, Alenko, I do," He answered, his voice more gruff than usual. "How are you holding up?" Kaidan was surprised at the concern in the pilot's voice.

Kaidan didn't answer right away. It was hard to find the words. He was sad, of course. Angry, definitely. Yet, the overwhelming emotion, the one that gnawed at his core and made his heart ache, was guilt. He swallowed hard. "I keep thinking it should have been me," Kaidan whispered quietly and Joker let out a humorless chuckle.

"Don't do that to her," Joker requested and Kaidan looked to him with question in his eyes. "Don't take the blame, you take the blame and you cheapen her sacrifice," Joker paused and Kaidan let the silence stretch. "We talked about it, ya know, how she felt like she was living on borrowed time ever since Eden Prime. She wasn't afraid of death or dying. She just wanted her death to mean something," Joker explained as he glanced up to him. "I get it, chivalry and all that, but as much as it kills me to admit it, Shepard made the right choice."

Kaidan was quiet for awhile then, Joker turned his eyes back to the controls. Kaidan looked over the console hoping to lose himself in the coding for awhile. Anything that might distract him from hearing Ashley's voice ringing in his ears, 'Make it count…' He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the seat as the tears burned behind his eyes. "Thank you, Joker," Kaidan said as he stood and clapped him on the shoulder. "You going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I just… you know, need a little time," Joker answered with a nod and Kaidan left the cockpit and walked through the CIC. He wasn't sure where he was going, but he wasn't surprised when he found himself at Ashley's locker. He ran his fingers over her magnetic name plate and bit the inside of his cheek to stem the tears that threatened. He went to storage and found an empty box. He opened her locker and pulled out her personal effects: photos of her family, her shower supplies, her bag of civilian clothes and her uniforms, and a couple of books of poetry. Once it was empty, he closed the locker and had the oddest sense of déjà vu as he pulled the magnetic name plate off and dropped it into the box with the rest of Ashley's belongings. With a heavy heart, he moved over to her work station. She had a few framed pictures of her sisters, and one of her and her father when she was small.

He let out a deep breath that felt sticky with unshed tears as he cleared his throat and moved back to the elevator. He might as well take this to Shepard, now, and get it over with. He stepped off the elevator and made his way to Shepard's quarters. He raised his 'tool and pinged her requesting access to the private area. She left him standing there for well over two minutes before the lock turned green and he stepped inside. The room looked no different than it had when Anderson had stayed here. From the pressed uniforms hanging in the closet, to the cleared table, and the perfectly made bed. He found her sitting at the console in her room.

He set the box down on the table, and folded his hands behind his back in parade rest as he waited for her to finish her call. The woman on the other end was in her mid fifties with dark brown hair, streaked with silver. She had large, expressive brown eyes that were brimming with tears. She had the same full mouth as her daughter, lips that would smile easily if it was called for; Ashley's mother.

"I appreciate your call, Commander Shepard. My Ashley was so proud to serve with you. That she had this opportunity meant more to her than I think I could put into words," Mrs. Williams thanked Shepard, who nodded.

"She was an asset to my team, yes, but she was more than that. She became my friend, and I want you to know I will miss her everyday," Shepard complimented, and Mrs. Williams nodded, her eyes filling with tears and her chin trembled as she tried to hold herself together.

"Thank you, I – I have to go. My other daughters will be getting home soon, and I'll have to let them know," She said and Shepard nodded and the call cut off. She dropped her head into her hands as soon as the video call ended.

"Shepard," Kaidan started but froze when she whipped around. Her eyes burned bright blue with the energy of her anger. She stood and stalked over to him. She peered into the box and saw it was full of Ashley's items. "I – " He started but she cut him off.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" She snapped at him, her anger even more apparent. His words stuck in his throat when she glared at him. "That display, that question, that bullshit is exactly the reason there are rules against this!" She said, waving her hand between the two of them. "Goddamn it!" She pushed the chair in front of her into the table and turned her back on him.

He snapped his answer, unable to hold it in anymore. "Ashley is dead and it's my fault! I armed the nuke expecting to be the one left behind! I should have been left behind!" He insisted and she turned to stare at him. "You were already gone from the area, there was no way I was going to let them stop that bomb from going off. You should have saved her! When you came back for me, I…" He let out his breath as their eyes locked, "You weren't supposed to come back for me," He whispered the last sentence, losing the steam from his argument.

"How could I not?" She asked, her face scrunched in confusion. She shook her head at him. "Anderson, Hackett, shit, Pressly would have made the same decision I did and you fuckin know it! My feelings for you had nothing to do with my decision to come back for you," She was yelling now, pointing a finger to his chest and though he had the impulse to take a step back, he didn't. He held his ground. "It was the textbook right decision. Should you have waited for my order to arm the nuke? Hell yeah! In the end, it was my decision to try to talk some sense into Saren that wasted the most time. Am I blaming myself? Fuck no. Know who I do blame? Saren Arterius. The fuckin bastard who had us there in the first place."

Her chest was heaving with each breath, and her eyes were hot with an intense anger and Kaidan wasn't sure who it was aimed at. He sighed, suddenly exhausted and he could feel his shoulders fall. He watched as her face broke and she turned her back to him. She rubbed her hands over her face and he waited for her to turn back. After a long silence, filled with what wasn't said, he spoke, "Shepard…" He waited for her to respond and she didn't. He took a hesitant step closer. "I don't know what to say."

She turned back to him, "There's nothing for you to say, Alenko." She spoke his last name and it felt like a slap in the face. He could see the hurt in her eyes as they stood in silence. He felt the anxiety in his chest, and his hands fisted at his sides. As he searched her eyes, he watched as she shut him out. He cleared his throat in an attempt to speak around the fear choking him.

"Sloan-" She interrupted him before he could finish, the pounding in his chest echoed in his ears.

"It's Commander Shepard," She snapped, venom in her tone. Their eyes were locked, and the anger of the moment heated the room in a way very different than the electricity he was used to. He felt dizzy at her words. He clenched his jaw, and had the impulse to challenge her and move closer, but she took a step away from him before he could. He dropped his shoulders in defeat and nodded with a sigh.

"Yes, Ma'am," He replied quietly.

"You're dismissed, Lieutenant."