I had never swam before, and it was embarrassing to say the least that I did not know how to do something Dimitri had done so effortlessly moments before.
Consequently, pure panic shot through me, making what should have been an easy break away, into an arduous and dangerous task for me.
My limbs kicked out aimlessly, and with each effort I made, I seemed to be dragged further and further. I became disorientated quickly, and for the life of me, quite literally, I could not figure out the direction towards the surface.
"So this is it, eh? You managed to live through beatings, death of loved ones, betrayal, homelessness and heartbreak, but you let a bloody lake take you out?" my useful inner voice piped up.
It was true, I twisted and turned, but to no use. My lungs became tight with the need for air, I became lightheaded, and the energy soon began to fade from my body.
A morbid part of my mind could not help but feel some sort of relief as my movement ceased. I slowly fell deeper, my hair fanning out around me, and the darkness tainting the corner of my vision overpowering me.
At least with death, the burden of a decision will no longer be mine.
That thought shocked me to my core, and in my hazy, exhausted mind, it saddened me deeply that that was the last thought I would ever have. It may as well say on my tombstone: Rose Hathaway- Gave up without a fight.
My will had truly gone though, and my movements became slower and sluggish, and my head seemed to accept that this was it. This was over. All twenty and two years on this earth, and this was what my life had amounted to.
As the darkness took over my vision completely, my spluttering for air stopped, and I swore I felt myself slowly sinking into the open arms of death.
The last thing I could recall, as the water slowly began filling my airways, was the hazy sensation of something pulling me before everything went black.
...
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight… Come on Roza, fight for me! "Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen…. Roza! Don't you dare die on me. Don't you dare!"
A frantic voice shouted, and I felt something heavy pressing on my chest. I felt as though I was on the edge of consciousness, a tenuous hold on life, just ever so slightly out of reach.
The compressions on my chest continued, when I heard a frustrated sigh, and something in Russian, possibly an expletive.
But all of this just about eluded me, for though I had some vague sense of what was going on, it was only when I felt something warm and gentle on my lips, and I felt every nerve set on fire, that I entered the realm of consciousness once more.
I felt air being breathed into my body, and as he withdrew his lips from mine I gasped and spluttered, desperate for air. I breathed in heavily, and my eyes shot open, not quite focusing on anything.
Though the tingling still remained from the feeling of his lips on mine, the burning sensation from my lungs overpowered it, and I gasped frantically, each breath bringing an immense pain with it.
It was then that I felt his warm arms around me, and I looked up to see him cradling me, and brushing my hair in a soothing motion.
"Shhh Roza, Roza, I am here. It is okay, you are fine now, my milaya. You must take deep breaths." His voice calmed me down, and though the pain remained to an extent, with every stroke of his long fingers through my hair, I felt it subside ever so slightly.
"That's it, Roza, you are okay, I have got you."
His face was crumpled with concern, and he looked torn for a second, as if debating something, before looking down to meet my gaze.
Whatever he saw there, seemed to be enough to settle his mind, as he leant forward and placed a gentle and tender kiss on my forehead.
My breathing hitched for a completely different reason to the one prior, and I felt my body warm up as a delicate blush crept up onto my cheeks.
I tucked my head away to cover my flushed state, causing him to tilt my chin back towards him and brush the hair away from my face. The gesture was incredibly intimate, but I did not move away from it.
"You are far too modest for such a beautiful woman." He said softly, his face strangely vulnerable and open for me to read.
"And you are evidently far too blind to be in a position to comment on my appearance" I shot back in jest, my voice hoarse and throat sore from the hyperventilating, and he smiled as he shook his head in disagreement. It was one of those full on smiles that I seldom saw, where his eyes would sparkle with amusement, and crinkle at the edges.
"Roza. I have commented before on how your beauty is unlike any other I have seen." He whispered, and I swallowed at the lump beginning to develop at the back of my throat.
He leaned in slightly and ever so hesitantly, and I, in return lifted my head to meet his own.
