Chris smiled at the camera as he stood on the end of the dock. "Last time, on Total Drama: Cartoon Multiverse," he said, "we saw everyone stuff their faces in an eating contest. While Nazz ate the most food, ultimately it was the Bumbling Moose who won after Rusty turned in the second best performance of the day. Yeah. I didn't know the skinny guy had it in him either. But he had it in him, and a lot more besides. And by a lot more, I mean chicken. Anyway, the Mad Scientists had to send somebody home, and after some debate they settled on Steve simply because they figured Elise would be more useful when more challenges came down the pipe. What they didn't know was that the teams were gonna merge in this episode–until I let it slip immediately after Steve was eliminated so that I could let them stew in their own guilt over getting rid of him. So, what's gonna happen next? I'll give you a tip. Off!" Chris stopped smiling and glared at the camera. "I know you're writing my dialogue," he said. "I'm gonna let that one slide, but you'd better not do many more of those. Got it?"

The camera moved up and down.

"Good!" Chris exclaimed cheerfully. Somebody threw him a basketball from off-camera, and he caught it and spun it on the tip of his left index finger. "Then let's just say, game on!"

9 o'clock.

I stare at the ceiling over my bunk.

Four guys in one side of the cabin. Again. We're told it's because they need the other room for storage. That's not fooling anybody. They just want to put us in close proximity to one another. It's what the government did with the Mansons. And the Partridge Family. It's horrifying what happens when you do that. And people love to watch a good trainwreck.

Breakfast. That's a good idea. It wasn't a good idea to eat so much yesterday. I just know that people think I'm a freak now.

Screw 'em.

It's shocking how useful that advice is. Somebody doesn't like you? Screw 'em. The government's spying on you? Screw 'em. Your son isn't exactly like you? Screw it, he's his own man. And that's okay, so long as he's a good one. And not working for los federales.

A lot of people don't get that. They've bought the lies. They think it's worse to be gay than it is to work for the government. Christ, my own father tried to pull that on me, he honestly thought I'd be happier thinking he was a federal agent than thinking he was gay. At least Redcorn's never tried to bullshit me. That's why I consider him my friend. Who cares if he's gay? He helps Nancy with her aches and pains, and that's all that matters.

I miss Nancy. And Joseph. And I'm not exactly sure how I ended up here. If I had to guess, I'd say that I was transported here for training by the invading Mongol armies of 2087 so that I'll be ready when my time comes. I don't know what musicals have to do with the future, though. That one was probably a plot by the CIA to brainwash everybody with catchy showtunes so that they won't realize the U.N. is controlling children's television programming. I'm on to you, Dora.

But first, I need to stop at the bathroom and have a smoke.

Confessional

I have a cigarette, stare at the camera, and say nothing.

Breakfast. A pot full of unrecognizable slop and burnt toast. Better than usual at least.

I take a seat at the end of a table next to Boris. We've become sort of friends. As much as we can be on an island where nobody can be trusted. At least Boris is honest about it. Everyone else pretends you can trust them.

I don't trust anybody but Nancy, and Joseph, and Hank, and Bill, and Boomhauer. Well, I trust the government to lie and cheat and cover things up. And that's why I trust Boris. Except he's not trying to control me. I think.

Today will be another test. Like every day here. They do a good job of mixing it up. First a test of truth-telling, then a test of stomach strength, then a test of sight followed by a test of endurance. It's hard to tell what today will be. Although if I had to guess, I'd say it would be a test of teamwork. Something to mess with us just because we're no longer on an official team but need to work together anyway.

Now who's gonna be on my team? The Mongols wouldn't want me to have a big advantage, so Elise is out. And they wouldn't want somebody who blindly follows a natural leader, so Nazz won't be on my team. That leaves eight others; I'm guessing Triana will be on the team, since we haven't talked much. Truth be told, she scares me a bit. So she'll definitely be with me so I'll know what it's like to work with scary people. Boris also, since I'll need an ally. And Numbuh Two is cynical about everything like me, so he'll probably be on my side. That leaves Chaz, Marlowe, and Ingrid. I know next to nothing about Marlowe, so she might be it. Ingrid and Numbuh Two have a connection. They're not going to be on the same side. That would make it too easy. Chaz would be hard to overcome.

