Chapter Twenty-Five: The Ways of Jashin

Dessie

"I'm bored…"

"Shut up."

"But I'm bored."

"I don't care."

"You should care."

"But I don't."

"You're an asshole."

"So I've heard."

I groaned and rolled over on the grass. My hands and legs were bound together tightly and, no matter how much I squirmed, I couldn't wiggle free. Durman and JoJoJoJoJoJo had gone out scouting and I was left at the camp alone with the Crow and Aram. The Crow spoke very little and glared at me most of the time. Aram, on the other hand, couldn't glare because he was wearing his stupid blindfold. Unfortunately, he couldn't cover up his ears and he had spent the last fifteen minutes listening to my complaints.

"Are you always this annoying?" he asked irritably.

"Yes. You can ask any of the Akatsuki – I'm one awful bitch."

Aram snorted. "I know bitches. The Iksutaka is led by the queen bitch and there is no way you can possibly compete with her."

"Oh?" I said, rolling over on the ground so I could stare up at the bandages that covered Aram's eyes. "There's a bitch you think it bitchier than me? Now this I got to see. And by that I mean meet her, kick her ass, and then take my title back."

"Good luck with that," said Aram. "She will murder you alive and eat your heart for dinner."

"What is this?" I asked. "Snow White? Am I Snow White – surrounded by little perverted men – and she's the evil queen who stands in front of a mirror and goes 'mirror, mirror, on the wall who is the fairest of them all?' And then the mirror replies 'Sorry, whore, but Dessie is the hottest bitchin' babe of them all.' And, because she's so jealous of my good looks and wonderfully sculpted chest, Queen Bitch Wannabe tried to kill me in all these pathetic ways, but then my Princely-Hottie kisses me awake and we made Queen Bitch Wannabe dance to death in fiery iron shoes?"

…

"What the fuck?"

I stopped and thought about what I just said. "Hey, it made sense in my head."

"I think the sense was lost from the transition from you brain to your mouth."

"That tends to happen a lot…"

The Crow yawned. He was stretched across the massive tree roots of an old oak that reached towards the sky (one of many in this vast forest). He looked rather bored with the whole affair and seemed more interested in sleeping than actually making sure I didn't escape.

"How do you stand being his partner?" I asked.

Aram grinned. "You get used to it after awhile."

"But…" I said. "The Crow… Who the hell came up with a name like the Crow?"

Aram hesitated and then lowered his voice so that only I could hear. "I think he came up with it himself…"

The words had barely come out of Aram's mouth when a knife came flying through the air and – barely missing Aram's nose – embedded itself in the trunk of a tree nearby. He leapt (even if he was blind, he could sense things) and then said, darkly, "Were you trying to kill me, Crow?"

From his spot at the base of the tree, the Crow shifted and said, "If I were trying to kill you, you'd be dead."

"Well that's lame," I said. "Even lamer than your name. It was a yes or no question. Don't try to be all mysterious with your 'if I wanted to, you'd be dead already' shit. No one gives a damn about it."

The Crow glared at him. His scowl distorted the tattoos on his face, making him look like some sort of boogie monster that hides under kids' beds. I smiled. "I would wave, but my hands are tied up. Are you having fun?"

The Crow ignored me.

"He just trying to look tough," I said to Aram cheerfully. "I'm sure on the inside he's a big marshmallow."

Aram rolled his eyes. "I'm sure he's not."

"What would you know," I said.

"Well… He has been my partner in crime for two years."

"Maybe so," I said. "But I have this special talent of amazing insight – and I can see his fluffy inside. All sweet and gooey… Mmmmm… I'm kind of hungry now. Crow! Come over here so I can taste your yummy-yummy marshmallow innards."

…

"Yeah, I get that reaction a lot."

"Are you really a member of a criminal organization?" asked Aram.

"I think," I said. "The real question is – are you really a member of a criminally organization?"

"Um…yes?"

"Oh. Okay then."

"What about you?"

I shrugged. "Only on bad days."

"What are you on good days?"

"A whore."

"Really?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"Er… yes…"

I blinked and then a slow grin spread over my face. "Okay, okay, bad question. Yes, I'm a member of a criminally organization. I'm the apprentice Jashinist."

"Apprentice?"

"I've only been a Jashinist for six months… My master," (the word made me laugh), "has plenty of years on me."

"But your immortal."