Our lips were inches away from each others, and I noticed he closed his eyes, his thick eyelashes tickling the top of his cheekbones.
All that was needed was me to move slightly forward so our lips met, but as I closed my eyes, one name flashed out at me, causing me to halt and backaway.
"Natasha. .." I breathed, and he opened his eyes, startled to see I had pulled away, before the meaning behind the word reached him.
His eyes flashed in understanding, and he looked away in embarassment, standing up and backing away from me.
I immediately felt the chill from the lack of his touch, and I closed my eyes to try and stop the tears from falling.
What was I doing? He was with her. He chose her.
So why did his distancing himslef bother me so? And why did I wish to kiss him?
And more to the point, why, because I am quite positive I read the situation correctly, did he want to kiss me?
I touched my lips as they craved the touch of his own. Opening my eyes, I saw him pacing ahead of me, running his hands through that long hair in frustration and kicking the pebbles that sat in his way.
I stood up, swaying slightly on my feet from exhaustion, and made my way towards him, slowly but surely.
I paused a few feet away from him and cleared my throat, wincing slightly.
He stopped in his pacing, and turned to look at me with a pained expression on his face. His forehead was created with worry, and his lips were set in a firm, straight line.
I was about to speak when he cut me off.
"I can only apologise, Roza. I thought… I thought with time those feelings would fade, but if anything, they seem to have grown stronger with your absence. I should not have done that. I am to be married the day after tomorrow."
My eyes widened in shock at this news. The date had been brought forward, I was sure of it. Was this a conscious decision on her part, knowing Dimitri was not wholly commited?
And moreover, why hadn't Ivan told me?
"S-so soon….?" I whispered, the hurt in my voice unhidden. I knew he was engaged, and I also knew he would eventually wed, but I did not realise I would have to deal with such a thing in the immediate future.
He sighed, and looked away from me, as if seeing me like this hurt him too much.
He nodded sharply, but added,
"But please, Roza. It would mean the world to me if we could perhaps be... friends. Although I already know it will pain me to see you and know I cannot have you, I know that cutting all ties with you altogether hurts all the more. I am begging you, Roza. I need you in my life."
I stared at him incredulously. "You would have me to believe that you wish me to parade around you and your wife? I will not be that woman that tears up a marriage. You cannot use me as you please, and dispose of me when you are done. I may be the daughter of a whore, but if does not mean to say I am one." I shot back at him, not concealing the anger in my voice
"No. It is why I pulled away from that kiss earlier. I will not be the woman that becomes a cheap mistress." I informed him, and he looked taken aback by my words.
"Why, I ask you nothing of that sort! I realise I am being selfish, but I would never expect that of you! I simply wish to be your friend. I need to see you, you brought so much love and joy to my life."
I scoffed at him.
"Do you not acknowledge how much it would pain me go see the two of you in love? See her touching and holding you? Being in the same house that the two of you conceive your children? The notion is ludicrous!" I declared, and not quite finished I added, "If I were to court and marry another fine man, how would that make you feel? Watching the two of us every day, kissing, holding hands, making children..?"
He did not reply, but by the whitening of his knuckles as he clenched his fists tightly, that idea did not settle all too well with him.
"You see?" I asked him, hoping I had finally got through to him.
He exhaled sharply and nodded begrudgingly.
"Very well. I understand. It was mightily selfish of me. I cannot keep you around and use you like that. Truth be told, I am not sure I could refrain from loving you when you are so close to me."
"What does this mean then?" I asked, quickly losing any trace of patience I held. He claimed he acknowledged the fact that I would not be his whore, but didn't seem to recognise the fact that he was getting married shortly.
He paused and took a deep breath, as if making up his mind.
"This today, talking with you, has made something clear to me. It has been on my mind for the past weeks as the wedding has drawn closer, but seeing you today has confirmed it.
I must think, Roza. This wedding is within two days, but I am not sure if I can go ahead with it. It is you I love, not her." He proclaimed, and my heart fluttered in my chest.
