Hi Everyone, sorry for the delay in posting this chapter, was busy writing and re-writing it. Although I'm still not sure if I'm happy with it or if it comes across the way i would like it to
Hope you enjoy it and i'd love to hear your thoughts. Jo
Chapter 25
Jeff couldn't sleep.
After his conversation with his sons regarding Virgil, he found that he couldn't switch off. Although he hadn't spoken of his concerns to anyone he was growing more and more concerned about his artistic son. Knowing that his other sons shared his concern made him feel less like he was over reacting and being an over protective parent.
Jeff had learnt early on how to tell if something was bothering his boys. Scott was usually the more hot-headed of his sons. Jeff always put it down to him being the oldest so he was always looking out for his brothers; doing everything he could to protect them. John may be the quieter, more studious of his sons, but Jeff found that he could always tell when something was bothering him; somehow he found a way to retreat even more into himself. But Jeff was thankful that these days he was more forthcoming when things were bothering him than when he was a teenager.
Gordon was pretty easy going. If something was bothering him, he would become quiet and serious. That wasn't to say that Gordon couldn't be serious when he needed to be, especially during rescues. But ever since his hydrofoil accident, he seemed to have developed a fearless, positive attitude to things which everyone around him found contagious. Alan was the easiest to tell when something was wrong, he wore his heart on his sleeve; and even if he wasn't being open about how he was feeling his face would always give him away.
No, Virgil was different. He had a way of hiding how he was really feeling. Although Jeff and everyone else in the family could tell when something was wrong, getting Virgil to open up about it was another matter entirely. Usually, the only way anyone could really understand how Virgil was truly feeling was through his music or his art.
But Jeff was grateful that Virgil had decided to confide in John. But Jeff was also sure that Scott was having a problem with that although he wouldn't readily admit it. Jeff knew that the circumstances his family was dealing with were unique and he was just relieved to know that Virgil wasn't going through it alone. Yet at the same time, he felt devastated that what Virgil was struggling to deal with the most wasn't Avery's presence like he had first believed.
'How do you help someone deal with the news of their own death?' He thought to himself as he made his way out of bed. He had come to the decision that if he wasn't going to be able to sleep he would take advantage of it and get some work done instead. But first, he needed coffee.
Jeff headed from his room and went straight into the kitchen emerging a few minutes later with a mug of hot coffee in his hand and headed into the lounge towards his desk. He was about to set his mug down when movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention.
He turned to find Virgil sat at his piano, staring out of the window into the dark night, the lid of his piano still closed.
"Virgil?" Jeff said, his voice low as he approached his son slowly, not wanting to startle him.
"Oh, hi dad. Sorry I was miles away" he replied blinking up at his father, a small tired smile on his lips "I wasn't expecting anyone to be up"
"I was just about to say the same thing about you" Jeff told Virgil with a small chuckle. As Virgil looked up at his father he noticed that is expression suddenly became more serious. "Is everything alright son?"
"Yeah everything's fine" Virgil told him, breaking eye contact with his father as he answered him. Jeff stepped closer to the piano and gently rested his hands on the top of it. For a moment he didn't say a word, he just looked down at is son scrutinising him.
"You know Virgil; normally I would accept your answer..."
Virgil opened his mouth to argue, but Jeff continued cutting him off before he could begin
"...But I know that you're not son"
"I don't know what you're talking about"
"Look, Virgil, I know that you've been having trouble dealing with Avery's presence on the island..."
"This has nothing to do with Avery" Virgil interrupted, his tone defensive
"Virgil..."
"It's not" he snapped. His reaction confirming to Jeff that something really was bothering his son as Virgil rarely lost his temper. Ignoring his son's outburst, Jeff continued
"Virgil, I understand you're feeling confused..."
"It's not like that" he argued, clearly frustrated with what is father was implying
"If it's nothing to do with your feelings towards Avery, then what..."
"I'm scared, okay" Virgil admitted, his voice barely more than a whisper. It was obvious to Jeff that it was difficult for Virgil to admit how he was really feeling, especially to his father.
"Oh Virgil, there's nothing wrong with being scared" Jeff told him
"I can't explain it" Virgil continued "We've always known the risks involved every time we go out on a rescue. But ever since Avery told me about how her Virgil died..."
Jeff nodded – so John was right.
"...I don't know, it's as if knowing what happened..." he paused and Jeff could tell that he was feeling overwhelmed
"I understand son, really. Ever since Avery told us that she had lost her Virgil, it had certainly made that feel more real" The expression on Virgil's face told Jeff that he felt the same way.
