Dan laid silently in the warm cocoon of affection and protection Phil was offering with his fuzzy, thick blankets and body. His soft reading of Winnie The Pooh was meant to calm him down and the little kisses peppered on his head were meant to remind him there was someone who loved him this much. As much to read an old children's book for an adult who was in an extremely vulnerable stage and was scared to death of people's judgments about him.
What will they think of me now?
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... i'll always be with you", Phil read out loud with the most fond voice.
It was Dan's favourite part, but he had to admit it to himself that he was afraid to believe in it. He did believe the little, tubby bear knew everything right, but he felt like he was different. The pretty words didn't apply to him, because he thought so much different of himself. The bear hadn't met him. He didn't know what a bother he was to his friends and how much of a petty person he was.
I wish I could be better.
"It is hard to be brave, when you're only a Very Small Animal."
That was definitely true in Dan's mind. He felt like he was a small, scared animal who was needed to be brave and confidant in everyone's mind, though all he could think of was what others thought of him, how he needed to be for others, and brave that was. He was told not to think about the others. That he could only be brave when he didn't. But what did that matter anyway, because he already knew what they must be thinking of him. Of course, no one would spare another glance to his direction, then certainly not a thought. But he could tell they would despise him if they got to meet him. Or so he thought.
And all that brought him down.
Another kiss was planted on his forehead and he nuzzled himself deeper into the warm cave of his boyfriend's side.
The only person who seemed to want to be with him was Phil. And for that Dan would worship him forever. That he could bear him, because he could love him that much.
Sometimes he was still unsure of was it love or was it just pity and Phil's extraordinary goodness that made him stay and that made him incredibly precarious and unstable.
Suddenly the book had come to an end and Phil quieted too. Their breathing was only heard, and Dan could make out the gentle rhythm of Phil's heart.
"Do you love me, because you actually love me?" Dan asked. The beating of Phil's heart seemed to skip a beat, but then it regulated after a fast start.
"I'm always afraid, when you ask me these questions", Phil said surprisingly.
"Why? Because you're afraid you will say the thing that will break me?" Dan was beginning to worry for real now. He had collected all his bravery to ask Phil and now it all felt it shattered like a wine glass hitting the floor. Dan's stomach tied into painful knots.
"Because I know that you'd ask me those questions if there's something you're insecure about. And there shouldn't be. Definitely not in that area of me loving you or not. Of course I fucking love you, because of you."
Phil swore. Dan doesn't want to say anything now, afraid to anger or stress him further.
"You know I'm sorry about what happened tonight. It was a pure accident and I wish it hadn't happened. But it did. And I'm sorry. This still doesn't have to mean you need to explain or do something. But without doing anything, you can't influence how people might take this. Not that you need to. I'm just saying that whatever you do or not, people will do what they always do, they will either ignore and forget, or notice it and forget. But I'll always love you. And I can guarantee that there are other people who do too, no matter what", Phil said and kissed the hand that Dan had laid on his chest.
"If you were in my situation, would you explain this to them? I'm not really sure what to say if I do."
"I would probably, but I can't say for sure as I'm not in your boots. I'll stand by you either way. Just do what you think is the best and what you can handle. You're still fragile, Dan. I don't want anything happening to you."
"Things have already happened. I can't see them going worse than this. But I do appreciate that you're beside me. You've been the most amazing person on this planet to me and I couldn't thank you enough for being there for me", Dan said and sobs began to crack his voice by the end.
"Love is quite selfish really. I'm not here just for you. I'm here because of me. Because I love you and you make me feel good. So never think I would be doing this all, because I pity you or something. I do all this because I can't leave you, because I need you, Dan."
That made Dan the happiest as strange as it was. It was because he felt like he was so needy for Phil and Phil was just letting him have it, but could handle it himself even without Dan. It was good to know that Phil really wanted and needed Dan as well.
Phil put the book on the night stand and cradled Dan better in his arms. Dan snaked his arms around his neck and threaded his fingers through the dark locks.
"Can we just let it all go for tonight and worry about it tomorrow. I too tired now for that", Dan said with a little yawn he hid to Phil's chest.
"Absolutely. Sleep now Bear."