Tantamount

Chapter 25

The sweet smell of the letter in my hands does nothing to mask the sour feeling in my gut. I swallow thickly and lay it down beside me. Reaching under my bed for my already-full flask, I prepare myself to read what she has to say. I've been leaning on liquid courage the past couple of months—Aro knows, and has suggested I stop, but fuck him.

The cool metal in my palm, delivering the burning alcohol to my system, is the only normal I've felt in a while. I wait a few seconds, take one more gulp before I screw on the lid tight, and return it to its spot under my bed. Picking up the letter one more time, I bring it to my nose and close my eyes as I breathe her in.

It's now or never.

When I open my eyes, I unfold the paper and see my name in her handwriting. It's the same writing I saw in the sand, and it takes everything I have not to bawl like a fucking baby.

Edward,

I just want to say I'm sorry and explain why I didn't tell you about Ben.

When you came over to my house that first time to help me with the box in my closet, you were nice to me. And that day you asked me to the movies. It was the first time a guy had ever asked me out. Even though I knew it was just as friends, it felt good. But when you kept asking me to hang out with you, I thought maybe you saw something in me that no one else in this town did...a person, a girl who just wants to be like everyone else. And when we finally held hands, it was the first time since I became Bella that I thought anyone would want me. It was also the first time I'd ever felt the way I did when I was with you. Butterflies danced in my stomach, and I couldn't stop smiling. I wonder if you noticed that or not? I felt silly, but I just enjoyed that moment with you. You were kind to me that day and all the other days we hung out, and we had fun. I felt normal and carefree when I was with you.

Honestly, I didn't think about the Ben thing, not until after our first kiss. I was trying to figure out a way to tell you, I swear I was, but I wanted to wait. I didn't want to lose you so soon. I know that was completely selfish of me. I figured if you liked me as much as I liked you, then when I finally had the courage to tell you, you'd eventually be okay with it.

You never knew me as anyone other than Bella, and to me, that was a plus because I didn't have to prove anything to you. I could just be myself. You liked me as me too. I know none of that probably makes sense, and I'm sure it pisses you off. It'd piss me off if I were in your shoes. But I didn't know how to come out and tell you—just like you didn't know how to tell me about the dare. I was scared—terrified actually. But I forgive you for that. At one point, I thought you knew about me since you were friends with Emmett and Jasper, but I know that still doesn't excuse the fact I didn't tell you. After a few years, I got used to EVERYONE in this stupid town knowing I am a transgender. A big part of me wanted you to know my secret already, because then, it would mean it didn't bother you.

All I can think about now is how much I miss you. You probably don't care, but I do miss you. I know I messed up—really BAD—and again I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it all back. Most of all, I wish I had never met you—because now, I have to figure out a way to forget about you. And I'm having a reallyhard time doing that.

I'm sorry I hurt you, Edward. I know words aren't enough, but I'm sorry—for everything. And especiallyfor wasting your time.

Bella

A/N:

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