"I can't begin to imagine what my counterpart is going through" Jeff told Virgil, his voice thick with emotion. It was clear that just thinking about how the other Jeff was feeling was hard for him to deal with. "The only thing that helped me get through losing your mother was you boys; knowing that a part of her was still alive through her boys. I can't bear the thought of losing you...of losing any of you"
"Dad" Virgil whispered, overwhelmed by how honest Jeff was being. This was a side of him that Virgil and his brother's rarely saw. Even after their mother died, they had never seen their father break down. Instead Jeff would retreat behind closed doors and mourn his loss in private. As a child, Virgil thought it was because Jeff couldn't bear to be around his sons; as they were a reminder of what he had lost. But as he had grown up, he saw his father's actions for what they really were- he thought he was trying to protect them. In doing so Jeff had unintentionally pushed them away and it had put a strain on their relationship.
"You think I don't understand the risks? I've lived them too" Jeff said, referring to his Air Force and NASA days. "Every time there is a call to send you boys out on a rescue, a little voice in the back of my mind whispers 'could today be the day that you sacrifice one of your sons for a complete stranger?' but I know that if I was to listen to that voice, then International Rescue wouldn't exist..."
"Did you know that he died at the controls Thunderbird 2?" Virgil said suddenly, his outburst throwing Jeff for an instant.
"No son, I didn't..."
"He deliberately flew her into the path of a missile" he continued
Jeff stood there in silence, unsure of what to say while Virgil told him everything he had learned about how Avery's Virgil had died
"Is that why you've felt hesitant when you've flown her recently?" Jeff asked
Virgil looked at him quizzically
"Gordon told me" he clarified
"Gordon?" Virgil gasped in surprise. Virgil was sure that if anyone had said anything to their father, it would have been John; especially since Virgil had found himself confiding in him more and more recently.
"Yes, Gordon" he confirmed. Despite being the joker in the family, it was well known that Gordon also had a sensitive side. This meant he was usually more aware of how others around him felt. It was also believed that this was the main reason why he tried to make people laugh.
"Your brothers have noticed that something isn't right, they're worried about you son...we all are?" Jeff added
"I don't want to worry anyone" Virgil confessed
"And that's why you haven't said anything to anyone- not even John?"
"How could he!" Virgil snapped, angry at John's perceived betrayal
"John has only voiced his concerns son, he hasn't betrayed your confidence" Virgil looked set to argue back with his father, but before he could, Jeff stopped him by raising his hand. "Look, son, if you don't talk to me about what's going on, I'm going to have to prevent you from going out on calls..."
"But father..."
"No buts Virgil. If you're not feeling confident going out in Thunderbird 2, then I'm not going to allow it. I'm not going to allow you to put yourself or your brother's lives at risk because you have doubts in your abilities"
"It's got nothing to do with me doubting my abilities" Virgil admitted
"Then what is it about?" Jeff asked as he walked around the piano to get closer to his son
"It's not easy to explain" he began "Even after I was shot down by the Sentinel; I have always felt safe inside Thunderbird 2 like she protects me..."
Jeff nodded his head to indicate that he knew what Virgil was talking about, but he did not respond
"...And it's not just me, she's responsible for keeping my brothers and the people we rescue safe too"
"I do understand that son, but she's just a machine. She can be repaired or replaced."
"I know that" Virgil replied in an agitated tone as he got up from his piano and made his way over to the window. He could feel the tears burning his eyes, just as much from frustration as from pain. He felt them threatening to fall and for some reason, at that moment he couldn't bear the thought of his father seeing him like that. "But it's not like that" he managed, his voice shaking slightly with the strain of trying to get his words out "It's not that I have doubts in Thunderbird 2 or in myself to fly her"
"Then what is it?" Jeff asked as he walked up behind Virgil and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder
"When Avery told me about what happened with her Virgil and about how he died trapped inside Thunderbird 2, it did scare me" Virgil wiped his hand over his face as the tears he had fought so hard to fight began to fall.
"I told you, there's nothing wrong with being scared" Jeff said in a soothing tone "We all get scared. Everything we do involves risk son. You boys put yourselves into situations which increases those risks...it's understandable that you'd be scared about that."
"I can handle that part" Virgil sniffed "I'm scared that I'll end up in a similar situation that he was in" he said, talking about Avery's Virgil once again
"They were in extreme circumstances son, they were being targeted directly"
"But we still face situations where our lives are in danger" Virgil told Jeff in a matter of fact tone
"And it's normal to feel scared about that" Jeff reassured him
"I know" Virgil replied. It was becoming clear to Jeff that Virgil was becoming very frustrated by the conversation
"Then what is it you're trying to say?"