So the lineup is going to be me, Numbuh Two, Boris, Triana, and Marlowe or Chaz. Chaz probably. Triana fills the role of person I haven't done much with. Chaz would be the one to hurt the team. So of course I'm gonna have to overcome him. Me, Boris, Chaz, Triana, Numbuh Two.

I finish my toast and slop. My stomach moans, and I know it'll run through me in an hour or so.

Time to hit the bathroom. Then a shower. Then the bathroom again.

Confessional

I have a cigarette and have a movement. When I finish up the bathroom smells like tobacco, chicken, and poop. Not a good smell. I hope it's gone after my shower.

"Once, you ride, a Mason," I sing to myself, "Vroom! Vroom! Nothing else cuts it."

The shower is one of the only places a man can sing. Of course, I never was much good at singing. Then again, neither are these kids who become internet sensations. But they're good stooges for the Department of the Interior. They suck in the kids with their angelic faces and computerized voices, and then just when everything seems hunky-dory, they start encouraging you to visit national parks. It's how the government takes our land. They just declare it a national park, and woosh! Suddenly you're paying for land you never wanted to pay for! And that you don't even own, because the government owns it and tells you what to do with it!

I finish washing and step out of the shower. I put my clothes on.

And here comes today's breakfast. Also possibly more chicken. But definitely today's breakfast.

Confessional

Another cigarette, another movement.

11 o'clock.

Chris has brought us to a basketball court. He is spinning a ball on his finger. He loses control, and the ball rolls away.

"Today, to celebrate the merge, we're going to play a team sport!" Chris says.

Called it.

"The sport, of basketball. Boys versus girls," Chris says.

"Hey, wait!" Boris says. "That's four on six!"

"It's a good tune," Triana says.

"Fair enough," Chris says. "How about, hmm, Triana, you join the boys."

Triana grimaces but nods.

"The winners of the match gets a gourmet dinner made by Chef." Everybody groans. "Trust me, he can cook. When we don't have him make you stuff that's barely edible. The losers go hungry."

I've survived worse.

"Now, I assume you all know the rules of street ball," Chris says. "No mugging the other players, make sure to dribble, don't break the rules everyone knows. Chef'll be your referee for the game. Chef?"

Chef blows a whistle. "Alright, maggots!" he yells. "First team to fifty wins! I want an exciting game! You got two minutes to figure out your strategy, and then you line up and play! Go, go, GO!"

The men and Triana gather on one side of the court. We huddle to talk shop.

"I'll guard Wendy," Triana says immediately.

"I've got Ingrid," Numbuh Two says.

"I'll be the center," I say, "since I'm the tallest."

"Power forward!" Chaz announces. We look at him, surprised. "The Chaz played youth basketball as a kid. I only stopped because there were too many things that could have ruined my perfect face."

Triana rolls her eyes. "So, Boris, what do you–"

"I will be the one who doesn't know how to play," Boris says.

I frown. This is going to be a disaster.

Chef blows his whistle, and I get to center court. Wendy faces off against me. I look to my sides; Ingrid is on Numbuh Two, but Nazz is on Triana. We'll have to switch coverages at some point.

The tip-off occurs, and I leap in the air and grab it. I look around and loft the ball to Numbuh Two, who's running down the court. Ingrid rips the ball out of the air and dribbles back towards us until Boris runs up, grabs the ball, and starts running the other way.

Without dribbling.

Chef's whistle goes off. "Girls' ball!" he says loudly. "Throw-in from center court!"

Marlowe walks over to the side of the court and takes the ball. Various girls move around, and Wendy cuts towards the inside. I follow her and only stop when I see the ball sail through the net and hear a whistle sound.

"Three points, girls!" Chef says.

Numbuh Two takes the ball and inbounds it to Chaz. Chaz dribbles but Elise runs up, takes the ball away, and tosses it to Wendy, who blows past me for an easy two-pointer. Our next sequence doesn't go any better, as when the ball is passed to Triana Nazz steps in front of it and takes it the other way, sinking a jumper over Numbuh Two.

I call a timeout. We gather together to try and formulate a plan.

"Okay, what are we doing wrong?" I ask.

