Sara,
I don't know why I seem to find it so difficult to say to you what I mean sometimes. I can truly tell you that you have brought feelings out in me which I thought I had lost when I lost my father. And you have brought them back in such strengths that I now know I could never truly have ever lost them, they were just hidden. Until you brought them out. One of the main feelings I am mentioning is the belief that life can turn out well. Doing what we do everyday, we see people at their worst. We see relationships fall apart, we see marriages ending in death, love lost between families. We see that emotions usually lead to harm. I was beginning to believe that this was how all life was. We never see the relationships which work, we never see the marriages which still remain strong, we never see a family unaffected by grief and still full of love. We never see that emotions are also what make life worth living. I wish to thank you for giving me this gift of knowledge, of the understanding that emotions, even if they lead to hurt are worth it. I would rather have an hour of happiness with you and a lifetime of sadness, than to never know your tender touch and you loving gaze. Even if only for a brief time.
I also know not how you managed to evoke these feelings in me. And here the feeling I speak of is love. Sara, my dearest Sara, I now understand what true love is. And do not know how I managed to deny it to myself before. I also see that love blossoms and grows, the more you let yourself feel it. When I first met you, I then knew what attraction truly was. When you became my friend, I found out what companionship really was. When I first hurt you, I discovered how deep true pain is. When you first forgave me, I discovered how much happiness true forgiveness can bring. When I first made love to you, I then knew what it meant to become one with someone. When I first realised I loved you, I discovered how much happiness it brought, and how deep my love for you was. I realised that it stretched right to the core of my being. That without realising it, expressing it to you had become my reason for living.
I now know that not telling you, but showing you I love you with everything I do, in everything I say, in every action I make, was my reason for living. To prove to you that when I told you I love you, I meant it. To prove to you that when I said I would always care for you I meant it.
I cannot however begin to understand how much my leaving this morning pained you, and how my lack of communication with you since they may have hurt you. I know that they both hurt me more than anything ever has before. And I know that neither pain can be expressed fully in words. But I will understand if you decide that the pain I caused you was not worth the joy I hope I brought to you. I will understand if you do not wish to continue a relationship with me, and wish me to pursue you no longer. I will also, if this is what you wish, not cross whatever lines you set. Even though it will pain me I will be nothing more than a friend to you and I will wish you luck in any future relationships.
Know always though that if you should wish it, I will always be here for you and I will comfort you and love you in whichever form you allow me. Whether it be as a friend or a lover or a partner, I would always do anything for you. I would give my life in order to protect yours. Know also that the option of more than friendship will always be open to you, and that nothing would make me happier than to have you back in my life. My love.
Also know that I am deeply sorry for my reaction this morning. The more I think of it the more I see I acted in haste. It is true however that I did need to think, in order to realise some things. And I could only do this on my own, I am sorry my darling for doubting your reasons when you left after that night. I now understand that you had to leave, and I apologise for my lack of understanding at the time.
Whichever option you choose, please forgive my distance which may ensue over the next few days. Despite having realised many things, I know that I have barely touched the surface of knowledge which I have now discovered. Know that my heart will always be both with you and with our child. My body may be away or my mind may be thinking, but I could never take you entirely out of my mind, no matter what my attention was on. I could never take the memory of your soft touch away from my body and my cheek, and nor do I want to. But know that the whole of my heart will always be with you. I promise you that my darling.
As I glance back over this letter, I realise that while it tries to say what I mean, I still find it failing. Words can never come close to describing how I feel, and what I feel for you. I see that the words written above hardly do justice of my feelings. I know that any further attempts I make will add nothing which has not already been said here, because my dear, I'm afraid my words begin to run out here. I know not how to express my feelings to in words; I cannot even turn to another's words as they do little justice to my feelings. Instead I turn from my words to another's; I turn to the words of Ben Jonson.
I that have been a lover, and could shew it,
Though not in these, in rhymes not wholly dumb,
Since I exscribe your sonnets, am become
A better lover, and much better poet.