He loved me. That is what he just said, wasn't it?
And God knows I loved him too. How could I not? He was passionate, but gentle and sweet. He was handsome, but not overly conceited with his looks. He had a respect for women and his family, something Stan and most of the other men I had met had completely lacked.
I could see that he loved me. The worry etched on his face as I was drowning, the smile he would only ever share with me, the way we had this undeniable connection towards one another.
But was it enough? Was it enough to stop him from wedding another woman?
Lord knows it had never been enough before now. And I had given him many chances.
"You chose her, Dimitri. Why are you telling me all this now? It is too late" I said sadly.
He took a long stride forward and grabbed my hands. His long fingers enveloped my own, and it would be foolish to deny that I felt that familiar sensation one got when touching him.
He looked down at where our fingers entwinded, and absentmindedly rubbed the back of the soft skin over my knuckles. He swallowed and closed his eyes, voice think with emotion, the soft accent in his words becoming more pronounced.
"Seeing you fall under the water like that, watching it submerge you made me so scared. The most scared I have ever been in my life. I thought I had lost you for a brief moment in time. It hit home as I was attempting to revive you, just how much I had been lying to myself by pretending I could live comfortably in a world where you didn't exist, which is what would essentially happen to me if I was to marry her. I need you Roza.
"No, I refuse to believe it is too late… I have some time. Give me time to sort things out with her." He pleaded. Sighing, he finally met my eyes with his own, and I found myself melting on the intense chocolatey depths of his own.
"I know that my love for you means nothing if I marry her, so give me time to sort it out, I implore you allow me that."
Was he saying that he would truly leave her for me? Why, the change of heart was certainly startling. But then, I knew myself how much I had been missing him. And the thought of dooming myself to an eternity with Adrian, not the man I loved, definitely made me wish to be with Dimitri more. And I realised that is how he must have felt all this time.
This has never been a choice to him. From the start, ever since he was a child, he was led to believe that he must marry the likes of Natasha Ozera. The pressure he felt from the fear of letting his family down was similar to that what I felt in regards to letting Vika down.
Perhaps being faced with the looming condemnation of marrying a woman he doesn't care for was enough to make him appreciate what he could have with me?
And it was only after going through something similar myself that I fully understood the difficult position he was in.
Did he follow his heart of mind? What he wants, or what is needed to be done?
But alas, I did not know what I was to do either, and with a great deal of melancholy, I had to tell him:
"Very well. But you should know I can not promise you anything." I warned him.
Maybe this was a reflection on the way I had matured. Previously, I am sure I would have ran into his arms without a moment's hesitation. But since then things had changed, and he needed to know that I would not just come to him at his beck and call. A lot had changed since we last saw each other, and I had more responsibilities now.
And suddenly, remembering Adrian once more caused a shiver to run down my spine.
Dimitri stood there in silence, when he suddenly noticed my shivering frame. He gave me an apologetic look and immediately withdrew his hands from mine, much to my dismay.
He wordlessly picked up his shirt where it lay crumpled on the ground a foot away, and passed it to me.
I was about to protest for I did not wish to appear weak in front of him.
But when I saw that by my taking it, it would render him topless for even longer, I snatched the offending item from his grasp, and wrapped it around me once I had removed my sodden and freezing cold clothes, inhaling the wonderful masculine smell of Dimitri.
"Thank you." I smiled softly at him, once I was done, flustered by his gentlemanly behaviour and genuinely nice act.
He nodded sharply, still refusing to look at my direction and I sighed deeply.
The tension from our previous conversation had not lifted, and I shuffled about of my feet anxiously.
And awkward silence descended upon us.
"So… what now?" I questioned, unable to handle the quiet.
*I should probably return to my residence and try and find Natasha. I will sort this out Roza, I want us to be together." Once again my heart fluttered at hearing this, but it was as if my mind prevented me from getting my hopes up, and so I nodded softly.