"Firstly, the Chaz isn't getting enough looks," Chaz says. "Secondly, they each chose a player to match up against, which is why I'm constantly drawing Elise, you're drawing Wendy, etcetera. Thirdly, we're getting beaten in man coverage when we play defense. We should shift to a zone. Oh, and there's the minor fact that Boris isn't going to block anything at all and anything he shoots will get blocked easily."

I looked at him, surprised.

"Well I'm not just an incredibly pretty face, you know," he says. "Although I am certainly that."

"Okay, whatever," Numbuh Two interrupts. "I'll take the part to the left of the key, Triana, you take the right. Rusty, guard around and in the key. Chaz, just–just keep being the Chaz or whatever."

I inbound the ball to Numbuh Two. He dribbles upcourt, keeping his eyes searching until he locks in on Chaz. He lofts a pass towards Chaz, who catches it and makes a two-pointer off the backboard. We're in the game again–that is, until our zone defense leaves Ingrid completely alone at the top of the three-point circle and she calmly drops in a three. Our next sequence, I inbound it to Triana, and the ball is passed around until I find it in my hands a couple of feet inside the three-point ring. I toss it up, hoping for a lucky break, and make the bucket. The girls come roaring back, but when Ingrid tries another three-pointer I manage to get in her face, and she clanks it off the rim. The rebound sails through the air and is caught by Elise, who drives up the key and makes a layup. The next possession we have, Triana tries to hurl it downcourt to Chaz off the toss and Elise brings it back. Her first shot is a miss, but she grabs the rebound, tries again, misses again, gets another rebound, and this time makes her attempt. We try to go downcourt again, and this time Numbuh Two manages to shake free of Ingrid until she trips him with a well-placed foot. This gets a whistle, and we inbound the ball to Chaz inside the arc, who knocks down another two-pointer. The girls bring the ball back upcourt, and this time Wendy stops outside the arc and nails a 3-pointer. Our next possession does not end well when a pass to Triana is bobbled and lands in Nazz's hands. Nazz brings it into the key and is driving towards the basket when she suddenly passes it to the side to Elise, who gets another two points. We move the ball downcourt again, but Chaz misses his shot; when Marlowe tries to bring it back, however, Boris grabs the ball and quickly hurls it to Triana, who runs forward to grab it, manages to get it under control, and makes a shot from the side of the basket for two points. Unfortunately, the girls bring it right back and get a three-pointer from a wide open Ingrid.

"20 point break!" Chef yells. "Score is now 22-8. Leading scorer for the girls is Ingrid, with nine points. Leading scorer for the boys is Chaz, four points. Everybody gets five minutes off to regroup!"

"Well that sucked," Triana says flatly.

"We're only down fourteen points," I say, trying to keep our spirits up.

Chaz smirks. "Yeah, the Chaz is pretty much the best player on the court," he boasts. "You need to up your game. The Chaz can't do it all alone."

I sigh. "So, oh great genius, what should we do?" I ask.

Chaz's smile grows wider. "Numbuh Two, play tight defense on Ingrid. She cannot handle pressure. You force her to pass, you take away their three-point option, since she's not going to shoot well with you in her face. Rusty, give Wendy some space to drive, she's been winning on misdirection. If you try and trap her, you'll end up juked out of your pants, and trust me, nobody wants to see that. Triana, you're going to be on Nazz. Always. Nazz has been trying to cover you, and Wendy has been on Rusty, so they're playing straight man and they've chosen their assignments. You two are about evenly matched, so just take advantage when you see it. Also, try to run crossing patterns with me; one of us will get open. Now let's go win this one for the Chaz!"

Annoyingly enough, Chaz had some good points. It was time to see if his strategy would pan out.

Because we won the tip-off, the girls start with the ball. They inbound it and take it down the court. When Wendy charges me, I instinctively want to lunge at her, but I avoid doing so and let her come to me. She tries to spin around me, but I stop her. She tosses the ball to Marlowe, who puts the ball up. It sails over the backboard and out of bounds. Our ball.