Nor is my Muse or I asham'd to owe it
To those true numerous graces, whereof some
But charme the senses, others overcome
Both brains and hearts ; and mine now best do know it :
For in your verse all Cupid's armory,
His flames, his shafts, his quiver, and his bow,
His very eyes are yours to overthrow.
But then his mother's sweets you so apply,
Her joys, her smiles, her loves, as readers take
For Venus' ceston every line you make.
Whenever thinking of you and my realisations, another sonnet also comes to mind. Neither one expresses my feelings well enough. Only when they are combined together and both are read can my feelings even begin to be understood. And so I again turn from my own words, to those of another, William Shakespeare.
Those lines that I before have writ do lie,
Even those that said I could not love you dearer:
Yet then my judgment knew no reason why
My most full flame should afterwards burn clearer.
But reckoning Time, whose million'd accidents
Creep in 'twixt vows, and change decrees of kings,
Tan sacred beauty, blunt the sharp'st intents,
Divert strong minds to the course of altering things;
Alas! why, fearing of Time's tyranny,
Might I not then say, 'Now I love you best,'
When I was certain o'er incertainty,
Crowning the present, doubting of the rest?
Love is a babe, then might I not say so,
To give full growth to that which still doth grow?
My dearest Sara, I still find my feelings unexpressed, but I believe that I could every poem ever written and none would come close to describing my feelings for you. These poets speak of love, but not of our love. They may have touched the edges of what we know and feel, but none could have come close. For surely if they did, they could not have written poetry. For they would have known, as I do now: that this strong a love cannot be expressed in words.
My love, my darling, my Sara. I love you with all of my heart, and it will be forever yours.
Gil xxx
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She looked up too stunned to shed tears at the beauty of the note except the single one already running down her cheek. As she looked up she noticed Brass was no longer in the room, yet she had been too absorbed in the letter to notice. A draught from the direction of the door touched her neck. As she turned she saw Grissom leaning against the doorframe. She sat there stunned, unable to say anything, unable to believe what she was seeing. She only believed what she was seeing when he spoke, and as he did so, a smile slowly spread over her face, her eyes grew slowly wide, and the tears slowly began to fall.
"I WHISPERED, 'I am too young,'
And then, 'I am old enough';
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.
O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon."
Quietly she heard herself ask, "Keats?"
"Yeats" He quietly corrected. She ran to him then and found his arms open. She ran into them and wrapped her arms around his waist as he wrapped his around her shoulders. Both of them had tears pouring down their face as they moved properly into the room, allowing the door to fall shut behind them. They stood there just crying and embracing tightly for almost 5 minutes. Until they heard a tentative knock on the door, and a quiet voice asking to come in. Grissom released one of his arms from around her, but kept the other firmly about her shoulder as he turned to face the door. Sara also kept her head resting on his shoulder and an arm tightly around his waist.
"Yes Brass. You can come in." Brass opened the door sheepishly a small smile on his face as he saw the two standing their together.
"You two OK again now?" Grissom only grinned while Sara nodded as she dashed away her final tears. She looked up at Grissom and smiled as he looked down at her, also smiling. Brass coughed before he lost them both entirely.
"Well, if you two are done sorting out your little lovers tiffs then Nick had just finished a case up out here. And he was asking where Sara was as he needed to head back to CSI."
Grissom looked back at Sara. "You ready?" She simply nodded. Brass was losing track of what was happening. Not knowing what had happened between them before, or how much they could ask the other without speaking. Grissom simply smiled wanly at Brass, "Lead the way then." Brass raised an eyebrow as Grissom made no move to let go of Sara but said nothing as he led them out as he shut the door behind them, he finally realised what they meant.
"You two sure you're ready to let them all know? I know you two are going to be perfect together, but is the best time to announce the relationship right after a rocky bit?"
Grissom only smiled at him still. Sara took pity on him though and answered him. "It was all in the letter, also we're now over the rocky bit, and so while we're strong and ready to face them, we might as well. Otherwise things go unsaid for too long, and then they become hard to say." Sara said as Grissom laid a hand lightly on her stomach. She looked up at him gratefully. Knowing that everything truly was fine between them now.