"I'm not scared of risking my life to help people...well I am but it's nothing that I haven't done before and can't handle" Virgil began "What's scaring me is that I could make a decision to save someone which could cost me my life..."
Virgil could see the confusion on his father's face being reflected back at him in the window. It was then that Virgil realised that due to the darkness outside, the window was acting like a mirror and reflecting their images back at them. That meant that Jeff could also see Virgil's image just as clearly and Virgil inwardly cursed himself for not noticing sooner.
"...I told you it wasn't easy to explain" he told his father with a small, forced chuckle as he turned around to face the older man.
"You have to remember son that the other Virgil chose to risk his life to protect his family..." Jeff stopped as he suddenly realised what his son's fear was. "I know how close you boys are – that you would do anything to protect one another...even at risk to yourself"
Virgil nodded. Once again the tears began to fall but this time he didn't fight them.
"Oh Son" Jeff whispered as he wrapped his arms around Virgil in a tight embrace. It had been a long time since he had held one of his sons as they cried. As they stood there, memories flashed through Jeff's mind of when he would comfort them as kids, and before he knew it tears began to fall down his cheeks too.
Gently pulling away from his father's embrace and looked into his eyes. For an instant, he was surprised to see the tear stains on his father's face.
"Knowing that you are out there together is a comfort to me because I know that you will look out for each other" Jeff told Virgil, his voice thick with emotion
"But what about the consequences?"
"Consequences?"
Virgil took a deep breath before he began "Avery told me that when Virgil died, it tore her family apart"
"And you're worried that something like that could happen to us" Jeff said understanding
"What if I'm ever in a situation where I had to make a decision that meant sacrificing myself to save Scott, or Gordon, or Alan..."
"Then I trust that if any of you were in that situation, that you would do what you believe is right" he told Virgil
"But what if I was to act and they would live and I would die; but if I didn't..."
"They would die and you would live" Jeff finished for him. "Are you worried that you wouldn't be able to make that choice?"
"I know in those circumstances I would do whatever I could to save my brothers. But since talking to Avery, I just keep going over it in my head and part of me is wondering what would be the point"
The look of confusion on Jeff's face prompted Virgil to continue. "If I decided to act, then my brother's would live and I would die, they would have to live with consequences of my actions. But if I don't act and one of them dies, then I would be the one having to deal with it"
"So either way, someone still suffers" Jeff said
"Exactly, plus in both scenarios, you would still have to deal with losing a son"
"So let me just check that I'm understanding all of this correctly" Jeff stated, "You're fear is how everyone else would feel if you had to make a decision that could put your life at risk?"
Virgil just gave a quick nod; mainly because he did not trust his voice.
"There's nothing wrong with feeling like that"
"Avery told me that after Virgil died, Gordon had a really hard time dealing with it because he wasn't able to save him. I don't want to do something that would cause everyone so much pain." Once again tears filled Virgil's eyes
"Come on son" Jeff said as he placed his arm around Virgil's shoulders and guided him over to the nearest sofa and gently pushed him down onto it. "Unfortunately loss is an inevitable part of life – you boys learned that the hard way after the loss of your mother. Yet despite how difficult that was, we found a way through it"
"But Avery..."
"I know that Avery said that Virgil's loss tore her family apart, but that doesn't mean that things would be the same with us. I will confess that I can't imagine how difficult it will be dealing with losing one of you, for me or for your brothers- or even for you. But we can't live our lives in fear of what might or might not happen. Do you understand?"
Virgil sniffed and nodded his head. He knew that what his father was saying was right. But he also knew that it wasn't going to be that easy to stop the feelings he had been having since returning to duty.
"It's just been very difficult trying to get my head around everything that's happened recently and I guess it's just made me more nervous that I could end up having to make that decision one day...It's just made that possibility more real..."
"So it hasn't made you doubt your abilities?" Jeff asked, relief in his voice
"No, dad. It's not really that I have doubted my abilities as a pilot, or in my ability to perform during a rescue. It's just that I know that if I had to choose between saving myself or one of my brothers..."
"You'd choose your brothers" Jeff finished for him "And I could say that without a doubt that they would say the same thing"
"Yeah, I suppose you're right" Virgil said finally after a few moments of silence. It was as if that fact hadn't occurred to him until his father had said those words.
"Come on son, you need to get some sleep"
Virgil gave his father a quick nod as he got to his feet "You too" he told him
Jeff let out a small chuckle "I will son. Goodnight"
"Goodnight dad...and thanks" he gave his father a small smile in return before he made his way towards the door.
What neither Virgil nor Jeff realised was that just before Virgil left the room, Scott had snuck away to make sure that he wasn't seen.