"Yep. Immortal and badass – it's like a mandatory quality of a Jashin-followers… That and being sexy as hell… And swearing a lot… And being hot-headed… And violent… But mainly the immortal, badass, and sexy part…"

"Right…"

I didn't have a chance to say any more to Aram, since, through a gap in the trees, came Durman and JoJoJoJoJoJoJoJo. They came to halt in front of Aram. Durman smiled fondly at me, squatted on the ground beside me, and proceeded to pet my head as if I was some sort of puppy dag. JoJoJoJo, however, glanced at Aram and said, "She wasn't too mean to you, was she?"

"She was… interesting…" said Aram thoughtfully.

"Thanks," I said. "I'll take that as a compliment. Now can you get this queer freak off of me!"

Aram kicked Durman lightly and Durman moved away from me, looking positively heart broken.

"So what do you have to report?" asked the Crow. He had finally gotten up from his bed amongst the tree roots and he came to stand beside JoJoJoJoJo – determinedly keeping a distance from me.

"We found a village," said JoJoJoJoJo.

"A village?" asked the Crow, a twisted smile crossing his face. "What kind of village?"

"A poor country village," said Durman cheerfully. "With lots of women."

"Oh," said Aram, sitting up excitedly. "Lots of women? My favorite kind of village."

"What are you doing chasing after poor village women when you have a perfect specimen of the female gender right here?" I asked, wriggling about seductively on the ground (hard to do with your hands and feet bound, but I thought I pulled it off pretty well).

"Er… Do you want us to attack you or something?" asked Aram (not that he could see my suggestive poses).

"Well," I said. "Not particularly. But I'm insulted you're not tempted by my hotness."

Aram opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get a word out, Durman leapt between Aram and me and cried, "She's mine, asshole!"

"And that, Dessie," said Aram. "Is why I can't call you a Hottie."

"That and he can't see," added JoJoJoJoJo.

Aram smirked. "Please, a true man like me doesn't need to see a woman to know she's sexy as hell."

I grinned. "I like him. Why couldn't you kidnap me from the Akatsuki and propose – I would much rather marry you than this queer."

Aram shrugged. "I'd cheat on you on our honeymoon."

"That's okay," I said. "I'd make out with the first Hottie I saw. Screw marriage vows."

JoJoJoJoJo slapped his forehead. "They're like birds of a feather."

"No!" cried Durman, wrapping his arms around my head. "She's mine! Mine I tell you!"

"Anyways," said the Crow. "What are we going to do about the village?"

"Oh right," said Durman.

"Can I go?" I asked eagerly.

"No."

"Why not?" I asked, whining a little. "I need to make some sacrificed to Jashin. I haven't made any in a long time and he doesn't like to be ignored."

"You want to go massacre a village?" asked JoJoJoJoJo confusedly.

"Didn't you hate Durman for burning an entire town on dust a few days ago?" asked Aram.

"Yeah, because he burned the village for no reason at all. He might have damaged a beautiful Hottie – and that – that is just unforgivable. I will never forgive anyone who hurts a Hottie… Well, there was Dark-Hottie… When Bloody-Hottie killed him, bit I forgave Bloody-Hottie because Bloody-Hottie was just that hot."

…

"You'll just run away if we let you go massacre the village," said JoJoJoJoJo.

"I won't, I promise," I said. "How about you give me a ten minute head start and then you come and kill everyone else!"

The Ikustaka exchanged thoughtful glances.

"I'm kind of curious to see her fight," said Aram.

"That's my woman," said Durman appreciatively.

"Untie me," I demanded. "Give me my spikes and let me unleash hell on this town filled with women who are supposedly more tempting than me!"

"They're not, I promise," said Durman.

"Shut up, queer. You were looking at the men the whole time."

Durman flicked his silvery hair over his shoulder and scowled. "I don't know what you're talking about."

However, they untied me and gave me back my spikes. The spikes (about a foot and a half long metal rods with extremely pointy ends) were my weapon of choice. I figured they worked well for drawing blood and inflicting lots and lots of pain on my victims. Hidan was still trying to figure out a way for me to share my pain with my victims (I don't have chakra connections), but for the time being, I just kill and kill and kill until there's no one left to kill. Not very artful, but it's effective.

I held on spike in each hand and grinned at the Ikustaka. I glanced down at my clothes and the grin faded. I was still wearing the pirate-chick dress from when I first arrived (curse you alternative reality that only supplies me with one set of clothes). "This would look so much more badass if I wasn't wearing a dress that looks like it belongs at a costume party…"

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

My grin had returned and, with a laugh, I skipped away in the direction of the village sing (to the tune of the Barney theme song):

"I hate you, you hate me, I'm gonna hang you from a tree, with a spike through your head, and a spike through your stomach – ha ha Jashin's glad your dead!"