Brass listened and knew that Sara was checking something with Grissom as much as explaining things to him. We looked at his hand on her stomach. "You mean the baby is Grissoms. And you never told him?" Sara blushed slightly while Grissom watched Brass calmly. "Well, I guess that means I win part of the pot." He muttered to himself, but both Sara and Grissom heard him and Sara questioned him about it.
"What pot?" When he didn't answer she put the hand not holding Grissom's on her hip and glared at him. "Jim Brass. What pot are you talking about?" Brass shuffled nervously under Sara's gaze. He looked down at the floor and ground his toe into the floor. Looking for all the world like a 5-year old getting told of by his mother for doing something he wasn't meant to do.
"There was a bet on as to how you were pregnant. The options were Grissom, mystery man and a sperm bank. Me and Nick went for Grissom. Catherine didn't go in. Warrick and Hodges went for sperm bank. And Greg went for mystery man, with the deal that he got an extra 3 dollars from us all if it was from an actor who was working alongside you in a porn film. None of us thought that though. I thought Grissom. I think the pot got up to about $50 each, so I should get half of $250 with Nick." He rambled nervously under Sara's gaze. Grissom suddenly tried not to laugh, breaking the tension.
"Remind me to tell our child if he's in trouble to avoid you for a while. You'll get anything out of them if they saw you first." Sara struggled not to smile and Brass let out a breath in relief that he was not the subject of Sara's gaze now, even if had altered to a loving one and not to stern one as she looked at Grissom.
Grissom managed to stop laughing and took hold of Sara's hand again. "Come on then. I think we have two options, either let them all know that we are together and let Nick know first or tell him know that he had won half the pot. Which do you reckon?"
"I don't reckon we'd be able to stop Brass going to go claim his share of the money. We'll let them find out that way." Grissom nodded and then nodded at Brass who hurriedly led them down the corridor to where Nick was waiting.
"Hey Sara, you OK? You look like you've been crying, was it to do with whatever you got told over the phone? Grissom what are you doing here? I thought --" He stopped as he saw how close they were standing to each other, the identical smiles on their faces and finally their joined hands. He stared at their hands for a minute having trouble connecting the dots. Eventually he looked back up to their faces, to find the same look of hopefulness and also nervousness on them. He began stuttering.
"Griss ... Sara ... hands, together, hands, together ... Sara ... and Grissom." HE began his eyes darting from one to the other. He saw Sara slowly nod at him; a smile suddenly came onto his face. He bounded up to them like a puppy; he pulled them both into a rough hug. "Congratulations you two." He stepped back and they breathed out, gratefully realising they could now breathe again. Their hands still holding onto each other.
Nicks grin suddenly grew. "Woohoo! I just thought of something, I'm the first person, apart from you two, to find out about you two!" Brass coughed and shyly raised his hand. "Sorry Nicky, I was before you."
Nicks grin fell slightly before shooting up again. "Well, I'm still the first CSI to find out right! Woo! I beat Catherine!"
Sara coughed this time. "Sorry Nicky. Cath found out first. Sorry. If it's any help you're the first CSI man to find out about us both." Nick's grin fell slightly again.
After a few moment however, it bounced back on again. "Hey you know what? I don't care. I'm just happy you guys finally sorted yourselves out! Would have been good though" He finished wistfully. Sara looked up at Grissom asking his permission, he nodded slightly; she smiled at him before turning to Nick.
"Nick, if it helps. You and Brass won the pot?" The colour in Nick's face rose slightly as she mentioned the pot before he registered what she had said. A huge grin erupted onto his face as his head slowly rose. Shouting inaudible words and whooping he grabbed them both and pulled them into a hug again, laughing as he whooped.
I couldn't keep them apart for as long as I wanted, I just couldn't write it and before I knew where I was I had already finished the letter and Sara and Grissom were back together. I hadn't even meant to bring the letter in this soon.
But I just couldn't separate them for long, it hurt me too much, never mind them.
Please R & R, because I'm slightly nervous about the letter.