"I suppose I should return back too." I said, causing Dimitri to look at me strangely as if something had just dawned on him.
"Wait...What on earth are you doing out here?" He asked, and for a second I assumed he meant at the lake specifically, into I realised he probably meant outside away from my duties. I sighed with relief. I did not quite fancy the notion of telling him that I was drooling over his magnificent form.
"I was forced out of the manor, so decided to take the opportunity to go for a walk." I stated.
"Why are you not back at Ivan's residence?" He questioned, arching his eyebrow in curiousity.
But before I could answer, his eyes suddenly went dark with what every thought was occupying his mind.
"Good Lord, pray tell, he has not cast you out, as he?! So help me, if he has done something so abhorrent I will find him an-"
I cut off his angry threats, "No, calm down! He had a meeting with Mr Mazur. Have you heard of the man? A most peculiar fellow, he is." I answered. Though I interrupted him, I was rather touched that that concern over my wellbeing affected him so.
He stiffened at the mention of his name.
"How do you know of the Zmey?" His eyes narrowed, and I was taken aback by the sudden sharpness to his tone.
"You mean Mr Mazur? Why, I met him yesterday", I claimed, not understanding this turn of mood, or why Dimitri refered to him by that strange name.
His eyes flashed with anger, and he turned away from me, cursing in Russian. I knew because I had asked Vika to teach me a few words, when Dimitri had point blank refused.
He turned back to me, lips set in that familiar firm line.
"You are not to see that man again. Are you clear?"
I crossed my arms and narrowed my eyes right back at him.
"Pardon? If I recall correctly you decided you would have no part of my life when you let me leave for Ivan." I retorted back, a small, rational part of my mind screamed at me to just leave this be. I ignored it as usual.
He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation.
"We have just been over this! No. I Do not wish to do this again. I cannot keep arguing with you. Can we call it a truce?" He asked.
"Yes, I suppose so. It would not do us any good to rehash this for the time being, would it? But you do not have the right to order me about anymore.
If it calms you to know this, then I can tell you I have barely had any run ins with the man. He had not visited the house to see me, but Ivan. Tell me, what is so terrible about him anyway?"
He grimaced and growled: "That man is a scoundrel. A good for nothing criminal. He cheats, lies and blackmails. His extortionate and brutal ways are infamous around these parts. He is a heinous creature."
I wasn't shocked by this news and said so,
"Well, I guessed as much, considering how pale Ivan became as soon as the Mazur name was mentioned."
His head shot up at this, and concern marked his handsome face. "What business did Ivan have with the man? No, no, no. This shall not do. Not one bit. Ivan is in the worst kind of trouble possible, being involved with the likes of him"
Now I knew that if the mere mention of the man could evoke such an emotive response from the most stoic man I knew, it was surely a sign that Ivan had got caught in the clutches of Mr Mazur, and that would only mean bad news.
"Well, how do you propose we help Ivan out?" I wondered, wanting to assist in any way that I could.
He smiled gently at me, the harshness to his eyes from our discussion of Mr Mazur softening as he looked upon me. "I tell you this man is dangerous, yet the first thing you wish to do is put yourself in harm's way to help out a friend. You are a remarkable woman, Roza. So sweet and strong." He said, almost with a hint of awe in his voice. I blushed heavily under his gaze. How could such a handsome man possibly look upon me in such a way? The physically and emotionally scarred daughter of a whore.
As usual, I covered up my embarrassment with jest. "I just got my arse handed to me by a lake, the word strong is not in my vocabulary." I joked, forcing a smile onto my face hoping that if I pretended I was okay, I would feel it too.
Dimitri chose not to take my words lightly, for though a trace of a smile graced his lips, he reached up to cup the smooth skin of my cheek with his hand, and spoke with pure seriousness, "You are the strongest person I know."I shook my head, refusing to let go of my protest, causing him to laugh softly.
"Perhaps the most stubborn too! Although, I do believe that Vika could compete with you in that regard."