The village wasn't far away, it took me only five minutes to skip there, which meant I had five more minutes to do my killing spree before the Ikustaka arrived. I smiled, that was plenty of time. Still skipping, I twirled the spikes in my hand and entered the village.

"Who are you?" asked one woman, her eyes wide in horror

"Tell Jashin I said hi!" I said, and killed her. I stopped and turned to the next girl with a grin. "Hi. How you doing today?" Kill the next one. "And what about you?" Next one down. "Jashin is going to love me!" Next one. "Way more than that idiot Hidan." And the one after that. "Don't you think?"

One woman charged at me with a sword. I ducked under her wings and them stabbed her in the stomach. She let out a cry of pain and crumpled to the ground at my feet. I didn't have time to move before a girl ran a knife through my heart.

"Oh fuck!" I cried, cringing in pain. "That hurts."

I rounded on the girl, my eyes flashing in irritation. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts to be stabbed in the heart?"

The girl stared at me in mute horror.

"No?" I grinned. "Should I teach you?"

I stabbed her in the heart and then skipped away and she fell to the ground.

I'll spare you poor readers the details of my killing spree. Hey, Jashinism is not a pretty religion and certainly not a religion for the faint hearted. I don't know how many people I killed in five minutes. Maybe five or six, maybe ten or eleven. I didn't keep track. I just skipped through the village and killed whoever I saw. The funny thing was, everyone I killed was a woman. There wasn't a single man in this whole village. It was sort of disappointing… I wasn't going to find any Hotties here…

After my five minutes were up, I was successfully covered in blood. I danced in a circle, laughed, and threw my head back to sing:

"I'm singing in the rain – Just singing in the rain – What a glorious feeling – I'm happy again – I'm laughing at clouds – So dark up above – The sun's in my heart – and I'm ready for love!"

My laughter doubled.

"Are you insane!" screamed one girl.

I stopped skipping and singing and dancing and turned to stared at her. I blinked. Then grinned. "Why yes, yes I am."

She gasped and then, before I could kill her, she turned around and fled in the opposite direction. I chased after her, shrieking and giggling with maniacal laughter (I think the Akatsuki might possibly have a bad influence on me). She ran across the village into a reasonably large hut in the center. She stepped inside, apparently not realizing that I was following. She slammed the door behind her, but before it could close all the way, I slipped in after her. She went to the backroom and threw open the door, but before she could scream anything, I threw one of my spikes at her back and it drove itself through her chest.

"Well," I said. "That was quite the chase." I pulled the spike out of her back, stepped over her body, and surveyed the people in the room. "Hello. How are you today?"

"Dessie!"

I stopped and stared. There were two girls in the room. One was a semi-pretty girl (she was nothing compared to me) who looked absolutely horrified at the sight of me… like she was about to wet herself at any moment. The other was…

"Kate?" I asked, my jaw dropping in disbelief.

"Dessie," said Kate, rising from the bed she had been sitting on. "What are you doing here?"

I blinked. "It's a long story… Involving pirate ships, swimming, drinking, kidnappings, marriage proposals, and two criminal organizations…"

"Sounds interesting," said Kate.

The girl next to Kate gasped. "You two know each other."

"Yeah," said Kate with a grin. "She's my best friend. Dessie, this is Elise. Elise, this is Dessie."

"She… She just killed Ruki…"

I glanced at the dead body at my feet. "Oh. Sorry about that. If I knew Kate was here I wouldn't have killed so many…"

Kate sighed. "Dessie, you can't just go around killing people in the name of Jashin."

"Why not?"

"Because it's wrong…" Kate sighed. "Why can't you understand this?"

"Because Jashin's words are law. And he says kill, so I kill. And he made me immortal so I can't really go back on him…" I shrugged and accidently sprayed blood across the walls from the sudden hand movements. "Oops."

Elise looked ready to faint.

"Should we help her?" I asked.

BANG!

Kate didn't get a chance to reply as an old woman came sprinting into the room, screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Lady Chosen! Lady Chosen! The Demon of Blood is attacking! The Demon of Blood has come with minions and is attacking the village!"

She saw me. Stopped. And screamed.

"The Demon! The Demon! It is the Demon of Blood!"

I blinked and pointed at myself. "Did you just call me a demon of blood, bitch?"

Elise fainted.

A/N: review.