I take the ball and inbound it to Triana. She heads downcourt and passes it to Chaz, who tosses it into the basket. The girls come right back, and this time Wendy passes the ball off to Elise, who hits a two-pointer while falling backwards to avoid Chaz's attempt at a block. Our next possession ends poorly when Ingrid takes the ball from Numbuh Two and gives it to Elise, who hits another two-pointer. The next time we have the ball, I run down the court. Triana's three-point attempt plonks off the top of the backboard, but I track it down and catch it at the three-point line. I force a desperation heave, and miraculously, it goes in. Sadly, on their next possession Nazz takes the ball right down the court and pops one in from the free-throw line. We try to get the ball to Chaz again, and Elise grabs it and takes it to the net on a layup. Our next attempt to feed Chaz works when he steamrolls into the key and tosses up an easy two-pointer. We close the gap even more when Triana steps in front of a pass intended for Nazz and takes it the other way, dropping it in off of the backboard. But the girls come right back. Wendy drives into the key and stops before she reaches me to take a quick shot that goes in easily. Then Nazz blocks Triana's shot, chases it down, and makes an easy layup.

We fight back. Chaz boxes out in the key, and we get the ball to him. Two points. Numbuh Two follows this up with a steal off of Ingrid which he tries to turn into a fast break. It almost works, but Marlowe comes over and swats at his shot. She doesn't block the shot, but it misses. However, she hits him in the face while attempting the block, and Numbuh Two gets two foul shots. He sinks the first and intentionally misses the second, trying to get the ball to bounce directly to Chaz. It doesn't; it bounces to Wendy, who passes to Elise. Elise gets it down in our end, pauses, and then passes it back to Wendy, who puts up a shot. The shot bounces off the rim, directly to Nazz, who tosses it back to Wendy, who puts it through with her second attempt. The ball is inbounded to me on our next possession, and I take it downcourt, where Triana breaks open into the key. A quick pass later and we have another pair of points. The girls bring the ball back towards us, but I manage to get a steal off of Wendy when she gets distracted, and I throw the ball towards Triana. It's a bad pass, and Nazz fires the ball over to Wendy, who makes the shot while Boris tries to tackle her. This draws a foul, and Wendy sinks her shot. We get downcourt, but Numbuh Two tries to force a pass to Chaz, and Elise takes it back for an easy layup.

"40 point break!" Chef yells. "Score is now 41-22. Leading scorer for the girls is Elise, with fourteen points. Leading scorer for the boys is Chaz, ten points. Five minutes and then we finish this!"

"Wow, you guys are really bad at this," Chaz tells us.

"I hope you like going without dinner," Boris says back.

Chaz shrugs. "I'm the only one really doing anything out there. And you know it."

Triana groans. "Let's just finish this."

We get the ball for the final period. I pass it to Triana, who immediately has it stolen by Nazz, who passes it over to Wendy. Wendy makes a basket, and I pass it out to Numbuh Two this time. Numbuh Two tries to force a pass to Chaz, and Elise steals it and tosses the ball to Nazz. Nazz spins around Triana and puts the ball through the hoop. This time Numbuh Two passes it out to Triana, and we head down the court. I get a pass and start to dribble but lose the ball to Wendy, who takes the ball back and puts it in for another two points. Triana inbounds the ball to me, I pass it to Numbuh Two, he gets it to Chaz inside the arc, and Chaz gets two points. The girls come right back, and when Wendy gets open at the free-throw line Ingrid passes it to her. Wendy puts it in, and I head out of bounds to start our next possession. I inbound the ball to Chaz, and he heads down the court. Elise and Wendy double-team him. Elise steals the ball and throws it over Chaz's head, where Wendy grabs it and then puts it up. It bounces off the backboard, circles the rim, and pops out, but Marlowe is waiting. Marlowe grabs the ball and throws it up again, and it falls through the net.

"Game over!" Chef yells. "The girls win, 51-24. Boys, you suck, and you're going hungry tonight! You too, Triana."

Points Breakdown:

Girls:
Wendy Corduroy: 18 points
Elise: 14 points
Ingrid Third: 9 points
Nazz Van Bartonschmeer: 8 points
Marlowe: 2 points

Boys:
Chaz Monerainian: 12 points
Triana Orpheus: 6 points
Rusty Shackleford: 5 points
Numbuh Two: 1 point
Boris Badenov: 0 points

Final score:

Girls: 51 (won)
Boys: 24