I froze at the mention of her name, and unbeknownst to my reaction, Dimitri continued.
"You are a good role model for Vika, you know. She is a troublesome girl, always has been. She is sweet in her intentions, but wild at heart. You are a great deal like her, but she has yet a lot to learn. I hope that, should we be together, you can teach her how to become a respectable young woman, whilst keeping her sense of independence and personality. She has never related to my mother or sisters, so it would do her good to learn from you."
"I am far from the perfect role model, sir." I whispered quietly, the weight of the decision I had to make crashing down onto my shoulders once more.
"On the contrary, I believe you are perfect in every way. I adore everything about you. Your passion, your wild and unruly hair, the way you bite your lip when you are nervous, that alluring look you give me when your mischievous nature comes out. I adore the way you bravely stand up for yourself and anything that you believe in. I even adore the fact that you're the most infuriatingly impudent and outspoken woman I've ever met "
My eyes now shone with unshed tears. I fought hard to keep them at bay, but a rogue, disobedient droplet decided to spill over the contours of my face, being caught mid journey by Dimitri's soothing stroke of his thumb.
"Oh Roza, I promise that this will be sorted out. We shall be together."
He thought I was concerned as to whether or not he could choose me this time. If only it was that simple. No, whilst that was a worry of mine, a large one at that, it was not just my future I had to panic over.
He claimed I was all of those things. Maybe I was. But I knew what I was not; brave.
My dying words came back to me, and I felt feelings of bitterness and shame inundate me.
At least with death, the burden of a decision will no longer be mine.
I was no hero, no strong willed woman. I was a coward. I stopped fighting, I let it overpowering me.
But perhaps this was my chance to prove to him, and more importantly, to myself, that I was strong and brave. Hearing the way Dimitri affectionately talked about Vika made me realise that I could not let her marry Adrian. It would not only destroy her, but him too. How could I possibly do that to the man I claimed I loved? I could not tell him either, what Adrian's intentions were, as it would only result in the two of them eloping. Vika had proven to me how blindly she believed Adrian's manipulation, and Adrian warned me that if I was to tell anyone, he would not hesitate to marry her.
I am a great deal of many things, but selfish by nature I am not. I would not choose my own happiness above that of the people I love.
The sadness hit me as I realised that just when I thought I could have something good to come out of my life, Dimitri wanting and choosing me, it was taken from my grasp with so much ease that undubiously paralled that to stealing sweets from a child.
Dimitri snapped me out of my thoughts as he sighed wearily, and rested his chin on the top of my head, enveloping me in a comforting embrace that I allowed myself to indulge in, and wrapped my arms around him in response. God, he felt so good.
"I will make a decision." He promised, and I forced a smile on my face.
It was a shame that I had already made mine.
Author's note
Thank you to everyone that has reviewed/ followed/ favourited this story!
I apologise as I thought I would have this chapter up sooner, but I kept re-writing it, not willing to publish it until I was happy.
Please be patient with this story. It has maybe 4 chapters left, so don't think this is the end. Anybody wishing to give up right now, all I ask is that you don't assume I'm not 100% Romitri! :)
(Guest)-I have researched and double checked my facts. Whilst a father's permission is certainly desirable in upper social circles, it is not necessary. Lydia and Wickham elope in P&P too in a similar fashion. I have checked this with several websites and my Beta for The Gentleman and the Whore, who is extraordinarily knowledgeable on the subject. Vika is also of age, I put her perhaps a year younger than Rose, like the books (my bad-I never specified). Hope this cleared a few things up, please feel free to PM me with further queries :)
Shoutout to all my reviewers! I have read them all many times, and promise to get back on it with responding to Users! My PM is shocking on the app. And thank you to the guests too, your comments truly mean a great deal and definitely motivate me haha.
I had so many lovely messages supporting me and my decisions with the story. Thank you all! Increase in medication this week, but next chapter will be along shortly, fingers crossed!
Love,
Emma xxx